Should I just go back to contact or what?

Breakup Help reconciliation
21

I can understand how his friends coming into town, especially those particular people, could freak you out a bit. I’m not denying that. It’s just my thought that if he’s at the point of “I got all this, I don’t need her” that he’s probably thinking and feeling that way anyways. And if he doesn’t feel like that, them being there won’t change his feelings. I hate to sound harsh or anything, but if he’s going to forget you, he’s going to forget you. And if he can do that when you’ve been with him for this long and supported him so much, like everyone will say, you deserve better and don’t want to be with him anyways!

I’m probably weird here, but I’m a full supporter of no contact or low contact for a designated time that works for you, not for a month minimum or any of the specifications Kevin has set. If you think NC is working for you, I suggest you keep at it. If your gut tells you to stop or that you genuinely need to contact him, do that too. I think it’s important for him to see what life if like without you, but it’s also important for you to take care of yourself and do what works for you. Making the decision to contact or not contact him is part of that.

From what you tell me, this honestly has nothing to do with you or him not wanting you. Please don’t take it personally because you’re a better human being than that. It sounds like he’s still young, in a really confused spot, and he’s not handling it like an adult. I do think he’ll come around, but it’s one of those issues that you really can’t force him to see. He has to get it on his own, and only time is really going to do that for him. Just focus on taking care of yourself and getting into a more positive frame of mind :slight_smile:

I’ll go check your response now!

22

It scares me only because I feel he would get so distracted to the point where he wouldn’t care anymore. Which I know it isn’t true, but still.

I feel like I would have to do NC for a while. Maybe even over a month. It is what may be best for me. As of right now, I’m not ready to contact him at all. It has been almost 7 months of the torture and pain and I just can’t deal with it anymore. I can’t be so unhappy anymore (unhappy because I’m not with him and I feel unappreciated). I think the maximum I will wait is until his birthday 2 months from now. I’ll write the letter then. No unless something happens, where I just want to talk to him anymore and I’m happy. (I don’t see that fully happening).

Like I said, we have such a strong bond and close connection. I don’t see how he could forget about me, but it just scares me so bad.

I understand all that and fully agree with that. It just hurts because I am still willing to stay, but I always remind myself that if I didn’t want the break up somewhat too, I would have never left. So I needed too. We both needed time to grow separately. But when you are so close with someone, I just don’t understand how you can leave, party it up, sleep with other people, and practically take advantage of their love. He did all that.

Do you think time a part is going to make him realize and see? Do you think that will do it for him?

23

Time might be the best thing for him to realize you’re the one. Seeing how he always pops up somewhere to talk you’re obviously on his mind, which is an awesome advantage. Unfortunately, it takes some people more time than others to realize the signs that are right in front of them. Honestly, entering the dating world can really help both of your causes. For you, it can be a distraction so it’s not always him on your mind and also remember word gets around pretty quick so maybe if he hears you’re talking to someone else it will trigger something. By all means he didn’t wait around on you when you two were broke up for 7 months, you shouldn’t have to either. If you two were amazing together, then he’s going to compare you with every girl he talks too. Just remember, don’t put a time-frame on NC. Take as much time as you need to feel better and break it when you feel appropriate. Preferably when he initiates and it is in regards to his feelings for you.

24

Take as much time as you need with NC. I waited a month and that turned out to be not even close to enough time for both me and my ex to proces everything.

I do not agree though on the ‘‘he’s thinking like this or that’’ thing.
You said he played games. He plays games because he has this tiny voice in his head that’s telling him that he can’t get better than you, which he already did admit. If he needs to say it out loud he doesnt need you, it sounds like he’s more kind of trying to convince himself of that rather than to confront this tiny voice and aknowledge that he still thinks about you a lot. But then again, everyone is different so I could be wrong. All I know is, either single by choice or because of a break, everyone wants to love and be loved by someone. He might do all of these things to see if it can lessen a feeling of emptiness/feeling like you are not whole. (missing piece could be you?)

Then again, I might be wrong and it doesn’t justify his actions.

You have to decide what you would so, stay in contact or go NC. That’s up to you!:wink:

25

I have to agree with both KPowers1192 and Mr. A. They both nailed what I would’ve said. The only thing I guess I’d add is that the most important thing you can do is just keep taking care of yourself. As much as I do genuinely believe he’s just going through something he needs to sort out on his own and that he still cares for you, he’s also not treating you very fairly. And your first needs to be/should continue to be making sure that you’re getting and doing what you need. If NC makes you feel better, than honestly, don’t worry about how it might affect you. You have to do what’s best for you. And if you do that, you’ll only feel healthier and be more attractive to him or other guys. You are the special one and the priority here!

26

I agree with all 3 of you are saying. It is just so hard to believe that the person that I trusted the most and had the biggest connection with, is doing this…

I do know he loves me. There is no way he couldn’t. It is just scary. All of this is so scary to me… I never in a million years thought I would lose him. I mean just a couple days before we broke up he was talking about getting engaged. He was the one that planned our future. He did all of that. Yeah we did fight a lot, but I was going through things and he was too as we were both being teenagers.

I think this break up definitely had to happen. But I guess we never really took a break from each other… He always knew he had me. He knew I would never give up because when I make a promise, I keep it.

That’s why I think NC has to happen. We both need it. It has become clear enough that as of right now, he doesn’t want this and I can’t only give him half of me. I have been hurting so much more by holding onto something that as of right now, I can’t have…

I cried so hard on Monday, but ever since that, I haven’t shed a tear. I guess I’m just ready to let go. I’m letting go because this is what he wants and holding on is KILLING me in the process. You can only try hard for so long, you know? Im not giving up, I just have got to focus on myself or I am going to end up hurting myself even more.

I just don’t want him to ever forget me. I don’t want to be some girl. His aunt once told me, that she swears up and down that I am his guardian angel. Because of me, he wouldn’t have been where he is today, he may not even be alive… He used to tell people that all the time. He would brag to his brothers and lecture them about finding a girl like me…and then he disappeared. And when he did, he had relations with other girls, well in all honesty, are trashy and don’t have any high morals or basically anything like me!!

I just wonder why they were good enough, but I wasn’t? Why his boss was worth being with over me? Why he left me for so many people that don’t care about him and would NEVER do the things I do for him? (Coworkers) Basically, why wasn’t I good enough? After so long…after so much…

Here I am today, with him “living it up” and drinking, partying, sleeping with other people, possibly doing drugs, and I still support him. When we started being the way were last week, he opened up to me. He hasn’t done that since we first started dating. I made sure he knew I was there for him and he was so appreciative. We haven’t fought or anything, and now this…

That’s why I am like this. When your “best friend” does this, you feel so lost and betrayed.

I know that my distractions will never take away my love for him, but then I wonder, would they take away his love for me? My memory? Our connection? Will it all be taken away by other people and will we never talk again? Will he ever miss me? Do I even matter enough?

That’s why I have always been so scared to take charge of the situation, but I have no other choice now…

27

My whole thing is, you have one life to live. You need to live it with the people who care the most about you. Distinguish between the people who want to be there permanently and the ones who don’t care if they are temporary or not.

Not only me, but my family gave him so much, yet that wasn’t good enough. But people who will never have us much love and wouldnt do anything for him, they have the upper hand. He chose them. It is a massive self worth blow…

28

Your entire last post was spot on, except for the part about it being a massive self-worth blow. It shouldn’t be, although I know that’s easy for me to say. Ultimately, it just shows that you and your friends/family are really quality people, and he’s not deserving of you. At least not at this point in time. I know this is unbearably painful, and because of that, I hope you’ll take really good care of yourself and use any of us as a distraction as much as you need to. But I think taking a step back and showing him that he only gets you if he wants the full you is really going to do wonders for your pain and your relationship as a whole in the long run. Hugs, girl. I know this is super rough. I’m here if you want to talk.

29

I’ve had a really rough past. Dealing with Bipolar II disorder (which is a form of major depression) and sucidial thoughts/actions. So when everything happened between us (I was already going back into my suicidal state -which he knew nothing about- before we broke up) it made the depression worse, and yes, it destroyed my sense of self worth because the one person who I thought loved me for me wasn’t there. Which as the time, that’s how I saw things. Now looking at it, I can see how I shouldn’t take anything personal within our problems because it really doesn’t have anything to do with me, it just has to do with his own problems and him dealing with how he is trying to grow.

It is surprising how calm I am compared to Monday and many times before then. I have gotten so much stronger. I definitely take on life differently, and I am really working on myself. I’ve been really focusing on toning at the gym! Which is nice! And I am trying to get some ideas for some hobbies! Plus my over 40 hour work weeks!

It would just be nice to know that I am doing the right thing in the sense of this will create realization for him, and not only build him but build his views on me and how I really tried.

I started to see the real him and the guy I fell in love with this last couple of weeks. When we broke up, he obviously went down the wrong path (with his internal family completely supportive even though they love me - they just aren’t the classiest and respectful of people). I was the only good support system he had. The only good influence he had.

I just hope this will help, I really do.

30

Some people have to hit rock bottem before they are able to see what they’ve done. When there’s nothing left to hold on to, he will think about his life choices and see that his prime time was with you. It can be though for the both of you, that’s why you probably need the NC so you don’t witness his self destructive (both physicly and personality wise, especially the latter) way of life. It won’t help you get over him, it will only make you feel more down and helpless. Keeping in touch will only bring his misery in your life and the odds that you get anything positive in return at this point is very unlikely to me, considering your story. He knows you are good for him, focus on your own life and improve yourself in any way possible. He will pay attention to you but keep the NC for now, he will see that you are not good to him, but perfect. (Atleast, that’s the thing I hope he would see! :slight_smile: )

31

Hello ellie96

I’ve read your story and I can find some similarities between your story and mine, for example the part where you say:

"I just don’t want him to ever forget me. I don’t want to be some girl. His aunt once told me, that she swears up and down that I am his guardian angel. Because of me, he wouldn’t have been where he is today, he may not even be alive.. He used to tell people that all the time. He would brag to his brothers and lecture them about finding a girl like me..and then he disappeared. And when he did, he had relations with other girls, well in all honesty, are trashy and don’t have any high morals or basically anything like me!!"

When I met my ex she, she was devastated. She had a relationship with an abuser, she got hit, raped, and forced to abort by him… she was unable to touch a male (And she cant be in a crowded place if there are a lot of males around). I started during months helping her, trying to be always by herside, show her that I was different and finally we started our relationship (Hard at the beginning of course, sleeping at separated beds, no physical contact etc until she was ready)

I gave everything to her, I made a lot of sacrifices (One of my hobbies mean to be at crowded places… I gave up on my hobbie just because her problems) and suddenly, after 5 years, she dumped me and she started to act like a completely different girl.

Now she had 4 dates with 4 different strangers during the 29 days after the breakup (And one of them is her new BF, a guy who knows from just 3 weeks ago… she need months to even think about a possible relationship with me), now she upload pics standing in places really crowded… and the worst part, she doesnt care about me or about my feelings, I think that she act like Im a toy on her hands and that she can do whatever she wants with me…

So I guess that you and me are in a similar boat right now. It seems that they suddenly have overcome their problems (Because of our hard work and our help and our sacrifices) and now that theyre healed, they want to do whatever they want and share it with whoever they want… but we are not invited to the “party”.

Well, I’m pretty sure that they’ll miss us sooner or later, because sometimes its hard to find people like us (We sacrificed a lot for the relationship), and If their “Party” ends badly… who will be there this time to collect their pieces? Probably this time we wont be there to do it, they’ll remember us, and who knows if they’ll conctact us

In that case we can only be ready to decide if we want to collect the pieces and give them an opportunity… or leave them in their misery because we are good enough by ourselves (We dont have to give them a chance since we didnt get any chance)

You can find my post here, any comment is appreciated:

32

@Mr.A I really have no choice at this point. NC is the only thing that is going to benefit me. I have tried. I have given him my all. This constant back and forth just ruins me. I am shocked that I am even taking control! He hasn’t contacted me since “you up”. He is a stubborn person. When I don’t text him back usually, he won’t text me back. But I guess within time he will realize that he actually lost me. Only a couple days of NC isn’t enough to make him realize that this time it is different, and this time he has lost me. Right?

It is weird to think that I have no intention in contacting him at all anytime soon. I just don’t want to talk to him. After dealing with something for so long and letting it impact your life so greatly, you don’t really have a choice but to just stop and begin to truly live your own life.

Yes, throughout the months I have made great improvements, but there is still so much and keeping him in my life just causes more problems! I don’t have time for this anymore… I have got to focus on me completely. He hasn’t given me much of a choice just to let go…

33

@Sandorph I do relate. I mean his improvements didn’t really hit again until he started seeing me again. His improvements (in his eyes) were just buying new expensive things and making more money. So that’s not much of an amazing change. You know? He was basically replacing me with things and people. He even admitted that he drank a lot in order to forget and take the pain away after we broke up.

It just isn’t right, you know?

34

“But I guess within time he will realize that he actually lost me. Only a couple days of NC isn’t enough to make him realize that this time it is different, and this time he has lost me. Right?”

I think you’re completely on point here. At this point, I haven’t completely given up hope but I do think NC is the only thing that’s really going to potentially give you what you want. He’s not going to learn any lesson or realize he needs to grow up and make choices if you’re always there for him, and contacting him really does just seem to hurt you. I’m so glad you’re being incredibly strong and taking care of yourself, even though you’re afraid he could forget about you, like so many of us are. Don’t be afraid! Everything is going to work out, one way or another!

“I mean his improvements didn’t really hit again until he started seeing me again. His improvements (in his eyes) were just buying new expensive things and making more money. So that’s not much of an amazing change. You know? He was basically replacing me with things and people. He even admitted that he drank a lot in order to forget and take the pain away after we broke up. It just isn’t right, you know?”

THIS! This is the thing that’s currently killing me about my situation, and the reason why I completely understand where you’re at. My SO didn’t say anything wanting to try dating other people or needing to figure out on his own that I’m the one, but he did say he needed to try and figure his future out and he wanted to change his life and start over. So far, his starting over has been moving three blocks away, continuing to sit at home on his computer or playing his mandolin like he always did, working the same job, and occasionally playing tennis with the guy friend he stayed with once I kicked him out of the apartment. That’s it. That’s the change. Heck, my case worker says he actually appears to spend more time trying to contact me and make plans and go out of his way to do things for me now that he left me. Guys work in mysterious ways and it’s mind-blowing to me to try and comprehend how neither of our guys can see that breaking up with us doesn’t fix their issue.

35

Thank you! It is mind blowing! I want to do what is best for me but I also want him to realize as well. I am worth more than being thrown away. You know? Especially since everything we had. I really want to make a difference with this NC for both of us. I hope it works out the way I hope. But I’m mostly doing NC for me. I know by us talking about things, it would do more harm than good. I have no urge to contact him nor do I care as of right now if he contacts me.

Like I said, I hope it works…

But your situation is just flat out mind blowing! Haha! I don’t understand your guy whatsoever!!

36

That’s the part that I don’t get. Everyone tells me that if I keep talking to him or allowing him to stay in my life without us being in a relationship, he’s “having his cake and eating it too.” And the only thing I can’t help but think is, “No, having his cake and eating it too would be having a relationship with me AND getting more independence and opportunities to explore the world.” And those aren’t mutually exclusive things, which is why I don’t get it. He can have both and should have both and I want him to have THAT damn cake and eat it too.

I think anyone who says that aren’t at least partially doing NC to try and get their guy/gal/what have you back is lying, so it’s good that you can own up to that. What’s even better, on top of that, is that you are motivated to do it for yourself. As hard as it is, I think that’s why NC is such a good route to go by because it means we have to focus on ourselves and how to work things out in case they don’t come back. You’re already making steps if you have no urge to contact him and don’t care if he contacts you. I’m sure it won’t always be that easy, but you’re starting out great and it’s wonderful to see :slight_smile: I have this gut feeling that it WILL work, but it’ll just take time. I may be too optimistic, but that’s how I see it.

I don’t understand him either. Like I’ve said, I think he was caught off guard when I took him seriously this time and there were consequences. I think he expected this all to blow over. And since it really hasn’t, I think he hesitates a lot to be in contact or communicate with me unless I’m 100% enthusiastic or engaged. And if it’s not him being caught off guard, I just don’t think he even realized what a break up really entails, and has yet to get it through his thick skull that he can have me or he can be away from me, but in the long run he can’t have both. I don’t know. I feel like I’m totally delusional at this point to be talking to him or assuming he cares, but I don’t feel like shutting down and going NC really solves anything either. My brain is too biased to trust itself anymore hah! :stuck_out_tongue:

37

You made me laugh at your first paragraph! You sound EXACTLY like me. With my situation, it was “he’s got his cake and he can eat it too”. Because he had me in his life, but he was single. So he still could hang out with his bosses (that he slept with) and coworkers while having me in his life whenever he wanted me around. I was overly available and let him do whatever he wanted. That’s him getting his cake and eating it too. I don’t see where your relationship comes into play with that remark? He isn’t taking advantage of you? He is going out of his way to see you? He wants to be around? He is still upholding your value? So I don’t see how it exactly pertains to you!! Maybe I get the definition wrong or other people do!! Haha!!

Again with your third paragraph, I understand how you must feel! I feel like my ex thinks the same way so now that I’m showing I take it seriously, it may also impact him. You are being delusional. He does care about you. Stop it! Lmfao!!! :slight_smile:

Yes, I definitely don’t think that it will always be easy, but it has become easier. I’ve dealt with it for so long, that I almost have to make it easier. I have too much pride to lie to myself and everyone else about this being partially to get him back. I wouldn’t still be on here if that was true! There is a part of me that hopes that one day we could have something again, but at the same time if it doesn’t, I will be strong enough

38

You made me laugh at your first paragraph! You sound EXACTLY like me. With my situation, it was “he’s got his cake and he can eat it too”. Because he had me in his life, but he was single. So he still could hang out with his bosses (that he slept with) and coworkers while having me in his life whenever he wanted me around. I was overly available and let him do whatever he wanted. That’s him getting his cake and eating it too. I don’t see where your relationship comes into play with that remark? He isn’t taking advantage of you? He is going out of his way to see you? He wants to be around? He is still upholding your value? So I don’t see how it exactly pertains to you!! Maybe I get the definition wrong or other people do!! Haha!!

Again with your third paragraph, I understand how you must feel! I feel like my ex thinks the same way so now that I’m showing I take it seriously, it may also impact him. You are being delusional. He does care about you. Stop it! Lmfao!!! :slight_smile:

Yes, I definitely don’t think that it will always be easy, but it has become easier. I’ve dealt with it for so long, that I almost have to make it easier. I have too much pride to lie to myself and everyone else about this being partially to get him back. I wouldn’t still be on here if that was true! There is a part of me that hopes that one day we could have something again, but at the same time if it doesn’t, I will be strong enough to let completely go. I don’t plan on being crushed again. I do want this to get his attention. I do want him to have some regret and miss me. I do want him to see my value and want me again. But I always want to be happy enough to be able to live without his acceptance. So yes, I hope it works out where I will get all that from him, while I have improved on myself!

39

Well guys, he unfollowed me on Instagram! Kinda hurt a little, but I guess that is what I should expect right?

40

I need a pep talk guys! I felt my heart drop a little! Not upset, just need a pep talk!!