First of all,Im 16 and i was with my ex girlfriend for almost 2 years now. Everything was really good at the beginning, we haad good mental and psyiccal connection. Everything was going really great until it started going doen hill. Very often,when we had a problem,we did the silence therapy until one of us gave up and apologised. I was also really protective,often too protective, because we both felt,that we are each others soul mates. I had also problems with trusting her. She had messed up few times by lying,not telling truth etc,mainly because she was afraid to tell the truth.The lies were nothing too big (cheating etc).
Everything went kinda downhill for abput 3 months until in late october we had really rough break up,for me atleast. We didnt talk for a week and when i finally wrote her it became cery clear to me,that its really over now. She said,that she doesnt have enough feelings towards me and she just could’nt handle the stress that came with our relationship. It really broke me
I really begged her and promised to change myself,but nothing helped. I read an article about trying to makr that connection again by being friends and finally getting together again. At first it worked,she felt really good,laughed, she was even okay,when we cuddled. When i asked her how she feels,she told me,that she felt better. I thought everything was going to be okay until one day after she left from my place, she wrote me on facebook,that she thinks it all wrong. I was really broken once again. She said, that it’s all so complicated for her and she cant go in a relationship with me if she doesnt know what she wants. She told me,that i was like a brother to him. We still talk on facebook reguraly. I noticed,that when we were together,she really felt something towards me and i felt like we were together again, but when she left she started saying again that its complete bull**** and it wont work,she doesnt have enough feelings etc. Could it be,that she is forcing her feeling down and is overthinking? Should i try the ex back permanently 5 step program to get her back? Is it even worth trying?
I would like to give a little update on the situation
We decided to meet up on 24th December. At first we decided to meet outside, but the she invited me to her place. I went there without any second thoughts. Everything was fine,she was really open with me, she was really playful. She even did a thing,that was almost like tradition while we were still together where when i was taking of my shoes she would lean on me and try to pull me down. That would usually end with me holding her in my hands while her legs are around me. That happened this time aswell. It was really awkward but good at the same time. It didnt bother her at all. When it was time to leave she hugged me very tightly and we wished each other merry christmas.
Also at one night,when we played a online game together,that we used to play when we were together a lot she told me that i was her’s and called me her baby. I was really confused and when i asked her,she told that she meant that as a friend. I got even more confused. Last night we met up outside. I wanted to meet her to talk about our situation and that i was considering no contact. She was okay with meeting up. She immedeatly hugged me,when we met. We had really good time together and all. She was really understanding and all. We were really close together. I even gave her few piggyback rides when we were outside(we did this also when we were together). When it was already after 10pm we got even closer to each other. She felt cold so i opened my jacket and she hugged me and i put my jackey around her. We were really close to eachother’s faces. We even put pur noses together. Everything was excactly like when we were in a relationship.
And i dont know if it was mistake or no,but i told her what this no contact is all about. Did I ruined all my chanches with her by explaining ,that the point of no contact is to see,if she starts missing me once the so called emotional or mental relationship is also over. I tried to explain her,that she hasn’t started missing being with me in a relationship is because she has not actually lost me yet. We are still there for each other and all. She told me,that all of the negative thoughts about the relationship are gone and she feels neutral about me.She keeps telling me,that I am her best friend and she never wants to lose me,but i cant stay friends with her. I want something more. I have also changed my behaviour and she has noticed it (she was happy about me).
I am really afraid to use the no contact,because i am afraid she will move on and forget me. What should i do or what should be the next step?
The no contact is mostly to figure out what went wrong with the relationship and try and improve yourself. She sounds confused about her future and might be too young to want a serious relationship.
You could continue to see her, but not frequently. You both need to focus on school studies and getting good grades.
We have already talked about,what went wrong. I promosed her,that I can change,but she didnt belive me…
We had serious romantic relationship for almost 2 years and that didnt seem to impact our grades.
Should I just try to be best version of myself as friends to prove her,that i can change or should I keep distance for a while so she could clear out her mind?
She won’t forget you if you do no contact. Nobody knows what will happen, but it would give her a chance to cool off if you did something to upset her.
Since you know what went wrong, try to improve those areas. But if it’s that she wants to “find herself” as to who she is as a single person, you can’t do anything about that. It also might be that you’re the only one she had a relationship with and she wonders what it would be like to be with someone else.
How old is she?
You’re very young and most likely this won’t be the last relationship of your life. As people mature, they come to understand what they need and want in a serious relationship.
She is 15. We had very strong and mature relationship until i got too insecure and started to overthink a lot. I also had some anger issues,where i would sometimes punch doors/walls. I had some suicidal thoughts,when we argued. Sometimes she said,that she fears me. I never assaulted her.
We havent been together for almost 2 months now and I can say i have gotten over the anger issues and almost gotten rid of my fears and overthinking. I see everything i have done wrong noe. She told me,that she can see the changes i have made with myself. She said that,she trusts me completly as a friend,but as soon as she thinks about relationship with me,she starts to doubt in me wanting to change myself and,that the fear is still there.
We got together today and i felt kind of down for no reason. She tried really hard to find out and eventually I opened up to her. I talked about our previous relationship etc. I also asked her why did she gave up,when we were trying to make things work. At first she told that she did all of this for me,but later she admitted, that she wanted to get back aswell. We tried to be together again,but took it slowly. We made a deal,that if it gets uncomfortable for her,she will tell me and she did,for example before going to sleep she told me,that she doesnt want to cuddle and i backed off. The next morning she was very close to me. She said,that she feels good and she is having more positive feelings towards me every time we meet up. At one point she was really close to me and as soon as she got home and started to think about it she told me that this whole thing is complete crap and she doesnt want to try again. I tried to convince her,that she is overthinking but she didnt listen. She admitted,that she tried but forced herself to not want to try. I made the decision to take time off for few weeks and now we are in no contact time.
Wow, punching doors and walls is a very serious issue! This deep seated anger is not easy to overcome nor does is resolve in a few months. I highly suggest anger management classes!
She deserves someone who can control their anger at all times and treat her with respect.
You need to be able to have more self control of your emotions and anger issues. Not for anybody else necessarily, but for yourself. These sorts of issues will never allow for a normal happy long lasting relationship with anyone!
Please talk with your parents and tell them you need help…
Usually i’m not agressive or have problems with that. Im that kind of person,that soaks up all of the negative emotions,but once the limit is reached I “explode”. It has happened 2-3 times in the course of 2 years. I know,that it is a problem,but i think it could’ve been avoided if we just talked with each other and discussed about the problem. Usually,when we had problems we both sat silently for hours until one of us started talking or one of us wanted to go home. I got mad,when we both knew,that she made a mistake,but didnt get it herself. Only later,when we talked about it she realized,that she did something wrong.
You need to understand your brewing anger (negative emotions) and explosive behaviors are not normal. Neither is thoughts of suicide. You can’t fix this by yourself. Please tell your parents you need professional therapy.
And what good does sitting silently for hours accomplish? She’s not perfect and neither are you.
Mature people in a relationship calmly talk with each other about the problems and discuss possible ways to resolve them. This is done without anger, name calling, yelling, or profanity.
You wrote:“… i think it could’ve been avoided if we just talked with each other and discussed about the problem.”
You’re trying to justify your reactions, but there’s no good excuse! You need to learn how to express your feelings in a positive way and self control over your emotions. You need to know allowing negative thoughts to accumulate or holding grudges doesn’t help you to become a person with an even temperament who handles issues appropriately.
You need to recognize you have a problem and do something about it!
I am going to talk with my parents to get anger management class,because I truly want to change myself for better.
I completely understand,that my anger is big issue. When we tried to talk right away when we had any problems,things were much better. The thing is we both have kinda high egos and none of us want to admit,that we were wrong.
My father was sometimes abusive towards me and my mother. She had also very abusive father,when she was little and that has left scars for both of us for life. Since that,she has had problems with trusting peole. She thinks,that people dont change,because his father didnt. I completely understand why she wouldnt want to be with me. She has told me,that if I am angry,she starts thinking that im gonna be like his father and she is afraid of it.
I am also afraid,if i dont change myself im gonna end up like my or her father. Main reason she cant give us another chance is the fear,the fear that im gonna be like his father. I want to prove her,that I truly love her and that people can change for better.
I am really thankful,that you are taking time to give me advice I want to talk with my mother,about the whole situation,but i have no clue how to approach her… could you give me any advice about that?
I’m sorry you witnessed abuse of your mother and that your father was also abusive towards you. He is not a good role model of a good man and sometimes the children also become abusers. Are your parents are still married?
I have two sons and I divorced my husband years ago because he was abusive and I didn’t want my sons to grow up in that environment. My sons grew up to become loving husbands and fathers with no abusive tendencies. I also have a boyfriend who is the kindest, most gentle man I have ever known! Most boys who grow up in abusive households vow to never ever become abusers.
Yes, I believe you can change if you have the desire to do so and get help. Just tell your mother that you realize that you have abusive tendencies. And that you have an issue with negative emotions and have had some explosive outbursts of anger by punching doors and walls. Just be totally honest with her.
You should also know that anger directed towards objects (punching walls or throwing things) sometimes escalates towards people. I’m glad to hear you never assaulted your girlfriend, but there’s still the possibility you might, if you don’t learn to control yourself through anger management classes or psychological therapy.
I wish you the best and I know you can improve yourself:) It will take awhile, but don’t give up trying!
Me,my mom and my sister moved away about 5 years ago. I still talk with my father. I feel,that he has changed.
When I first started talking with my ex girlfriend we both knew,that we had special connection. She said,that she hasnt been this happy for her entire life. We talked about things,that we didnt trust to anyone else. We both felt,that we are soulmates. We had same past and we understood eachother very well.
I feel totally broken for letting her down. I regret so much,that i broke her trust. I’m willing to do everything to make her happy again,whatever it takes. She deserves a good partner and I know I can give her that,If i really want to.
I am currently in no contact with her,because yesterday we talked about the conflict,where i was agressive and said suicidal things. That made her fear me again she pushed me away.
When would be the right time to start texting with her again?
Your ex sounds like a sweet young lady and yes, she deserves a good partner. I understand her fears and not trusting you right now. Let her know you’re very serious about improving. Let her know you need no contact for a while in order to get help and start the process of changing your thoughts and behaviors.
After you feel less anxiety about the whole situation, text her about what you’ve been doing towards your goal.
I’ve got some errands to run, but I’ll be thinking and praying for you…
Thank you so much for listening and giving me advcice. It gave me huge motivational and confidence boost. I am starting to get back hope. Thank you so much once again I write,if anything changes or if I have any updates.
I told my mom everything,that has happened and that i wanted to change. She was really understanding and started looking for therapist.
Today should be our 2 year mark with my ex and I feel so down. She is also in my town. Im trying my best not to write her to meet up or anything,but im afraid I cant resist.
I’m glad you talked with your mom and that she’s looking for a therapist! Hopefully you can start soon. The sooner, the better…
What do you mean and how do you know she is in your town? How long will she be there? How far apart is her town from you?
I don’t think meeting up with your ex is a good idea at this point, but if you do see her, you must control what you say! No accusations, no depressing words, no jealousy etc… you get the idea.
We got together today,2 years ago. She sent a snap,that she is at her sister’s place. Her sister lives in same town as I am. She actually lives about 15km away. Im not sure how long she will be there. I try hard not to even write her,but it is very hard,when I see,that she is online. Considering to remove her from everywhere,but I am afraid,that she wont reach out.
For now, the best thing you can do is to focus on getting better by attending therapy sessions.
Good luck and I pray you will change your thoughts and behaviors in order to become the man you can be proud of,a man in control of himself at all times and has a gentle kind personality:)
I want to talk with my mother,about the whole situation,but i have no clue how to approach her… could you give me any advice about that?