Should I contact her now?

reconciliation
1

Hey everyone,

Long story short (described in more details in another thread on the NC board), I dated a girl for 2 months and really fell for her. She broke up with me 3 months ago and gave me two reasons: (1) she was scared of being in a same-sex relationship and did not want to mess me around (she told me I was her first first) and (2) she said we didn’t have enough in common. I think reason 2 was bullshit to push me away. Since then we have been completely out of touch, no phone call, no text message, no facebook, nothing at all.

It has been 3 months and I feel ready to contact her now. I have done a bit of exercise, been on a few dates with another girl. Dating another girl actually made me think about my ex even more and realise I still cared about her so much.

So here is my list of pros and cons for contacting my ex:

PROS:

  1. I WANT her in my life
  2. I have given her enough time and space to think things through and take a breather (3 months!)
  3. I still love her and am confident that having her in my life will make me happier
  4. I don’t want to have regrets and realise at a later stage that I should have contacted her.

CONS:

  1. Scared of being stuck in the dead friend zone
  2. Is 3 months enough time for her to come to terms with her sexual orientation? I have this strange feeling that it is too early and too late at the same time…
  3. Even assuming there is still s park between us this will be a long journey and I will need to be very very patient.
  4. She has little self-confidence and we had communication issues when we were together.
  5. Her best friend might stand between the 2 of us - my intuition tells me that her best friend influenced her to break up with me.
  6. Almost all of my friends/relatives think I should not contact her, not because they think she is not worth it but because they feel the situtation is too complicated and would only make me anxious.

Any suggestions people?

2

Hey,
If she is afraid of being in a same sex relationship,there is nothing you can do about it.
Yes you have given her enough time and if you two get back together,you should forget about your past relationship and think of it as a new date.
Here’s a checklist for ending no contact.

-You followed the no contact rule for at least one month.
-You are no longer a mess as you were after the breakup.
-You have made a few positive changes in your life.
-You are absolutely sure that getting back with your ex is a good decision.
-You have gone on at least one date during no contact.
-You have accepted the breakup and you are OK with the fact that you may never get your ex back and this might never work for you.
-You have accepted the fact that even if you don’t get your ex back, you will be fine since there are endless opportunities in the world to find love and happiness.

If you think you’re really ready,contact her.PLay everything cool and take it slow.

3

Thanks for your advice. I think I will contact her this weekend - already have a simple and casual text message in mind. Will keep the thread updated with how it goes!

4

Best of luck

5

So I contacted her late afternoon London time (we both live in England) with this “hey H, walked past the other day and it reminded me of you. Just thought I would check how you are doing”.

After 5 hours she replied: “Hi Emily, I’m doing good thanks. Moved to London with K [her best friend] and liking new house! Hope you’are doing ok?”

I was so pleased to read she had moved out of her parents’ house, which I thought was one the reasons why it has been difficult for her to be out as gay. Looks like she has made positive changes in her life during the NC period!

Then I replied: “Hey, I’am doing great thank you. Lucky you, a house in London with a garden and a summer house? How was your summer holiday?”

She texted: “Well, more of a shed really! Summer was good. How is the promotion going?” To which I said: “The promotion has made my summer crazy busy but moved to my own office. Well, more like a shed really :-)”.

I did not receive any reply from her after that but it was already 11pm and I did not ask any questions in the last text, probably should have to keep the convo going… That being said, I think it went well, didn’t it?

Now, if she does not reply I don’t think I should contact her again this weekend. Obviously I’m hoping for her to initiate contact now but how long do you think I should wait before texting her again and to say what?? Something like “hey, I was thinking we could catch up one day after work over a drink” would be too abrupt after only a couple of messages?

Another thing: I am supposed to have dinner with a mutual friend next week who I have not seen in ages so I am pretty sure I will be bombarded with questions such as “have you been dating”, “have you been in touch with ”?. Now since anything I say could go back to my ex I think I should just say the truth but remain vague. So I would say “yeah, dated a girl, she was nice and funny but I did not take it any further” and “yeah, have been recently in touch with , I am pleased to see she is doing great!”

Advice please? thanks.

6

Actually just got a reply from her as I was publishing the post above!

7

So we have been exchanging another couple of messages and now it’s radio silence. But I am almost 100% sure she is happy I contacted her! But could someone advise me on when to contact her next and how to pop the “let’s have catch-up drinks” question? I don’t want to ruin it by going too fast, which was part of the problem when we were dating each other.

8

You can contact her once a week (or if she is being friendly,every 5 days ),act like you are friends,get closer to her,let her feel comfortable talkin to you,be cool and confident then when you think she’s ready,go ahead and ask her out.
She doesn’t have to know that you want her back.
Don’t be the one who initiates contact all the times.Let her chase you sometimes.
Keep the conversations short and sweet.Always be happy and confident and let her know that you have been doing great.

9

Hey a.z. thanks for your advice! We texted each other yesterday all day. She was friendly and even pulled my leg with jokes. She sent the last message but I will leave it for now. Hopefully she will initiate contact during the week and if not I will text her again next weekend.

Another thing, shall I say our mutual friend that I have been on a few dates if she asks me?

10

Don’t use the word date for now.Just tell her that you have been going out,meeting new people.

11

Thanks a.z!

After one day or radio silence she texted last night to say “Just want to say - it’s nice to hear from you.”. To which I replied “it’s lovely to be in touch with too. Have a nice week, speak to you soon” to basically reward her message but keep it cool and distant at this stage. She texted back “have a good week. Don’t work too hard!”. I did not reply and won’t until next weekend. Now I am sure she will be waiting for my next message! Her messages last night gave me a boost! Think I did it well, no?

12

You’re doing great! You’ve kept it cool and happy and confident. She even I contacted you first which indicates she must be happy you contacted her! And now you have her on a thread waiting for you to contact! Good luck!

13

Thanks for the encouragement Leslie and good luck to you as well!

14

Thank you!
If you have the time could you read my story and give any advice that you may have? It would mean a lot.

15

Hi everyone,

Unfortunately I have been going through an emotional roller coaster since yesterday. During the 3 month NC period I was feeling better day after day, I was sort of moving on without really moving on if that makes sense. As explained above, I made the decision to contact her again after being on a few dates with a girl because it felt so wrong, all I could think about after the dates was my ex and how strong my feelings for her are…Now that I have made contact with her and even though it’s been going well so far, I feel anxious again, waiting for a text message, wondering if the reason why she seems so happy to be in touch with me is because she feels relieved that I am not angry with her and am ready to be her friend… Well, not really… I know I should not overanalyse things but cannot really help it…

So one minute I think I have increased my chances by following the steps pretty well so far and that the spark can be reignited and I feel great; and the next I feel like I won’t be able to hide my disappointment when we meet up (am pretty sure we will at some point) and she says something along the lines of “it’s nice to be friends with you”. What the bloody hell have I got myself into? And the thought of my friends telling me “you should have moved on” annoys me.

16

Its only natural to be anxious, you fear rejection again but it hasn’t happened and may not, stay positive and remember for now you are just friends, keep a cool head and forget what your friends “might” say, its your life not there’s.
Good luck

17

Thanks. I just find it difficult to focus on something else right now.

18

I know, your in a precarious place right now but your so close, think how many people on this site would love to be at this stage, myself included.
Try not to dwell on it, go out get some exercise, distract yourself as only you know how.
Your doing great and were all routing for you.

19

Thanks for your support supertedwin - you are right, I should put things back into perspective. If you want to I can have a look at your story and try help you if I can.

20

I always welcome any help I can get, thank you.