Thank you for that. I’ve recently been wondering about my actions and why I did it and couldn’t break it. I strongly believe, as you’ve said, I could hand abandonment issues. Probably low self esteem too. I’ve gone through much trauma in my life in which I’ve muddled my way through and never really properly addressed. Everything you say is what I’ve been thinking lately.
This is all a massive positive step to actually realise I’ve some issues that at least I can now recognise and deal with.
As a person my ex may have had his own issues, lack of trust. He would sneek on my phone to check and quite frankly that’s just wrong. I know he did it to his last long term relationship and found out a suspicious text so he ended that relationship, just like what he’s done to me. So the combination of the 2 of us leads to disaster and just amazing we lasted 8 years! It shows there was something quite deep between us.
Yes, I agree, I’ve much healing to do and need this time to sort myself out. I’m going to look into abandonment fears but quiet frankly I feel I’m just about to open up a can of worms! It needs to be done for my next relationship whether it’s with him or someone new.
Everything you’ve said here seems quite logical to me. I’m happy that, at least, you may now have the chance to heal some deep old wounds.
The worms gotta come out!! No matter how many or ugly they are
It could be a good idea to reach out to him after your NC is over, and explain your behaviour to him. I’m sure he would really appreciate it, and who knows… I know I should be careful with saying this, but I can’t imagine this guy being done with you forever from what you’ve written.
But for now, take his word for it and try your best to let go.
He clearly has trust issues yes, and he seems to hold grudges. But that you lasted so long definitely says something, I agree! And time will make him remember you in a better light, and lessen his anger.
I think you should lower those shoulders, relax, and get to work on healing yourself from those traumas.
This video has really helped me so I thought I’d share. You copy what he does and give yourself permission to really feel. Wait until you feel ready to open a can:P
Thank you again Aphrodite,
You’re great to talk to.
I will take a look at that video. Anything is helpful.
Many people see me as this capable person who has raised 2 wonderful boys pretty much on my own and they see me do it all graciously. Underneath I’m a total mess! Haha. I come across as a witty, happy person but believe me, if a subject is raised that I’m sensitive towards I’m fragile as the thinnest piece of glass there is.
This forum has been amazing, hearing people’s stories and getting advice has been a godsend.
I’m sorry @aussie_guy but I found your last post really confusing… Is there any way you can simplify it? If not don’t worry, maybe someone else understands!
The gist is by what you’ve written is that you’re over analysing.
You’re looking into every possibility out of series of events that’s happened lately.
Nikki is contributing her thoughts too. It’s really complicated how you’ve written this so I’m just going to cut out what’s been said and done and just look at facts.
Whatever had been analysed you need to back off, Sarah doesn’t know what she wants. She’s at that age she needs to commit and it’s staring at her in the face. If she commits it’s the whole shebang, house, kids, marriage the lot and it sounds like she’s not ready yet by the way she’s acting. Her clock is ticking but she’s unsure so she’s freaking out.
Read that article I sent a link to. After reading it you will be much more peaceful in yourself!
Hi @Bella
Thanks. Sorry about the way I have written this. Ill start reading that article now.
Sarah had pressure put on her by her mother about 2 years ago as her mother suffered from early menopause so Sarah was putting the pressure on me when I wasn’t really ready or thinking hard about that at the time.
We were more serious about it Jan-April last year (2014) as she was being more proactive than I was with changing our private health cover to the family cover as you have to do it at least 3-4 months in advanced to be covered.
We were serious around March-July about getting engaged and the investment property was last on the list but was of course spoken about this year.
Nikki is someone I trust, someone who is a dear friend to Sarah also but if I tell her anything it is in confidence, i mean I did organise her engagement diamond through Nikki as thats her line of field.
She had some talks with Sarah and those questions were raised. Those things were raised when we were both extremely emotional at the very early stages of breaking up. During this time Sarah said she doesn’t want to have kids with me and doesn’t want to marry me, i.e spend the rest of her life with me. It was so hard to take.
She knows she wants kids, and she knows she may also suffer from early menopause as she is 32 this year. God knows what is going through her mind right now and as everyone says, time is a huge factor in this uncomfortable scenario.
It’s really hard to give advice or comment on someone else’s relationship because only you and her know really what happened. All I can say is that if she’s mad and upset giving her space and time to figure herself and the situation out. I’m sure she still cares about you and thinks about you. You guys spent a lot of time together and that just doesn’t go away. Ultimately you should give her time and then at some point reach out and ask the tough questions and see where your future stands. I know from my situation tho you may never get the answers you are looking for. All I ever got was I don’t know what will happen but I don’t want to lead you on. After getting that after the first 4 months when I asked twice I just stopped asking and just started being cordial. My ex is still very emotional as I’m sure yours will be for a long time. The only thing I can say that helped me is to get back to being the best version of yourself. Hopefully working on yourself will bring you happiness and one day you and your ex can reunite. You can’t reunite with the hope of ever going back to how it was. How it was didn’t work and I realized that. You have to hopefully get to a point where if you get back both of you are better and that will make your relationship better together. After a certain amount of time you have stop thinking about asking for her back because the reality is that it is her decision to make to reunite and not yours. I will never ask for my ex back directly and only hope I guess she makes the decision to try again and at that time who knows where I will be in life. People get back together after long break ups, sometimes it’s just how life works.
In all Aussie_guy, you need to back right off. Don’t analysis too much. She’s not going to walk right out of your life just like that. Back off, give it time and improve yourself. You know the rule.
