Recent break up after 5 years

reconciliation
21

I doubt she would be the type of person to have a fling or a rebound she does have values.
Thats what I’m doing, getting back to the person I was so I can become attractive again, this year my company lost importation rights to a big brand we have had for 30 years, now we are just a dealer so we have been nothing all year, so not really attractive when your not knowing where the company is going and whether you will have a job still, now that has all completely change as of the last couple of weeks. I let her know about it as well and a huge opportunity for me to drive this new product in Australia and New Zealand on my own.

Its a good article hey… glad you read it.

I think for now, try to remove the emotional stuff from it as hard as that sounds. I live in Queensland.

22

Hey Aussie_guy,

It’s good to have something to work for, we both need to drive hard to make ourselves better… More attractive, confident.
Can get bogged down in a comfy relationship and things can get taken for granted on both sides.

I’ve had a few exchange of emails as I said and now I’m re reading them, reading into things and totally going stir crazy. He’s not said he doesn’t love me, not that I’ve asked that question as too scared.
Has she told you that she doesn’t love you?

Hey Currumbin is MY beach! I’m moving to Currumbin at some stage. I can see myself sitting on Elephant rock with a beer in hand with the wind in my hair…oh yeh!
I will have you know I’m a member of the First Fleet Association! Oh yeah.

23

Hey @Bella,
I randomly just woke up didn’t even hear your email come through.
I’m on the GC but the Northern side of the beach. She has moved to Mermaid as she likes Nobby’s area, trendy, people our age living there though can come across quite fake as you may know. All her friends are here so knows no one there but is very good at meeting people quite easily as she is an out going person.
Yes of course she loves me she has told me on many occasions, she told me after we broke up, when we went to a wedding in Adelaide, (3 weeks after calling it and temporally moving into a friends house over the road because it was to emotional for the both of us) that she was nervous seeing me and was really looking forward to seeing me. We were great at that wedding. She got up set a couple of times when I put my hard attitude on (in a respectful way) regarding her moving out as I needed time to recover from this so I can move on with my life. The moving has dragged on from 8 weeks ago to last Sunday for reasons we both contributed to.

Yes you are right, we took each other for granted and I also think we got bogged down though this trust issue she has which is not my fault because if her past is needing to be sorted by her. We also needed to communicate a lot better which we did many many times but struggled in some areas.
Sometimes people, whether your a phycologist (as she is) or not need educating for them to know what to do. We had our faults and I would love to work on them with her, unfortunately New Years is approaching and I haven’t heard from her for 8 days, Sunday before Christmas :frowning:

Currumbin is a beautiful place, great spot, though, a pain if you have to travel to South Brisbane a lot.
If you have FB let me know, your obviously a local? We could possibly meet?

24

You must have sensed I was thinking about Currumbin. Lol

Just give it time Aussie_guy. She loves you but has issues. You need this time to improve yourself as I do too. It’s positive step forward, it’s just this time alone sucks, not knowing what the future holds.
My ex loved me so much I took it for granted. I thought he would be always there and I thought I would be the one to walk away,which I initially did.
That feeling I had lasted 6 weeks where I didn’t want to see him, talk to him or have anything to do with him. So I’m living proof that a change of thought does exist. The fact is however hurt I was, I still loved him but the hurt over rode the love that I didn’t see it.
The love is there, we need to both improve our lives, and wait for them to come back. I’m pretty sure that my guy will but it’s not going to be soon. Maybe in the Spring. We were too good together for him to go forever.
Sounds a bit like your ex.

I’d love to meet up except in I’m London!
I’m dual nationality as I was born here. I’ve an Aussie mother who originates from Glen Innes. My brother owns Queensland Salads in Brisbane, lives in East Gravatt. Mum lives in South Tweed. My cousins is on the GC too. As is said we’ve been in Oz since the first ship arrived! Lol. Just so happened my mother decided to come over to UK for an adventure when she was 20, married my dad, had 2 kids and buggered back of to Oz when I was 17! Lol. So I’m the only family member here in the UK now. Once my youngest finishes school here then I will wing my way back to Oz and set up around Currumbin.
I’m on facebook, how do I add you ? I doubt your real name is Aussie_guy lol

25

Lol maybe.
Yes it does suck very much.
I was exactly the same way, took it for granted though so did she. I loved her so much but didn’t try as hard as I knew I could.
Again the same, I thought I also was going to walk but kept in there and believed it wasn’t the right decision because I just knew it was the wrong thing to do, we were meant to be.
Meow 6 weeks Thats incredible. There you go…!!!

I think the love is also there but now EVERYTHING has been moved out it has only been 8 days where she has no reason to contact. But yes very similar I guess. She does need to sort her shit out because we certainly did have a great love for each other, I mean we hugged four times Sunday week ago when she picked up the last of her things. She does still care about me and my family a lot. Including our cat we got this year.
I know Glenn Innes, nice quite country place.
So is your little one your partners? Will you all come over?
No lol my name isn’t that, what’s your email address linked to your FB and I’ll add you.
Need to go back to sleep now as it 3:42am and I’m going for a surf at about 5:39-6am.

26

Thanks for posting the article…good read

I seriously doubt she will move on quickly. It’s been 8 months and my ex still hasn’t moved on to someone else.

You never know what is going on in their heads. Its weird how she will be so emotional in front of me even so long after the breakup, but it doesn’t mean anything about getting back together. It’s hard not to think about in the beginning, but over time you have to try not to think about it or you will never get better. I try to be more positive and confident everyday in all aspects of life. I have to remember she is the one who left me and the future if any is in her hands and not mine. She is the one who wanted to “work on herself”. I can’t be there for her anymore and I have only myself to work on. I go out most weekends and hopefully one day I will meet someone who I enjoy spending time with enough for more than one night.

I hop things work out for you and you find happiness with your ex or someone else…good luck

27

Aussie_guy. My email is . No, my boys are not my ex’s even though he’s been in their lives for the last 8 years and as my youngest is now 11 whose real dad is not on the scene, my ex really did play dad. Ouch…it hurts a Lot what’s happened. You will never know :frowning:
Oh, I lived in Glen Innes for a whole year and the one thing I remember all the girls hated me! Lol

Mike2014. You will find happiness, I mean we all will…it’s just this rubbish we have to go through to get to the end and the beginning of happiness.

28

Thanks Belle,

I hope you find happiness as well. The holidays are alittle tough because when you spend so many years with someone you are used to doing the holiday stuff with them. It is rubbish lol. Best of luck to you

29

It is rubbish, it’s so depressing. I wonder who I’m gonna kiss on new years eve:(

I’ve tried talking to other guys but I compare them all to ex. There’s no point in it really because all I want is him. How the hell doesn’t he feel the same way… I really feel like I’ve teleported to some strange rubbish reality.

30

That’s why I’m not walking away or moving on. What do I move onto when I want him? I can’t, I just need to get used to the situation first and try live a life.

I’m having an early night tomorrow night!!

31

I know how you feel. I can’t move on either. Guess we have to accept our current state of inability to move on and longing. It’s hard to accept it though because the state in itself is so painful:( And all the why’s and how’s. Are you doing NC, or still in contact with him?

32

I’ve been in contact today. Emails. He was saying that the emails will have to finally stop as it’s not helping with moving on. He sometimes contradicts what he says and I look inbetween the lines hooping to see a ray of sunshine.

So, after today’s emails I now have to start NC…again. The anger has subsided slightly from him now and he has said that the NC is helping him cope with everything even though he doesn’t know about this site or what NC is.
I believe he still still loves me but he can’t see it because of anger. I did say in one of my emails that we will not find another compatible partner for many years, if we strike lucky one of might find love in a couple of years but if that has longevity is another thing. Because of this the fact he won’t iron out our problems is an utter waste. He acknowledged and said I had a valid point but in next sentence he spoke about moving on.
He’s not told me he doesn’t love me and for that reason I’m going to NC again and see where that goes. I’ve nothing to lose.

How about you? Any further contact?

33

No, nothing @Belle

34

@Belle I think one of the most difficult things is when they’re being ambiguous and not direct. My ex has been ambiguous and it’s so easy to translate what he said into something more meaningful than it was. Reading into stuff. For example my ex couldn’t say goodbye when I left his country because (he said) had he just seen me that morning he would have taken me back (We were in the same house!!!) so he just left for work without a final goodbye hug. I remember waking up from hearing the front door shut and thinking wth… No final goodbye after 10 years? He apologised for this a few days ago, and said he’s lost sleep over it, and continues to loose sleep over thinking that he missed his chance for a last hug forever. It seems like he’s so emotional.

I keep catching myself thinking that means he still wants me, but it’s against all rationality, as he’s asked me to move on and told my mom he hopes I find someone I deserve and that he can’t be the one to make me happy. Also he seemed unaffected and slightly indifferent on our video call. It’s so frustrating. Sometimes those rays of light give us motivation and other times I feel like they just delay the hurt and make it worse. I overanalyse so much.

I’m glad to hear his anger has subsided some. Why is he so angry? In a way him being angry is a good thing because it means he does have strong feelings about it/you.
Good luck with NC, it’s the only option really if he says it’s helping him as well. I feel for you!

I had contact with him on xmas. First a call, then a video call that I initiated the next day. He wants to be friends and also wants me to move on. I asked how he would feel if I dated someone whilst we were friends, which he didn’t know but said he would cross that bridge when we come to it.
I’m not convinced he actually wants to be friends or if it’s his guilt and politeness talking. I’m not sure I want to either… Just taking it day by day. Haven’t heard from him for 4 days but I know he’s busy.

35

You can’t expect them to be direct, that’s what I learned. I was with my ex for 8 plus years and she would always say that she wished I could express my feelings more. Now after the break up she never gave me a direct reason for the break up. She is the one who can’t express her feelings with words. She can continue to cry about it for all I’m concerned like she does for no reason when we see each other. And all this no contact stuff they preach here is BS. If your ex wants you back then you will be back. It’s really as easy as that, not talking to them isn’t going to just miraculously change their mind. I will always be friendly with my ex because I really care about her, but I don’t reach out because of this so called NC rule. I do it because we aren’t together and their is no reason to always talk. She is the one who broke it off, but is the one who reaches out the most now. It’s really a waste of my time to give her the satisfaction of my feelings or be the one to help her out. I tried all that for the first month and realized it was dumb to be there for someone who refused to want you enough to be there for you and want to work things out. I always treated her great and never raised my voice or fought with her. I took her to nice places and enjoyed the things she did like plays and shows. We were good at being reciprocal with both our likes and doing stuff like that together. I no longer give her the satisfaction of expressing my feelings to her and I will never ask for her back. That is all up to her. you have to give up on someone who gave up on you at some point. I am looking forward to going out tomorrow and won’t sit at home and give her the satisfaction of controlling my life and be sad.

36

What I am saying might come off as harsh. My situation is just different. There are many things that I’m bitter about and just frankly don’t understand. Why would she she still continue to cry when we hang out. Why would she show me a vase of dead flowers she can’t throw out a month after I sent them for her birthday. Why does she still ask to hang out and reach out to check in. I don’t do Facebook much but I posted a picture of me and a girl from a wedding I was in and she brings that up about I saw that picture you posted. I still am close with her brother and he always tells me she asks if he heard from me. At the same time though she refuses to talk about the main reason we aren’t together but her actions are confusing. I won’t talk about it to her anymore and havnt since July, it’s just worth asking the questions anymore because it messes with me. Like I said if she reaches out I am friendly and if she wants to hang out I go because I still care. It’s weird and I don’t understand any of it.

I hope you all have a great New Years. Don’t let them ruin it for you.

37

@mike2014 I get how you feel resentful and bitter. It’s very difficult when you feel like you haven’t done anything wrong and you’re being messed around with emotionally. My ex was doing this too and I had to tell him to stop. Some days I miss the mixed signals because it all seems hopeless without. Other days I’m glad he’s doing the best he can to not give me false hope.

I’m going out for New Years too:)

38

He’s angry because, I kept in contact with an ex, he saw a flirtatious message which I responded to on my phone. He went nuts and he pulled out of the house we were just about to sign the contract for.

He knows this ex keeps popping up now and then and he knows I found it difficult to tell the old ex to leave me alone.
This was combined with a few times we fell out and he told me it was over or I told him it was over I would ho on a date site. Reasoning of mine to do that was the pain I was in.
I take it I’m insecure in myself.

When this all blew up, he initially chased me for 6 weeks and I said no. Then over night I had a turn around and wanted him back but then he said no and it’s remained that way since 21st Nov!

I feel now he’s thinking he’s fed up with my ways and he’s worried I will get back with this ex of mine or meet someone off a date site.
However wrong it all was I remained 100% faithful to him.

I’m wondering if I’ve got abandonment issues.?

39

Hi guys happy New Year. Thought I would share the below. Let me know your thoughts please.

Just thought you might want to have a read.
These are the things Sarah and Nikki (friend) have said when catching up with each other when we broke up. The majority below is into the third week and when Sarah was staying at Nancy’s over the road just before Nancy and Russell’s wedding in Adelaide.

  • Nikki to Sarah - there are two things to her that are the most important things. Can you see yourself truly having kids with him, can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him? I don’t want to know these answers but you need to tell yourself this.

They also were having a similar conversation about April/May when we both were looking at changing the health cover to family cover. Sarah must of been observing my behaviour with Tate to work out if I will be a good father for her kids. I remember talking to Sarah about this but not sure of the time.
Sarah - but I watch Leigh and Tate and Leigh always makes him cry because he is to rough with him when they play.
Nikki - yeah but Leigh is just learning and doesn’t know when to stop and doesn’t know how to behave around Tate properly. This is ok Nikki said and he doesn’t do it deliberately. He just hasn’t been taught how to play with him.
Nikki - will Leigh be a good father, will he be a good provider and roll model, will he be good support for your kids? These are the questions she asked herself regarding Carl.

Nikki has also noticed that Sarah is conscious with the way she looks especially when she goes out I.e changed about 5 times before they went out to Nancy’s hens. Sarah must of been at Nancy’s before they left, and went home a few times after deciding she didn’t like what she was wearing. I didn’t know about this but the girls were waiting for her in a cab to go to Miami Marketa and the girls were getting frustrated. Nikki didn’t know why she was taking so long? Nikki also said it was this tight skimpy orange outfit and she said to herself, Sarah your not 18 why are you dressing up like this your 31, it’s now time you grow up.

Nikki noticed Sarah and I when we nit pick or have an argument we didn’t know how to talk it out we just fought playing tennis against each other. We weren’t educated on how to talk it out so totally fixable.

Nikki noticed Sarah would boss me around, get this, get that Leigh, Nikki said she didn’t like the way Sarah would speak to me sometimes in front of everyone.

Nikki said she noticed we did a lot of things separately and not together. She was right but it was healthy to do this however the main reason we (for example) didn’t go in the Jetski together was because of her irritable bow. We couldn’t go to a lot of places because of it and Sarah would be very embarrassed but I would support her with this as it didn’t change anything in regards to the way I felt towards her and that was ok. Her health issues changed nothing and didn’t effect my position.

Nikki had no idea Sarah had a history which I told her in confidence and she said that explains a few things in her mind, her skimpy outfits, her drinking, insecurities and anxiety etc.

Carl said last night he had a friend that needed someone to move in to his apartment as they bought a place. Sarah asked can she move in for like 4 months or so instead of signing a 6-12 month contract? Carl said why don’t you want to sign like a 6 month or 12 month like the rest? He was saying she doesn’t even know what she wants at the moment, he said she is all over the place and has no stability in her life which I know I gave her.

Nikki asked what we were like at home, what would be our daily routine, I told her and she said she noticed Sarah has been coming home late this year based off the txt messaging they send each other, I.e, (her new business) where when she was working at Kims this was never the case I.e more time for us and less stress with Sarah.

I haven’t heard from Sarah since the day she picked up her scooter so no txt for NY’s, nothing on Christmas Day.

I told Nikki about the New Zealand trip and the night where we went out, the way I acted about my GoPro, the way Brendon controlled the whole trip which Sarah noticed during the trip.
Nikki asked what the hell happened over there. I said some of that was my fault, when we got home Sarah broke up with me for like 3 weeks, we then both worked really hard on each other and Sarah said OMG I have got my boy back this is who I met when we got together. We were really good for a couple of months and then my question about our sex life came up and then bang, she called it and it was all over.
At this time Sarah said "it’s what she has to do, she can’t see herself spending the rest of her life with me and can’t see herself having kids with me, she has to do this for herself and move on with her life.
A few people including Nikki today have said she must have been thinking about this for a long time.

Is this reversible?
Can this be rectified?
Is it fixable?
Can we get back to where we were when we both were really happy?
Will Sarah realise what she has walked away from?
Is there love still there for another chance?
What is Sarah thinking?
Is she coping?
Will she ever love me again?
Does she know what she wants?
Can we work on our stubborn traits when we have our differences?

Will Sarah recognise her underlying issues from her past with her Mum and Dad and go see Lorraine (Councillor) for some guidance and help?

40

@Belle

You know, I think it’s a really good sign that he’s angry with you. You’re only angry if you feel emotionally attached. Indifferent would be a lot worse!

I think you going straight to a dating site or texting your ex after arguments could have to do with a fear of abandonment like you said, or a fear of being alone. If that’s the case I believe you would benefit tremendously from learning to thrive in your aloneness (not loneliness)! Or perhaps a part of you wanted to make him jealous as to show that he still wants you. If that’s the case it could be abandonment issues, fears of being alone or low self esteem and low self worth.
All things that would be great to heal now:) Learning to enjoy your own company is priceless.

I have also had that turn around feeling before. Often if we make decisions from a place of intense negative emotion, we regret them later.

How are you doing now?