Hey guys. I have posted on here before but not in a while. About two months ago my long-distance girlfriend of about two years broke up with me. The break up was very toxic at first and we both have a pretty calmly and civicly. We tried staying in contact loosely as friends but it turned out to be kind of weird and it felt really forced from both ends. We didn’t really know what to do so we just kind of kept going like that.
Today, we got into a bit of a fight over how things ended. I don’t think it was so much of a fight as it was our passions coming out all the ones. Before this we hadn’t really talked deeply about what happened.
Ultimately I decided that I need to go back into no contact so I told her that I think it would be best for us both just focus on ourselves a little bit longer. Mind you, tendons were already running very high this conversation so it came out a little bit more like “I really don’t think we need to be talking right now.”
She was clearly riled up but was trying to hide it. Throughout this argument she said that she found somebody new and was very happy. My first instinct was to think that this is a rebound. To be honest it probably is because I found out that she got into this relationship only about a month after she broke up with me. We were together for over two years, were HS sweethearts, eachother’s “firsts.” I thought there was no way that she had fully gotten over me and move on to someone else in a single month.
I know I shouldn’t have but I did anyways I went to try and view her Instagram. After the break up, I unfollowed her. Send her profile is private I have not been able to see any of the photo she has posted for the past two months. Oddly, as soon as our conversation ended she made her profile public. And the last picture posted was her at a football game with this new boyfriend. This only further back so my theory that this is a rebound relationship because not only is it so soon after the breakUp, but she also clearly wants me to see that she’s with this new person.
Looks like a rebound but if you’re still long distance then things could get more distant in terms of emotions. If you guys were really into each other, physically intimate too then it’ll just take a small trigger to make her realize about the rebound.
I was in a similar posn (long distance, had a fight, gf found a rebound) and i had to leave everything to be with her and get her back to normalcy. Are you still in touch? How are the conversations?
This being said, bringing her back to normalcy will require a LOT of effort so think hard if you can pull this off (wont suggest you drop everything but your choice)
Yes we are still long distance. We’re in college and go to schools in different states. I applied to her school as a transfer to try and close the gap but she broke things off before I even found out.
What kind of things do you think I need to do? Unfortunately we just had a big passionate argument that culminated in a decision to not talk to eachother again for an indefinite amount of time. If she does still have feelings for me, would just committing to NC and letting her miss me make her realize that this nee guy is just a place holder and she’s trying to fill a hole in her heart
NC is definitely a good direction but at the same time the important question that comes forth is the real reason for this split up. If she was upset about something you did/ said/ planned then may be you should also use the NC period to collect your thoughts on it.
If you have read even a few posts, most of the people suggest using this time in improving yourself and it is a really good piece of advice!
I dont know how good or bad the new guy is so it is difficult to say how much of an impact he’ll have. But if you two had deeper connection then your NC period should serve you good in making her miss you. Give it a good amount of thought to improving yourself as well since long distances take a lot out of you.
On a personal note, if you guys were HS sweethearts (same situation as mine) make sure to remember that EVERYDAY when you get back with her and make her feel like your sweetheart. Fights are common but I have learnt this one difference in fights between couples:
Man should let the woman win a fight and accept what she says during the fight. Dont give back cos that is our ego talking at that point while it is her heart talking the same time. Let her pour it.
Man should explain the woman politely about how the fight could have been avoided ONLY after she has cooled down. Give her gifts as small as a flower also to cool down.
It is easier said than done but trust me it goes a long way in making the relation stronger everyday. I learnt it the hard way. Hope you dont have to when you get a chance to rectify!
Also, like most people say over here, DO NOT mull over the past or the reason for break up, or what all things you guys did during the break up… try to start fresh…be supportive
LDR’s need a 200% more optimism and homework than in person relation.
I think the main reason for the breakup was that we were going through this rough patch at the end of the summer. We were both feeling really distant and maybe like the connection wasn’t there anymore.
I realized that it was just one of those tests cause by distance. I was like “of course I love this girl!” So i decided to put those feelings aside and try to meet her halfway. She gave in to those feelings and quit.
I definitely already have made positive changes during this time and the initial NC period after the breakup. I’ll continue to do so.
Even she has to realize that long distance is a lot of work. Am not going to ask too many details about what made you guys feel distant while still in a relation (unless you want to tell) but there will be times in any relation where you might feel the connection isnt there anymore. It goes without saying this kind of feeling is short lived if the feelings are true, if efforts are being made and other person is noticing them (assuming there is no cheating involved).
You’re right, distance is tested way more than one can imagine. Always try to take the positives out of all this. If you can, & if it seems rational, then incorporate the changes your ex was referring to. You are young and a very high chance of getting her back if you take the right steps and be very patient. Those positives will help you in ways you can never imagine! Will she notice them? Unless she goes to a different continent, changes all mutual friends, deletes you from memory, she’ll notice some how!! Till then keep making those changes and after the NC (30-60 days) may be do LC to spark some curiosity, use social media in between to good effect (not to make jealous but to show your improvements which can be validated when others also comment on it). Am assuming she will notice social media either directly through your feeds or mutual friends’. Be encouraging, positive, independent (as much as possible), emotionally stable when you connect with her.
There wasn’t really anything that caused the feelings. I think it was (like you said) just one of those times a relationship has a down time. They were on their way out but she just thought it meant it was over and she quit.
Also what do you mean “LC to spark some curiosity”? What’s LC?
I’m probably going to do NC indefinitely and wait for her to reach out. Only then will I be sure to give her all the time needed to miss me and realize she messed up by ending things.
“LC to spark some curiosity” meant that have low/ minimum contact after the NC. In a long distance communication is the key. Total NC for few days is appreciated but indefinitely? Am not sure I’d go with that unless you’re ready for the worst outcome.
If you’ve improved yourself emotionally, mentally stable, physically fitter, well read, well groomed during the NC period then I see no reason for you to initiate a LC. Am talking about only initiating not continuing. Kevin has mentioned in his articles how LC should be implemented too. If she responds to that, you start afresh, without holding anything from the past which can lead to another fight. If she doesnt respond to the first LC from you, go NC again for 2 weeks. You’ll be the best judge at that time whether to go for indefinite NC after that or not.
Am just using plain math. If you have improved yourself to a level where you can be happy without her (am not asking you to forget her. I appreciate being loved by the person you love and never advocate to not try) then you lose nothing in initiating LC. An independent, confident man is VERY attractive to a girl. Even more if you have shared history!
But if you feel NC indefinitely is going to be more helpful then go ahead with that may be!
I would suggest take one day at a time. Focus ONLY on improving yourself for few weeks right now. Get into the habit of evolving yourself whether you are or not in a relation. Again, simple math, improve your chances of becoming irresistible!
I guess my reasoning for NC indefinitely was because LC so far has been pretty ineffective. I guess my thoughts were that cutting her off from my attention completely would help bring about a realization in her faster. Idk. Maybe it’s not a good idea. I’ll probably go NC for a little while and play things by ear.
Right now LC might not help cos they are hurt/ angry and the first thing they will remember is the most recent and most impressionable interaction you guys had. Which was the fight and other negatives associated with it. Going NC will give her time to heal, see past the last interaction and recollect the better times.
You pointed one thing right though, she also needs to realize what you guys had during this NC. One can only hope she is able to get the time and place for this realization to come sooner! From your end you’re giving that partial environment for her to realize by going NC!
Im not a fan of LC, mainly because after the relationship ends the dumper inevitably has all the power.
All LC does is remind them you miss them, whilst you do that they can move on however they see fit, complete in the knowledge you still care and would take them back if they wanted too. If it’s that easy for them it can be a barrier.
It also just so happens that around this time last year, I went down to visit her for the week. She posted a lot of pics of us on Facebook and has not deleted them. So starting next week, that Facebook feature that shows you posts you made on that date in past years will be helping me a bit when it comes to jogging her memory and making her start missing me. Our two year anniversary would have been December 16 so there’s a few “Happy anniversary” posts and photo collages that we each posted that will be popping up in that same feature.
Exactly my thoughts! The few weeks after the first month of NC where we did LC was really shitty. I felt like she was pitying me and that the whole thing felt forced. I also felt like it wasn’t fair to me. You don’t get to toss me out and then ask me to stay in yor life.
I fear if I do LC, that having me hanging on plus her new relationship (even though it is cleary a rebound) will help her breeze right through the “moving on” process.
Even after the fight last night when I told her I need to not be in her life for right now, I could tel it upset her.
I’m hoping my complete removal of myself from her life for a time will make it more likely that she realizes her new relationship is a rebound, that she actually does still miss me, and maybe even that the decision she made was in haste and that she should’ve stayed and worked through things
From my experience, and I’ve had a lot of relationships, whenever I’ve dumped someone I’ve moved on straight away.
I have always missed my ex after dumping them, but this always comes 1-2 months later when I realise they are moving on and I let them go.
I have always been the one to re contact. 1 or 2 have come back, 1 never ever contacted me again and blocked me from everything but we had a really really bad break up.
Currently after being dumped I’m on 2 weeks NC. I have no doubt she won’t contact, it wasn’t a bad break up as such, but I know her well enough to know she is as stubborn as they come and won’t want to show any weakness at all.
If I was to LC her I know she would reply, but I have nothing to say that hasn’t already been said. As for making small talk, there’s no point after 2 weeks as I believe any person will see that as an attempt to get back and put the guard up again. All that would happen is id say hi, she would respond and after 2 or 3 texts she wouldn’t respond and I’d be back to square 1.
That’s how I view it, NC until a point comes whereby you send something and it’s a surprise, that’s when it’s most effective.
I actually think you are in a good position. Not only is she clearly on a rebound but I think the fact she is so obvious about it all makes it easier for you to do what you have too.
I view NC like this.
The dumpee is left with a hole. They know what they want to fill the hole with but can’t as it’s not available to them. Instead they fill the hole with whatever they can whilst hoping that what they want becomes available again.
The dumper has a hole too and don’t want to have what it already used so tries other things because it wants too, not because it has too.
In other words I think anyone in NC has to be prepared that their ex is more than likely going to go on a date with someone else, or at the very least flirt with someone, as they need to replace that void, even if they created it themselves.
However it’s not until they have tried something else do they know whether they really missed you.
Yours is doing that now, it’s now down to whether or not she wants to go back. There is little you can do to change that apart from better yourself and make her realise what she is missing and isn’t readily available to her anymore.
I definitely agree with everything you’re saying so it’s reassuring to hear someone else back up my thoughts. I’ve said everything I could have possibly said to her about what went wrong, what I could’ve done, what she could have done, that I think she is mistaking a rough patch for “a sign that it isn’t meant to be,” and all that. I’m glad I finally got to say everything in our fight yesterday because the fact that I hadn’t said things I wanted to was eating away at me and tempting me to contact her.
After one month of NC, I did try to contact her but it was like you said. Very short, superficial, and sometimes she just wouldn’t reply. She made clear that we can’t talk every day like we did in the relationship (and I knew that) but that we could still say hi every couple of weeks. That’s when it hit me that this LC was bullcrap. I know I can’t interact with her like I did before but she’s so clearly just tossing me in the corner and trying to keep me around just enough to make her feel like she still has me in her control.
I definitely think this new relationship is a rebound (if you think otherwise, please let me know and why…don’t want to make miscalculations). But I mean going from a very deep, emotionally connected 2 year relationship to actually seeing someone else regularly (not just went on one date) is ridiculous. It hurts like hell but I know I can’t do anything about it. We aren’t dating anymore and she can do what she pleases. But it does do me some good to know that she is having such a hard time that she is turning to someone else to try to fill the void. Of course, that never works and hopefully this rebound will actually be the turning point where she realizes that she misses me.
I do hope that the high tensions of our fight will have really pushed home my sentiments that she miscalculated and took a month long rough patch as a sign that things weren’t working out and she should end it. For reference, this is her first relationship…like very first EVER (I’ve been in 2-3 before this, so I definitely have more experience and insight into what is going on). She doesn’t have anything to go off of. She has no way of knowing between a rough patch that needs to be worked through and a complete falling apart of a relationship. So I don’t blame her but I hope that once everything hits her (me completely pulling out of her life, her realization that she’s filling the void with the rebound, her mulling over my thoughts on her decision), she will at least reach out to me to discuss things and I can work from there to patch things up.
I’ve read through your original post again in some detail. The way I see it, it’s one of 2 things.
Either she took the argument etc as a release and saw it as an opportunity to finally go public about her relationship.
Or
She did it to provoke a reaction as she thinks you have now gone and she no longer has a hold on you.
It’s more than likely the second option, as it’s too much of a coincidence she went public at that exact point. She wants to show you she doesn’t care when reality, she is having trouble letting go.
If I’m completely honest, it will take a long time before you ever reconcile in any way. You have to stick to NC, for as long as possible and only message on special occasions and gauge it from there as to where it’s going. Don’t mention you know about the boyfriend. I would bet she will sooner or later contact you, when she does don’t ignore her but keep it blunt so not to react. Let her lead and see where it goes.
Whilst this might be a rebound, she is obviously trying to move on but is having trouble letting you go.
Of the two I definitely think it is the second. This was right about the point of the convo where I was saying I feel like she quit on me and idk if I can be in her life right now.
I have fully accepted that this is going to take a long time to reconcile (if at all). I would love for her to realize she broke it off over a rough patch we needed to work through and for her to come back in hopes that we can start anew. But at this point, I just want her to be happy and for myself to be happy alone.
I’m definitely sticking with NC. I figured if she doesn’t contact me by Christmas, I might send her a short “Merry Christmas” text and see what happens. Bonus points if she has already broken it off with the rebound guy because that means she realized it was a superficial “filler” relationship.
I was with someone inexperienced although with a history of issues when it comes to relationships.
She saw every disagreement as an argument whereas i saw it as getting to know each other. She even claimed we were toxic. She said a week before we ended that one more argument and she was gone. The problem is that with that ultimatum I felt like I couldn’t say anything ever, then after one bad day she said she was happy to discuss something I’d raised however when I did, it was game over.
I got angry, i apologised, I begged, I gave her space, did everything she asked but it didn’t work and she just threw obstacles in the way. Countless times she said ‘if I did such and such’ she would have got back with me. Truth was, she never had that intention she just wanted as little guilt as possible and to blame me for everything.
That’s often the issue with someone who isn’t experienced in relationships, it’s all about them as they don’t know how to handle the emotions. It’s also why they there is always the risk there when trying to get involved with them again.
