It certainly is similar. Oddly enough, in the 20 or so months of this relationship we almost never fought. Being her first relationship, she wasn’t really aware that the “honeymoon phase” comes to an end at some point. She had just never been in a relationship to experience that. I had to explain to her that that’s just how relationships are. It doesn’t mean that we’re growing apart or that the love isn’t there, it’s just a normalizing of things.
Other than that, we never really argued or anything too much. I guess that was probably bad because she never got “used” to having arguments but understanding that they didn’t mean the end of the relationship.
I tried talking her through this most recent thing by telling her that all relationships get strained…especially long distance ones. We were experiencing a loss of connection but it was something we needed to work through, not a sign to end things. She may have took my words to heart but she at least stayed true to her convictions and said that she didn’t think we could’ve worked through it. It just sucks that I /KNOW/ she made this decision because she thought it was the end of the relationship and didn’t know that it’s okay to have rough patches and the you need to work through them.
Hopefully everything I said last night to her and my full on NC will do something. Even if she is trying to move on, she must still be thinking about things and the “why” of it all. I know I sure have been…whenever I’m not studying or in class, it’s always in the back of my mind.
The problem is that it’s very hard to erase those doubts once in someone’s mind. Once someone starts having cold feet about it, getting them on track is hard.
Often it’s due to outside influences. Girls will talk to girls and if they are talking negatively about a relationship they will be encouraged to do something about it. That’s what’s sad and a downside to social media.
When my ex ended it on Fb I have no doubt she was messaged by various guys offering support (i work in this field, you would not believe how often it happens), so when someone has doubts or is in a position like that, there are alternative options that are easier than working on the relationship.
If it’s of any comfort, almost all my exes I’m friends with years on, one or two I see from time to time and meet up with.
Once all the anger, hurt and full on attachment is gone, it’s very easy to rebuild.
Right now any conversation you have will be backed up by you wanting to reconcile, she knows it and you know it, so there will be a barrier.
I can certainly agree with you there. I know that her roommate at her college and her talked about this quite a bit leading up to the break up. Unfortunately, all of her three roommates are also very inexperienced in relationships so they were probably simply backing up her instincts.
And that is something I am keeping in mind to calm myself down. Of course I want her in my life romantically because that’s how I feel about her, but when it comes down to it I know I would be happy just to have her in my life. I actually just recently got back in contact with my ex prior to this one and we very easily rebuilt our friendship
And as for her likely telling me about her new relationship in order to get a reaction out of me, I do think that is the case. But I don’t think she knows it. I think she legitimately thinks she has moved on and that she’s happier in this new relationship. I think it’s all happening at a subconscious level. But eventually, she most likely will realize that this is just a rebound relationship and that she’s doing it either to help fill the void or to get a reaction out of me… or both
Yep. I did a month of NC starting 2 days after the breakup. Then we started talking and were basically in LC but my mind just gets to me thinking about what I could say or do to jolt her back into reality. It’s hard
Sadly I don’t think there is anything. That’s what awful about NC.
We are basically waiting for someone to want us. That’s what crazy when you think about it.
Why waste so much hurt and emotion on someone who has effectively chosen to do their own thing and not be with us. Even if we think we know better then they do.
I’m literally sitting around waiting for 4th December to text her on her birthday hoping that in some way shape or form that will create some kind of rekindlement.
However this is why we are here, because we have some hope, without that it only makes the whole thing harder to deal with.
Yeah. If you saw my earlier post, I was saying how around Thanksgiving time last year I went down to Florida to visit her at her school for the week. So that feature on Facebook that shows posts that you posted on that date in the past will hopefully come in handy. Our anniversary was also a van December 16 so hopefully that date will cause her to think about our relationship and maybe kick in some emotions and make her miss me or something
NC for 30-60 days and then LC to a minimum level works only when we have been able to renew ourselves!
Do not forget that the reason NC is suggested so that you improve yourself on the irresistible chart ratings and thus improve your chances of either getting your ex back or moving on happily (the ball might actually be in your court if you manage to utilize the NC period correctly).
Try not to focus on what FB will present as the anniversary memory and all, just focus on improving yourself. Once that is noticed trust me people will find a way to reconnect with you. Although I never went back to any of my exes (except one whom I really love and we were childhood best friends) I think if any one of my exes would have been smart enough to not drown in the sorrow and improved themselves I’d have surely tried reconnecting with them. The first thing an ex will notice again is the physical aspect. Visual. Once you pass that, they will be interested in figuring how well you’re doing emotionally. Mental. After that they want to know how much changes have you incorporated which had led to the break up. Practical. Once you’re able to check these boxes, everything else falls into place without you having to work hard.
People move on cos they feel better that way. If they feel coming back is better then they would. So never assume it is the end. But focus on yourself. I do agree that some people are stubborn and they might need a little extra persuasion. But that is your decision if you want to deal with that for reconciliation and a future with them like this.
I know. I definitely made significant progress during the first NC period but I’m by no means “over her” and completely okay with the fact that we might not get back together. I guess that means I’m not done haha
You dont need to be “over her”. Just try to evaluate whether you can be happy without her too. If not then you still need to work on yourself. Once you reach this stage, then also if you still not “over her” it means you are ready to pursue her again with renewed enthusiasm and personality!
Yep i agree. Just hoping that while I’m working on myself, the facebook thing helps trigger her emotions.
Also @mrtdg, as some extra info to your point earlier how her going public about the new guy being either a coincidence or an attempt to get a response out of me, I can tell you a bit about the context in which it cane up.
It was as the conversation was picking up steam. Not quite an argument yet but a passionate conversation. I was telling her how she can’t just give up whenever things get rough. That she can go on and find her next “soulmate” but if she doesn’t learn that relationships are hard and require effort, nothing is ever going to last. I wasn’t really talking down to her here…just expressing my feelings and hopes for her. She seemed to take it as me talking down to het and this is where she came back with “I actually have found someone else. Thanks for the best wishes!” This was obviously meant to be taken in a sort of cocky tone.
Then, as I said, after the conversation she made her IG public…seemingly because she expected me to go there lookIng for who this guy was. (She was right too)
I think this only further backs up the suspicions that this is a textbook rebound, right?
It doesnt look as if you’re “okay” without her. It does sound like a rebound but she has to realize this. You trying to tell this will not have any effect. You having any emotional/ intense conversations with her will either drive her away from you or confuse her more.
Use the NC period to your benefit. Things will turn around.
Its okay if she crosses your mind every now and then during NC. It happens since this was not a passing fling but an emotionally invested relation. That doesnt mean you have to further sulk in this feeling.
If you really want to have a shot at the relation again, man up, improve yourself to the point where she will see what she is missing out on and make her moves on you again.
It is not right to say that for anything to happen between you two it has to start with her. It has to start with you improving yourself first. Why would she care to start anything with the same person whom she left? So obviously you have start improving if you really want to have a shot at it. If you feel that she misread you and you’re not exactly at fault and dont exactly need an “improvement” then NC will help both clear out your heads. At the same time use this period to improve your overall personality (join gym, play some sport, read up, go shop, have a new style, groom yourself more often etc). Trust me, the change will be noticed.
MOST IMPORTANT, try to be happy without being dependent on her or anyone emotionally. This is the best step in the direction to get her back. Then your confidence will speak for itself. Women want to see a confident man always.
Yeah i know. I guess when I said “she has to initiate it” I meant that she has to be the one to decide to come back. Nothing I explicitly do or so can convince her. I just have to work on myself now.