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Breakup Help no-contact-rule
101

Such wise words from my friends over the pond and over the North Sea!

As for my list of goals for NC period, well I’ve gone to my first crochet class last Monday and have kinda learnt to crochet a granny square so far. Lol. Early days but watch out! This is for my creative side.
I want to lose 7 lbs and exersise more, I’ve down loaded a new exersise app and seems to be getting me more active.
I’ve decorated my bedroom, bought a new bed (not sure that was a good thing), new headboard and it’s all I girly colours. It was my reaction for when the house we were buying fell through because my ex pulled out :frowning:
Now I look at my girly bedroom thinking, oh I miss my ex and how the bedroom used to look! Still, it’s a sign of moving on! :slight_smile:

I think we are all aware of if we reconcile to will be brand new relationships, it will not happen for many months and I guess by then we would have all been through much personal changes within ourselves (for the better). Ready to take on challenges whether it’s with our ex’s or someone new.

Aphrodite, I will be brave and not so fearful! As I said I’m off to see a therapist soon, she’s not qualified but in training and she needs cases to study, so we are both helping each other out. I know I have some issues to do with abandonment so maybe my fear stems from that.

Atea1234

It’s a bit long winded but the break up started early Sept.
Time line as follows.

3/4 sept ex sees text from ex on my phone,
Next few days, ex pulls out of house buying.
End of sept we do things seperatly, I’m cold towards him.
He helps with my son still, but at random times.
Before he goes back to work abroad he comes to my house in tears.
I reject him but Not sure what to do.
Oct he goes to work and emails regularly saying that I have to do xyz or he’s not coming back. I told him to poke it. We don’t talk for 2 weeks.
He arrives back 21 nov and takes my son out straight from school and drops him off at my house, it’s awkward, I want to invite him in but scared of rejection. He asks how I was, I responded but did t ask him in return and he stormed off in huff. I wasn’t rude to him!
He spent next 24 hrs texting me that I could have never cared… Blah blah blah.
Texts stop. The rest is history as they say and since then I’ve wanted him back!

I’m still in disbelief to be honest. Everyone used to tell me how much he loved me, the way he looked at me etc.

How about you ladies, when did it all kick off?

102

@atea1234

I agree, attraction to others will come with time:) It’s nothing we should focus on now. I don’t think your ex would worry about you moving on and therefore not contact you. You know him better of course, but he thought about his own interests enough to leave you so I don’t doubt he would think about his own interests in the same way when he wants you back.

Let’s face it… When a guy wants us it’s clear as day, isn’t it? They always reach out. I’ve got a guy chasing me from the other side of the world, and he was doing this even though I was with my ex and he knew I wasn’t interested. When they’re REALLY interested, they will let us know, they won’t worry whether or not them contacting us will upset us. In my opinion guys are very clear when they know what they want.
Therefore don’t worry that he will want you but is too worried you’ve moved on to make contact. Generally speaking I think our best chances are to seem as independent of them as possible, wait until we hear from them and respond in a way that makes them curious about us - or reach out if it has taken them too long. In the meantime try to live your live without fear, and instead be confident in your abilities to attract.

103

@belle, that is quite a lot of build up to the break up! It does sound like you have a good chance of reconciling because I think it sounds as if your relaionship really ended over more of an argument than a loss of attraction. I think Nc will do wonders for you both because some space and time to clear your heads to decide what you both really want will also help get rid of negative feelings from the drawn out break up. Also, it hasn’t been that long since you last saw him. Hang in there!! Working out and losing weight has helped me immensely in this process.
@aphrodite, I agree and I don’t think any of our exes would really want to lose contact with us right now. I think If I don’t contact him for a while, eventually he will because he doesn’t want to completely cut things off yet. At least I know I have my birthday to look forward to in 4 months if he doesn’t reach out sooner! I’ve never last more than the 30 days Nc so im curious how long it would take him to say anything. But I agree giving them space and being independent is the way to go for now!

104

I can’t go through it all, it’s a very painful story and tears me up. But he moved out at the end of July and left me on my billies in his country. He was acting completely unstable as to whether or not he wanted to stay together or break up which caused me tremendous hurt. Then he broke up early sept (I initiated the break up, said I wanted him to make up his mind as I couldn’t bare it anymore), and I had to leave the country. In November I went there to collect my items, and that’s when he left me without saying goodbye, and it may have been the last time we will ever see each other. No goodbye hug, no nothing. The night before we had been intimate even. He treated me like dirt, but has a way of wrapping in all his bad actions with meaningful and lovely words. I’m hurting a bit tonight, crying now.

105

Oh Aphrodite!

You guys have been together a long time. People go through rough patches in their lives, it’s normal to take it out on people close to you. We all do it.
It’s early days for you. If you initiated the final breakup only in Sept and you’ve been intimate since which proves he still has an attraction towards you. The fact that he just left without saying goodbye means he may have been confused by the whole thing and it’s not a sign of indifference.

As all of us know the way forward is finding ourselves again, gaining confidence and being attractive in many ways. Let’s focus on that, let’s not go back to the past because it’s done and dusted.

Atea1234
What goals do you want to achieve over this NC period? Well done for losing weight and getting fitter. Anything else you want to enrich your self with?

Thank you for your kind words over my break up. We shall see what happens! Why is life so hard!! The older you get is doesn’t seem to get any easier either! Lol

106

I like 2015 as self improvement year Aphrodite! :slight_smile:

107

Thank you for your response @Belle ! You’re right… It’s not indifference, but I was worried he may have left without saying goodbye in fear that it would be too awkward of that he just really wanted me out of his life asap. There we go, I’m letting myself get driven by fear again. I’m gonna reply to you with more but right now I’ve gotta try to get some sleep as I’m getting up early to go exercise and feeling emotional. Thank you though reading your response helped! x

108

My story is that he started acted weird end of August, mostly by putting his friends first, making less of an effort to spend time together, etc. I kept asking what was wrong and he told me he was just stressed from starting a new job and needed time to adjust and we would be fine. End of September he broke up with me for the reasons I’ve told you. I saw him two weeks later to get my stuff from his apartment. He was cold and seemed fine. I saw him another month after that when he got his stuff from me and he cried and told me he loved me. We kissed. Then I saw him about 6 weeks later when we got lunch and discussed our relationship and he said he loved and missed me and was sad but this was something necessary to go through and for right now he felt relieved going through this as it’s something he feels like is necessary for both of us. He told me he isn’t ready to be back in a relationship because he doesn’t think enough time has passed for us to have experienced other things and for right now he is happy just being “alone”. He also said this isn’t the end. We left with a 10 minute long hug, Both of us in tears, and he kissed my forehead and then we had a long kiss and walked away. Since then we only spoke once the weekend before New Years and once New Years day. I just wish I knew how long he thought this time off would be “necessary”.
As for 2015 goals, I like calling this the year of improvement! I have already been getting in shape! I am a graduate student so my main goal is to focus on schoolwork and get great grades next semester. I also want to really take up cooking and baking. I used to love cooking but I really stopped once my ex and I broke up. I want to get back into that and also pick up baking, something I have little experience with! I also want to be more adventurous and easygoing. I am young but often find myself enjoying staying on a strict schedule snd routine. I also don’t really like to take risks and am more of a homebody so I want to make more of an effort to go out to new places and have fun. I think my ex feared we were behaving too much like a married couple in a set routine so if he does come back he will be pleased to see a more easygoing, adventurous me!

109

@Belle

Crochet class sounds like a lot of fun! I would love to learn how to sow myself. Haha @ early days but watch out! We all gotta start somewhere:) Being creative is great!

Great that you’re becoming more active! And redecorating! I’m sure you will get used to your new bedroom. Having the old bed may have made you more upset. I really hope the therapist goes well! I’m seeing mine next week, and I count the days haha!

Yesterday and today I’ve been feeling really angry and upset again. It’s exhausting having this continual hurt and every day with no contact from him is a reminder of his rejection.
I feel like I’m beginning to struggle with feeling depressed again.
Something’s gotta give.

@atea1234 baking sounds like a lot of fun! I would be doing that too if it wasn’t for this diet I’ve got to follow!:slight_smile:

Hope you two are doing better today

110

i have been going to therapy as well! it has helped tremendously.
today and yesterday i am just feeling frustrated. we both love each other and had such a great relationship so I’m starting to just be frustrated and angry at him wanting this time off. he also left it telling me if we got back together “with time” well be stronger. I’m just feeling antsy. if we are going to reconcile, why do we need to wait and go through all this heartache? and if he doesnt want to i wish i could just know theres no possibility of it
i truthfully don’t know what he wants or what he’s waiting for or what will make him “ready” but as of now i think i just won’t contact him and wait to see if he ever does

111

@atea1234 I’m in almost the exact same boat. He wants space, I want our relationship back. Something bad happened today where one of my old friends tried to convince my ex that he should go back to me even though I never asked him to do so, and my ex thought I was impersonating this friend of mine and it was me trying to get him back! So now I’m in trouble for something I didn’t do. And had to break NC to explain the situation. Hopefully he believes me. But what struck me was the first text he sent me: " ‘friend’s name in quotes’ just made sure that we’re not getting back together" and it leads me to think that he’s been thinking about getting back together. This is such a hard time and it causes more drama than necessary. I’ve been seeing a Therapist as well and it’s been helpful. But I’ll go hours at a time where I’m fine, then another hour later I’m frustrated and sad. I just wish he’d be more up front about why he wants time. I feel like I have to just sit here and wait it out. But then if he decides no at the end it’s gonna hurt all over again. No matter how much work I do during NC.

112

Aphrodite,

What made you initiate the breakup at the beginning?

Atea1234
I know you’re feeling frustrated about your guy wanting this time. But not all is lost and as you know this time for yourself is really important. You even said that you both were getting too comfortable and acting older than your years. So here is your chance to start living life and showing him how exciting you can be. It’s a really good thing.

113

@atea1234 it’s totally understandable that you’re beginning to feel frustrated and angry at him.
Like he said he wants to explore more before committing to you for the rest of his life. I think you should do everything you can to move on. As I’ve said before, I think only then will he chase you again. You’re doing what you can to move on now, so unfortunately all you can do is carry on and go through these emotions. I know it’s really hard, but chasing him isn’t gonna do anything so you don’t have a choice in the matter:(

Right now you’re his fallback girl, and that’s not what you are. Put you on the pedestal, live your life! Again I think he will be “ready” when he knows you’re moving on for real… When he senses that he may actually loose you. Right now he thinks he can have you anytime he wants.

114

@Belle

He was messing me around emotionally and it got to a point where I couldn’t handle it anymore. I told him I needed a decision on whether or not he wanted to be with me (he had been acting completely “bipolar” about it). I was hoping he would say he wanted to stay together, but his reply to that was to break up. Then he told me he wasn’t in love. There is soooo much more to it. He really was such an arse to me before, during and after this break up, and in so many ways. He treated me like I was a nuisance he just wanted to get rid of, spoke disrespectfully, was extremely selfish. Treated me as if he has 0 respect for me or our 10 year relationship. Rationally I don’t see how I could EVER forgive him or recover from it, but my gut feeling is still strong. A lot of conflicting feelings going on for me.

Exercise was fun by the way! The personal trainer was cute:) It lifted my spirits a bit. Also I read my horoscope for January that said I should not doubt my feelings or my confidence, that everything will go in my favour and that a big surprise will happen at the end of January. Here’s to hoping there’s something to it!
How are you?

115

Yes I agree there is absolutely nothing I can do right now but Nc and work on myself. I will not chase him. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction and I also don’t want to be with someone who has any doubts about me. The only way we can ever reconcile successfully is if he decides on his own he is ready and knows he wants to be with me and I still feel the same way. I just feel so frustrated because when we do see each other it always feels so “natural” in his words and we both really love each other and have a hard time saying goodbye. I do understand the need to take some time and explore before committing but it is so frustrating because I just feel when you love someone you should want
To be with them. It has also already been 3.5 months. I just constantly wonder how long he’ll really want to be away from me to make this time off “meaningful” and so he’s sure. There’s times I find myself just missing him so badly and I wonder if he feels the same. I will go Nc and not contact him at all until he contacts me. In our last conversation I told him im here if he wants to talk and am living my life one day at a time and letting things happen naturally without making a decision to move on or wait around and just let myself go through these emotions. I am just beginning to get a bit frustrated, if he really is the one for me would he really need this time??
This day is a difficult one for me, I hope both of your days are going better!!
@aphrodite I love reading my horoscope and getting readings like that! I hope it means somethkng about reconciling!

116

Aphrodite,
What a shame it ended how it did. It sounds like there was a huge lack of communication from his side. Why can they just tell it how it is! He obviously had mixed feelings and didn’t know how to handle it hence why he acted the way he did. There was no need for it. I do have experience of something similar, he’s an ex that came back, came back when it was too late as I had moved on but the behaviour was the same. He put me through the wringer with his emotions. He too was horrible to me emotionally and I regret to this day letting it go on as long as I did.
You’re ex needs much time for himself to reflect. In time I’m sure he will be ashamed of how he treated you!

Glad your day is going well, exersise is great and even better if you have a cute trainer with you!
Interesting about you’re horoscope, can’t wait to find out what’s in store for you!
I did consider getting my tarot cards read, I’m still thinking about it. It doesn’t change anything though and it won’t take away what an idiot my ex is nor how I feel!
I’m feeling ok today myself. Had a good walk with the dog but got soaked! Still, I’m glad today is a good day for me, if I heard off him I would more than likely ignore him. He won’t get in touch anyway, his head is up is ass to know what’s going on around him!

117

Atea1234

Try not let it be a bad day for you.
It’s his lose and he is taking a huge risk by taking this time out. You’re in a good position because he communicates with you and explained what he wanted to do. He obviously has huge respect for you and that’s great!
Keep what you’re doing and not contacting him. You’re doing really well and come across as in a good position.
You’ve got a realistic time scale plan. Concentrate on things for yourself and focus on emotionally standing on you’re own two feet. You’ve known him so long and you’re used to him being there so what you need to do is take this time to learn to be emotionally independent. There will be at times in your life you will need to use these skills and it’s important to know that there is always a light in the tunnel.
It’s great he will talk to you like a human unlike my ex and Aphrodite’s ex!

118

@belle, glad to hear you’re having a good day! Mine is not so much… I’ve been fighting so much temptation to not text him and ask what he’s thinking about everything. I agree I think it’s too soon for your ex to contact as he is still processing what happened! I think women tend to deal with the emotions from the beginning while men kind of distract themselves and go through what were feeling now later on

119

And I agree im in a good position! Overall I have been feeling better and moving forward and am starting to feel much more independent and regardless of how I feel it’s really him who needs to come to me and be ready. It’s nice he communicates with me openly but the teuth is I really shouldn’t ask what he thinks about the situation anymore. I know how he feels and I know he’ll reach out and let me know if he feels differently. He just needs to see
I’m happy and moving on and Nc is the only way about that. I just wonder what will make him one day be “ready” or if he isn’t how I will get any type of closure to this situation. It’s really awful to feel like my whole life is in limbo! Even if I have a time frame set for the next 4-5 months it seems very far away…I also really lately wonder about his relationships now. He told me he wanted to be with other field consistently as its the only way he would know and if we ever did fet back together I really don’t know how I would move beyond that. My head is such a mix of emotions today, I wish I could just shut it off!

120

Atea1234

You’re doing really well. It’s a roller coaster ride of emotions and hour to hour it can be something different. We need to distract ourselves to do anything but contact them. I randomly think I need to text him, just out the blue and then it takes me ages to get over the feeling!
It’s day 6 of NC, so close to a whole week. We then have to turn that into 2 weeks!
By contacting will do absolutely nothing for us, it will just confirm to them gthat we still think of them and that’s NOT the objective!
As well as periods of time I want to make contact equally I think hey! I’m not thinking of him and life is good! It doesn’t last too long but it’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
I think the time they will reach out is when we least expect it. They will not contact us at the moment, it will be when we are happy and busy doing something and probably won’t read their email or text straight away!

We are still dealing with the situation and far off from closure. I wouldn’t think that far down the line becAuse we need to give them time to process. Once reasonable time has gone by we can cross that bridge when we come to it.

I must say, my crocheting requires massive concentration that it doesn’t allow me to think of him or situation. It’s a fantastic way of shutting off! I’m so glad I started it! Very therapeutic!