My wife told me she wanted to separate early October and a few weeks later I moved out. For several months I was very angry and cold towards her. Early march I hit rock bottom and I came back in tears. She let me move back in. A few days after that we had a good talk and I got the whole story of why she wanted to separate. She said that I did not listen well and that she do not feel emotionally supported by me. She had suffered from depression for years and her ups and downs took its toll on me too. I ended up on medication and attempted suicide twice. She sought emotional support from another man but she says that she does not have any feelings for him.
I moved back with my parents a few days after that. I would go back each Tuesday because she would work nights and every second weekend I had the kids either at the house or at my parents. During that time she told me she had talked to her friends about how torn and confused she was with regards to my changed attitude, how a small part of her regretted the separation and how it was still her dream to be married. Also during this time I tried to be more upbeat and I helped a lot around the house, which she appreciated, and I tried using her touch love language but that didn’t work. She then sent a message saying that she does not want me to touch her in any way, that she does not want to give me false hope and that she knows for sure that she does not want to be in an intimate relationship with me.
So a few days after that I sent her a message saying that I was in a lot of pain and that I needed distance. She replied saying that she understood. So I did not go there Tuesday nights any more and, if I went there to spend time with the kids she would spend as much time out as possible. Two weekends ago she stayed at a friends place. Last weekend she had a lot of work so she was out a lot but I was really emotional that weekend. We had to meet for our sons birthday party and she could notice a change in me. That Sunday I broke down in church and took the kids home. She was not at church but was there when I dropped the kids off but I was still emotional. All I could do was pack my stuff and leave but she would not let me leave until I told her what was wrong so I was forced to tell her that I still loved her.
A few days later I sent her a nice letter (you can see it in another post). When she got it she texted me saying “Hi I got yr letter. I think if we see if we can be friends while you are doing your study, and then see how things are, as we need to be able to be good friends first. Thanks for yr letter.”
So here we are. She kept the letter and got me a present for my birthday. I texted her saying thanks for the present and that she didn’t have to get me anything. She hasn’t replied though.
Your story is truly heartbreaking, but you should not lose hope.
You survived all of those nasty things and you are still strong and going forward - many wish to be as determined as you.
You have worked on yourself and you should be proud of yourself.
Maybe it will sound brutally pragmatic, but remember that both of you have many good reasons to reunite that others would probably wish to have - you both have children together, you’re married and you showed us in other posts that many of those smaller, positive signals appeared between you two. I also think that if that nasty episode of you both having depression in very similar time hadn’t happened, things would have been different, so it was a bit circumstancial.
Do not get discouraged - you are doing very well. Maybe she hasn’t replied because she has been busy lately?
Or maybe she didn’t know exactly how to reply to plain “thank you for the present”? Give her 2-3 days and try to have a friendly conversation with her.
Thank you for your kind words. The hardest thing is being patient as I want her back now.
The afternoon that she got the letter we had two phone conversations which is more than we had in a long time. The first one was to talk about our eldest daughter coming to visit for a day. Then a few hours later she called again to vent about our son being naughty. It’s the first time in weeks that she has done that.
I don’t want to read to much into it but I can’t help but take this as a positive sign.
My father once told me to accept gifts graciously and never add anything else like:“…you didn’t need to get me anything”. That comment makes the giver of the gift feel awkward. That I should show gratitude for the gift by saying a joyful thank you and maybe add why you like the gift so much…
Yes, she’s showing you some positive signs that she might be willing to consider reconciliation!
When she called to vent about your son being naughty, I hope you replied with supportive comments and some advice… That’s why she called you about the situation.
And if you ever start thinking about suicide again for any reason, seek professional help immediately!!
It is painful waiting to see if she calls or texts. She said we have to be good friends first well I hope she realizes that it takes effort on her part too.
Try not to rush things. Unfortunately this is a LONG process. It really sucks, but if you are patient, good things will come your way.
What are you doing in your spare time? Are you keeping yourself distracted so that you don’t constantly think about your ex?
Sometimes we have to initiate the contact but only do that if you have a valid reason. Also when you do see each other. Be positive, don’t come off as desperate, sad or impatient. Just be her close friend, joke around with her etc.
May I also ask, how long was your relationship and how old are you?
I know how painful it can be to wait for a text or call that never comes. Especially if it’s from someone that you used to be so close with once before. Honestly I really do share your pain
I hope the support on this forum helps you as mush as it helps me. It is good to know that other people are going through the same experiences.
I try and go to the gym most days and try to distract myself by watching Netflix etc but it doesn’t always work.
I think I will have to initiate contact sometime this week. I think I will send a good memory text.
I turned 34 today. We had been married for over 10 years.
Yes it has been helpful being on these forums and all the help I have been receiving. I think I keep up too much on here lol and need to take a step back. Like you said it is good to know that there are others who share the pain.
It is her birthday on the 29th. I am planning on sending her a box of her favourite chocolates. They are handmade and we first found them on our second honeymoon. On one of our family holidays we went to see the factory where they are made.
Did she message you at all today about your birthday?
I think the good memory text may be a good option, just be careful that she doesn’t take it in the wrong way.
Wow you were together 10 years, I hope you two can reconcile your relationship, it might just take a bit of time.
Im not sure if you should get her the chocolates yet. I think you should only do that if you two and on positive talking terms and able to be friendly. She might think it’s too much, maybe get her something else. Im not sure tho.
Hahah in regards to being on here to much, I think it’s helpful for us to try and help other people. I might be on her to much too haha.
No she hasn’t messaged. Half the time I forget it myself lol.
I hope so too. I’m staring to formulate a long term plan. I just hope she responds positively to it. We have many good memories that she will remember too.
I was going to send her flowers but I thought that would be too much so I decided on chocolates. I think she will appreciate it and, hopefully, trigger some good memories.
Yeah it is a good thing to help others on here. They come here for help and I notice that there are only a few of us actively helping others.
You wrote:“She said we have to be good friends first well I hope she realizes that it takes effort on her part too.”
She has made efforts to be friendly! She responded nicely to your letter, she got you a birthday gift, and she initiated 2 phone calls. Be grateful and don’t be impatient! Maybe it seems to you that she’s moving slowly, but she is trying…
So I think it’s a good idea to contact her next week, but a memory text might be too assertive in view of the fact that it was only a few days ago that you sent “the letter”…
I think sending the chocolates for her birthday is a great idea.
Well she initiated contact again to wish me a happy birthday via text. The conversation went on for a little bit longer after that but not much. I didn’t respond immediately to her texts and waited a bit so I didn’t seem desperate.
Happy belated Birthday:) Yes, you could text or call and talk with her on the phone tomorrow or the day after. The reason I mention calling is because conversation seems to flow better than when texting. You could start by asking how she is and how the “naughty boy” is doing. Then take it from there by listening to what she has to say and respond accordingly (as a friend would). I’m assuming next weekend is your time to spend with the kids, so you could also talk about your plans for those days.
The conversation doesn’t need to be lengthy… And if there’s an opportunity to give her a compliment for something, don’t hesitate to do it. The main thing about initiating this contact is that it shows you are trying to improve communication.
I texted her asking how her week has been going and she wanted to call me. She said that she has been meaning to call me for the past couple of days because I am having the kids this weekend.
We talked for a bit, she told me what has been happening with her work and I told her the things going on in my life. It lasted 11 minutes which is the longest conversation that we have had in a while.
She could have texted me to confirm time and place of pickup but she wanted to call so that’s a positive step.
Well we just met so I could pick up the kids. I tried to be friendly and tell her whats bwen happening. I asked her about her week and she asked about things going on in my life.
While it was friendly it felt forced. It was like back when we first met. I suppose it was because she was tired and she wanted to get back so she could rest and have dinner. Having the kids around is also a distraction but it is disheartening.
Don’t be discouraged or disheartened! Think of all that’s been accomplished within the last week… she replied to your letter in a positive way, she’s called you, got you a birthday gift, and you’ve had a couple of nice conversations.
Prior to that, for 8 long months you’ve been living apart (except for those few days in March). You were cold and angry for a very long time and you admitted you’ve said and done many hurtful things over the years. Since the separation you ignored a few of her messages and phone calls. 3 1/2 weeks ago you said you won’t be cold towards her anymore, but you continued limited contact. 2 weeks ago you had a breakdown at church and she had to “beg” you for the reason why…
So you see, it’s only been about a week that you’ve opened up to her and been more friendly:) She still has the memory (and so do you) of times in the past that weren’t pleasant. But I don’t think either of you are holding on to resentments. She might be a little reluctant to believe things could be better in the future, but if you continue to be supportive and open, over time she will start to think of the possibility of reuniting. She wants to be happy and so do you! Be upbeat, laugh, tell jokes, whatever it takes to give her joy. Think positively and take things slowly. I have a good feeling this will all work out in the long run:)
PS: After teacher’s college, how long will you study to become a teacher?
