Hi guys,
I don’t usually turn to forums when I have to get something off my chest, but I think I’ve come to a point where I need people who understand my predicament, and this seems like the best place to turn. I’ll write out my story and I hope that some of you will read it, and maybe I’ll feel a bit more hopeful. It’s going to be very long - there’s a lot of detail so I apologise in advance but I don’t want to leave anything out.
I’ll start my story with a preface. I’m an 18 year old male, from Ireland. My ex is a 19 year old girl from England. We met in the summer of 2011 on a holiday and got together in April 2012. We were in a long distance relationship from then until May 2014.
Basically, we’ve always clicked. From our very first conversation we just gel extremely well, no effort is required on either of our parts to converse : we’ve always seemed to just flow naturally. We met in July 2011, when I was 15 and she 16. We had some romantic suggestions on the original holiday but didn’t really act on them; we went 9 months talking a lot, being friends until she came to visit the following Easter. It was immediately obvious to both of us that we had a special bond and although neither of us were in a particularly suitable place for a relationship (so young and living in different countries), after a few weeks of in betweening we decided we were a couple. I and she both felt the other was simply too special to allow the distance intervene.
The next two years went a little like this : We’d take it in turns to fly over and visit each other, spending pretty much every penny we earned on visits and trips. Due to me being in a boarding school, time and funds were fairly limited, which meant we were only really able to see one another every two months. Although that was hard on both of us, we made it work by speaking all day every day on Facebook Messenger, and video Skyping every night. Each visit was the highlight of the season, and each one ended with us holding one another in bed crying, proclaiming ‘‘Forever wouldn’t be enough’’. We had an incredibly strong bond and love, she supported me through hard times and I did the same for her. We lost our virginities to one another and really were each others ‘firsts’ in pretty much every way. She would often tell me that I was the only boy she had ever felt properly attracted to, that I was the most beautiful person she’d ever laid eyes on and she spent a good deal of time trying to convince me of such. She made a big deal of how attractive she found me, and I honestly did feel the same about her. We’d often talk about married life and this is no way scared us. We were as sure in each other as it was possible to be. Our shared dream was to go to university together, thus closing the gap and letting us have a proper ‘‘in person’’ relationship with never having to say goodbye. This was what we worked towards for two whole years, both of us really really hard.
I can’t emphasise enough how much we both invested in this relationship, or quite how strong it was, the words literally are not in my vocabulary. I could never imagine an end to it and I don’t think she could either.
With that said, it was by no means perfect. Anyone who has done long distance will know that it has a habit of exaggerating every little problem that would be totally insignificant in person. In all honesty, it was largely my fault. I behaved terribly towards her on many occasions. I was never unfaithful to her - I never even looked at other girls, but I had a habit of being stifling and controlling, guilting her when she went out with her friends or when she was too busy to speak to me. I made her feel like I resented her interests and hobbies. I’d get annoyed at photos of her with other boys, I was paranoid and jealous. Basically, I was petulant and mean spirited, and she put up with far more than she should have had to. I don’t make excuses for my behavior; it was mine alone and no circumstance can mitigate it. At my worst, I became upset with her for wanting to do veterinary as it was more difficult to get into, thus negatively affecting our chances of ending up at uni together. Looking back, I have no idea why I behaved in this way. I’m not a mean or even particularly selfish person. I did genuinely care about her and I didn’t ever mean to cause her harm. I suppose the best I can say is that I let my insecurities both about myself and about us get the better of me, and that I wasn’t suited to a long distance relationship. However, after an argument we would always make up, and even any lasting resentment would be instantly washed away when we’d see each other in person. It wiped the slate clean when we saw one another and realised that all of our problems and trials were worth it. I think it’s also worth pointing out that we never fought in person - never even a small argument. We didn’t have any of those problems in person; they only manifested themselves over Messenger.
This year, I was doing my final exams, and she, having done hers the year before, was taking a gap year to work and do some traveling. Everything was going pretty swimmingly, we got to see each other more often and in March we had a final visit before she went to Thailand for 2 months. It was wonderful, we kissed goodbye at the airport and this time it wasn’t devastating as we knew when we saw one another next (June) I’d be finished my exams and we’d have nearly closed the gap. We were the epitome of solidarity, like a couple who’s been married for years.
When she did go to Thailand, we started having serious problems. I was in the middle of pre exam preparations and her being so far away in such an infamous place really messed me up. We argued almost every day, about nearly nothing and I (stupidly) threatened to break up with her on multiple occasions. Again, although I was under tremendous pressure, I don’t make excuses. It was an unacceptable way to behave when she was doing her utmost to enjoy herself. We managed to stick through about a month, when the unthinkable happened.
She went to a new place to volunteer with elephants. There were lots of new people her age there and I started getting antsy. She began acting funny with me for a few days and I backed off, trying to be as accommodating as I could and not lose my temper. However, one day she told me she didn’t feel she was on the same wavelength anymore. I was crushed, and I wrote a long email begging her to stay, trying to remind her of all the beauty in our relationship and how our future that we’d worked so hard for was just around the corner. The next day, she told me she had met someone else and fallen in love, and that she no longer loved me.
I was crushed. I didn’t get out of bed for two days, I cried myself to a dangerously dehydrated state. I was totally unable to cope, and this was just three weeks before my final exams which would determine whether I got into uni or not.
I tried begging through a limited back and forth between us over the next few days but she was incredibly angry and was having none of it. She was quick to tell me that the part about meeting someone else was a lie, she simply felt that to get me to let her go she needed to play on my worst fear. Although I was hurt beyond words, I just wanted her back and I couldn’t hold a grudge. It didn’t help though, and she sent me an email a few days later after some space telling me there was no chance we would ever get back together. I didn’t respond. I was advised by a close teacher to simply not contact her at all. So I didn’t. I ignored the email and tried to move on for about two weeks.
Over the next few weeks she sent me various messages begging me to contact her, that she didn’t know if breaking up was the right thing to do, etc., but I didn’t bite. We eventually spoke and she said we would see each other when she was home and we would decide on what to do. She further traveled on to Australia for another few weeks afterwards while I did my best to do my exams. Somehow I managed to do them, and although outwardly I tried moving on I got absolutely nowhere.
She came back from Australia and after a few days of hearing nothing I caved in and asked when we would be seeing each other. She replied that she was now happy being broken up and asked me how I felt, but I didn’t answer. From that point on, every two weeks almost on the dot she sent me emails or messages trying to ‘‘clarify things’’, which basically consisted of her telling me I was beautiful and amazing and that she just needed to be alone, etc. I ignored all of these, but once she got angry when she saw photos of me on Facebook out with friends and I gave in and spoke to her. This time she once again said she didn’t know if breaking up was right and we should see one another. I was delighted, and I waited a few weeks but heard nothing.
By this time it was mid summer, and I was getting anxious, so I sent her a message asking her what was going on. She now had done a complete 180, telling me she only wanted to see me for closure and she was very cruel and mean, telling me she didn’t love me at all and that we would never ever be together and I should stop being delusional. I told her I felt we were meant to be and she laughed in my face. I said I was still going to the uni we had planned and that I thought we couldn’t not be together, and she again laughed at me. I was upset but I went again, and I didn’t contact her again. I still felt despite everything that we had a future.
A few weeks later, I was about to get my exam results when I got a barrage of messages from her, which I again ignored. She tried calling me and again I ignored her. She then sent me an email telling me she was rash and angry and she didn’t believe I could get in to the uni in question, but if I could of course she would want to try again and have a fresh start. She told me she missed me like crazy and that I should speak to her. The next day I got my results, which somehow turned out pretty good, and I was so elated that I answered one of her calls. We spoke, had a laugh and agreed we would both like a fresh start.
This brings the story to the modern day. For the last weeks of the summer, we spoke every day just like we once had. We built it up and she was very emotional about us, and I did everything I could to make her feel better and to assure her things would be very different. Although it was never really said, we were back together, with her even telling me at one point that I wasn’t single. She told me that when people met as young as we did, there’s always a point when you need to make sure you’re doing the right thing, and that she came back because she truly loved me and she knew it. We told each other we loved each other, talked about what it would be like in the next two weeks when we lived near one another, and it was perfect. I was so happy to have her back and I showed her that my behavior was totally different. It was literally going perfectly. Then, a few days before we were due to move, she went back to saying we’ll see and she didn’t know if we’d be together.
I was really upset, but I agreed to wait and see. This Saturday just gone, I moved into the uni and she did too. We saw one another by accident just a few hours after arriving. We clicked just like we always did, had a total laugh and made some new friends. We ended up sitting in her room looking at one another, and when I got up to go to bed, she asked for a hug, so I gave her one. We stood there for ages holding one another, then we looked each other in the eyes and she stroked my face, and we were both beaming. It felt just like it always had. I didn’t kiss her, I just went and over the next two days she kept texting me and asking to meet up, which we did. We just sat talking and laughing, and it was nice, but I wanted to make some progress. On Monday I asked her what was going on and she said she didn’t know if she loved me. I was upset, especially after the past few weeks when she had told me she was still madly in love with me and that she was sure. She left and the next day I didn’t see or hear from her. I invited her to come watch a movie with me and she said yes, but then at the very last minute told me she was going out with friends instead. I didn’t make any fuss, but then when she didn’t contact me again yesterday I asked her to come see me. She very reluctantly did and I told her how much I loved her and how much I wanted to be hers and make us both so happy. I said every thing I could think of. She was in tears but she told me that she didn’t love me anymore, she didn’t want to be mine, and that she felt nothing for me anymore (even though she was obviously still angry about some of the stuff in our past, although she insisted she wasn’t). I asked how that was even possible after she had been so sure two weeks ago, and she replied she didn’t know. I pointed out how many times she had changed her mind already, but she had no response. She said I shouldn’t have come here just for her, and left. She offered me a kiss in response to my stating that I wanted to kiss her again, but that it wouldn’t mean anything. I didn’t take that offer. She left anyway, and I went to bed last night a wreck again.
So, now I’m in quite the sticky situation. I’m in university in a foreign country, with no friends or relations nearby, and if that’s not bad enough, she somehow ended up living literally right across the street from me (I can see her window from mine), something we deliberately didn’t talk about so we could avoid this type of situation. We eat in the same room everyday. I have literally no escape and so the NC rule might only have limited effectiveness. I will be seeing her every day and I’m not very good at pretending. It doesn’t help that she is very popular and has lots of new friends and I’m not finding it so easy. I told myself there were lots of other reasons for coming here but I think I may have tricked myself.
I took a chance on hoping before and I’m afraid of doing it again. I want her back so badly I can taste it, I really do believe that much of our worst moments were just circumstance and that if we gave it a chance in person it could flourish. I think we came much too far to not give it a fair chance. Our love was real and good and pure and I think it really enriched our lives, even if the relationship maybe didn’t. I also don’t believe that her feelings disappeared that quickly, especially not when it seemed to be going so well when we first saw one another. Love doesn’t just vanish like that.
So guys, what do I do? I’m a wreck and I need help 
Thanks so much for reading.
