My NC: Struggles and Insights

no-contact-rule
1

Hey everyone!

My backstory is in the Reconciliation section, quite long, but here it is-

https://www.forum.exbackpermanently.com/boards/topic/mixed-signals-and-more-nc-help/

A quick recap- We broke up after 9 intense months on September, I made all but one of the 5 deadly mistakes; after chasing her for 4 months I decided to go NC, two weeks later she contacted me; we met, she told me she tried dating but nothing worked out and she missed me; we tried to get back during the end of January, met a bit, talked a lot, even had sex (which I’m not sure was a mistake on my behalf), and yet she said she’s not ready yet, that now, finally, I’m no the reason we can’t get back, but she is. She said she has to go through a process, maybe see a therapist, cuz she has lots of stuff she isn’t happy about herself, and she has to solve them by herself, and being in a relationship will prevent her from facing them alone.

So we started NC again, which lasted a week since we study in the same building at the same university. I saw her on Sunday March 8th, and we texted and I tried to convince her to meet up as friends; but when she kinda evaded I pressured her and things kinda went south; when we met on the train 2 days later, she told me she cried after our texts and that she’s distressed about it and scared of not me, but the whole situation, that is, seeing me at the university, or the train, not knowing what to do when that happens etc.

So I decided that Tuesday (the 10th) that I REALLY don’t wanna be that kind of guy, and started NC again, not sure for how long, but at least a month.

I don’t wanna lose hope; last time I started NC she contacted me 2 weeks later, only to realize she wasn’t ready to get back.

I feel much better now, haven’t seen her since then (managed to work my schedule around meeting her), but, as much as I know I need to move on, I believe she’s the love of my life, 6 months after the breakup, and our attempt to get back only proved me how much that’s true.

Not sure I’m asking for any kind of advice, just wanted to vent a bit, but if any of you got any tips, or just feel like cheering a guy up, I’d really appreciate it!

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Would really appreciate any and all advice :slight_smile:

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Hey, you did well and you should continue NC. IMO you should let her initiate things once she contacts you. Personally I did the mistake that as soon as I got her, I started discussing about relationship and how much it mean for me and all that, and it just made things worst again. So lesson learnt is, let her contact, let her initiate things, and take everything VERYY slowly. Initially, avoid talking about relationships, give vague answers and be friend from your side for few weeks, and let her realize and work on reconciliation. After seeing your posts, it seems you have great chances and just keep working on yourself, of course best is about to happen. :slight_smile:
Cheers, good luck!

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Thanks for the feedback manishx, it’s greatly appreciated.

I thought about sending her an email after 30 days of NC, but I know I shouldn’t, I know she needs to be the one to contact me; she asked me to give her space cuz I was overwhelming, and I have to respect that, because if I don’t, then I really don’t deserve to be with her.

I’ve come to the conclusion that while I’m not giving up on us, I am letting her go, and maybe one day she’ll come back, or not, only time will tell.

It’s my 20th day of NC and I do feel much better, but there’s this lurking fear that’s gnawing inside me- once, I was scared that we’ll never get back, and while that still can be the case, I’ve made my peace with her. This new fear is that she’ll become a memory and nothing more; I know I want her in my life, and I know I can’t handle being friends with her, but if after all this time all I have left of her is just a memory, well, wouldn’t that just be incredibly sad?

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I am glad it helped, and you are doing great. This fear is normal too. It may sound weird but what I feel that once you let her go, let the thoughts of whether she will come or not should go along as well. Truth is, she will return but for now shouldn’t worry about it because purpose of NC is to focus on self and we are doing that to become much better than we have been during emotional breakdown, for benefit of all. Agreed, sometimes the sadness occur given possibility of she may won’t return (I highly doubt that, personally I have seen exes making contact at a point if we can do strict NC, always!!) but it’s us to deal with this thought or sadness, either to stick to it and drowning ourselves or let this thought go away by remembering the reason behind and getting the focus back on ourselves.

If we are thinking positive, doing best we can and feeling good about what we are doing, there is no reason it won’t turn out good. Yes, we don’t know by when - may be a month, may be more but meanwhile why shouldn’t we just keep improving ourselves, and love life as it is. Leave worries behind, you are gonna have best times ahead.

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Yeah, I’ve really come to realize things are gonna be alright, and the last 10 days (out of 21 of NC) have actually even seriously great. Of course she’s still on my mind, but not like before, which is good.

My problem is as before, I just wanna write her a bit, see how she’s doing. I’m nowhere near writing a magic letter (though I do have an idea what to write), but it’s just been a long time and I hope she misses me.

Of course, I know she should be the one to initiate things, but I don’t know, I’m afraid if time passes by, we might lose the momentum and a chance to get back. But then again, she asked for time…so overall, I’m doing well, but kinda uncertain if I should stay away from her.

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hi joe,
glad things are looking up for you! its too soon to reach out after the 30 days since she explicitly asked for space and said she was scared of the situation. you need to give her more time. 30 days in the grand scheme of things really isn’t long. wait 2-3 months total before reaching out. hope youre feeling ok!

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atea! It’s so good to hear from you!

I’m doing quite well; in a different thread I wrote how a school-friend of my ex hit on me at a party (pretty sure she didn’t know who I was), but seeing how doing something with it would’ve hurt my ex, I didn’t do anything. But it was a nice ego boost right there, and another example how there are other girls out there.

I’ve decided that while I’m not giving up on us, I am letting her go, and maybe we’ll get together once more, but right now we need some time off.

I hope you’re feeling better! I wanted to write more in your thread but didn’t wanna barge in without asking (looks like you got yourself a great, supportive group there).

So it’s a great time to ask two things- first, how have you actually been? Are things feeling a little better? And second, will it be ok if I “joined” your group thread?

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i actually feel the best I’ve felt in the 6 months! i think i finally got the closure i needed for now to want to step off this crazy emotional roller coaster ride. i said everything i wanted to and right now i don’t want anything to do with my ex. last week i had just a small setback for a few days but i really feel fine now. again, not sure what the future holds but for at least the next foreseeable future i really just want some time away from him.

we don’t use that group anyone really! most of us have left the boards. i think its healthy to get away sometimes. i write back only with small updates or when i have some free time to help some other people with their situations but i don’t think any of us in that group have a want to discuss our situations anymore - we all just want to put them behind us and move on so that conversation is kind of closed except for some small updates and catch ups here and there.

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The “emotional roller coaster” is exactly what made me realize how much I don’t wanna feel like that. A week ago I talked to a friend of mine whom I know for like 14 years, and he told me that during all our years of knowing one another, he always admires my rationality and pragmatism, and he doesn’t understand where that person has gone.

And just like that, I realized I don’t wanna be that guy anymore.

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Hi Joe D. I think you really need to give it time now, but I am not sure how much. I do think you are in a good situation as it is clear you love each other. Hopefully with time things will work out. Could you read my thread? Just the first page and the last two-three pages and you will gt an idea of the story and where we are right now.

Basically it failed because of some issues of my own, I didn’t know how to handle the relationship and reacted badly to things. When he broke up he said we could remain friends and see where it goes. For the next two months we were together 3 4 times. And told me he would like things to work out but wasnt ready. I am affraid as we were together for 5 months and broke up 3 months ago he will just be used to not being wiht me and moved on already… we agreed to meet this saturday, kind of by his initiative (i just said “you said we were going for a ride and never said anything” and he scheduled it right away)

But if you have time I really apreciate if you read in more detail and tell me what you think. I am so nervous :confused:

https://www.forum.exbackpermanently.com/boards/topic/he-says-he-would-like-to-get-back-but/

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I’m still at work at the moment so I’ll read it once I’m done here.

But, while the whole 5 months dating/3 months broken up isn’t ideal, the fact he was the one to initiate a meet up is, in my opinion, a great thing!

I think you that when you meet up, be cool like you are. Don’t get your hopes super high, cuz if it’s not what you expected, it’ll bring you down, and who wants that? (Speaking from personal, shitty experience here).

Just go, have a good time, and figure out later if this is going to the place you want it to go. But be the one to decided that, not him.

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I agree completely with atea. Given that she asked for space and seemed a little worried about contact, I would wait the full 30 days before contacting her. Just some time to get yourself right but more importantly it’s time that will get over the anxiety of the situation.

Remember, Kevin says in one of his articles, just because you see her in person it doesn’t mean you are breaking your no contact. Just keep it brief, be cordial, and don’t let the convo get personal. Based on your story, it just seems like you started contacting her a bit too soon and maybe came in a bit strong in pressuring Her to hang out. It sounds like she does really care about you and she will likely come back to contact you.

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Hey mr anderson, thanks for your input!

A little update:

So, I saw her yesterday coming out the gym we both work out in just as I was coming in. I said something like “Wow, how’s it going?” and we had a short conversation. A few hours after that she messaged me- “I forgot to ask- why did you say “wow” when we met up?”; I explained to her that I wasn’t expecting meeting her there, and since it’s been like a month since we last met/talked, it was a pleasant surprise.

She told me she didn’t understand if that was a good wow or bad wow, since she came out all sweaty and red-faced from her work out. I explained that obviously, a “wow” regarding her can’t be bad, after which I asked if we could talk a bit on the phone, took a bit of convincing but eventually we talked.

It was nice, and at some point I told her about something that kinda bothered me- 2 weeks ago there was a school party for our faculty (we study at the same faculty- me, accounting, her, business management), and I went there expecting to see her; she wasn’t there. Instead, a school friend of her, who I’m pretty sure didn’t know who I was hit on me, I didn’t do anything because first, it felt like the wrong thing to do, that it might her hurt my ex, and second, because right now I’m really not in a phase where I want a fling, nor am I ready to let someone new into my life.
I told her all of that, she said too bad, that she’d be glad to know I moved on etc…

A few minutes later she messaged me the following- “I can’t believe even after 6 months you keep lying to me. If you didn’t want her, why did you add her on facebook after the party?” and so forth. To which I responded that I added her earlier at the party, since she was nice and was chatting with my friends, and later on, when it was clear she got the wrong message, I kept my distance.

I think it helped cool her down or whatever, and I told her that, as she asked, I’ll keep my distance, not contact her, and respect her request, but I also said that if a day comes when she wants to fall in love again, I truly hope that door will remain open. We talked a bit more, then hung up.

That’s pretty much it. I would LOVE to hear your opinion of all of this mess. And if I may start by asking a question- when she first messaged me, I mean, why? Did she really need to know what that “wow” meant? was she seeking attention? Kinda confused right now, but, as I said, keeping my distance.

Thanks for reading all of this, it’s a lot and I truly appreciate it!

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Well, it’s been a month since I started NC, and as I wrote above, she contacted me.
I really wanna talk to her, since on our last phone call, when I asked if she was happy, she told me, half joking that she’s kinda depressed. I asked her what she meant by it, she said nothing, that she was joking. I told her I don’t buy it, but won’t pressure her to tell me if she doesn’t want to.

I think overall, NC was awesome for me, and while I want to contact her, I know she’s not ready yet to get back together, seems like she’s still going through her process.

Any opinions? If it ain’t much to ask, the post above this one explains her contacting me last week, so you’re welcome to read it

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Well, hopefully, some of you are still reading this thread, and if that’s the case, here’s a little update; would like to know your opinion.

So, about a week ago there was a big party at the university, though I was headed to different party. My ex emails me if I’m going, we end up talking on the phone, I explained I’m going somewhere near it and heading early because I have to catch a flight later that night. I told her she could come back with me if she wants to, but she said she could manage heading back.

She called me again, saying she has no problem paying for gas for coming with me; Obviously, I told her it’s not about the money but that I was already on the way. I later mailed her to call me when she can, she did, the day after, and said-
“I only saw your message now. I managed to get to the party and it was really great, hope you had a good time too. Enjoy your flight!”

I haven’t responded, but right now I’m confused…Why would she contact me of all people? Only to get a ride there, or something more? Super confused…

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Honestly, anyone?

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Well, in my opinion it could just be usual contact to check out, or may be she is trying to initiate. I would suggest that if all going well with you and if you can handle it - just start being casual with her and you may reply with short messages without explaining too much, without talking about relationship and staying and looking positive. Do not share more details, stay friendly but more like acquaintances and let her take initiatives with times. I believe that could be best way for you as of now.

19

I wrote her a letter, and since we study at the same building, I think about giving it to her on Sunday. Not sure if I should drop the bomb like that or start by something slow…

Letter goes like this:

"This letter might have caught you by surprise, but of all the things that have changed since we’ve parted ways, I hope you still like reading my letters to you.

So, we’ll start at the beginning. I realize today how necessary this breakup was, how many things I needed to go through with myself before I could even begin to consider starting a new relationship or trying to get back to the one I had with you and that is gone now.
Today, I’m at the end of the process I needed to go through and as much as it saddens me it couldn’t have happened with you beside me, I’m still glad it did, because it has brought me to who I am today- a more mature, happier, more responsible happy me. Whether it’s at work or at the university, or just with friends, the daily understanding that I need to be worthy of those around me brought me to such a good place, a place I’m proud to be at.

I also decided to give the world a chance to show me what it has to offer, and while I’m sure it tried its best, it still didn’t help me find exactly what I’ve been looking for.
After nearly three months since our last serious interaction, and after nearly 9 months of being broken up, I’m at peace with this breakup, even though it’s still a lot of time without you, without us.

During one of our last conversations, you told me how you wanted to go through a process with yourself, and that you had to go through with it alone, and I’m so proud of you for that, even if it pained me not being there by your side.
I truly you that you’re in a better place today, that you’re happier, that you smile to the world and that the world, in turn, smiles back at you, because besides your amazing smile, you really do deserve to smile, to be happy and loved.

A few months ago you wondered that if enough time passed, if “when the obsession and the pain for the mistake you’ve made are go, so will I”; well, here we are today, I don’t think any of us forgot the other, I know I didn’t.

I’m not sure exactly what it is I’m trying to offer, don’t know if the new you and the new me fit, but I do know I’m curious to find out, or at least to get to know the new you better, to show you what I’ve got to offer, and see what you have to offer, I’m sure it’s something good and new.

[I then go on about some short nostalgic part, I’ll skip it]…but with all due respect to our glorious past, I want to focus on what the future has to offer us.

A few months back (another quote I remember) you said that “maybe one day we could reach it from a clean and healthy place, and then it’ll be alright to make mistakes together”; well, I know I’m at that place today, all that’s left is to see whether you also wanna see what’s new under the sun.

So, to sum things up, there’s so much more I can and want to write and say, but for now, I think this’ll do. If you believe and want to see and get to know the new me, whether it’s to go, or try to go, on an old-new road together, or just to part ways as friends who smile when they meet, you’re more than welcome to contact me and we’ll drink some coffee/wine/tea/water.

Anyway, whether it goes this way or that, I truly wish for you great joy, and that you’ll never stop smiling.

Me"

I know it’s a LOOOOOOT to read, but I would be be extremely happy if you could read it and tell me your thoughts about it all.

Thank so much :slight_smile:

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Right, countdown to tomorrow is up, really need some advice here; I think the letter’s good, but would love some outside opinion here