My little story - need advice

We are both turning 27 in a week, and we got together when we were 21. We met on New Years Eve and I fell in love right at that night. I knew that we had something special as I never felt that way before, talking through the whole night, she having me 30 cm away from her face, so I had to slow things down a bit as I didn’t want to scare off her. We got together before Valentine’s Day, 13th Feb, 2014. Everything was magical, we went to university together, we had some of our classes together, went for a dance course on the university as well. We had our first trip on the summer, and she was a bit scared when I got the idea after 3 months to go on a holiday together, but ended up perfectly, we were in true love. We got to know each other’s parents, everyone got along, and the next summer we planned a joint holiday with both of our families, and it was also true fun. I went with her family on ski trips as well; they were accepting me and considered me as a member of the family from the start. We went on small and larger trips as well, weekend getaways, 1 week chill out on the beach every year, 10-day trip to China in 2017 and so on.

We weren’t living really together in the first 2,5 years. She had rented a flat when we met, and we grew together there as I spent more and more time with her. We always had our costs split, there was no question about it. We had our first Christmas together in 2014, we went for dance classes, cooking classes, and we loved board games, watching series, having dinner on our small balcony, taking walks in the city. Lovely times. We also loved to go to festivals and we never missed our favorite.

Her parents always wanted to get her a flat, and I had a passion for searching homes, and when the first it came up, I sent her one (late 2014 or early 2015). In 2016 her parents decided to get her a flat, and I’m not sure if on my recommendation, but they ended up with the one I sent her in the early days. I couldn’t be happier as we were doing the interior design together, although I could have been abashed as the money came only from their side, as it was hers in general. We moved together as the apartment was finished in Summer 2016.

In 2015 she got a job which she didn’t like and her mother got cancer so she resigned from the work, but I stood by her side the whole time, and supported her in every way I could. She got her degree in that year as well and in 2016 she got another job, which she still currently holds.
Me on the other hand struggled to finish my degree, I got it on 2017. And I had the same job basically from 2012 to 2018, there were structural changes in the company, but my tasks were the same, slowly increasing in difficulty as time passed by and got promoted from intern to Full Time Employee. I had quite enough from not having any progress on my career, so I started looking for new opportunities in 2017 but failed to make the change, but in Oct 2018 I got another position. Sadly though it didn’t last long, and in 2019 January I got fired. Thankfully tomorrow I’m starting at a new position.

Talking about our relationship, to me it is quite obvious that it was heaven above clouds for both of us until we moved together. Then for some reason I started to be a bit more introverted than I usually am, it could have been from the stress that I couldn’t finish my degree in time, or that I found little to no joy in my work. She had noticed me 1 or 2 times that something is not right (but not specified) and I was aware of that, but I couldn’t figure out what to do in the long term. We went on holidays, on festivals, and these were quite good fun, but the weekdays got less exciting.

I feel that our highest point was in 2017. In that year one of our friends got pregnant and we wanted to go on a holiday together, but they didn’t want to go anywhere far as the baby was coming. We decided that we want to live before we proceed to the family life, so we planned a trip to China, and later that year we went to Portugal as well. I found myself thinking that this idea of being active is what I want with her and that I want to propose to her someday. But I wanted to be on her level, mostly on careerwise. That’s when I finished my degree and started looking for a new job, but failed in 2017. Early 2018 we were just searching for something when a plane ticket came up having a round trip from Hungary to Paris to New York to Amsterdam back to Hungary. My mind started spinning as what else could possibly be better than a proposal in Paris but we cooled off to see if there’s any room for this huge trip, but in my mind it was still the plan. I was continuing to have a bad mood at the firm I have worked at that time, started to gain weight due to more frequent coffee breaks that included some snacks as well.

Summer 2018 I got the offer from a company which I accepted but ultimately led to us not being able to go on that round trip, and planned a week long beach holiday just before I got into the new position. She went on another 2 week trip with her family end of October and when she got back, she basically jumped on me at the airport, and I couldn’t feel any happier as for me it was a sign of deep love. I knew that I want to propose. Later in November we had a short period when we thought that we will be parents, and we cried together when it didn’t happen. She was always singing that one song that was about a proposal even though she didn’t like to sing. I knew I had to propose. I went to the jewelry store, and ordered a custom-made engagement ring. Christmas came along and now I can tell that there was something in the air, I couldn’t tell, but it just wasn’t that happy, that joyful than before. I thought that she must be thinking about her grandfather who started to break down. I got her tickets to one of our favorite musician’s concert in the summer, as they were selling out fast. She got me a weekend bag to travel with and a set of glassware as I started to like whisky. I opened a bottle of champagne that I got from her way back before and kept it for a special occasion, but wanted to know if it is still good, but it wasn’t. That was the point when it clicked that I should not wait for a special occasion, living is the occasion; “carpe diem” as they say. I wanted to propose, but didn’t have the ring yet. January came along I lost the job, and I decided that I will do everything that I can to be my best self when I propose to her on our anniversary, started working out but I couldn’t be with her that much as I didn’t want to risk going bankrupt.

She went out with her best friend one night and the next morning she told me that she kissed with a guy, a stranger, and it didn’t mean anything. (This happened once before but she made sure that it was nothing serious). She mentioned that she might want to a 2 week break. That didn’t sound so great. A few days later we talked again about this and she clearly wanted the break, wanted to know how she feels without me. The ring was completed, but I felt that it will be no use. I accepted her 2 week break and sadly it included our anniversary. I got her flowers, and left her a small love letter but not telling anything about my plans. 2 weeks went on and she told me that she will go on a short ski trip with her parents. I felt that I could not ever propose to her. She came back and we talked through the night. I started telling her how much she means to me, telling her the above story of how I felt from 2017 and how I developed a feeling of us being a family and that I wanted to ask a question I might never get to. Both of us were crying. She told me that she loves me and that she might never find anyone that loves her this much and that she’s worried about me not to be harmful to myself in any way, that I look so good (lost 10kg), and she acknowledges my work towards myself and she hopes that I’m doing this for myself and not because of her. And that she doesn’t know what she wants but not this, we being in a bit boring relationship what would be OK in 5 or 20 years, but not now and that she feels these ups and downs since we moved together. And in half year she might feel idiot letting me go because she finds some bad person or I find someone else but she has to try out as it would be in her head for the rest of her life. And that she doesn’t want to date me right now, as I told her that I can move out and give this a try, as she doesn’t want to keep me in stock if nothing better comes up.

Since then I got out most of my stuff from the apartment, and I hasn’t really contacted her, but she called me and messaged a few times, once telling me that she is fussy and we talked about a lot of things for 40 minutes but when asking if she would like some company tells me no. She also told me that she finds it difficult to meet me as she is happy to see me, she likes my smell and my looks but it makes her difficult to her as she is confused. We had two activities together, once we sat side by side and we looked at each other a few times, once she was across the circus but contacted me if I went there. Since then one week passed and she told me how a doctor’s appointment went, and called with some household issues. Last time we ran into each other, as I wanted to go to her place for my last items, and she was around the corner going for a theater play with her mom and two colleagues. The original plan was that we and her parents wanted to see the act. So, I walked her to the place, and we talked about how I’m finding the new job, how she got another position at her company, and then she asked how I’m feeling. I told her that I’m developing, but the feelings that I have for her won’t go away that easily, and how much time and effort I’ve put in myself to be my better self. Then she shared with me that she now thinks that she made the right decision. Previously she had some thoughts on getting back together, in the very beginning, but now she doesn’t want the old things. I told her that the old thing clearly had some issues - as we broke up - that we couldn’t work out or didn’t even tried, and I would only want something that is based on the positive things we had and with a lot more open communication between us. I told her that my only regret is that she didn’t wait out my transformation.

I’m not so sure on how to get her back. I’ve done everything that is suggested, half of it I started without the guide (working out and getting a new job, developing my personality) half of it was the systematic approach to this thing. Before the last meeting I had much more hope on getting back together, as it was clear to me that on a physical level she is/was attracted to me. But I don’t understand how the changes that I’m making in myself doesn’t really move her.
I’m not contacting her as in the guide unless she contacts me, but I feel mixed emotions from her, and I feel like she’s trying to overcome those that are connecting to her positively, and maybe develop something with others. My guessing would be that she has a new connection with someone at her firm, and I can’t really win that race if the guy can approach her any time of the day in his best state of mind, being an active and successful person at his job. Her friends are not very helpful to be honest; the girl who she went out with doesn’t really like me I guess, so she’s pushing her away from me, and another guy is mostly on her side and not mine. But everyone else was shocked about how things went down with us. The neighbors thought we were married and my friends hope we will get back together.

I’ll start the NC right after her birthday, as I’m sure she will call me on mine and I want to give her the same thing as we are on great terms otherwise. I know that there are plenty of fish in the sea, and I feel like I’m not desperate to get her back, but I’d truly love to find out if this really can’t be fixed. Any suggestions are welcome.

You were both quite young when you started dating. Now she’s wondering if someone else would be able to better meet her needs. You can’t talk her into reconciliation if she wants to be out in the world on her own. If you leave her alone and she dates other guys, she will be comparing them to you and if she decides you are more desirable (for whatever reasons), she will reach out to you and try reconciliation.

I know it’s scary, but it seems you have to take the risk with no contact.

Hi Patricia,

Thanks for the honest answer. That’s what I figured out in myself as well, but as you say, it’s scary. I get to get even better, focus on my career, meet others and not think about this at all (what I already started). If she feels like she should reach out. So I guess, I shouldn’t send an elephant in the room either or would that make her wonder?
Funny as today I ran into one of the neighbors in the mall who didn’t know about the situation yet, and just after a quick catch up he said that she made a huge mistake, and that I’m a well qualified, otherwise handsome guy whom with anyone would love to be. He said that she will have a hard time develop deep connections as she not only has all the power that women have on men but she is financially independent which turns every social and relationship dynamics upside down. She lives in an elite part of the city, so any men with pride on what they achieve will have a hard time moving to her.

You could sent “the elephant in the room” now or after no contact.

I decided not to take the plunge as I want things to settle down. We have been in mild contact last week, so I think I’m better not acting on this matter for now. I started AHW as well, and now I start to see some flaws we had, but I think that these will only make me more determined that I want her in my life, but not need her desperately.
As a follow up, I’ll try to get my furniture shipped tomorrow, and this means giving her keys back. Should I give it to her in person, or just put it in the mailbox? I’m not sure, as we haven’t been in contact since Sunday when she called me briefly for my BD (so let’s call this NC). And I don’t know if I should do the same today on hers.

I don’t know what AHW is… Where are you living now? As to the keys, ask her what she wants you to do about them. Yes, wish her happy birthday.

It seems you had the engagement ring, but wanted the ‘perfect time’ to give it to her. I think you should have given it to her soon after you got it because by now she must be thinking you weren’t serious about her after all these years.

Anyway, I wish you luck…

AHW is advanced healing worksheets in the EBP plus or how its called. I wished her happy birthday but it wasn’t really anything, she was coming out of a theather and couldn’t hear much about what she said.
I got the ring after she had the idea of having the break so I didn’t want to propose on that note because it would’ve seemed like she “cryed it out”. She knows that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and I wanted her to be the mother of my child.
I live in my parents house at the moment, but I’m on my own, they moved abroad a while ago. NC started, will see how things work out in a month or so.

A quick update on this. Yesterday we had a meeting for returning things to each other at her place. I returned the keys, she found 2 t-shirts and a sweater, and some miscellaneous things (medicine, some old stuff from festivals we went to together etc). And then we had talked for like an hour about usual stuff, she was interested in me.
How Easter will go for me, am I visiting my parents, or they come to me, how do I find the work that I’m in for a month now, I told her that it’s challenging. She asked me how I feel, and I told her, that I never thought that I will have to do some more fishing in the ocean, but I’ll go with it, but it’s hard as the bar is set pretty high (not really meant by her, but I set them for myself). She responded that maybe now I don’t need to find love. Talked about some more about work, how people, especially girls dress up, and that they might only wear the heels for me, but I told her that most of them have the ring on the finger, she told me that we both know that nowadays it doesn’t matter (her best friend left his husband, and she said that they seem happier now, I replied that her friend has chosen rather poorly with the next guy). She came up later on as she went with her to shopping and some daily wellness the day before.
Somehow camping came up, I told her that she would never go on a trip like that, and she said she is too much of a princess for that, but I know that :D. GOT came up as well, I told her that it’s highly unlikely, that I’ll watch it, as I have done it only with her. When I decided to leave, she followed me to the door, and gave a huge and long hug, and one of the most heart-filling kiss on the cheek. Last thing she said that She hopes I won’t disappear.

What does this mean? I have mixed emotions, like she talking about our friends who are happier separated, and that I should maybe look for some casual stuff (does that imply that she’s not searching for the one?). The hug and the kiss on the cheek and those last words on the other hand tell me that she wants me near if the circumstances are right for everything, maybe she wants to connect with me. How do I proceed on this?

Of course she cares about you and is interested in what you’ve been doing because you were together some years. But she wants to be on her own and said so a few times. If you’re confused as to whether or not she wants to reconcile, ask her. If she says no, don’t contact her anymore and move on.

An update on this if anyone is interested. We met 2 times, and had some calls since the last time I worte on here, all was initiated by her. The last one was yesterday, we had a coffee and then sat in a park, taking about each others lives, how things go, what’s with mutual friends, holidays etc, but nothing serious, she asked if I had anybody, and my idea of she having someone from work has gotten confirmed, but that thing is hardly serious as I put the pieces together. I sent an Elephant letter to her two days before the last meet from abroad, so I’m interested, how it will follow as I can’t really tell why all these contacts and meets happen.

The elephant in the room seems to be the fact that you wanted to marry her and even bought an engagement ring! After the breakup she has initiated contacts, but when you meetup with her, you discuss rather trivial things instead of having a serious head on discussion as to what she wants from you. In the mean time she is dating a guy from work and getting more and more emotionally involved with him.

It’s time to either ask her if she wants to “consider” reuniting or go no contact and allow her to miss you and what you had together.

Are you living near each other or are you out of town?

Well, that’s one way to put it :smiley: but the letter is not really about that, rather than telling her that the breakup was needed in order to me become my better self, even though my journey started before the breakup, and also about me being glad that she reached out multiple times [even when her grandmother died] and having her to share my life with her and vice versa.

So I’m really not sure what she want’s and probably the boss move would be to ask her this exact thing, but I’m still reading mixed stuff, like that call with her grandmother, the calls around the funeral that I didn’t pick up bc I was abroad, but also asking about my “love life” and keeping that 2-feet distance what is for the intimate connections.

As of living nearby, this is hard to tell, I don’t sleep near where she sleeps, but I work in the city centre, close to where she is having her errands (gym, dinners etc), so we could bump into each other, although that did not happen yet. But we have the same interests, as I figured out, she was on the same concert as me, and I got that ticket in advance (we were still together actually :D).

How many miles apart do you live from each other? You are guessing as to the mixed signals because you really don’t know what she thinks about you or getting back together.

I read on another post that she’s in a friend with benefits situation. How do you know that??

Most women get very strong feelings for a man they’re having sex with, even if those feelings aren’t reciprocated by the man.

Sounds like you’ve been put in the friend zone. I suggest you continue no contact indefinitely…

Anyway, I hope she has a good reaction to your elephant letter.

Let us know, okay…

We live like 10-13km (8-10 miles) or so apart now, and yes, guessing comes from not knowing. As for the fwb stuff, when she asked if I had anything, because some friends of her heard that I’m talking with someone on FB(!?), she shared with me that she has something so that I don’t hear it from anyone else. The guy she’s seeing is someone that came in the pic just after we broke up, like 2 weeks after it they were having coffee (while I was still moving my stuff out, we met, and I could read from her expression that something has changed).
But from what I’ve heard from the neighbors back there (I’m on good terms with them, and they like me as well, I’m playing badminton with one, and another I have semi-regular lunches), the guy is not really showing up at her place that often. But I’m guessing again about this as well.
Will see, hope the mail companies don’t mess up the delivery

Well the ship has sailed I guess.
I sent the letter from abroad on a trip to one of my friends. Between the sending and the receiving a long one-and-a-half week passed, and before she got the letter we bumped into each other on a chill acoustic concert venue. It was totally random, I was going home from work and had a thought of going to that place, which is way out of her usual locations, so I had no idea she will be there. I was standing in line for the bar when I noticed her, and as it was quite a long one, I invited her to join me. She was with the girl friend who I was talking about earlier. We sat down and talked a bit about usual stuff, so nothing deep, especially since the friend was there as well, but I guess if it was just the two of us, it wouldn’t have mattered. End of concert, we head to the subway, kiss on the cheeks and took different directions.
Next day I got a FB message that she received the letter and it is nice from me that I wrote.
So I stopped contacting her ever since. My plan was that if that letter can do anything, bring out any kind of reaction, I’ll follow up, but this nothing that she sent me made me realize that I gave what I could, and I don’t want to seem any more desperate.
Interesting enough, since then I started posting on Instagram in stories, and firstly, the girl friend checked me out, even though she doesn’t follow me, and after that my ex did check 2 or 3 of my stories as well.
Will see how my life plays out from this point. I generally feel great, but there are some days when I just can’t think of anything else that how did I get here, and how am I gonna reach what I want (let it be a family or just having my own apartment), and that I feel f’in lonely.

Can’t edit, sorry for double posting.
Since then, I’ve dated some girls, been on festivals, used Tinder, but nothing seems like the one I’m looking for. Or if I find someone that I can have long term thoughts as well, she doesn’t even match up :smiley: and I’m a good looking guy, talked to colleagues and girl friends, and they genuinely think I’m a pretty good catch :smiley: (no, I won’t go for colleagues and the friends are friends for a reason)

Do you still live at your parents place? Are they still abroad? For vacation or what?

Yes, I still do. They are working abroad, and they are not really planning to come back in the near future (only for holidays), but I guess they want the place as a safety net. Otherwise if I were them, the house would be long gone, and the money would be in other assets that generate income not take away as it constantly needs investing in it (as any property to be maintained). I have been eyeballing with renting a place, but the rental prices are way too high for a single bloke IMHO, even though I’m not earning bad money. There are stats made by the gov and I get paid more than double of the average income, but a renewed, furnitured place in the centre would go around 30-40% of that income, which is ridiculous. If I had an SO to share the rental with, that would obviously go down to 15-20%, which would be fine. And if I couldn’t move close to the centre then whats the point of moving anyway.
So I’m kind of stuck in this situation.