Hi,
I reconnected with my ex boyfriend around mid-February after a NC period of over 5 months. We just ran into each other and he suggested catching up over dinner and drinks. We spent 4 awesome hours together. Ever since, we have been on further three dates - on one of these occasions he came over and I cooked dinner. We also had some wine and chatted on a more personal level but no word about us or our breakup. I did not push for it thinking it’s too early for such a conversation. On our second date, we were eating icecream when suddenly I asked him to taste mine holding the spoon in the air.
He reacted shy and quite surprised, yet he agreed to be fed. About half an hour later, he started (for the first time after our breakup) to compliment me on my looks saying how great I looked that night; and that the dress looked amazing on me. While I was cooking dinner at my place, he once placed his hand on my lower back and held it there for a while. I received a beautiful and thoughtful gift from him on my birthday. We started hugging again at the end of each date, however so far he has not tried to kiss me. Can it be that he only sees me as a good/special friend and wants to keep his distance while at the same time carrying on with this friendship. When he looks at me, I can feel his attraction, his desire and this makes it pretty confusing…I cant help wondering why he is not trying anything further to bring us closer. It’s been nearly two months since we reconnected but things appear to be moving very slowly.
A few things I wanted to add here:
he has not been dating anyone since our breakup
he has not made things “clear” to me regarding our status, nor (to my knowledge) has he tried to hint at it; in fact, he behaves as if nothing “bad” had ever happened between us except for the lack of physical intimacy. I thought it would be wiser to give it time, wait and see what happens before jumping the gun and putting him on the stop by asking for a clarification.
After the NC period I think its best to start slow. You guys broke up from some reason, whatever the reason may be. And you both need time to build up the relationship to where it was before things went bad. I think hes just trying to take things slow and not rush back into things. If you try too much too fast you might fall right back into whatever bad habit that broke the relationship was. It sounds like he generally likes you and wants things to work out, I just think you need to give him time to feel those feeling again. After so much time apart, I bet you are both somewhat newer people and its basically like starting a whole new relationship.
Thanks! I am fine with taking things slow but at times I suspect he might seek friendship/companionship. I get pretty confused when he starts staring into my eyes and complimenting me… I was hoping he would spell things out (he usually does) but since he hasn’t yet, I guess I’ll just have to go with the flow and see what happens.
I think u have a lot of positive signs For sure. I would definitely keep doing what your are doing and slowly test the waters out. He seems to be genuinely interested and may just be doing the same gauging your responses as well. It can be a confusing that’s for sure.
At times I feel we are not really moving forward; and when I am about to lose hope, he comes up with some stuff that makes me wonder. For example, about a week ago, we were planning to go out but I was not sure if he could make it as he had a huge workload. To which he said, no problem, I can make adjustments so that we can go out. I was stunned as he never said this when we were dating before and actually, his constant lack of time for me was the main problem for our breakup last year. Now, for the first time, I can see his effort “to make adjustments” and I want to believe it’s a positive thing. Any thoughts?
I think this is a great thing! He showing signs that he has changed and is ready to be more committed to the relationship! Your story is so inspiring already and is just beginning!
Hey Leogirl
thanks for the dose of optimism
I am trying to keep an open mind and expectations low. As I always say, there are no guarantees. Officially, we are not in a relationship although neither of us is dating other people. We try to meet up regularly and have fun - that’s all I’ve got as of now However, If I look back, there were all these months when I would avoid him like the plague and I would not exchange with him more than 2 sentences - now we talk, smile and hug.
I have been feeling pretty low for the past week - in fact, I posted the update on Leogirl’s thread - and I will copy and paste it here (as I should have) -
here it is:
I am going through a rough time myself. My ex and I seemed to hit it off pretty well for the past 6 weeks or so when last time an unpleasant incident happened. I made some food for him (he does not cook) and when I waited to give it to him, he suddenly accused me of playing some game on him; suddenly he turned around and entered his office building leaving me there with the food container in my hands, feeling humiliated and stupid. When I finally had some time to myself, I spent it weeping. That happened last Wednesday; after the incident, I texted him asking what was going on. He thanked me for the thought (of cooking for him and bringing it over) but he does not play “the game”. I replied that I was confused about the game he was talking about. Nothing further ever since. I know he is busy but of course, he could at least send an apology. Nobody works for 12 hours nonstop. At this point, I am pretty determined to let this be for the time being – he just does not have the right to behave so disrespectfully towards me. If I ignore the incident and behave as if nothing had happened by initiating something, I basically convey to him that I am fine with all the crap he is pulling off. Which I am not. Silence should speak volumes, far more than arguing and justifying…Unless he does something to apologize (which he may not based on past experience), this is the end for me.
I’m thinking of this every day and as much as I would like to be with this man (I am still crazy about him and his childish behaviour hurts like hell!), I am doubtful about the future.
Finally - I have detected a subtle pattern in his behaviour: each time I get closer to him (both physically (hugs) and emotionally - actually we have never had sex), he seems to be pushing me away through some artificially-created drama - like the one on Wednesday. The irony is, there has been an intense physical attraction between us for over a year and it has not subsided at all. So then, why is he such a fool? I guess, I will never understand…
I wonder if your ex isnt going through alot of back and fourth emotional turmoil. It almost seems as if you get really close and he starts to feel comfortable he creates this drama to push u away. If you have seen a pattern, no matter how subtle it is then i would tend to agree with you. That u cant ignore this incident, for the reasons u stated. And by him not addressing this so called “game” comment with an explanation, he seems to be following suit in his pattern. Because it is an easy explanation to give. I know it is hard, but i agree with a little silence towards him. I truly wish i knew why he is being a fool! But i can say this does not seem to really have anything to do with things u have done.
No updates so far. But it’s only been less than two weeks and that’s little for us Last time of no contact whatsoever was for 10 weeks. And I am again in some sort of NC in order to let him know that I am not okay with his treatment of me.
He will be travelling abroad in a couple of weeks so chances are I will not get to see him at all before mid-June or so because I do not intend to initiate contact.
It’s hard to stay optimistic but…I know for a fact he is not dating nor does he have feelings for someone else. He is just being problematic…maybe out of fear or insecurity (Not sure this detail is important - but he keeps saying that he is not a good-looking guy while he thinks I have “charm and looks” on my side). His trip abroad is a good thing as I hope he will reflect more about what he wants.
Well if he is abroad, then u have an easy reason to stay in NC. I agree with your reasoning for it, at the moment also.
His insecurities could most definitely play apart of it. I started feeling insecure with my ex for a bit and it really confused my perspective And effected my behaviour for that bit. So it’s possible for that to be a part of his behaviour.
Hopefully that his trip and some time apart does some good.
This morning I ran into my ex as he was heading to the airport - it’s been exactly a month of NC and boy, did I miss him! anyway - he behaved as if nothing terrible had happened between us; he waved at me when he saw me and seemed happy to see me again. As he was waiting for the airport coach, we had some time to talk. First we talked about work and his travel; then the conversation shifted to what happened between us last time. I then took the opportunity to let him know that he hurt me terribly and I took a long time to recover from what he did. Surprisingly he replied that he felt that I was hurt. I also told him that I was not fine being shown this lack of respect and I would not put up with it. He still tried to justify his actions but this time I stayed firm and cut him short as he deserved. He then listened in silence to what I had to say. Mind you, it was not a verbal fight, I tried to keep the entire thing decent. In the end, I left on a positive note by giving him a hug and a kiss on his cheek. He did seem miffed when he boarded the bus though.
I feel relieved now after letting him know how I felt although I am not sure I will get to see him again. If he thinks I am a pain in the ass, then I probably wont. I have an idea when he is back but I will not seek him. If he wants to see me, he will need to do something.
Any thoughts? Do you think he got mad at me for putting him in his place?
I think its a really good thing you got to tell him how he made you feel and it help you feel more relived. From what I got from it, you didnt make him mad. He was probably just shocked you didnt put up with his excuses and you told him straight up how it is. Which is a good thing.
At this point, do you want him back at some point? Or have you moved on?
well - seeing him again after one full month of NC made me realise that I still had intense feelings. But I am no doormat, and that’s precisely the purpose of the discussion I had with him today. Despite these strong feelings, I can still walk away if I do not get the right vibe from him. I just cannot afford to be hurt again and again… hopefully he has got the message today it’s good he has a few weeks to process all this while he is far away. And I can finally focus on my work for a change…lol
May 18th , you seem to have a good outlook on things and a great “whatever happens I’ll be fine” attitude! I think that’s something we all are striving for in our situations , emotional independence. So congratulations and keep up the good work!
Im glad youre staying so positive! I think the time out of the country will get good for him. Keep updating…
Ive kinda gotten to that stage where if things work with my ex great, if not im okay with it too.
