My Ex and I Had Sex - I Messed Up Horribly

reconciliation
1

I really messed up.

I had sex with my ex.

We had been broken up for four months. She broke up with me. I was on my second no-contact period with her.

I tried an initial no contact period for 45 days before I reached out to her. Let’s just say things were not going my way. I went back into a another no contact period. This period lasted for 40 days. I reached out to my ex agin through texting early last week.

Basically, we have been texting back and forth for a week now.

Yesterday, she started dropping hints that I needed to come over to see her. I teased her and kept our messages playful. However, after a good session of back and forth texts, I found out she was serious. Eventually, she hit with me the ultimatum: “You don’t understand hints very well.” “I want to rub me in exchange for some fun with you.”

I caved. I told her to come over to my place. She came over. We hugged initially. We talked and I massaged her. She was trying to be somewhat controlling of me. I kept calm, and I simply make jokes about her demands. I did however, end up massaging her and rubbing her like she requested. I didn’t bring up a single thing about our relationship. She didn’t either.

Eventually, after massaging, we got into bed. We engaged in passion. We then had sex. After we were finished, she started talking about how she needed to head out. I convinced her to stay for another round (I didn’t beg, I simply said we should go again). During our second sex session, my condom wasn’t fitting right. Our sex ended in a dud. She said she had to go. She got up, got dressed, and started heading towards the door.

As she was leaving, she said, and I quote: “I don’t know what this means. We will talk about it later.” All I said was “ok, fine.” We hugged and kissed once. She left.

I know I messed up and I messed up bad. I feel like I just got used. I am now wondering what I should do now? I know she isn’t going to ‘talk to me about it.’ She is simply going to go on her merry way. Like this meant nothing. I don’t know if it is even worth going into a third no contact period.

I am really upset at myself for caving to her. I shouldn’t have. My emotions got the better of me. I don’t know what to do now.

Any advice you could offer me would be greatly appreciated.

2

Oops, that 2nd round of sex sounds like it was awkward and embarrassing. You should have been satisfied the first time and not acted so clingy. Don’t feel like you got used because I’m sure you both enjoyed it. Anyway, she mentioned talking about it so do that. Ask for a meeting, but don’t go to your place or hers where you might both be tempted to have sex again. Invite her out to a quiet public place and have a calm sensible discussion. You’ve both had time to think about what went wrong in the relationship and maybe talk about it if you haven’t already. Maybe talk about the possibility for a reconciliation. If she gives you another chance, go out and do fun things together and let her see you can be a happy fellow without negativity and clinging. Compliment her and make her feel like you appreciate and respect her. If she asks for space, give it to her, but don’t ignore her right now because she is the one who mentioned a talk. Good luck

3

Thank you for your response.

Interesting. You are the first person I have talked to that makes it sound like she was not using me. That her line, “I don’t know what this means. Let’s talk about it later,” was sincere. Not something she was saying to get out of dodge. The reason it sounded like to me was because the way the night ended. She really sounded like she wanted to get out of my place. The second sex session really didn’t help things unfortunately.

I guess I am just unsure how to take her right now. I am not sure if I should contact her today. I almost feel like she is expecting me to contact her. If this is truly a game, that would ultimately give her the power.

4

Hey there

Things are ok, just needed time to see what she up to and yes , going oit on public places is the best idea,

For now let it rest and couple days later ask her,

If things ment to be right it will go good for you, just keep up the good work, life always have purpose for things,

I wish you good luck

5

Yes, I’m sure she was being sincere about wanting to talk. And yes, she wanted to leave your place, but don’t try to guess why. The important thing is that she wants to talk. Love is not a game of power struggles or manipulation. Nor is it a place to maneuver yourself or others in order to get the upper hand. Relationships are a place to be honest and a place to feel good. A place where you calmly work through issues together because you want the best possible relationship with each other. One where is there is ease and happiness:) It’s up to you whether to contact her today or not, but when you do, just be sweet and sincere.

6

I texted her. I got two responses to two of my messages immediately. I sent a third message. No response. It has been well over four hours. She is typically the type that texts back immediately (has been for over a week since we started talking).

Should she not respond, should I try again tomorrow? Or, should I slip into a mini no-contact period?

7

Hello!
Just caught up on your story and with your recent addition I think its a good idea not to text her today and even tomorrow! Then if no response, text her the next day. Its a really good sign that he replied to your messages, that means that she is ready to speak. With the messages you did send was it anything considered heavy, or about the relationship that she might not have wanted to discuss? You don’t want to bombard her with messages right away, so try to take it slow even though I know its hard not to go right back into texting 24/7. There are actually some really helpful articles out there to help with texting and ex!

8

I don’t know what you texted her or what she replied, but wonder why you sent three? I thought you were maybe going to send something like “Please let me know when you want to talk”. There are reasons why people don’t text back right away all the time. Maybe she had something else to do. If your last text was a question, wait for a reply. She might respond later tonight or tomorrow. Leogirl is right; don’t bombard her with anymore texts today. PS: Do you ever talk with each other on the phone? Just curious…

9

I simply texted her some lighthearted and playful messages. Basically, the messages I have been sending her for over a week now. Just made reference to a couple of inside jokes we shared.

To be honest, I didn’t feel like texting her about last night. I didn’t even mention it. Maybe I should have waited a day to even text her. I was just curious to see if she would even respond to me. I got my answer, but it also seems that she isn’t willing to respond to me.

We don’t talk on the phone. I have tried to call her only one time since we broke up. It didn’t work out for me.

I figured I have two options right now: Text her tomorrow to test the waters. Or, simply do a mini no-contact for a week to see what happens. Then if she doesn’t respond to me during the one week, text her then.

10

Also I saw your same post on another dating forum. I go there to look also, but they are all very negative people and only give out the advice to move on. They seem to tell everyone, everything they messed up in the relationship without providing sound advice.

Not sure if I can mention the name of the other site on here, but i’m sure you know the one. This forum here is very welcoming and I have found that everyone here is truly here to help fix broken relationships and problems instead of telling you to give up hope. I have found (my posting both my stories here and there) that over there they are all bitter and here people support each other, and that’s so important in this whole process

11

Id say wait a day or two to contact her again. I definitely think your mini-NC period might help the situation.

12

Since you didn’t ask about the talk, she may think you don’t want to bother with it. After all, she is the one who brought it up! Yes, text her tomorrow, but not to test the waters! Let her know you would like to talk and ask her to please let you know when she wants to… Then wait for her reply.
In other words, don’t hound her about it.

13

Appreciate the thoughts.

Just a question: Everything I have ever read has basically told me to NOT talk about where I stand in the relationship. I also feel like I really have not shown her I have changed or really re-attracted her.

I also cannot help but feel like I was used last night. Something about her wanting to go and then the words she said “We will talk about it later.” It just didn’t seem sincere to me. Then, today, she didn’t bother responding back to me.

I guess I am not even sure how to best approach this with her. Everything happened so fast. I feel like I lost my insight about the situation.

14

Okay, get a gripe, lol. And please stop feeling used. You both wanted it. She did respond to you today, but just didn’t drag it out. You already know where you stand, you’re the ex boyfriend and you don’t have a relationship anymore. And there’s no point in trying to hide the fact that you want her back…she already knows that. She said you’re not mature enough and playing mind games is exactly what an immature guy would do. Don’t beg and plead anymore, you’ve already done that, and yes, when someone first breaks up begging tends to push them further away, but that’s water under the bridge. She also said the gift giving made her uncomfortable, so don’t shower her with gifts. She needs genuine caring and support for her aspirations and dreams. You don’t need to initiate a long drawn out discussion about the possibility of a reconciliation. That would be up to her since she is the one who broke up with you and also her decision if she wants to reunite into a loving monogamous relationship with you again or not. If she doesn’t want it, you have to respect her choice. If she gives you another chance, make her happy in the ways you know you didn’t before. Casual light hearted texting with her doesn’t seem appropriate at this time because she expressed a desire to have a talk and that’s what you should respond to. Who knows what she will say, you don’t, and don’t try to guess. Just go with the flow and insert your ideas or respond to her questions according to whatever she brings up. Try to work things out in a nice way. You’ve had four months to work on yourself and I bet she’s aware of some improvements already:)
Good luck

15

Water under the bridge now, but I know she intentionally did not respond to me yesterday. I know because she looked at my snapchat story later in the day.

How do you suggest I bring this up? I am not really sure how to do it. I don’t want to necessarily talk about ‘us’ and the relationship. I feel like that will only justify her more to reject me again. But, if she truly wants to ‘talk’ I am not sure how to go about doing this. Should I try to engage her with a light text and then ask when a good time to call her would be?

16

Don’t mention that you want to talk about you and her, what happened happen for reason and it end for reason, so if she accept to go out with you somewhere dont ever bring it up, it will cost more damge, if she talk about it tell her things happen for reason but you are now sure how things are and you know your self better, you have changed for good and past is past you are here to enjoy your self with her,

Hope that may help give atleast ideas

Good luck

17

I had originally thought of trying to reach out to her today. I was going to try to call her. I wanted to see if we could grab a drink or some food. Just to meet. Have fun.

I am not sure if I should though given what happened yesterday.

18

Dont bring anuthing with you more fun, she would think you invited her to ask about things and thats no good, if you wanna go out , just start fresh

19

No, don’t engage her with a light text. She might stop responding in the middle of it again. Send a short text and say, “The other night you mentioned having a talk. When would be a good time to call you?” or “The other night you mentioned having a talk. What do you want to talk about?” or “Would you like to meet somewhere to have the talk you mentioned the other night?” Listen to what she says and don’t bring up the relationship unless she does, then take it from there…
If you ignore the fact that she wanted to have a talk, you might miss an opportunity to get a better understanding of how she feels about you.
If she ignores the fact that she wanted to have a talk, dismisses it, or just seems to want light conversation or go out to enjoy some time together, just go with the flow and have fun.

20

Do you suggest then, trying to call her tonight? Or should I wait?

It is funny, I am seeming to get varying degrees of advice from everyone. A lot of people are saying I need to wait for her to contact. I don’t know how successful that will be. She really has never shown the desire to contact me first.

Some are saying that I just need to forget her forever. Remove her from my life. Sure, it might come to that. I have always known that is a possibility.

Patricia, I don’t mean this an insult, but you are the first to tell me that I basically need to have a talk about the ‘relationship’ in earnest. My own hesitation on this is basically it is making me look like I am the one wanting the relationship still. I am nervous that is seems like desperation is oozing out of me by doing this.

I am just curious: Why do you think she was serious when she said we should talk later? The words seemed empty to me, but it could just be my state of mind.