My complete story in brief, advice TIA?

reconciliation
1

I am 32 she is 28 and we live in the middle east

So ill start with the break up and summarise as much as possible.

My ex broke up with me the day after telling me i was everything she ever wanted. She decided to call me the day after and tell me that the trust she tried to rebuild after shouting at her boss and getting verbal when i am drunk and irrational, cannot be repaired.MArch

I accepted this for a few days and decided to give her some space, then i got drunk one weekend and showed up at her apartment, this continued for 3 weeks and it completely made her feel unsafe in her house i let my self on some occasions. which i am ashamed of.April

So i decided to hand over her birthday presents to her friend and wished her a happy birthday, then i decided to head back to the uk so she could relax on her bday weekend. I also ordered flowers which didnt get a good reaction i went overbored and they where to much, which she said. Then she said i have to leave her alone as she cannot move on with me still in her life.

I initiated NC at this point or she did who knows, i went 3 weeks NC and i had been pretty ill and was waiting for hospital appointments. She called me and insisted she would come with me as she cares how I am. She came with me to the hospital and we got on like a house on fire. The week followed with lunch flirting ad texting jokes back and forth, she even helped me with my cv as i had also just lost my job.

At the end of that week she contacts me from the airport at 6am saying the dress i got her for her birthday was amazing fitted perfect and could be a wedding contender. i then didn’t hear anything for 4 days whilst she got home, then she calls me saying she was having trouble with a friend and had i told anyone the secret she told me, she knows i would never do that. she apologises sent xxs then nothing for a few days, she then texts me saying something reminded her of me and she smiled. In the mean time her best friend is saying that she thinks we will get back together etc and she is happy we are talking again.

Then i talk to her about her trip to london and the guy i suspect she maybe with from work lives there, she got cagey and flippant and said she had to go. from this point two weeks ago she has become very cold.

She returned last week, after hearing nothing for over a week. She messages me at night time asking me if i am inside her apartment. I prove that I am not, i don’t even get an apology. this is whe i find out that she has also deleted all of our mutual friends from face book.

I am at a loss to what i should do now, i started nc again last week.

With her friend telling me again today that she saw my ex looking at my photos the other day.

Any advise i tried to keep it as short as possible.

J

2

Bump

3

Hey JB, it sounds like you certainly did some damage after the break up and the sort of drinking antics you describe are really bad for a woman I would think (I am sure you know this). Also, reacting to her possibly being with another man when you are not together does not put you in a good light. HOWEVER, she still contacted you and seemed to show direct/indirect interest in you following all these things.
I would go NC for a while and in this time really look to improve yourself. I would imagine that the temptation to drink over there is quite great but you seem to be someone that reacts badly to it? During the NC time I would not get drunk in any shape or form, get fit get healthy and if she gets another guy react positively. I can assure you that will have a greater effect. All these self improvements, you have identified yourself in other threads, can be leaked (subtly) over social media. I believe, in what you described, that she needs to see someone that isn’t a threat or going to react badly to certain situations or when drunk before she comes back.

NB: this new you will need to continue even when you get back together so hit it hard my friend, and make a serious effort to change. If you really want her, then you will do this.

I should mention that I haven’t been drunk for over 2 months since I split with me ex for these very reasons! Hope this helps

4

@fredshed1

I tried to keep it really brief, so to answer some of your points. I have stopped drinking and really using this site and close friends to help rationalise a few things.

I didn’t really accuse her of seeing someone just all weird behaviour leads to that thought process.

I have seen a marked improvement in my self I am just at the stage now where I don’t get why she tells her friend she knows the me I was that week and other stuff. Then goes radio silence and accuses me of being at her house. Almost a week nc now. Just worried the longer it all goes on the more she drifts.

5

I don’t think so mate, maybe these are tests to tell if you are really changing? You don’t appear to reacted in the way that your ‘old self’ would, so it can only be doing good. IMO a lot of these things (by weird behavior, you mean her behavior I assume?) are designed to illicit a response. You reacted before, you are not reacting now. Be warned, if this is the case the ‘tests’ could get worse. Just be cool, you’ve got a good head on your shoulders, kill her with the calm, silence. A week is nothing! I went 5 weeks, and I still feel like I reached out too early.

6

I wish I could help lol, but I am no position lol.

She is replying that’s the main thing, maybe takes a while for her to warm back up.

7

If what you say is accurate, it seems like someone caught her attention and she is thinking that there’s someone better for her. A good thing is, she didn’t go behind your back. She left. I have respect for this woman because of that, and because she knows what is good for her. Now, it is your turn to show her that you can be good for her.
Change doesn’t come quickly. We can all feel like we have changed when we are in the thick of heartache and regret. But what happens when we get comfortable again? When we know we have them and once again become complacent; stopping all improvement?
My advice is this: She is threatened by you, but her actions state that she has conflicting feelings. Let her forget the negative actions by you going NC. She will miss you! I promise. If you go NC, you should seek whatever enlightment you need to in order to fix yourself. Figure out why you behave the way you do. Basic counseling can help wonders! And no, they will not label you crazy for being human. Go NC, discover yourself, change what you need to, try new things… And in the meantime, she will wonder about you. She will miss you. And when you reappear, she will (if all goes well) look at you differently.

Tell her you need time and space, if and when she contacts you. I would recommend a few months of NC. Usually the worse the breakup, the longer the NC.
Do not have fears that she will forget about you. Instead, have hope she will forget the bullshit you brought to the table.

Emotional vulnerability is key here. You have to be a person that can make her feel safe.
Good luck to you.

8

Enlightenment*

9

I agree with what your saying, been wondering did someone help her along the way to her decision. As the night before she was up all night on her phone.

Then the old phone call to bin it off.

I have been speaking to someone since the split and increased the visits after I didn’t react so well to heartbreak.

I like I keep saying I just don’t get the major hot and then cold again recently.

I suppose I am looking for an answer no one can give. It’s just good to see other people’s views.

10

JBURG that is exactly how I feel - there are no logical answers, but I have started understanding that perhaps there never are. Just be cool, I reckon you got this one in the long run.

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Let’s hope so, I am not going charging in like a bull in a chine shop. So think that’s why she accused me last week.

Today has thrown a spanner in the works, I have been offered two interviews for two jobs in Dubai.

Makes complete business sense for me to move.

12

Oh there are no logical answers. And more often thsn not, our exes cant give us answers themselves. It’s part of why it can be unhealthy to stay in contact with a new ex. We might find ourselves asking questions that cant be answered, and then anger might ensue.

The hot and cold behavior is the confusion she is having. It is important to remember that just because she broke up with you, doesnt mean she isnt having a hard time. Dont let her donthat to you though. Dont be around for whenever she needs a pick me up etc.

Dont let guilt and regret allow you to be a doormat. She is not entitled to wipe her feet on you! So be assertive and confident… Tell her you need time and space to figure yourself out. That you will reach out to her when you feel ready. And begin your journey.

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Sorry for typos. I text quickly and make mistakes!

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I pretty much did that to a T LABound, I felt like I needed time and that I only wanted us back properly, not in half measures. I am starting to feel ready now, I actually feel great physically and far better mentally. I have also been offered a great job so must be emitting positive vibes :slight_smile: :slight_smile: :slight_smile:

Time will tell if I am successful or not!

15

It’s amazing how us guys get better and calls get worse most of the time.

Questions why we need all these games, if you love someone make it work if not tell them to let you go.

16

Fred, great job! It’s awesome that there are positives things happening for you!

Jburg,

Unfortunately, the powers that be thought life needed complications. Love and attraction are complex. Then, add in how society wires both men and women, and how popular culture shapes our attitudes as we grow up and mature, it’s no wonder things can’t be as simple as “if we love and care for each other, let’s make it work”. Like you, I feel like it should be that easy. That’s how I viewed my former relationship. Nine years was a marriage to me. No, we weren’t married, but my commitment was known. It wasn’t something she shouldn’t have thrown away (multiple times). If there is any love and attraction (which there is for both people in my case) work should be applied and things can get better. But reality smacked me in the face pretty hard, friend. Love and attraction… Life in general isn’t simple. If it was, there would be no lessons to learn. And I view life as a classroom. We are all better for the lessons…

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It wasn’t something she should have* thrown away.

18

Really thought this one was it, but riddles with past issues that where boxes away. My ex now helped me face them and and could see I was a good person. However I don’t think she wanted to deal with the exposure to me dealing with the issues.

Which kind of isn’t fair.

If she has someone or not, I hope she can one day let someone in. Because 10 months was enough for me to know. All the major steps where taken by her, she took me home at Christmas to meet the family and friends no BF has ever met the parents. So I don’t get her behaviour now. Thanks guys

19

It’s about emotional vulnerability. She just needs to feel safe with you again.

You might have read or heard about it, but often a partner can fall out of love or want a break if they feel like they’re carrying the other persons baggage. You’d think that as a loving partner, you would carry the weight for each other… But that’s not how everyone is built. Maybe the issues were too heavy on her side. It doesn’t mean she didn’t love you. Or doesn’t love you.
What I’ve found out is that it’s great to encourage and support each other, but always be as capable as possible of carrying your own weight. At the end of the day, it’s no ones job to make us happy. Our partners can if they choose, through various means, but it’s not their job. They have to take care of themselves. I hope you get what I’m saying.

20

I completely get what your saying.

I don’t want this bit to make me sound like a dick.

This week I have thought I need to see how the new me will be received so I went on a date and have a couple more lined up. Past week I also joined tinder, just for attention more than anything.

I am not struggling to get dates or attention. However I just feel totally guilty. Which is making me realise a bit, I want to be with this girl not pour her with love and affection but have food times like we used to.