My complete story in brief, advice TIA?

Breakup Help reconciliation
21

Do you know JBURG, I think that you make a valid point. People are too quick to throw things away these days rather than work on them. It’s like that consumerism mentality, where we just replace rather than fix. The trouble is it isn’t as easy as that with emotional connections so the persons just put themselves into limbo; they don’t want to be with anyone else but feel the only course of action with the incumbent is to walk away. The ‘I love you but I am not in love with you’ scenario used to be something that meant you worked on it, not it seems it’s the trigger to walk away. I am/was in this position, but am not sure if she will decide to work on it or continue to walk away.

However, words from LAbound also resonate with me, up until getting this job offer I was going through a tough time. My career had stalled, we had gone into a Long distance relationship, she had started a new (very testing) job and I just started getting down. She def would have felt me as baggage at a time when she was having a tough time too. Add in the distance and it was a perfect storm to break up.

Over the passed two months of min contact (5 weeks of NC) things have turned around. Only time will tell if she decides to come back to what was a fantastic relationship.

22

I hoe she does and good luck, as it seems your both heading down the path of induce use lives going well.

So why not try and re-kindle with the positive vibes.

I was doing fine until the hospital week. Where everything seemed really positive.

Like you say time is a great healer and teller.

23

So update from my side guys.

She has broken NC. Not with anything major but I will copy and paste the message below.

Hey, how are you? I’ve got this facewash and a few other bits and bobs of yours - do you want me to leave them at Kemp reception for you? X

Not sure what to do now, as I was at the point of writing a letter. To try and get a meeting to finally say tell me what you want because I am happy to walk away now.
The only “bits and bobs” is a hoody of mine not sure what else she could have, maybe a few cards she has given me.

So not sure what to read, she is using this as the final closure for her.
Or is she reaching out.

24

Hey Jburg, it sounds like it could be a reach out to me, what’s your instinct tell you? For me ‘bits and bobs’ tend to be collateral damage, not things you would necessarily contact your ex about. If she didn’t care enough then she would wait for you to contact her IMO. The only negative could be that she is trying to cancel you out of her life, but I don’t sense this from her words. Why don’t you say to meet for a coffee/handover, at least you could get some face time then.

I tried to call my ex over the weekend. It feels like 6 weeks of NC is enough and now the lack of contact is doing more harm than good now. She didn’t answer, and didn’t call back. Feel like life really sucks now. I desperately want to tell her about my new job (in her city) and start to build a closeness again. I’m starting to wonder if she has moved on to someone else. I still miss her terribly, she is the one I still want to share all my news with.

Let me know how it goes

25

I ended up messaging her yesterday anyway suggesting coffee. Said ahh forgot about that stuff how about I come grab it and we meet for a coffee/green tea.

She said she was busy all week, how about the weekend?

It was left that she will come back to me if she is free on Friday.

Maybe with your ex message her saying your in town, would be good to catch up. A phone call can’t be processed and can cause panic.

I am fully prepared to walk away now, however if I don’t at least ask her if there is a chance I will never know.

26

Mate, she proposed the weekend? Heck, that’s good. I’m glad.

I’m pretty sure my-ex didn’t see the call but I am disappointed she didn’t call back. I feel mugged off. Yeah, I know what you mean. The thing is I go to draw lines in the sand and say, ‘right its time to move on’, but I feel like I am kidding myself. I feel like I would only keep that up for some time :s

27

I think it’s about control for her and have a feeling she has moved on with someone. Nothing is confirmed so we will see if she contacts me.

I will be asking her if there is any sort of chance if we agree a way forward. As either way I need to know. I had a job offer in another country today so I have a fresh start waiting.

28

Wow, does she know this? I hope she is in a position to be honest with herself, I think women sometimes struggle with this. I find it difficult to base things on what they are thinking as they can be 100% it’s not going to happen and then two weeks later be on the phone crying! I guess you have to be careful in how you decide things here too, but I really do think the fact she is meeting you is good. Control or not, she could easily control the situation by not seeing you. Maybe you are thinking the worst, I know I am doing that at the moment. In my mind, she has moved on, doesn’t give a hoot about me, thinks I am a saddo, knows I am desperate to see her etc etc.

I may try to call once more in a day or two and if I don’t get an answer then, send a text. I really value her friendship and would hate to not be able to contact her once in a while.

29

I do agree with you, but we all have a point of breaking. Fact is I would do anything to be with girl, I had a connection like no one else. She is just very immature emotionally, so she needs to see that she doesn’t have to spare my feelings and be honest with me. I am prepared to walk away with the caviate that if she ever decides what she wants. That would be the only reason to contact me.

I get the slowly slowly process, however I am not in a country where I can out my life on hold.

I think you should text mate, use the call as and ice breaker. Say tried to call the other as am in town or whatever.

Given what happened with my ex a month ago I don’t take meeting as a positive as she did it then went cold again.

30

If you want to do some homework, try googling Relationship Rewind (you may need to add Step 1, 2, 3 to the end to find the specific pdf’s). Given what you may be confronted by on the weekend there is a good bit in Step 2 that talks about what to do if she has moved on to someone else.

Can’t remember the timeline but did she go cold even though you had acted well, or did she go cold after an altercation by you?

31

I have that book but don’t really get it.

She went cold when she was at home and after she told me she was thinking about me. She went to meet her “friend” in London.

32

Hi guys,

So after telling me she will get back to me regarding meeting friday, i have made provisional plans. Well i don’t really expect her to come back to me to be honest.

My plans have changed so i would be free all weekend now, however she doesnt need to know that.

My question is guys, i know i said i want see if there is any sort of chance blah blah.

I seem to be struggling with how i should act, i love the girl and still want to be with her, however i am becoming cold to the situation now. I cannot be bothered to make the effort any more.

So how should i act, what do i do of she asks me if i have been on a date. do i reciprocate the question.

TIA

33

Hmm, I would go with your gut on that one. It may be that “I’m not ready to go on a date, I am too busy and enjoying a self-improvement phase” response might be more impressive. Kind of, do what she’s not expecting maybe? The new you!

I know exactly how you feel about the lack of contact, it is the same for me. I guess this is how people deal with things sometimes. Comms with my ex have been very difficult, one sided…

I texted last night and while I got a response, it was not great. On telling her about the new job in her city she said, “That’s a bit weird but suppose its not my place anymore, Happy for you tho”

So I pushed for a catch up, saying that a face to face chat would be better, and I got, “It’s a lot to take in, I’m trying to move on and it will be weird, I don’t want it to be awkward. It just feels messed up”

So not great but I am just trying to calibrate how bad that is, what do you think?

The thing is JB, IF you have a limited amount of time where you are - fight for her. I mean, at least have some sort of communication. Anything is better than the silence (after NC period). Don’t show any anger, only friendship, be fun and don’t ask for anything in return.

I had an ex who cheated on me, went off with someone else and (stupidly) I begged her back. And she came. I shouldn’t have but what I am trying to demonstrate is that anything can be reversed. Sometimes, a subtle fight is needed. You are your best counsel but maybe if you can open up more friendly comms you can build it from there? Like me, I am not sure the distance is doing any good now? What you think (on both our situations! :slight_smile: )

34

It’s a tough one isn’t it, at least she has been honest with you I suppose.

Just get your life on track sounds like a good move career wise for you.

My situation I can’t call it I know what I want and as selfish as that sounds. I have to run with that, I can’t please her all the time now.

I have u actually been on any dates although have one the day before we are supposed to meet.

It hard for here I am sure just starting a business leaving her security of a 5 year job etc. however surely you need as much love and support in that time. Her messaging what she did could be her closure of giving me the stuff back who knows.

I think with you the balls with her now. Just try and get on with things, you have showed your cards.

35

I think the crux of it is maybe she can’t afford to risk anything (starting her own business), and maybe she sees/saw you as an extra burden. Quite understandably, having made a very brave decision, she is being very protective of her situation. Bullet proof almost. I guess you have to get through that with kindness, support and friendship. If you really do live up to being a support through this time, I am sure the good stuff will follow. The question is whether you have the patience for that, I don’t mean that badly but just that people can be in different places at certain times in life. She has clearly entered a new phase.

36

Well through this process last time before she went cold I offered her help in finding office space and such like. Advice in who to have complete office works for her. This is my job by the way. She never listened about that ever lol.

I agree with you and think a lot of her decisions have been based on fear, that does she need it now, does she want it, would it be easier with someone she worked with as she wouldn’t have time for me but would them.

I feel for her I really do.

To answer the question I am one of the most impatient people ever that’s why this experience has been a huge learning experience and learning curve for me.

So long answer lol, yes I am prepared to be patient but I kind of need to know is that’s what’s needed.

37

I hear you. I am also well known for my lack of patience - I think it kind of mellows a bit with age. I think the patience will really be tested when she cannot give you any guarantees, guidance or whatever. You may need to work what she wants yourself, its really hard to know and maybe she doesn’t know either. You need to have the face to face with her, the same reason I have been pushing for this with my ex.

From reading my ex’s messages she seems determined to break up but I and others, independently believe there are external sources at play. She seems to be in a state of mental conflict and wants the silence to persevere with the break up. I believe her friends and family are probably supporting this too. The last few times I have seen her she has started calm, controlled, almost cold but by the end been crying and emotional. I believe she is trying very hard to control her feelings but I don’t think this is necessarily healthy. In the end you cannot cheat your own heart. We’ll see. You can hide behind texts easier than face to face. That is why I believe we both need face time, honesty and truths.

38

Same mate, it’s easy to push away without having emotions of someone in front of you. We ca.n read the situation so much better if they are lying or really closed off.

Let’s hope she doe come back to arrange the meeting. I have however agreed to move to Dubai from qatar.

So I am moving on or making a new life with or without her. I personally think this space would do us good and could reform a less drama living out of each other’s pockets situation.

39

Hello mate,

I’m gonna offer my thoughts one post at a time:

  1. "So after telling me she will get back to me regarding meeting friday, i have made provisional plans. Well i don’t really expect her to come back to me to be honest.

My plans have changed so i would be free all weekend now, however she doesnt need to know that.

My question is guys, i know i said i want see if there is any sort of chance blah blah.

I seem to be struggling with how i should act, i love the girl and still want to be with her, however i am becoming cold to the situation now. I cannot be bothered to make the effort any more.

So how should i act, what do i do of she asks me if i have been on a date. do i reciprocate the question."

I don’t think there’s any harm in you feeling a little colder, in fact it will probably help because as you know part of the problem with these situation is the other person feeling like they have you round their finger and they’re all in control. You being a bit more aloof and seeming less bothered will take that away from her - there is nothing wrong with putting in less effort, especially in this situation, in fact there are plenty of positives because it can force her to confront her own feelings and put in the effort if she realises she is interested and doesn’t like the lack of contact/attention.

I think there is a chance she may still get in touch with you regarding your meet up, but you’re right don’t tell her you’ve made space for it. If you’re feeling really ballsy it might be worth if she comes back and says “Saturday” saying something like “I have plans Saturday but I could do Sunday” - you then give her the impression that you’re not just waiting around for her and are a busy guy and you’re not prepared to shift your plans around for her. I’m not saying you SHOULD do this, but it’s one possible tactic, you’ll have to judge for yourself.

If she asks if you’ve been on a date I would just be honest, it cannot do any harm and if you say that you have then she will realise that you have other options which will again force her to think about what you mean to her etc. and to act or potentially lose you. Personally I wouldn’t ask her if she’s been dating, although it wouldn’t be the worst thing if you did. I think it looks better if you appear not to care too much for the reasons outlined above and it makes you look NOT jealous, but rather strong.

2."It’s a tough one isn’t it, at least she has been honest with you I suppose.

Just get your life on track sounds like a good move career wise for you.

My situation I can’t call it I know what I want and as selfish as that sounds. I have to run with that, I can’t please her all the time now.

I have u actually been on any dates although have one the day before we are supposed to meet.

It hard for here I am sure just starting a business leaving her security of a 5 year job etc. however surely you need as much love and support in that time. Her messaging what she did could be her closure of giving me the stuff back who knows.

I think with you the balls with her now. Just try and get on with things, you have showed your cards."

  1. "Well through this process last time before she went cold I offered her help in finding office space and such like. Advice in who to have complete office works for her. This is my job by the way. She never listened about that ever lol.

I agree with you and think a lot of her decisions have been based on fear, that does she need it now, does she want it, would it be easier with someone she worked with as she wouldn’t have time for me but would them.

I feel for her I really do.

To answer the question I am one of the most impatient people ever that’s why this experience has been a huge learning experience and learning curve for me.

So long answer lol, yes I am prepared to be patient but I kind of need to know is that’s what’s needed."

I’ve lumped the two above together. I think there may be some weight to the theory that if she is starting a new business she perhaps cannot cope with the added stress of relationship issues - not so much having a relationship and the support it offers, but the complex ins-and-outs of re-establishing something with someone you’ve already been with. I would think giving her space when she needs it is a good idea. I would not offer to help her too much though because of how that can be read - I did that with my ex offering to help her with everything and I think that just made her feel like she had me and could do whatever she pleased and I was no challenge. I don’t think women really want you to do everything for them.

40

Thanks mate