Mixed Signals/ Blowing Hot and Cold

reconciliation
1

Hey there,

My ex-boyfriend broke up with me 6 weeks ago. We broke up over a trust issue, because I had been sexually abused a year ago (which he has known about since it happened). Ever since, the trust had slowly depleted. I didn’t beg or plead, I was slightly upset but accepted it. He said he would still come to uni to visit me in 3 weeks’ time as ‘friends’, but we couldn’t be a couple. We ended up having sex about 30 minutes after he broke up with me. We were together for 19 months. He is 28 and I am 21. I was his first girlfriend and he lost his virginity to me. For the first year, our relationship was amazing. He said that he had been very picky on choosing a girlfriend and was waiting for the right person. He called me his ‘one and only’ throughout the relationship and also said things like ‘you have no idea how long I have waited to find you.’

2 weeks after breaking up he started calling me asking about a concert we had booked to go to that same night, and said he wasn’t planning on going if I didn’t want to see him. He asked me whether I wanted him to board the train to get to the venue it was at. I said I didn’t think we should see each other just yet. I had come to realise over those 2 weeks apart that the ‘being friends’ thing would be a bad move.

A week later, we got talking on Facebook, he went out with a friend later that night, and then started calling me up 4 hours after the conversation asking me to come and meet him inbetween our houses. I agreed and we spent about 4 hours together, just lying on the grass and it felt magical again. Stupidly, thinking that everything was back to normal, I messaged him the next day asking if he wanted to do anything with me. He asked me if I would like to go out for a coffee. He came to pick me up. When we got there, he said he had been thinking about me all night. He said he was nervous in both a good and bad way because he didn’t know if he should be there or not. I asked why, and he said ‘I don’t know what I want’. He said there are times when he really wants to be with me again and times when he doesn’t. He said that he was a little scared of me and me hurting him again, and that he needed time and space to think about what he wants. I told him that I didn’t want to be friends, that I loved him and wanted to work things out, and to call me if he changes his mind.

I went into no contact after that, expecting never to hear from him again. Two weeks later, I got a message on Facebook at 10:00 pm the same night he had got back from a brief holiday to Amsterdam. It read ‘hey how are you?’ After getting no reply for 20 minutes, he sent me a text saying ‘are you about? X’. I didn’t reply and waited until 4:30 pm the next day. I sent a text saying ‘yeah I’m doing great, thanks for asking x’. He replied on Facebook and started asking me how I was doing. I asked him why, to which he said ‘I just wanted to hear from you’. I replied ‘I’m either in your life romantically or not at all.’ He said ‘ok, well I’ve been told, I’ll only contact you under those circumstances from now on.’ However, we ended up continuing to talk on Facebook for 2 hours after that message, he was flirting with me and saying things such as ‘together we will conquer the world’, calling me ‘beautiful’ (old pet name), reminiscing about old memories and telling me he missed my smile.

That was a week ago, and I have gone back into NC since then. I have been moving on with my life over the past couple of weeks, but I am confused by his actions. Why would someone who was a bit scared of me make attempts to contact me? I am confused about what’s going on. Do you think that he will only contact me for reconciliation purposes from now on or that he will message me for similar purposes as those mentioned above again? He has had 3 weeks of time and space to think. I was planning on not responding to any future attempts he may or may not make to reach out unless they are important.

Any thoughts/replies would be greatly appreciated :slight_smile: xx

2

Anyone? Any replies/insights would be greatly appreciated! Xx

3

Am not sure i get the reason why you guys broke up? If you were sexually abused then why is he having trust issues? You were the victim right? If anything, a partner (that too 28yrs old fellow) should be there for you with more trust than ever to help you get past it and make life better again.

Cos if this is really the case then I think he is yet to mature in a relation (you mentioned it is his first). Physical infatuation lasts for some time in a first relation always since lots to explore. Emotional connect is tested during such trials. If he is blowing hot and cold then it is better for you to let him go. Am suggesting all of this based on the fact that he isnt trusting the victim (you) of a sexual abuse here.

4

Hi amcee, thank you for your response.

I think it may be because he doesn’t altogether believe me. There was also an instance where a colleague at work fancied me and tried to kiss me, which I told my ex about the same night it happened. The fact the colleague tried to do that angered my ex and got on his nerves. He said ‘it should never have gotten to that stage in the first place’.

The main thing I don’t understand is why he reached out to after 2 weeks of no contact and was being romantic with me, when he was the one who dumped me?! I haven’t spoken to him in a week and a half and I miss him everyday. I have no idea if he feels the same way.

5

I really do feel that he was right for me despite his lack of experience in relationships. I’m not sure where to go from here and whether I have been doing the right thing by going no contact, and waiting for him to initiate contact again (if he ever does).

6

Although he dumped you
I’d say he still wants you and likes you
He must be finding it very difficult that the girl he lost his virginity to has now been abused
Maybe he thinks you’re to blame
I’m not sure really
But I’d maybe just keep with no contact
Or just say if you want to fix things then let’s talk

7

Hi Prod98, thank you for your reply.

A week before he broke up with me (7 weeks ago), he said he loves me but isn’t in love with me anymore, and that I have his body but not his heart.

I told him the last time I saw him (a month ago) that he should contact me if he changes his mind and wants to try again. He started crying and said ‘this is horrible’, and said ‘you’re an incredible woman’ and ‘thank you for being you’.

When he reached out to me almost 2 weeks ago I told him I was either in his life romantically or not at all.

Do I have a chance? :frowning:

8

The trust issue is coming from his end @Anon1236 and there is very little you can do about it. Does he think that you didnt stop your colleague at work (assuming he was flirting on a day to day basis) and/or encouraged his flirting too and that is why the colleague tried to kiss you?

In this case even you need evaluate whether did you encourage your colleague’s behavior or were you totally unaware about his intentions. You dont need to reply over here to this question but think about it yourself. If you did not see it coming and did not encourage it knowingly then you’re doing the right thing by giving your ex his space to clear his head. But if you believe you MIGHT have led the colleague to believe that his flirting is okay then there are bigger problems to solve.

If you are someone who doesnt mind light flirting I can understand and I dont judge you for it. That being said, you’ve to know where to draw the line if this guy is important to you. May be let people like your colleague know that you’re in a serious relation so they also are aware where to draw a line (for future reference that is), introducing your guy if possible, keeping him in the loop as to what happens so he doesnt feel disconnected, etc

He somewhere feels that you must have encouraged the colleagues behavior and thats why he is hurt and keeping distance. If that is not the case then please clarify so may be I can better understand and suggest something. If that is indeed the case then more than NC you might have to sit with him, talk it out, figure a solution to this and then see whether NC is worth going for after you’ve laid down all your points in front of him.

This is a case of miscommunication which has led to mistrust. These are early stages and it can be fixed soon. Key word is “fixed” and not bypassed. Even if you guys do manage to get back together without addressing this issue trust me there is a very high chance it will come back again and blow up in a bigger way. Am not saying dont get back.

Please clarify if you dont mind as to why exactly isnt he trusting you.

Good luck!

9

Hey amcee,

I told the colleague the first time I ever spoke to him on Facebook that I had a boyfriend but that didn’t stop him pursuing me. I was never more interested in him than a friend. When he tried to kiss me, I pushed him away. I met up with him twice outside of work for a drink but only because we used to talk about computer games from our childhood which only he remembered and nobody else. We had stuff in common which I enjoyed talking about. My ex-boyfriend interpreted this as me trying to make him jealous. It was a difficult situation from my end because I don’t form friendships with girls very easily, so all of my friends are male. My ex-boyfriend knows this.

10

I think I can understand what you’re trying to convey. You’ve got to realize in all of this that your BF (currently ex) will have a problem with this even in the future if you guys dont come up with a solution how to deal with this. He is probably feeling insecure and it will only keep growing if not handled asap.

Am not sure what would be a good solution considering you’re 21 and will definitely meet a lot of people, both sexes, and might connect with them on different topics too. Him, may be he is settled in a job or will soon get settled in one and life becomes more or less a routine for him. I can suggest make him feel secure by having a good communication channel. Let him know about people (guys in particular here it seems) whom you talk to or meet. This not only gives him a reason to feel secure but also help you cos it will show if he really had this one insecurity or he is someone who will never trust you no matter how hard you try.

This depends on how much you really want this to work cos trust me insecurities take up a LOT of time and effort to deal with. Right now it is very easy to handle this right at the onset but if you guys end up getting back without resolving this then its a big risk you’re taking.

That being said, your situation can do more good with one open and honest discussion about his insecurity and thereafter you can decide if NC will help if he still doesnt open up to his insecurities and talks openly.

Good luck!

11

I just sent him this message on Facebook:

I feel very misunderstood. I endeavoured to be honest with you throughout our relationship. I AM sincere, genuine and trustworthy. Those two times I went out for drinks with the guy from work, we talked about computer games from our childhood and music the whole time, I only met up with him because he remembered those games and I enjoyed reminiscing about them. The first time I ever spoke to him on Facebook I told him I had a boyfriend. The time he tried to kiss me was AT WORK on Motown Night, I pushed him away before he could and told you the same night then blocked him on Facebook. You already know that I don’t befriend women easily, and I get on better with men. I was never interested in him as more than a friend. I WAS NOT trying to make you jealous, I wanted friendship with people and people to talk to other than you so that you didn’t feel under pressure to carry the whole of that responsibility.
I know a thing or two about holding a man’s attraction and how to keep things exciting. In my attempts to keep you interested and to not let the relationship fall into monotony, you misinterpreted that as playing games. I can quite safely say that was not my intention in my head at the time. Most of the men who messaged me when I was yours I used to ignore and not respond to. It seems to me that in my attempts to befriend people, they end up liking me as more than a friend and the whole thing gets blown out of proportion. Whenever I talked to people in conversation, I ALWAYS made it clear from the get-go that I had a boyfriend.

12

Better to have a face to face conversation.
Discuss the insecurities and come up with a concrete solution as to how you guys can address it if possible.

Even after the discussion if he is still unsure then go NC without informing him. Without an open communication and following NC what might happen is that both of you might miss each other and get back without really resolving the issue. Insecurities are a MAJOR ISSUE if not addressed on time. DO NOT take them lightly. It takes a lot of time and effort to address these.

Good luck!

13

I’m really in a bad place right now. It’s been almost seven weeks since the break up and one month since I last saw him. It isn’t getting any easier, as more time passes I find myself thinking about him more :cry: I don’t know what to do

14

Have you been in touch with him over text or calls?
Dont send any more needy messages. If someone is being so adamant then it is advisable to give them their space and you move on with your life. Use social media to show them you are happy. Dont try to make them jealous by posting pics with just guys (unless you have to or want to). The purpose is to make him realize what he is missing out on. Even if then he doesnt feel like communicating then you need re-evaluate if this relation is worth working so hard for alone.

Some sensitive people do take a lot of time when their insecurity comes to the fore but if this is the ONLY issue between you two then 7 weeks is an awful lot of time and by now he should have shown the maturity in having a constructive dialogue. Avoiding such a dialogue shows immaturity on his part.

Thinking about him isnt wrong. But if you end up forgetting who you are in the process then do you think he’ll come back to this needy person? Please know that men like to see confidence in a woman. Sensitive men will easily get hurt, will misconstrue events in their own heads, wont communicate openly, will come back to their senses after calming down.

If he isnt showing maturity then you have to. Go NC for a week to begin with. DO THINGS which you like to do. Remembering him isnt a crime but not working on your self improvement will be a big mistake. You’re young and should not have trouble finding motivation to pick yourself up from such a small situation. Dont inform him you doing NC. Be active with friends and family. Enjoy your holidays. Its a bad cycle when you keep sulking. Start doing small things everyday you like, may be go for a run, listen to good music (not the heartbreak types please), read a little, give work some more time, make new friends, call up old friends just to say hi… there are a thousand ways to keep you occupied but if you choose self-pity then no one can do anything dear. Trust me this is a small issue right now and if you handle your emotions right then he’ll come to you for a dialogue.

15

Let me just clarify the timeline of events:

9th October: Broke up with me and said there was no going back this time, we couldn’t be an item anymore, too much had happened, wanted to stay friends. He said ‘you’re beautiful, sexy, intelligent, fun, exciting, confident, and caring but the trust is gone’. Said he wouldn’t be in touch for a while. Then we had sex 30 mins later, he agreed to come visit me at university but as ‘friends’ - which would involve sleeping in the same bed together though?! He said we could top and tail. We agreed to next see each other in 2 weeks’ time for a concert we had already booked. He said I could message him during the upcoming week if I wanted to.

17th October: I messaged him and told him about the improvements I had been making. I told him I thought we should go to the concert separately. He was quite cold and unemotional.

22nd October: He started calling me and messaging me asking what I wanted to do with my ticket for the concert (he was the ticket-holder). Said he wanted to drop it round personally even though my parents had previously offered to collect it from his house. They eventually did collect it off his Mum.

24th October: Day of the concert. He started calling me to ask where I was, I told him I was already at the venue so he said he would quickly get ready and get to the train station. There was a misunderstanding surrounding this event, he thought when I said ‘we should go separately’ that I meant travel separately only and meet at the venue and attend the concert together. He sent me several texts asking if I wanted him to board the train or not, and said ‘I wasn’t planning on going if you didn’t want to see me’. I said it would be best if we saw each other some other time. I told him it was up to him and if he wanted to see the live act, he said he wasn’t fussed. Sounded a bit annoyed on the phone that I didn’t want to see him/ wouldn’t be seeing him that night. We ended the conversation with him saying ‘I hope you have a lovely evening, see you soon’

28th October: I messaged him on Facebook explaining about improvements I had made. We spoke for about an hour just catching up then he had to go to meet up with his friend at the pub. He said that I had an ‘awful lot to offer a man’. He was a lot warmer than he had been during our previous conversation on Facebook on 17th October. I said ‘see you sometime soon? X’ at the end of the conversation, he said ‘maybe tomorrow? I’ll see how I feel tomorrow and whether I feel comfortable x’. I replied ‘ok, that’s fine, have a wonderful evening x’

4 hours later: I got a phone call off of him saying he was near our houses and wanted to me to come out and meet him. He was drunk and high. We lay on the grass in a field near our houses for 4 hours, it was magical, everything felt right again. He treated me like I was his girlfriend. He held hugs and kisses for longer than I did.

29th October: I messaged him at 3 pm asking if he wanted to do something with me today (since I was going back to university the next day). He asked me if I would like to go for a coffee. I went to it not expecting to talk out our relationship and to just have fun. Once we were seated, he said ‘I was thinking about you all night’. It was during this conversation that he said he didn’t know what he wanted. He said there are times when he really wants to be with me and times when he doesn’t out of self-respect. At the end of this conversation I told him I loved him, didn’t want to be friends. If he wanted me, he knew where I was, but in the meantime I was going to move on with my life. He broke down crying and said ‘this is horrible’. He was more upset than I was. We kissed passionately, said goodbye and I walked away. He called me an incredible woman and said ‘thank you for being you’. He said ‘keep shining’. I told him I would.

13 November: I received a message off him on Facebook saying ‘hey how are you’ and a text saying ‘are you about? X’. I didn’t respond until 4:30 pm the next day. I replied by text, but he replied to that on Facebook (he wanted a proper conversation). He was asking me questions about my life, I asked him why he was contacting me. He said ‘I just wanted to hear from you’. We didn’t discuss the relationship apart from reminiscing about old memories. The whole conversation was romantic and he was treating me like his girlfriend (see original post).

24 November: I sent the message posted earlier in this thread explaining the incidents with the other guys on Facebook Messenger.

16

He doesnt want to get back cos of self-respect??? Am not able to understand this.

17

Maybe out of self-respect because he thinks I am going to hurt him again? Or because I have already hurt him too much?

18

Having said that, he has caused me a lot of pain through breaking up with me, yet I haven’t given up on him/us

19

Sorry @Anon1236 am having a really hard time in figuring out how exactly have you hurt him? This is a first relation for him and he has to be open to communication if he really wants to work on it.

You managed to shove off the guy who tried to kiss you so I think you avoided the situation just on time!
Am really not able to understand what exactly has hurt him. Am not sure if this is some kind of 10th century self-righteous behavior getting into him or what.

I would suggest ask straight if he wants to have a conversation about the issue or else my advice is go NC indefinite without informing. If you fall weak then you’ll never be able to get hold of this situation.

20

This behavior is VERY odd and I believe you need to re-evaluate are ready to deal with this kind of behavior even after you guys get back?

This is not something that goes away in one discussion. It goes away after experiencing different situations and him putting the effort to learn and grow from it.