a) Playing games by trying to make him jealous by meeting up with other guys during the summer months of this year - I DON’T AGREE WITH THIS (as explained in the message I sent to my ex yesterday)
b) Encouraging the guy who abused me to take advantage of me. It took me two months to tell my ex what happened after the sexual abuse incident. My ex thinks I should never have gotten into his car in the first place that day. I showed my ex all of the messages on Whatsapp I ever had with that guy on the same day the abuse happened. It clearly showed me telling him I had a boyfriend, wanted nothing more than friendship, and me asking him to promise he wouldn’t try to make a move on me. - I DON’T AGREE WITH THIS POINT EITHER
c) Making empty-threats to break up with him during arguments we had towards the end of the relationship - I realise this was wrong on my part and should never have happened. Losing something as important as my ex has prompted me to ensure that I never make this mistake again
@Anon1236, I think this fellow needs to grow up. To be very honest, am not sure if NC will help him but am very sure NC will do you a world of good!!
He is imagining things which never happened and that is going on since quite some time. Its time for you to go NC without informing. I hope you are willing to do that.
He is asking me at the moment on Facebook Messenger what my solutions are to the problems. I have told him these so far:
To not engage in conversations with males online when they contact me, anyone worth knowing I see in real life anyway and they are strictly platonic
To not meet up with anyone who is male, there is really no need - again, the people worth knowing I see in lectures anyway
If someone shows flirtatious signs, make more of an effort to avoid them in real life or block them online
You could have access to my phone and passwords as an extra ‘security measure’ for your own peace of mind so you’re not just taking my word for it. If you are uncomfortable with this because you see it as unhealthy, it could be a temporary measure until more trust has been built or something that you check every once in a while as opposed to regularly
In the past when I was feeling down, you used to ask me if I wanted to talk about it. I could talk to you instead of not telling you and withdrawing
No empty threats about breaking up- I realise this was wrong on my part and should never have happened. Losing something as important as you has prompted me to ensure that I never make this mistake again
Taking small steps at a time
Not forgetting to channel my energies into my own passions in life and my studies, and you likewise, so that I feel more happy and secure and less likely to take anything out on you (this has already taken effect over the past couple of months)
I like the response you have sent. I hope this encourages him to have a face to face dialogue.
Just want to make you aware that here you have given conditions which you will go through to prove yourself. Dont forget to ask him what is it that he is going to do as well to try and put more trust in you.
You might just be happy right now if he agrees and you guys get back but if you havent had anything from him which shows he’ll also be putting efforts to show more trust and communicate like an adult then you’re still in a rocky boat.
I sent the 8 solutions after he put ‘how do you mean? Solutions?’ because I thought that he was asking me to state them…was I right in thinking he was asking for them?
@Anon1236 you have to realize that communication isnt the best aspect of his charisma and i would advise meet up face to face and discuss else this will keep going on. If he is not willing to meet up then just tell him forget it and go NC. Nothing more than this I say will make a difference to your situation.
You’re becoming a doormat here and its not a good sight trust me.
Good luck!
I should probably add that after I sent those 8 solutions, I also put ‘but most of all be fun, light-hearted and not dive into anything head-first’.
He replied at 7:30 pm last night telling me he was busy spending time with his Grandpa and would have more time to talk tomorrow. I replied ‘Ok, have fun xx’
It’s now 4:00 pm and I still haven’t heard anything. This doesn’t look very promising…
So… he got in touch on Saturday night at about 8 pm because he had been doing coursework in the day. We texted each other on Facebook Messenger for 3 hours. We were catching up, there was alot of laughing and joking. He asked me a lot of questions about what was going on in my life, the friends I had made at university and whether I did anything with them outside of lectures. He asked me when I was coming home from university for the Christmas holidays. I told him I was coming back on 17th December (3 weeks time).
At one point in the conversation he said ‘I want you to be happy’. I replied ‘I am happy to some extent but there’s some things missing’. He said ‘what things?’ and I said ‘I think you know’. He said ‘I do’. About 5 minutes later he put ‘perhaps we should talk when you get back home?’. I said ‘I thought you were in Lapland when I come back?’. He said ‘yes but I’ll be back for when you come home’. I told him that I thought he was flying there the day after I got home. He said ‘oh shit, am I?’. He couldn’t remember the exact dates he was going to Lapland.
Later in the conversation, he was telling me how he missed the feel of my skin, my smell, pulling me in close towards him, how I used to tickle his beard. He also said ‘I miss you’.
At the end of the conversation, he said ‘I’m falling asleep, I wish it was on you’. I said ‘so do I’, and he replied with a heart emoji. He said he would message me the next day telling me the dates he was going to Lapland once he had found out when they were, which I was quite surprised by because I didn’t understand why he urgently wanted me to know the dates, seeing as I am home for at least 2 weeks at Christmas so there is plenty of time to see me at any point in that 2 week period. I said ‘awww that would be nice of you’ and he said ‘no problem beautiful’.
The next day in the middle of the afternoon he sent me a message saying he was going to Lapland on the 12th December for 2 nights. He said ‘I don’t know why I told you the 18th?’ I replied 2 hours later once I had seen the message with ‘I don’t know why either!’. He sent an emoticon with its tongue sticking out and we haven’t said anything since (that was yesterday).
I’m not sure what to make of all this. What does he want to talk about when I get home in 3 weeks time? Is this an indication that he doesn’t miss me enough to want to see me sooner? I live at university and he lives at home 90 minutes away, so could it be that he doesn’t want to travel to see me or thinks that if he came to visit he would have to stay the night (which neither of us want at this stage)?
I was planning on not reaching out to him in the next 3 weeks and seeing what he does.
P.S. Just to clarify, when he said ‘perhaps we should talk when you get back home?’ he meant talk face-to-face, seeing as we live a 5 minute walk away from each other
It seems he misses your physical presence.
It happens with many guys. Good for you that he has expressed to meet and talk some time in the future. He might want to talk about how he has been hurt and how he misses you but is scared to be back etc. Basically will want to get back but on his terms. Now it is up to you how you want to handle this.
Based on his behaviour during that conversation, do you think he wants to meet to talk about getting back together or will he say the same old stuff about ‘I don’t know what I want’ etc? I don’t want to meet up and hear him say that again.
However, last time he said he didn’t know what he wanted it was me who initiated the meet-up, not him, so this time the circumstances are different.
He’ll mostly end up talking the same old stuff cos he’ll try to show you how he was the victim to get an upper hand.
You’re giving him the upper hand by time and again engaging in chats, texts regarding the same issue. He surely misses your physical presence, since it is his first relation, the intimacy is a major draw.
You need to evaluate how you want to use the next 3 weeks if you really want it to work out with both of you being honest or to continue the same way and keep dragging it.
NC will be good. If he keeps contacting then keep the conversation non-personal. Ask about regular stuff which doesnt involve emotional discussions.
Also, please try to manage to get your happiness back without needing anyone in your life. Show some confidence and also figure out what exactly do you want from this relationship before meeting.
I can imagine how you must be feeling right now but getting back without resolving issues is NEVER a good idea.
Also, do not assume you’re the only one who is at fault. He seems to be manipulating you into feeling guilty and it is not healthy. Thats what I feel but you know it better.
I have been in a similar situation where my ex would also say she wun talk to any guy, etc when all I would ask her was to only be aware of her interactions but interact with anyone she wanted to. She didnt understand and continued avoiding guys (we were long distance at that point) and in the end felt lonely, no one to talk to, no friends and thus a lot negativity started building up. Here, this guy has to understand it is not the right way to make you sacrifice your social life.
If you still feel that is what you want to do then by all means. I only shared something from my personal experience so may be it can help.
He has said that I should be allowed to talk to whoever I want to in the past (when we were together) and that he doesn’t want me to miss out on having friends because of him. That’s why he never stopped me meeting up with people.
Also when he broke up with me, he said ‘don’t ever think that this is all your fault’.
Because of what happened with the other guy who forced me into sex (in September 2015). This led to his trust in me to dwindle over the next year after it happened. He tried to ‘rebuild the trust but ended up burying it’ in his own words.