I have been following this site and so far it seems everything here is right. Excellent advice.
She left me for another guy. I was needy and put her on a pedestal and I made all the classic mistakes and the breakup was bad.
I sent the elephant in the room after a month. I heard nothing, but soon I sent a followup reply, then finally got to texting for a couple of weeks and a meeting. We had lunch.
During the meeting I told her that I still have feelings for her so please respect that and do not tell me about the guy she was dating. She said she wasn’t going to but then she kept telling me about him.
She has shared everything with this new guy, everything about me, all about our relationship. He even knew she was meeting me for lunch. He seems controlling but she seems to like it. That makes me really uncomfortable and makes me wonder if seeing her again is a good idea.
It’s totally a rebound, so that feels good. It has ALL the earmarks that were listed on this site.
She was nervous and shaking on the date which is good. I thought I did well for a while, but then she then told me that she and her guy are moving in together. She has been seeing him just 2.5 months. I said, WTF? I totally lost my cool there. She is moving too fast. I tried to recover by telling her that I would tell any friend, what’s your hurry, but it felt the damage is done.
Any advice on recovering? Do you think there is a chance here? Should I just not worry and let them move in together or should I do anything to try to stop that.
Just go let her figure it out. Nothing you can say or do to change her mind. it’s way to soon to be moving in with someone. She will see that for herself eventually. work on yourself and become a better version of yourself for the next woman up. Or her in the future. Her wanting to talk about her relationship and moving on so fast shows she’s not over you.
Thanks, you are right she has to figure out this on her own.
I also think she is not over me but yet she is throwing herself at the new guy because she is so desperate to get over me. It is sad and pathetic to see this.
I can think of 3 things I can do but can’t decide what to do.
NC. I have already started NC while I think about what to do and it’s been almost a week so far.
Wait a few days and text her something unemotional, funny or something to get her talking.
Send a message saying I support her decision to move in with the guy. Then say I was worried because her wanting to move fast is not what I would expect, and that I care for her, she’s like a little sister to me now and I want her to be happy.
According to this site I think #2 would be the choice.
However I am getting a weird vibe, she told me during the meeting that she wants to be friends but not if I am a threat. I am feeling that if I am anything but a totally non-threatening guy right now, she is going to say we shouldn’t talk again. Especially since her new guy knows we are in touch and she is probably telling him everything. If I come across as a threat then I think I will lose the battle here totally. For this, #3 seems like it would work, come across as no threat but at the same time do it from a position of power.
Then there is #1, NC for another 30 days, which I am thinking of too, because if she leaves him I don’t want her to think she left him for me. I don’t want to be around so she doesn’t blame me for pulling her away from this relationship. I want her to leave him entirely on her own, then come looking for me.
A question was asked of me on another thread “You guys broke up and got back together againn then broke up again?”
Yes. We were together for over 4 years, split for 8 months, back together for 1.5 and then split again. Those first 4 years were good years. We split because I didn’t put enough into the relationship and although I was blindsided by the split, I knew I wasn’t doing my part. I never did NC that first time or worked on improving myself, I just learned to pay better attention to her and try harder in the relationship. We were apart 8 months during which she dated and when she broke up with a guy she was seeing, that was when she took me back.
It probably made me look needy to try so hard to get her back, and she never respected me much during that last 1.5 years. I think it was because I never went on to improve myself or to recover from the breakup as I am doing this time.
I haven’t contacted her in a week. With advice of friends I am about to do my plan #3 above though.
She responded favorably to my plan #3 and wants to meet me again after the holidays. She said she misses me and is remembering the good things about us.
However, she claims to be deeply in love in the new relationship and has confessed with me something about our relationship. She told me she knew three months before we split that we had to break up.
She said two things. First that she broke up because she didn’t see a future. The second thing she said was that she wasn’t feeling the way she should feel about me. So basically she lost her connection to me. But you know what, I lost it with her too.
Again, she gives me nothing but evidence that this is a rebound. The guy is completely different than me. Plus she told me today that he meets none of the criteria she thought she wanted in a man.
What kind of scares me though is that she essentially told me that the reason she loves the new guy is the deep connection she feels with him. It’s precisely the thing that was missing in ours and I am now realizing is the reason our relationship failed.
This site was perfect at getting me to this point with my ex. It however doesn’t give specifics on what to do now. I think all I can do is just be there on the sidelines in her life and be patient and see what happens. If this works at all it will be a very long process.
I am doing another round of NC. It’s been 10 days, except for a merry Christmas text she sent me, and I replied with just merry Christmas back.
This time it feels different. I think I am falling out of love with her. I am not sure I want to talk to her or see her anymore. I have begun to remember all of the bad about the relationship, and there was a lot of bad. Especially the last year we were together, she became an awful girlfriend. Selfish, disrespectful, cold. I wanted to leave her many times but held on thinking it was a phase, and it wasn’t.
I’m giving it the full 30 days this second time around to see how I feel, and if I am not ready, I’ll let it go indefinitely. I am sure she will send a new year’s text (or maybe she won’t) but if she does I don’t think I will reply.
When I think of her today I only feel a mix of disgust and frustration, if there is a word for that.
You’re starting to see the relationship as it was in reality, not for what you hoped it could be. You understand her faults won’t allow for a long term happy relationship. You’re upset with yourself that you held onto a fantasy so long. This is an advantage of no contact; you’re able to analyze the situation with a clear mind and come to a conclusion as to whether it would be best to let go or not.
I still do not want to talk to her. If I did talk to her now, I probably could not control what I said to her. I would tell her all about how selfish, disrespectful and just plain difficult she was. I would detail everything about her poor behavior that led to the failure of our relationship. It’s best I don’t.
I am feeling better about this relationship being over. It ended badly, with her hating my guts, but by getting back in touch and being friendly, her missing me, her thinking of me in good terms, her not hating me, it feels like now I should just use this opportunity to exit gracefully.
I’m still giving it the full 30 days this time around, and seeing how I feel.
If she’s still seeing the other guy and/or moved in with him, the prospect of reuniting with her are dismal. Especially since she treated you so badly…
I hope and pray you make the best decision for YOU.
I know that the chances are low, at least, with the methods described here. Someone in another thread said that maybe reconciliation is more likely to last after being apart for years, not just a couple of months.
Besides, what I want back is not her. The her of today is awful and I don’t even want to talk to the person she is right now. I want back the person she used to be. She was an amazing girlfriend for the first 4 years.
She has also said she missed the way we used to be and wanted our old relationship back too. For that to happen we both need to change, and I don’t see her doing that.
My second round of NC hit 30 days yesterday. I can’t believe it went so fast.
I went through many phases in this time. The first phase was disgust and the next phase I hated her passionately. The disgust has gone away and although I don’t hate her anymore, I am hesitant to contact her. I am still upset about her selfishness and disrespectful treatment of me the last year-and-a-half we were together. When I think back, I can’t believe I put up with some of that stuff.
It is easy to say I should have stood up for myself, but that is difficult. It was impossible to work anything out with her. It is sad to think about how my feelings for her have deteriorated and how my thoughts of the future have changed. I remember just under two years ago thinking about marriage, thinking of the details of us building a life together. And now I can barely stomach the thought of communicating with her again.
What hasn’t gone away are feelings of physical attraction for her, and missing the way we were during the first 4 years (she was good to me then.) Probably just ask her to lunch, as I don’t really even want to text or talk, if I do anything it will be in person.
At this point, though, I should probably just wait and see if my thought of her get better, because right now, it feels like I should just stay silent.
You’re thinking too much of the past when things were good, but how does that benefit you now? If she’s still dating or living with the other guy, it would be a mistake to ask her out for lunch. But if you want to try, go for it…
One way that thinking of the good times in the past benefits me is to help me have higher standards for future relationships.
I don’t know if she is still dating or has moved in with the other guy. One way to find out is to contact her. I’ll do that today and see what happens.
In my message I brought up good things from the past. She was happy to hear from me and said she missed me. She said she feels the same way about the past when things were good, and said she misses the way we were, and said we should talk about that (whatever that means). She said she wants to talk on the phone and have lunch with me.
However, she suggested she is still with the guy, and that he will know it when we have lunch or talk. Also, from something she said, I have a feeling she wants to put me in the friend zone. I suppose time will tell what happens here.
You two broke up twice already, but I’m sure she still cares about you in some way… She’s been with the new guy about 4 months now and feelings between them have surely progressed.
If I were you, I would talk with her on the phone and then make the decision whether or not to take it further (as in meeting for lunch). There’s no doubt she will be telling the new guy about the phone call and possible meeting. I agree, she probably put you in the friend zone, yet maybe wants to end the situation with you amicably, but you won’t know for sure until you talk.
Predictably, she’s had serious issues with her relationship. They are on a break right now. It was his idea to split like this, but she told me the time apart made her realize she doesn’t want him back. They haven’t moved in together yet but he has some stuff at her place, still has a key and such, and there is other baggage to unravel that could take a while.
After dinner she suggested that she doesn’t want the evening to end. I wanted to test if she was serious so once outside I moved in to kiss her and she kissed back passionately. At least I wasn’t in the friend zone. We went to my place and she spent the night.
I talked to her today. I’m not sure yet what will happen. She may just have needed a night with me to realize she wants to go back to her boyfriend, or maybe this will help her end things with him because she has realized she was rebounding. And not only was she rebounding with him, he was rebounding with her too, worse than she is.
In any case I don’t know that we will get back together, or that we even should. I made no promises except to say that we can see each other again. I know I need to be really careful from here. The jury is still out as to whether she will get back with her boyfriend or not. If she does, then it’s time for me to be gone for good.
I saw her again on Sunday and we talked a bit. We agreed to take it show and see how things go. I would not say we are officially back together. I don’t know if this is going to work out or not, as I am not sure that she has changed enough. Time will tell. She may also go back to her boyfriend too. It’s very early to tell.
I am having flowers delivered to her on V-day. It seemed like a good idea when I ordered them yesterday, but now I am wondering if it’s too much too soon. Oh well, what’s done is done, and we’ll see how that plays out.