Looking for Advice

reconciliation
1

Hello, I’m looking for any sort of advice on this situation. Maybe it will be good to write this all down somewhere too. Thanks in advance!

A month and a half ago my ex broke up with me. We had been dating for 2 years. We were living together and I thought things were going well. We never really argued or fought with each other. Things just seemed to work well between us.

About 3 or 4 months back she began regularly texting this other guy that she met at work. I don’t really know too much about him. I know that they spend a lot of time together at work and go to lunch together with other people almost every day. I suppose I should mention now that we both moved in together after college. We both found good jobs and moved to new place away from college. It’s a place I’m relatively familiar with but a completely new state for her. I have a few friends around this area. She doesn’t.

I think it’s great for her to make new friends up here. I also had her spend some time with my friends up here. Now, the problem began when she seemed like she would frequently text this guy about whatever, when we were home and just hanging out. It wasn’t constant but it was enough to bother me. She works in a field which has way more guys than girls in it so this isn’t the first time another guy has come into the picture. But, she always told me about them right away which was great. We also worked at the same office for the first year of our relationship which helped because I knew most of the guys that she would talk to as well so it never bothered me.

So anyways, she continued to text this guy quite a bit. Enough to the point where it bothered me, I sat her down and talked to her about it a few times. She told me I would have to trust her. I didn’t want to prevent her from talking to him because that’s not fair to her and I’m pretty sure she was just trying to make friends. But this guy knew that she was in a two year relationship and continued to repeatedly text her, which seemed weird.

A few weeks later she told me she was “having some doubts about our relationship” but didn’t really explain why. She said it didn’t have anything to do with me. The only thing my mind went to was “oh hey it’s gotta be this other guy then right?”. Which was a mistake. After a few more weeks she kept texting him, we talked about it again but got the same result.

I made a mistake. I logged into her phone account and checked her text logs. I shouldn’t have done that. Her account sent her a text that somebody had checked her texts and she freaked out. She was trying to figure out who could have done it. I told her right away it was me and that I made a mistake. I was going crazy for 2 minutes at home and I made a rash poor decision. She got so mad at me for violating her privacy and her trust. This incident happened a month before we broke up. She was never the same after the incident. She was mad at me and unreceptive to nearly everything that I did. I tried to clean the apartment, sent her flowers, gave her some space, said I was sorry, bought her some things. She told me I had violated her trust and she feels nothing for me anymore. I was miserable the last month before we broke up as she was unreceptive to everything I did.

She broke up with me after that month or so. She said she had been thinking about it for a while and wanted to be sure. She said the texting thing was a part of it but not the whole reason. She said she didn’t break up with me because of him. I don’t know what else I did wrong. I messed up, I made a mistake, I don’t understand why she would freak out about it so much. She has a right to be mad sure but I feel like there’s more to it than that.

A week or so after the breakup I told her I was moving out, that’s what everyone told me to do, not what I wanted to do. I told her I was moving out, said she was making a mistake and asked her to think about us…and cried a lot. The next morning after telling her I was moving out, I drove back to the apartment to get some more of my stuff. I didn’t see her car in our reserved spot. It didn’t look like anyone had been in the apartment that previous night. I didn’t know what to do.

I met her a week later and talked to her about it. I wanted to get some closure on the whole thing. She said she went over to his place that night, they went for a walk but she slept on his couch and nothing happened. She stayed at his place the next night too but that was because he had some people over and she said she was pretty drunk and crashed on his couch. She told me she had some feelings for him “not that much though” (whatever that means). She told me she wasn’t sure how long she’s had these feelings for him but it also wasn’t why we broke up. Even though it really seems like that. I mean she stayed at his place the next day after I moved out. I know it’s her business but idk it just seemed weird.

Anyways we continued talking and she told me they had talked about things and “neither of them wanted to be in a relationship right now”. And that she wanted to be single for a while and try to figure things out. She said she was sorry for many many things. She sent me some stuff a few days later about how she had a terrible day mentally and hasn’t been happy with herself since high school and is going to go see a counselor and is having confidence issues. I, being in a terrible state of mind and not having read your guides at this point responded and tried to inquire further. She said she didn’t want to talk about it right now.

All my friends told me to stop talking to her and let her miss me but I didn’t do that. I talked to her off and on about a few things. Some of them were about the apartment which is unavoidable. I asked her once if she wanted to hang out and watch some TV. She told me she didn’t think that was a good idea. I shouldn’t have done that.

Now, here’s where things get complicated. This friend of hers that she was constantly texting. She was over at his apartment with some of his friends one night. I was doing pretty well mentally trying to move on. I think it was 2-3 weeks after the breakup but anyways. The kid feel 3 stories while drunk and wound up in the hospital, my ex saw all of it happen, she called the ambulance and thought he was dead. He got taken to the hospital and had to have emergency brain surgery. Before I continue, from what I know, the guy is going to be fine now as it’s been a few weeks and he’s recovering well. Anyways she texted me about it the next day, she said she didn’t sleep at all and told me what happened, I called her and talked to her about it for a bit. She was so messed up. anyways I left her alone for a bit, told her if she needed anything to call me. Well she called me a few hours later and told me she was at the hospital and couldn’t find her car. The hospital is in a downtown locaton so it could be anywhere. Again this wwas before I had read any of your articles on how to get her back. I shouldn’t have helped her maybe. Shouldn’t have been contacting her. Anyways, I drove to downtown picked her up and we drove around for 30 mins looking for her car. I talked with her about him for a while while we were searching. Found her car and we drove back to the apartment together. I wanted to make sure she was doing okay. We talked about what happened for a bit and then she went to sleep since she hasn’t really the previous night. She was a mess and I didn’t want to take advantage of that. So I left after she fell asleep telling her that I was there if she needed me.

We talked to each other about how this guy was doing for about a week after that. She talked about how she was having nightmares anf doing terribly and hated waiting to hear about how he was doing. I tried to talk her through things, which I probably shouldn’t have done. I should have just left her alone. I didn’t know what else to do.

About a week after the whole thing it seems like this guy is going to be fine, she seems to be doing much better. I hadn’t talked to her in a few days as she went back to her home town to be with her family that weekend. I messaged her some stuff about where I stand with us, I said she probably didn’t want to hear it right now but I wanted to let her know that I wanted to be with her and I wanted to help her get through this.

A few days I didn’t hear anything back. I messaged her again a few days later. She told me she didn’t want to talk to me and she needed some time to figure things out. She said she was trying to work on things but whenever I talked with her it put her back “at square one with me”. I’m not sure what that means.

So after she told me not to talk to her I woimd up finding your excellent guides. I’m on day 7 of no contact with her right now after her asking me not to talk to her and I’m freaking out. I dont know if she’s thinking about us, or if she’s thinking abiut this guy, if she regrets what she did. She could be talking to this guy constantly while he’s in the hospital. I don’t know. I k ow you say I should try to better myself during this period. I’m trying to do that. I’m trying not to think about her but I can’t shake the feeling that shes just bren trying to be with this guy for a while. Or maybe she is actually trying to find herself and it’s all my fault we are broken up. I don’t know what to do. Is there any chance she figures out she wants me back? I think she would need to come to that conclusion on her own and reach out to me. I’ve clearly proven I can be there for her and help her out when she needs it. Am I just screwed? Should I even bother trying or put this off as a lost cause? I’m trying to go 30 days with no contact as you suggest, especially considering she asked for it. I shouldn’t have let it get to that point. I dont really understand why she asked for me to stop talking to her. What do I do? Any advice? Do you have any thoughts? Sorry for being so long winded. I really miss her and want her back and I hope she sends me something soon.

2

First Ill start with this guy. You mentioned that you tried to talk about how it made you feel with her not really understanding or even caring where you were coming from. If you really meant something she would have worked to fix the problem that was clearly coming up. That definitely made you lose trust in her. jealousy and paranoia seemed to take over you. She gave you little reason to trust her. But you did know about the guy. My ex and I had been dating for 2 1/2 years and within the first month of her in college she had began texting/seeing a new guy but kept it from me. They’re together now. A new relationship is exciting. It’s new. she may have liked the new attention from this new guy. She still had you however. She may have not wanted to hurt you so she didn’t immediately try anything with him. Maybe that’s all she wanted was to try something new. So the moment you broke things off it gave her an excuse to begin trying a new relationship. But, a tragedy got in the way of this. Right now she is just very confused as to what she wants. That is why you need to give her time. No contact will do that for her. Right now you need to worry about you. Now this is hard. because you cant help but think about nothing but her. That was me the first two weeks. I asked too many questions. “What is she doing? Is she thinking of me? Is she still with this guy If so what are they doing?” over and over making myself go crazy. I began to move on from this however. I was fortunate enough to already being going to a gym everyday. I also have very good friends that I have known for over 10 years. It’s good to try to have fun. Try to bring positive things into your life. You’re not screwed. The fact your ex talked to you after the breakup says a lot about what she may be thinking. I’m on day 24 of no contact. I’ve heard nothing from my ex. Right now I may have to extend no contact. I may not be ready yet. You just need to be strong. I know it’s hard. It’s very hard… Just know that time will make things easier. Not better. But easier. I relate to a lot of what you’re going through. The differences between us is that her and I just started college. Different colleges at that. And I found this site only a week after the breakup. So I’ve been using this system almost immediately. So if you need any more help or advice on what to do during this time, just ask. Those first two weeks suck. Just for now, learn to focus on other things. Work, workout, hang out with friends, just try to have fun. Learn to live life without her. Do not freak out. collect yourself and take things day by day. hour by hour if you have to. I’m sure these days feel like weeks now. Again, stay strong. It gets easier.

3

Hi Carey,

Thanks so much for your words. I’d just like to say first I’m sorry you are in a similar situation. I’m glad to hear you say it gets better. I’m on day 8 right now and this has been the worst one yet for some reason. I’m not sure why but it feels like I’m just going crazy today. It seems to me like maybe she was just looking for an excuse to leave. But then I don’t know why she wouldn’t immediately start dating this other guy. I know its maybe because she didn’t want to hurt me, but she’s already hurt me so much by doing this whole thing. Like, if she was in a relationship, I could at least be happy for her, because then she would be happy somewhere else. But she just seemed to be a mess for a long time. And that was really hard to deal with. I just feel like in my head, she’s not the type of person to do any of this stuff. I don’t believe she would do anything like this. Especially to me, we were very connected for so long, I don’t understand what went wrong. I feel like this is all on her end to figure out. And that’s really frustrating to me. Guess that’s why I’m trying to cope by talking to others :). I feel like she could just be spending all her time talking to the guy while he’s in the hospital or recovering or whatever and slowly gaining more feelings and connections to him, while I just sit here and do nothing. I don’t feel like she’s going to miss me at all while she’s building up for a new relationship or maybe even just trying to be single for a while and figure some stuff out. Idk, I just wish I could get inside her head and see what she was thinking or try to help her through things. I helped her out a lot the last two years. I really really hope I can continue to do that sometime. Hopefully, sooner rather than later :slight_smile:

Just wanted to say that I didn’t break things off with her. She broke things off with me. I probably should have been more explicit in my post. I never wanted any of this to happen, the breakup, this hospital thing, everything. But she asked to be alone for a while and to figure things out. Its honestly just really hard to think that the “best” course of action is to do nothing. I suppose the only thing I can do is work on myself. I’ve been running a lot lately. Never been very good at lifting. Maybe I should get back into it again. Honestly, most of my close friends aren’t even in the same state as me. I talk to them online a lot which is helpful but its hard to find things to do with a few of them. I have to find more things to do outside of work. Any suggestions?

I’m glad you say things get easier. I really hope they do. I hope she misses me sometime and says she wants me back. It’s all I really want. But I don’t think theres anything I can do on my end to fix this. Other than fix myself.

Thank you for your words Carey. I wish you all the best. My advice is enjoy college as much as you can. We both enjoyed our last 2 years of college together. Sure, we both had some rough times getting through some classes and homework and tests. But man, outside of class and work. Those nights we spent together were some of the best I’ve ever had. Sometimes when it was just with her, sometimes when it was with her and some of our friends. I guess what I’m trying to say is, try to meet some people at school. Some closest people I got to in college were 10-15 people I met my freshman year when we were all living in this crappy dorm together, it was a horrible place to live but it brought us together. Try to meet some people and enjoy your time. Because, trust me when you get out of college, most people miss it. I never thought I would given how hard some classes were and how miserable I was at times in college. But man, looking back I really miss it myself. Get out and enjoy it my man. Thanks for the wise words. Let me know how things go okay? I’m here if you ever want to talk. I wish you all the best, I hope she contacts you or things go well between the two of you :slight_smile:

4

Thanks for the wishes. And yeah it is definitely going to be hard. That first week i really had to put myself back together. I couldn’t eat or sleep. And the memories… good god they tore a hole in my chest. And the same for me in terms of breakup. One day we saw each other and it was great. Just 2 days later she tells me she wants a break. next thing I know I’m seeing her kissing a new guy. I was just devastated, shocked, angry, confused… It just hit like last nights walking dead episode. (I wont spoil in case you watch) But it was hard to deal with. I honestly thought of suicide. I had convinced myself that everything I was doing with my life was for her and without her I was nothing. It just weighs down heavy on you. After two years for you two dating, she will definitely be thinking of you. She cares about you. In a weird way shes trying not to hurt you. It isn’t the right way of handling things. But humans are strange. Just take things step by step. I think your first step should be to stop asking what she is thinking. You can’t focus on you if you’re thinking of her. That was my first step. And I suggest lifting. It’ll make you feel great after. (in spirit not body… You’ll be sore) As far as finding other things to do, ask yourself what you like doing and go out and do that. for me it’s football. I love watching and playing it. It’s a big distraction for me. You could also maybe find new people to hang out with. being around people and having a good time will make you feel better all around. But even with all this she’ll be in the back of your mind. it’s natural. I’ll be having fun then BAM! random thought of her. You just learn to work through these thoughts and bittersweet memories. I’m on day 24 and haven’t quite gotten past the memories. it will stay with you for a long time. But having something else to distract you will help this.

For today, tell yourself this; she cares for you. She does miss you and most likely is thinking of you, going through the same thing right now. Once you realize this, it’ll be much easier to focus on you. Also start planning new things to do this week. Lifting will be new, and new is exciting. New things=new you.

5

A little add on. As far as her being a different person, same on my end. I’m 21 and she’s 19. She always told me all the things she wouldn’t do and how I’m the perfect guy. Well now she smokes pot, parties all the time and the new guy she’s with has a kid… She’s definitely not the same girl i started dating. It’s weird and confusing seeing that. maybe they’re just trying to find themselves in all this. this just shows that they’re just as confused and lost as we are.

6

Hi Carey,

I guess it doesn’t feel like she’s a different person to me. It feels like she is confused and lost tho. I think she definitely has a different opinion of me, but she doesn’t seem too different on her end. One weird thing tho is that her last boyfriend, before me, she dated for a year. They used to drink and smoke weed together a lot. The guy was also a prick and abusive to her. So I think she understandably ended it with him. This new guy, also smokes weed and drinks a lot. It feels like maybe she’s trying to go back to that point or something? I’m pretty straight edge, what I mean by that is i don’t really drink or do drugs. I hate the term straight edge, makes me feel douchey or something but anyways. I think she missed a lot of that drinking and smoking when she was with me and is maybe trying to go back to that? It’s not like I prevented her from doing those things when we were dating but I think she definitely did those things less. I think maybe she’s just using it as a way to distract herself from her problems.

Maybe the same thing is happening on your end Carey. I also just think since she’s new in college lots of new things are exciting to her. I would say that in your situation she’s just trying to fill the gap you left in her. I don’t think that relationship will last very long if she is in one. The scary thing is that you don’t want to see her get hurt from all this partying or this other guy. Maybe when 30 days is up jsut ask her to be careful or something I don’t know. I imagine it’s got to worry you a bit.

In my situation now my ex has already maybe been hurt by this guy. I just dont know if she’s realized it. The last thing i said to her before I moved out was something like " be careful with him, I don’t think this guy is good news, especially when he thinks it’s okay to text somebody who’s in a two year relationship as frequently as he did". Then guess what he does a week later? He falls 3 stories and nearly dies. Thankfully he’s going to be fine from what I can tell but I feel it just proves my point that shes making a mistake by doing this. I just hope she realizes that and wants to be back with somebody who’s good for her and can make her happy. But it’s not like I can tell her that, it’s something she has to figure out on her own. And I’m not sure she will. I’m just scared for some reason it’s going to pull her closer to him because they could be talking while his in the hospital/recovering. Then they are going to start dating and I am screwed.

This is really what worries me, and probably worries you in your situation. How long before she gets hurt from this whole whatever she is doing? Because I really don’t want that to happen. I’m sure you don’t either. That being said, maybe it’s best to leave her be and let her make her mistakes so she can realize that you are actually good for her and won’t hurt her like that. It’s one of the harder things for me to get through and understand. Like what if she had fallen 3 stories instead of him. I don’t know what I would have done. None of it would have been good though. I know I just need to leave her be but it’s hard when I still really care about her. And I worry she’s going to get hurt even more. I don’t want to see that happen. God I hope she can figure some stuff out or something.

I think I’ll start lifting when I get home from work today. I did p90x for 78 days before we started dating. I think it’s a good idea. Thanks for the suggestions. I really appreciate them.

7

Thanks for the advice. And yeah of course I still care for her. But she’s stubborn as hell so she’s going to do what she wants right now. And if that’s doing drugs and drinking, that’s what she’ll do. And I’m the same way. I drank for the first time in my life three weeks ago. (Of course I ended up drunk texting her
-_-) and this was my first relationship. First kiss and loss of virginity. So naturally this was rough for me and obviously I still love her and care for her. I do worry for her but at the same time I just can’t dwell. You just kinda have to let her do whatever she wants and hope in the end she’ll wake up and realize what’s good for her. But at the same time, you need to improve who you are so you know that you’re that good thing. Her going to college brought out that paranoia and jealousy with me. That’s what really pushed her away. I stressed her out too much. I just hope I didn’t ruin my chances in the end. She’s one hell of a girl. But at the same time for me being almost done with NC, I need to be ready for this to not work out so I can move on. But in the end I know that I’ll be a better man because of it and I’ll still have the memories. Life is filled with a lot of bad so you have to find the good. For me it was a great two years with a great person. I hope to continue my life with this person but if I can’t, I know I’ll find someone new.

One day your ex with figure things out. And when she does you have to be ready for it. Even if it’s good or bad. Again just collect yourself and focus on your life for now. One day you’ll have time to worry about hers. And hopefully you’ll be a better person to take care of her and make her happy again.

8

Heh, I can relate to the “stubborn as hell” thing, my ex is the same way. I feel like even if she wanted to get back with me she’d be too stubborn to do so. But idk I’m still hopeful. Thankfully I’m pretty stubborn too :).

Yeah like you said her going to college brought paranoia and jealousy to you. Same thing for me when she kept texting this guy. Problem is I have no clue if I was right or not. I let it get the better of me for a few minutes and now we are broken up. Maybe it’s not the full reason but it definitely feels like it is. Suppose I can’t really dwell on it now. Just have to self improve. It’s hard to do though.

I hope I can improve myself enough for her. I’m not sure I am so far.im only on day 9 but I feel like I haven’t moved too much. Idk why I just feel stuck and sad. But I have to move if I want to be with her. God I hope this works. Thanks for the words. Let me know how it goes. You gotta be on day 25 or so right?

9

Yeah day 25. Honestly you had a right to have a problem with her texting a guy constantly. A relationship requires 50/50. Each doing his or her part for the other person. Now I bet if you had been texting another girl the same way she was texting this guy she would have flipped her lid. And you talked to her about how it was bothering you more than once. So that situation was more her fault than yours. Later on in the no contact period you should ask yourself why she may have wanted to text this new guy so much. Usually a breakup is much more than one thing. For now you just have to climb out of that hole you’re stuck in. On this site Kevin mentions that you should see other people. Now I just couldn’t imagine seeing anyone else. But after day 20 I met this girl at my gym. She has worked there since i started going a year ago and I’d say hi every now and then. But on the 21st I decided to talk with her longer and I gave her my number. I’m most likely going out with her this weekend. I still love my ex but at the same time there’s this new cute nice girl that I’ve met. so it leaves me having to think about extending the no contact. You never know what kind of opportunities life will bring. And who knows, my ex might see me with this new girl and start thinking the same things I was a few weeks ago.

I told you that because it shows how much you change in the month of no contact. My ex made me who I am. But the breakup has made me a better person as well. Better than I was when I was dating my ex. Day 9 seems like forever ago for me. No matter what just keep moving forward and like you said, improve who you are. She will definitely notice the better version on you.

10

It really does feel like this whole thing is more on her end than mine. But that honestly kinda sucks because I don’t feel like I did too much more than that wrong. I don’t understand why she’s doing all this.

I’m at the point still where I don’t think I could see anyone else right now. I’ve always kinda had confidence issues, probably why we are here right now in the first place. But I’m not rwally good at talking to people, girls especially. I don’t really meet too many of them either. I think it might be a good idea to try to go on a date or two before I try to get back with her but I have no real desire to do so.

I hope your date with her goes well. Try to have some fun. It will be good to get some practice. I’d like to try to get some practice but I’m generally pretty terrible at this whole single thing. I guess I’m also pretty terrible at the whole being in a relationship thing too. At least that’s what it feels like when she leaves me for reasons I don’t understand.

11

I can definitely see where you’re coming from. After the breakup I blamed it all on myself. But after a week or two I started seeing the things she did wrong. Her and I could have easily worked it out. We’ve honestly been through worse than that. She just kinda gave up. And on your end, I do see most of the blame on her. Maybe a few things before lead to all the problems. But she definitely should have respected your feeling about the whole texting that guy problem. Right now it’s on her to realize all this. Maybe she’ll even find this site when she gets desperate enough to get you back. Maybe… we could do “maybes” and “she shoulds” all day. Right now it doesn’t matter what shes thinking or doing or finding the reason why she did what she did. It’s confusing as hell. And you’ll only make things harder on yourself thinking of it all. So try your best to just clear it out of your mind. At least for a while. One day you’ll be ready to ask these questions again and maybe youll even have an answer by then. For now, don’t worry about it. It’ll be hard but you just can’t think of her. Focus on getting good workouts in. I go for an hour and feel great after.

And trust me, I’ve neber had success with talking to girls. It took me 19 years just to get a girlfriend… she had to approach me! I’m awkward as hell. But she changed that. She kinda made me a little more outgoing. So in a way she helped me get this girls number. Working out has also helped me. It gave me a great new look. I also gave myself a new hairstyle. I actually feel like I look better. It’s just the little things that give you a little bit of confidence. And the important thing I learned is to just be myself. Just talk to this new girl about what I like and tell some stupid jokes. They see that little bit of confidence and they just warm up to you a little faster.

I was pretty torn at first with this whole date thing. I don’t want to just date her as a rebound. I didn’t want to toy with her feelings like that. So I made sure to talk to her before hand and tell her that I’m not really over my ex and that I may not want something serious between us. I told her the truth about how I felt. Amazingly she still wants to talk and go on this date. Sadly however, I still feel that little tap of guilt in the back of my mind. I’ll hug her then turn around and shut my eyes trying to get rid of that guilty feeling that comes over me. Earlier today I finally told myself, “she’s with a new guy, having “fun” with him. So why can’t I try something new.” So today, on day 25 of NC I figured out that I have no obligations to my ex anymore. She wanted to split. So I might as well find a way to move past it and not dwell.

In a way I move further yet closer to getting my ex back. I’m becoming a better person while at the same time realizing I don’t need my ex to have a happy life. Now I understand for you at day 9 right now you don’t feel anything near this. You may never feel the same way I do. But no matter what you just have to stay strong and fight through this no contact period. It’s extremely important. If you ex calls, texts, emails, sends something on social media, you can’t respond. If you do you’ll only take away the purpose of the no contact. If you ex is anything like mine, she will most likely not contact you. You see all these other ex stories on here where their ex tries to talk to them. Well I can never relate. My ex just quit me the way I quit her. It hurts at first. It’s frustrating, confusing… it’ll make you angry. But after a while you realize you’re kinda doing the same thing. And who knows, maybe it’s leaving them wishing you would try to call or text.

Again just be strong through it. Improve yourself. And slowly stop thinking of her. I bet each hour feels like 5 right now. Just try to have a distraction. Get through each day because the next one will only get easier. Even if it doesn’t feel like that, even if you feel stuck, it gets easier.

12

Hey man. Ik it’s a little late but I was wondering how your day 10 went. Any new struggles or the same old stuck feeling?

I found my day 26 to be a little sad. Had a few times today where I thought of how her and I used to be. Kinda left me feeling empty. Here I am pretty much 3 days away from no contact and I’m feeling conflicted. Meanwhile I’ve got a date Saturday. And this girl is really sweet and super cute. The way she smiled at me today just… idk. I’m getting a little confused I guess. I’m not sure I’m quite ready to end no contact.

Tomorrow I’ll talk to one my my ex’s friends who helped me out in the beginning. I trust that she won’t give away my intentions and I need to know if my ex is still with that guy. If so then I will most definitely wait to contact my ex. But if she’s not then I may or may not contact her. It depends on how things go for me this week.

That’s kinda how things are on my end. Hope things are getting easier on yours. Remember to stay strong through this.

13

Hi Carey,

Sorry its been a few days. Been pretty busy lately which I guess is a good thing? Had kind of a boring lonely saturday to myself. Should have tried to do some more stuff with some friends or something. It’s really hard not to think about what she’s doing right now, as it is Saturday night before halloween. Maybe she’s at a costume party or something. I hope she’s doing okay. Trying not to think about that tho. On day 13 now. I’ve been missing her a lot but haven’t been thinking about her as much. Just been trying to make it through each day. Worked out the last 4 days now which has really helped :).

I just feel like she could be talking to this guy all the time while he’s recovering and building a relationship with him while not even thinking about me. Maybe one could argue its a rebound or maybe she actually wants to try to take things slow with him to try to make it “not a rebound”. idk, just something I’ve been thinking about. How can she miss me while she could be talking to him constantly? just using him to fill the hole that I left is what it feels like.

How did it go talking to your exs friend? How did your date go? Have you told this new girl that you recently got out of a relationship?

Hope all is well my friend.

14

I think your ex is most likely talking to this guy trying to fill that hole. But even if she takes it slow or not, it’ll still be a hollow relationship in the end. She started texting him while you yow were together. So she will always automatically associate him with you. So even if she’s with him, she’ll have you on her mind. Just be patient with this. And stop worrying about her. I know you care but you can’t think of what shes doing or thinking all the time. It’ll drive you nuts. So continue to stay busy. It’s definitely a good thing to have something to distract you. And keep up those workouts! After a month of that you’ll start noticing a difference in the way you look. So keep it up!

And the date went pretty well. Went rock climbing and had a great time. Talking to her friend went pretty well. Got some decent info on the situation. She’s still with that guy so I’ll have to extend no contact :confused: kind of a bummer but I’ll continue to be patient. And this new girl does know my situation. I told her the trust and said I may not be ready for anything long term. I just want someone to talk to and have fun with. She said it’s all good and we’ve continued to talk and will most likely go out again soon :slight_smile:

My troubles lately have kinda been with that guy. Found out that they’ve been having g sex a lot and just drinking and smoking pot (which she said she would never do). So he just sounds like and overall bad influence. They’re both on the cross country team but all this stuff she’s doing has really taken a toll on her performance overall. So she’s giving up a great opportunity. I’ve come to accept the fact that this rebound relationship of hers is nothing more than that. Her and I have done just about everything so I imagine she won’t hold back on him to try and fill that void. Good thing it’ll only make it worse in the end and she’ll (hopefully) start to really miss me. Today I saw a post her friend posted and my ex and that guy were in it so it kinda hit that sensitive spot. But other than that I’m doing okay. Just getting through the days focusing on myself.

I’m sorry to hear you had a lonely Saturday. It’s good that you’ve been starting to focus on yourself more and more though. And I’m glad things are getting a little easier. Just continue to stay busy. And just remember this, she does miss you. She may not show it or even know she does. But deep down she still thinks of you and one day, with patience, you’ll have another chance to start over with her. For now, continue improving yourself, try to think of her less, and stay busy.

Hope things continue to get easier. Good luck my friend. I’ll keep in touch throughout your no contact. If you have questions or just need to talk, I’m always checking my emails for a response so don’t hesitate. :slight_smile:

15

Hey Carey,

Glad your date went well. That’s really good news. Glad you had a lot of fun. Glad she’s cool with just having someone to go out and have fun with. I kinda wish I had somebody like that right now. Might make things easier.

Oh your ex is a cross country person? That’s cool, I was actually captain of my high school cross country team, feels like that was forever ago now. Yeah, I would imagine her drinking and smoking a lot would greatly effect her performance. Not that I’d want this to happen to her, but she might not be on the team for much longer if things continue to go south. I mean she is new in college so it will take some time to adjust. Honestly, based on the fact that this person is saying the relationship is not going well, I’d just let it run its course for a little bit longer. My guess is it will self destruct pretty soon. I’d say just be patient for a bit and extend no contact for a while. Maybe she’ll even reach out to you when things go south between the two of them.

I know all about the whole being a bad influence thing, I know my ex started smoking and drinking quite a bit with this new guy…at least until this whole hospital thing happened. Now apparently this guy can’t drink for a while or he’ll seize up which is crazy. I really don’t know what to make of all that. I’d say in your situation Carey, just be patient and let this play out. Let her make her mistakes, its something I need to do too. I hate the fact that I have to let her make her mistakes, as she might get hurt from it. But I think its a way to make her realize that I am a good person for her. I’m not sure she’ll realize it though. I hope your ex realizes this too Carey.

For right now I’d say keep hanging out with your new lady and working out. I’ve been buying a bunch of new clothes lately. My ex always told me I needed new ones and I really just didn’t like shopping and trying on things. But after going a few times lately, I really kind of enjoy it. I wish I could be shopping for things with her, because she always was a good judge of things I looked good with. I’m hoping they’ll help me look and feel a little more appealing if we ever see each other again. I know dressing well is not something I’ve ever really done or cared about but its something my ex always appreciates with guys. Funny thing was, there were two times at the mall today where I talked to girls and got off on really nice conversations with them. I think one of them even thought I was cute. They were both separate check out girls so they could have just been nice but it was a nice confidence boost honestly.

What did this friend of hers post or whatever? Hope all is well.

16

Yeah it’s good having someone to be with to maybe talk to and just have some fun with. But it’s also good to maybe wait till you know you’re ready to see someone new. Sometimes I just get that guilty feeling when I’m with her. I can tell she maybe wants a kiss but idk if I can do that yet… not to mention when she gives me that look I can feel my ears glow red hot… for you, continue to work through the tough days and find some stuff to do. It’s good you went shopping. That’s something I need to do. A new look is always great. And it’s great you talked to some girls while shopping. A little bit of flirting and a few smiles from your jokes will give you a great feeling after.

Her friend just posted a selfie with my ex and her new boyfriend in it. They look pretty damn happy and like they’re having a great time but according to Kevin, she’s not. It’s just a face she puts on. And from what her friend tells me, this is true. But seeing the picture made me realize how bad I miss her and kinda made me look at the continuation of no contact as something really really sad. But I know that I will be very patient. I just need to continue to move forward and improve who I am. One day, when the time is right, I’ll have a chance to make things work and hopefully start a new happy relationship with the girl I love and care about. One day…

Glad things are still getting easier for you. Just continue being patient and improving yourself. You’ll start to feel better soon enough :slight_smile: good luck!

17

Yeah idk how I’d deal with that whole new girl situation if I were in your shoes. Its not really fair to her to get romantically involved while you still want to be with this other girl. But maybe it would help you move on, if that is something you wanted to do but idk where you are at with that. So idk what really to say to you about that. I’d say maybe take things slow with her. Especially considering your ex’s relationship doesn’t seem to be going to well lately. Who knows, it might end soon. At the same time you also shouldn’t really put your life on hold for her. Idk up to you.

As far as the selfie thing goes its pretty easy to pretend to look happy in a picture. I mean maybe she was happy at that moment. But based on what your friend said, their relationship doesn’t seem to be going well and is also more than likely just a rebound relationship. My guess is it will end soon. I mean its only been what a month and they are already having problems? Probably won’t last too much longer than. Honestly I’d say see if she sends you anything back on her birthday but maybe continue no contact for a few more days at least. I think your best course of action is to let this play out. The way I look at it is 30 days of no talking for the potential to be with her the rest of your life. Now it might not work out like that but that helps me a lot lately. Day 14 now ughh. Never thought I’d make it this far. Honestly, kinda scared that I have.

I really wish my ex would send me something like she messed up or she made a mistake. It would make this much easier. I’m just worried she’s going to have moved on and forgotten about me even though we were so close for so long. I hope we can be that close again someday. I just wish I could talk to her and see how she was doing.

18

I just feel like this other guy is totally wrong for her. He frequently texts a girl who’s in a two year relationship and he knows that. That seems really not okay to me. Especially considering what it did two the two of us. Now they both have feelings for each other. I feel like this guy gets exactly wants while doing things that were really not okay. I really don’t know what to make of that. It just makes me want to cry. I try not to think about it but I’ve been thinking about it for like 2 hours now while trying to fall asleep.

I suppose they aren’t dating right now as far as I know, but they could still be talking a lot. God she went over to his place the night after I moved out. That means he knew we were broken up and either my ex told him about it or dropped massive hints that she was lonely or something. I should have asked her how he knew that he could invite her over but I didn’t think about it until a few days ago.

Now he’s recovering from the hospital visit and everyone probably feels sympathy for him. What if this pulled her closer to him now that she like saved his life or saw him nearly die? Ughh, I never wanted any of this to happen. I never wanted to be broken up. Why did she do this to me? What if she’s just waiting a respectful amount of time before they start dating? Its not like they could start dating now really since he’s still recovering from his injuries. God I want to be with her. I really miss her. I hope she sends me something.

19

It’s not like I can tell her that this guy is wrong for her or that he’s already hurt her either. Not that he intended to hurt her by falling off a balcony or whatever but it still happened and she got really messed up because of it. If I tell her its just going to piss her off or something. She has to realize that he’s wrong for her on her own. Idk how long that will take though or if that will ever happen. Maybe she’s already thinking that I have literally no idea.

20

Hey sorry I haven’t responded in a while. All those things you’re thinking, that this guy is a total dickbag who doesn’t have any honor. Yeah… me too. My ex did the same. Idk how long she was texting this new guy she’s with. But obviously he didn’t care. I even met the guy… after I found out they were together I just lost my shit. Initially my ex told me she wanted a break. But when I found out I called her a cheat and broke up with her. Maybe I burned bridges. But at the same time I didn’t want to be her second choice after she’s done having fun with him. Its just all a big pile of bullshit. And you and I were thrown into it. It all sucks. We have to wait until our ex’s figure themselves out. Meanwhile we’re left to pick ourselves off the ground. All while having to go on with life… it’s all just such shit. But we have to go on. Because if we don’t, we won’t get that second chance. We’ll only push it away from ourselves. I’ve looked at myself non stop for 31 days now. I’m 21 years old, 6 months away from graduating college and going to work. I’m not bad looking. I’m a pretty decent person. Atleast I like to think so. I just got out of my first relationship. She was everything to me. Yet it’s over and I let it all get to me. I have so much to live for. But I can’t let her go. So I’m going to fight for what I want. I’ll fight through the heartache cause I have to. One day we’ll both get our opportunity. I know I’ll be ready for it. You will too if you continue to be strong through all this.

Even if she is waiting, it’s going to be a rebound relationship if she does start dating that guy. Him falling was just an inconvenience. She had him lined up though. She knew something wasn’t right in the relationship with you and her. She might not even know what it was. Because it sounds like it was her. But eventually you still need to ask yourself what some of the problems were so you can improve yourself to handle situations in the future. Maybe she just wanted more. More dates, more laughs, more fun… it’s up to you to figure that part out. And one day ik you will. But if she does start dating that guy, just stay cool. No matter what that’s her rebound. He sounds nothing like you. Your ex dated you because she liked being with someone like you. If the new guy is just nothing like you, it’s def a rebound. She’s trying to find you in this guy but won’t. So stay cool with it and start focusing on you more. You’re starting to get stuck again. Ik it’s hard but you can’t give in.

As far as the no contact at all from her as well, it’s the same for me. Day 31 and absolutely nothing from my ex. I doubt she’ll ever contact me unless I do so first. Us doing no contact is exactly the same as them not saying anything. And I bet they’re thinking pretty much the same thing. “Does he not care? Why won’t he text me? Didn’t the relationship mean anything?” We have to put it into their heads that we’re beginning to move on. Cause then they’ll feel like they’re beginning to lose us. And once we do contact them again, they’ll want to catch up and see what’s up with us after so long. It’s all a mind game right now. And if we lose, we lose everything. So you have to be careful and patient. I don’t know if she’ll contact you. If she’s like my ex, she wont. You just have to put that out if your mind. For three weeks i basically waited for my ex to pull up in my driveway to tell me she made a mistake and blah blah blah… it’s up to us to fix it all. And with patience and staying strong, we have a good chance of doing so. I’ll definitely be checking my emails more for a response. I want to help you through it. And I myself kinda need help some days too… she’s still with that guy. It’s hard. But I’ll get through it. This new girl is really cool. I’m glad I have her around honestly. In a week or two, you should maybe try to go out with someone new. Just be active and go meet some new people. You might even get someone’s number. I know you don’t exactly go out much. I’m the same way. But I worked through that so I can become a more confident outgoing person. It’ll really help later on.

Try to keep your cool. I know it’s very hard. It’s just all part of the breakup. The hurt, anger, frustration… it’ll go away. For now just keep writing it down and talking to me or anyone who will listen. It helps the most. Stay strong. I’ll stay in touch.