trying to give myself a similar sort of deadline…my ex ended things in september so if by the summer he is still feeling like he needs this time away, I’m moving on. until then I’m just trying to make myself a happy, complete person and trying to stick to two months of NC and then contact him to meet up again. NC is such a struggle for me though, i miss talking to him
My ex went to get dinner with the guy she’s dating. Im trying not to be upset but why telk me she will call after work and not do it. She couldve told me she was going to be busy. Common courtesy. This is where I get angry. Its not that shes on a date but she acts like she can just ditch when shes dating others. Respect. Is that too much to ask??
Thanks for the answer guys. It is a really frustrating time. He is in a bad place, mentally. And he says he needs time for himself and focusing on getting better. That is why he cannot deal with anyone else at the moment - hense the break up. But I love him so much, and I know he loves me to when he says the things he says.
I want to give him the space. I have not called and begged or anything, the two times I called, it was just plain talk. He gets very frustrated when I do not answer him. I know he has been out with some guy friends of his a couple of times. He needs to chill with them sometimes. My only scare is that he is going to move on and forget about me. I am so scared that I will never hear from him again when he has picked up his stuff from my place. What do you guys think? How often would you stay in touch?
We are very used to talking on the phone.
did she tell you she was going on a date with him? honestly, from my perspective it almost looks like she is trying to make you jealous…
Okay, so here is what just happened:
I was texting my ex to let her know that I am interested in clearly defining the expectations of our “new connection”.
She called me immediately after I hit send. She said she apologizes but she forgot she was meeting a friend she met last week for coffee and it lasted longer than she expected.
She wanted me to explain my text. This is how our conversation went:
Me: Well, I understand you are dating someone and I dont want you to get the wrong impression of what Im about to say. I just feel that if we are both agreeing to build a new connection, whatever that means to you, we should clearly define expectations and boundaries. I am not upset that you didn’t call like you said you would, but I feel that any connection we establish should be based on open communication, honesty and mutual respect. Over the years you have never not hit a friend up when you said you would, and I would just appreciate a quick text letting me know you can’t call. I feel like that’s basic respect.
Her: I understand and I apologize. I am not trying to disrespect you or be any kind of way. I honestly forgot I had a lunch date with a lady I met a few weeks ago. As for the connection, what do you mean?
Me: I mean friendship or otherwise. You said you wanted to build something new and rediscover each other.
Her: Well, I don’t know if me telling you things will hurt you and I don’t know if you’ll distance yourself.
Me: When I ended contact two weeks ago, It was to step back and evaluate what Im doing with my side of things. It has nothing to do with this guy. Im getting used to the idea of you dating. Youve been doing it since we broke up.
Her: Yeah. Good. Because I do love you as more than a friend and you are my person. I want to be able to tell you everything. But it’s not love for me in the same sense it used to be. I am dating this guy steadily. We aren’t official, but I really like him and he really likes me. I explained to him that I am taking it slow with him, and we havent even kissed a lot. Which makes me like him more and he likes that Im not just about sex too. Im pretty sure we are heading toward an exclusive relationship.
Me: Im happy for you. Youve found someone that isn’t just about sex, that you have fun with and that you feel safe with. My Thanks to that guy. I really want you happy, and Id hate to have to hurt someone if they hurt you.
Her: giggles I know you would too!. So, I mean, is it okay to tell you things?
Me: Yes. As long as you are comfortable with it. I do have to express that I still have feelings for you. I still love you, but I will not put pressure on you to work on things with me. That’s why we didn’t work when we tried the first time. I pressured you and I was a mess.
Her: Yeah but I totally understand why. It bothers me. I’ve learned so much about how I was and where I couldve been better, and other people get to benefit from it. You went on a date, Im dating and getting more serious with Eric. And it just upsets me that we cant benefit each other from our realizations. But I believe we are where we are supposed to be. Im meant to be dating this guy. You are meant to be living a different life.
Me: I understand. I realized where I went wrong and I stopped being grateful. No matter the cause, I stopped appreciating what I had. I didnt jump from relationship to relationship so Ive been able to really evaluate my wrong doings without being distracted.
Her: chuckles is that wjat you think Im doing? Relationship hopping?
Me: Well, you have been with a couple ppl since we broke up. Im not saying it’s a bad thing and only you know your motives and feelings behind it. I didn’t mean it in a bad way.
But you know that I don’t buy into whatever happens happens and thats where we are meant to be. We analyze happenings very differently. I don’t believe we met, lost touch, had a freak encounter and lasted about 9yrs for it to end like this. We lost touch and reconnected after I made the choice to dial an old number. When we lost touch, I didnt say to myself it was meant to be that we lost touch …and went on with my life. You dont think we can build a new foundation and allow things to develop as they may?
Her: Well, what do you think our end meant or why it happened? And I dont know. We are dating other people and I really like Eric.
Me: It was a lesson. A test. We have been given the tools to succeed. Before we couldnt see two feet in front of us. And we can use the lesson and tools for others but I firmly believe its for us. But I won’t try to sit here and pressure you or convince you. Just like your first guy…I didnt let you work those feelings out and all it did was push you away. And now you have chosen to date another person. Because of your choice! you are where you are supposed to be. You know? I have to let you sort these feelings out as well.
I will not convince you to come back. But I just don’t believe almost 9 yrs was for this end result.
Her: Yeah. Hey. Im at my moms. I have to go but can I call you tonight? Ive been dying to talk to you.
Me: Yes. Call whenever you feel like it. I might go to bed early so if I don’t answer, thats why.
Her: I will text you first. If you reply, Ill call. I love you.
Me: I love you too. Be safe. Later.
Her: Bye.
So, what the heck do I do now?! And for the doubters… I really can recall full conversations. Even from days prior. Im a super hero. Called notepad. Lol
Help me pls. False friendship? Move on? I will not leave her life. I care about her and I want to be mature. She loves and cares for me too. I dont want to leave her life. And during my NC she missed me like crazy. She told me shes been missing me like crazy a couple times… BUT IT DIDNT STOP HER FROM DEVELOPING THINGS WITH ERIC!
How do I go about getting her back from here?? HELP.
She believes every little thing happens for a reason. How to I combat that thpught process. Her poem she posted was about losing me but finding something great with this new guy.
Together almost 9 yrs. Broken up for 7 months. Over or nah? Ready. Set. GO!
wow okay well some opinions…
first, i think she is definitely putting you in the “friend zone”. I’m not sure whether or not this is where you want to be - personally, i couldn’t handle it, but if you can, i say good for you. if you’re happy being in her life without the promise of a commitment.
i do think she loves you, but I’m not sure if the feelings she has right now are more of love like for a family member or romantic love. i think you can definitely get that kind of romantic love back in time but I’m not exactly sure how to go about it.
Yeah. I told her about my feelings for the purpose of keeping a romantic notion at the forefront which is what the other site that I’ve been reading says to do. I just don’t know what to do now. I’m lost. I’m sad. What the fuck.
im so sorry. that must be so painful to hear. do you think that you’ll be able to just remain friends with her while she is dating?
I have to keep from the friend zone. After, I told her I have to express my feelings and that I still love her… A few min after that she asked “so have you moved on?” I wanted to be like…I just told you I still love you. Idk. Why would she be interested if I’ve moved on anyway?
If she continues to friend zone me, I’ll have to cut contact. I think I’d suffer more if that was the case.
if i were you then i wouldn’t initiate contact or ask her any details about her dating life. if she texts you, just be friendly, upbeat, and confident. but i would tell her you don’t want to discuss her dating life - that will for sure put you in the friend zone
I need help. Idk what to do…
im not an expert, but I’m also not for playing mind games. if i were you, i would be honest with her. tell her you still love her and hope to reconcile in the future but you don’t want to pressure her and you want HER to come to the decision on her own, when she feels ready. tell her you want to remain in her life but only if she sees the potential of getting back together one day and that you don’t want to be permanently “friend zoned”. i think you should tell her you are doing well and starting to move on with your life, and don’t plan on waiting for her forever but for now you’re still there. other than that, be there for her in any way you can, don’t push her or initiate too much contact, but be nice when she reaches out and keep it short and sweet. tell her you are giving her her space to explore and grow but hope she comes back in the long run
Thanks for your response. I posted my four hr long convo over in reconciliation. Take a look. Let me know what you think?
i responded over there 
btw i think i have decided to go 60 days NC. i don’t want to drop off his radar completely but want to give him some time and space and for myself as well. hoping to reconnect at the beginning of feb. thoughts on this?
Atea I think you should keep 60 days as your goal and then see how you feel at day 60.
We’re in similar positions yeah, I also told my ex not to contact me. Looking back I wish I hadn’t said anything about it but just not replied to him. This way I really have no idea whether or not he’s thinking about me…
But I suppose I just have to live in my fantasy world of “of course he does!!!”.
I’m going NC until I have reached a point where I feel so happy and content with my own life that it wouldn’t completely and utterly devastate me to get shot down again. I need to learn how to stand on my own two feet again and just TRUST that things will work out in the future.
I don’t want to live my life in fear, so I’m gonna try as much as I can to keep the faith and trust that he’ll want me back.
I really can’t think anything else right now or I will crumble
i feel for you and i feel the same way. i am hopeful that he’ll be back and he did tell me he wants to be back together in the future but he isn’t ready yet.i don’t want to force his decision but i also don’t want to be a doormat while he is out with other girls. i am hoping 60 days will be enough time to show him I’m ok being on my own and independent and that i respect his need for space, but i do not want to go longer than that because i don’t want him to think I’ve given up on him completely. i also regret telling him only to text me when he is ready to pursue a relationship but i still feel it is for the best as now I’m not constantly wondering when he’ll reach out. I’m only on day 7 thought and it sounds near impossible to make it the whole 60 days…i also hope he doesnt move on and forget about our relationship in the meantime with me staying off his radar. its so difficult to know how to handle this situation!
You should go on a date. Or two.
i have been trying to! its just hard because when i get back, i ultimately just end up lining for my ex and what we had more
I’ve been NC for 9 days…do i break it today to acknowledge what would be our anniversary? feeling torn
No. Don’t. It will definitely make him wonder.