My ex has been contacting me every day for the past few days. I told her that I need some time and space.However, after just 24hrs, she sent me a voice mail stating she had a strong urge to talk to me. And said she loves me. She ended up texting me the day after that and she called. I answered the call and I kept the conversation light and short. The day after that she called but I didn’t answer. I didn’t respond to her texts either. Then she sent another voice mail and said she is extremely sorry for how she hurt me and that she understands things now that she didn’t before. She also said she wants to maintain our strong bond. I Didn’t respond for another 3 hrs. I didn’t mention the voice mail, but after two texts, she asked, “Did you get my voice mail?!” I said yes and I appreciated it. Last night, I called her. She wanted me to stay on the phone but didn’t come right out and say it. Her usual indirect way of communicating.I just said she should get some good sleep. She told me she loved me but I wasnt sure if I should say it so I didn’t. After we hung up, I texted her to tell her that she should just be direct with what she wants because otherwise I don’t have a clue. (My attempt to show I am willing to give her what she needs without seeming clingy or like a doormat).This morning…she texted me first again. As usual, I keep it light and say nothing about the breakup and I don’t inquire about her dating life. False friendship type stuff.I guess what I am confused about is if I should go for NC or soft NC or go into false friendship… ??I don’t initiate contact, I feel like she misses me even though we communicate, and the conversations we have been having aren’t hostile but rather funny and enjoyable. I have no plans to jump right back in because I really want to work on myself. plus, she’s been up and down a lot before because of her confused emotions, so I don’t want to get built up and then torn down again. Am I just comforting her during the breakup or can we reconnect like I want by us talking as “friends”.
Any advice? Am I missing something? Am I a hopeful idiot?
I think you are doing the right thing by not jumping in and letting her pursue you a bit.
Seems like the false friendship would be the way to go. And just see where things go.
My fear is that she is planning on going on another date with this new person, and my interaction with her is sending the message that she can get her close emotional needs met with me while she can see what else is out there. Then on the othe r side of my thinking is, why is it such a bad thing if she’s confused and scared about being with me? Our last year n a half was horrible, and she messed up pretty bad in the end. We weren’t really clear on what was going on in our relationship when she slept with someone else. We tried to work on our relationship several times, but my emotions and utter rage made her feel like she should continue looking for someone else.
Well I think the only thing you can do is have your own life as well, don’t sit around waiting for her.
I think the false friendship is just so she can see how you have changed, and thus become more attracted to you.
I would definitely keep things at a distance, she can continuously have 2 people vying for her attention. Your only job here is to be a great person, keep things on the surface, have a life and hopefully she will forget about the bad stuff and become more attracted to you.
Today, she texted me first again. I waited a couple hours before responding, but it’s been two hours since that and I haven’t received a response. I feel like she is either purposely not responding because I waited so long. Or she is with the person she is now dating. It’s this pattern of drawing me in and then pushing me back that makes me want to do NC.
Before I started responding like I have been, she was missing me and apologized for her mistakes. Now, I’ve been doing the false friendship and she’s seemed really interested in speaking with me… until the other night when I told her Id just let her get some good sleep.
Im not sure I know how to win with her. She’s always been needy. I feel like if I give in it will send the wrong msg, and if I don’t, she will get upset.
Im going to go with NC for 90 days. She has been distant all day and negative thoughts filled my mind. I need to heal a bit more before I do this false friendship thing. I brought up the time she smelled like someone else and she stopped texting. Probably trying to gain control of our interaction. Im not ready, and shes obviously only interested in speaking when she feels lonely etc.
Will you are the best judge of your situation, but the false friendship part is hard and if you feel you are not ready for it then I would pull back.
Thinking constantly about what the right thing to do with every interaction is exhausting
She called me because I told her to take care and she knew I was about to stop talking to her for a while because I’ve done it before. She said she wants to build something new with me. (Meaning friendship). She said her and I have an amazing bond and she wants us both to find people that make us happy. She also said she has a lot of guilt for how she treated me in the relationship, and she stated that she’s excited that Im still talking to her. As far as dating goes, she said she doesn’t think it will bother her. And that if I do it doesn’t have to be serious. She then said that she isn’t seeking out anyone and she’s just going to go with the flow.
Isn’t it said that if your ex says they don’t mind if you date that it’s truly over?
Wtf. Just when I think I have it figured out. Im annoying myself.
As for myself, I never said to my ex that I would be fine if he date someone else. But I did say good luck with next partner and pls treat her better. I dont know what was in my head at that time maybe because anger and pain and so on. Because when I think again calmly I can’t imagine when he will really be with someone else. Maybe your ex is just testing you. Or she knew that you wouldn’t go for a date. Because she would realize what she’ve got when it’s gone. Keep up with no contact… Universe will conspire us to be back with our ex if we meant to be. I know it’s cliché but good luck.
There is another possibility, she actually does care about you and wants you to be happy.
Here is the thing though, one of my exes that I was with a long time, I told him that exact thing and I really did mean it, because I loved him but after a long time of trying to work things out I knew we could not be together, but I did want him to be happy.
Now having said that, when I would hear about him dating some other girl, I would still get a twinge of jealousy and we could not stay friends because every time we tried it, he could not behave like a friend, he was always expecting me to behave like his girlfriend and arguments would ensue etc.
I think NC is the right thing for you for now.
Stay strong!
I feel like maybe she wants to date and carry on and wait to see if everything that happened can smooth over. (That could be me being hopeful aka delusional. Last night, she said, “I want us to rediscover each other.” In the past, shes said many times “Not right now.” “I believe anything can happen.” Then she crushes me because she will say in the same convo, “yeah baby. I think it is over.” And “I hope you find someone that treats you great.” Etc.
Some have said she’s confused. Others say she’s putting me on the backburner just incase she doesn’t find anything better.
I say I am more confused than ever. I read on another site that maintaining a friendship is important if ppl want to get their ex back. I want to do false friendship because I have high hopes, but I’m still hurting. And everytime I know she’s talking and going on dates with this other person, it makes me cry. She even shares it all with me because to her we are best friends. I feel sick when she says that.
A friend of mine told me to show my ex what it’s like for me not to be there at all because my ex thinks she can get a level of intimacy with me and yet not commit. That the breakup hasn’t really set in because Im still there. Idk if I agree with all of that, but she has a point that I’ve always been there.
Also, the other website I looked at is that therapists and other sites recommend NC to suggest without saying it that we should all get over it. That’s why NC mayake your ex miss you and come back but it doesn’t last long. But yeah… idk. I want to better myself, but I do not want to do NC just to get over it.
Thoughts? I havent contacted my ex yet. I won’t until Ive made up my mind because it wont be fair to go in and out of her life either. As I stated, she said she’s excited thst I want to be in her life.
Well everything you are hearing is right, even if it seems to contradict itself…
Yes she still cares about you.
Yes she is confused.
Yes she is trying to move on.
Yes she wants to be with you.
NC is to try to get an ex back and Kevin has a very specific plan to go on from there so you is not just that they come back because they miss you and then they are gone.
Yes NC is also so you can get over them.
Yes if you stay in touch she may change her mind.
Yes if you go NC she may move on.
Yes if you go NC she may come back.
The thing is that there is no absolute right way to go about it. Every situation is different and everything you are reading is just suggestions and you have to decide what is best in your situation. And there are no guarantees with anything in life.
I am sorry you are having such a hard time, we all are or have been there we just come here to hear other peoples opinions to helps us make our own decisions.
All of us that are here are here because we don’t just want to get over our exes
The only thin i can tell you is that I have had, exes that even when I used NC they never came back and I have had another one that did, but but the time he came back I did not want him anymore.
Just take some time and you will figure it out eventually.
LAbound, you were kind answering to me and I wanted to help you too, so I read your posts.
In fact I found a few similarities in behavior of you girlfriend and myself when I was living with my ex. And both relationships were 8y long. So I will just give you my opinion, but as you can see I am defiantly not an expert on this stuff. This is just me trying to tell you her view on this situation. Cause I get this girl.
She just doesn’t know what she wants at the moment, she left for another person cause it was easy for her to attach to him after having sex with him, and you were the person she was attached to for 8y in that way. But it’s just an illusion for her, and she figure that quickly, she doesn’t love this person. She feels quilt for this trust me, but you kept perusing her and now she is thinking you will always be there, waiting for her. She is taking you for granted, thinking of you like safe option. She knows she can have you whenever she wants and you know this is true.
At the moment her animal instinct is working not her emotions. She seeks the best possible option for herself. And this she could not do before cause, you were in a long-term relationship. And you were her center. This behavior is natural. That is why she left the first guy so quickly and moved to the next.
And I think this is what she wants, you to be that best option, the cache is, you probably are, but she cannot see that because she still thinks of you like you belong to her, because you lost her, she never lost you. She can’t see how it is to be without you. Once she does she will realize that she made a mistake.
So my advice, remember the little stuff she complained about you and that she wanted you to improve in yourself, and do that stuff to become a better person yourself and for her to see, (do not tell her about any of this) but this time when she realizes who you are and who you become, you are not going to be her property anymore, you’re not going to show any interest in her. The best option is for you to find someone else too, someone to shake her to the core, and slap her in the face; you have to literally scare her. She must fear that you no longer love her. I think only then she will come to her senses. Cause now she in fact doesn’t know what she is doing or what she wants.
And you have a guarantee this will work, just look at me xD This is exactly what my ex did to me, and I am now here, listing forums on how to get back with your ex and he is there, having the luxury to chose, whether is it worth coming back to me or staying with this interesting new girl. Deciding what is best for him. And remember, also I was the one who first left him, same situation. The only difference is I figure out very quickly the mistake I’ve made, and then he didn’t want to reconcile to put me in my place. And your ex is still in clouds, cause you are still here, going after her.
I hope I was helpful
Kind regards,
Lacy
Lacy. Thank you sooooo much for your post. That was put in a very clear and understandable way. I thought along the same lines, but you say you were in a similar mindset as my ex and that’s really helpful! Thank you!
I knew it! Now just figure out your further behavior, and be determined. I wish you all the luck and I hope we both get our loved ones back ^___^
You didn’t mention how old are you and your ex?
