Is it too late for NC to be effective if they moved on to someone else?

no-contact-rule
1

My ex-fiance of 3 years broke up with me back in September and moved back to long island (about 2 hours away). She left me because I never really put much effort into the relationship and wasn’t making any progress on trying to get married after I proposed to her. She says that I made her feel mediocre throughout the 3 years we were together and very rarely did i make efforts to make her feel special. She loved me with great intensity and she just wanted me to show some of that love back, but i very rarely did. We ended it on a positive note, saying that once she moves out we will both work on ourselves and try to work on things after some time, we hugged and cried before she set out back home.

I went on vacation alone 3 days after, I had a trip planned and paid for the both of us but obviously went alone since she moved out few days before. She ended up calling me 4 days later saying this guy phil asked her out after he found out she broke up with me. She has been seeing him regularly for the past two months, even admitting she sleeps over his house and that they started being sexually intimate the entire time, but she still made efforts to call me and talk this entire time, even mentioning she wants me to make an effort to come see her. After finding out they were sexually intimate this entire time I ended up blocking her phone number and all her social media accounts since that kind of news really hurt me emotionally.

At no point have we ever gone more than 4-5 days without contact, after finding out that i blocked her she started calling from a restricted number, and seeing as I knew it was her i never picked it up so she started calling me from random numbers… so as a result i picked up not realizing it was her. She always ended bringing up how “if it’s up to you, we will never work on things because you are making no efforts to try to see me”. Basically it was back and fourth like that for a 2 months, all while she was being intimate with this guy the entire time.

Thanksgiving comes around and I simply text her “happy thanksgiving”, we do some light conversation and she brought up how she was drunk Wednesday night and how Phil complained that she kept bringing me up the entire night out with him and his friends. Then she said she ended up having full on sex with him that night. Obviously that hurt me and it started another argument. She ended up calling me right after the text battle and told me that Phil officially gave her an ultimatum after they had sex. Either she gets over me and is with him, or they stop and she works on things with me. So she said she chose him, and that they are officially together after seeing each other for the last 2 months (month and 3 weeks to be exact). She blocks me on social media and blocks my number.

So the Saturday after thanksgiving I decide I should make the two hour trip down to long island, get some flowers and show her that I care and do want to make things work since she never expects me to put in such kind of effort considering i never did such things during our relationship. I ended catching her while she came back home around midnight. We talked in my car and she said she was coming back from dinner with phil at his parents house. Long story short she said how Phil sees the value in her when for 3 years I never did. She started throwing all the negatives in my face saying how I never loved her, I only said I did etc. How Phil makes her feel like she is special and is worth it while she felt mediocre with me. Then she said “Eddie, look at me, I DO NOT LOVE YOU ANYMORE, I am with phil now, he gave me that ultimatum on Thursday and now its final.” She says she really appreciates the gesture and that she realizes that it must have taken a lot for me to make such a grandiose effort. She rejected my flowers and candies saying that she can’t bring those into the house because her father was livid that I showed up at his house like that, and I need to leave before he calls the cops. so I had a very long lonely 2 hour drive home.

We haven’t spoken since I seen her on Saturday night. I’m not sure if this Phil guy is a rebound, but she’s pretty adamant that its too late for me to fix things and that he is really good to her, and that for two months i made no plans to meet up, and now it’s too late. I plan on doing NC from here on out, but is it too late for the NC rule to be effective since she is officially with this other guy less than 2 months after she moved away?

2

The no contact is for you to reflect on what went wrong and try to improve yourself. And it’s for you to accept the fact of a breakup and to be able to have a better relationship with someone else in the future. Wow, showing up at midnight was not a good idea! It doesn’t matter if the other guy is a rebound or not, you have no right to interfere as it will make you look desperate. She is happy with the other guy and said she doesn’t love you anymore, end of story. Get on with your life…

3

First off, I did not show up at midnight, lol. She arrived at midnight because she wasn’t there in the afternoon. Second, we agreed to meet up the weekend before Thanksgiving and she couldn’t wait to see me, but circumstances came up and I couldn’t show last Sunday, so I promised her I’d make an effort to see her this weekend. I just kept my promise. So according to your logic I’m the villain for not trying to meet up with her for two months, and now that I finally did I’m also the bad guy wow. Talk about contradicting advice

4

Oh and speaking of the devil, guess who just called me. Didn’t pick up of course. But she left me a voicemail saying “hey, it’s Alexis, I just been worried about you and I just Wanted to make sure that you are good. You don’t have to call me back if you don’t want to, but I just hope that you are doing well”

5

Wow, talk about contradicting yourself. You want to try and get her back, but you don’t make the EFFORT to answer the phone? Sounds like you’re playing a childish game with her.

6

It’s not a childish game, I’m applying the advice that is on this very website. It clearly states 30 days NC NO MATTER WHAT. Unless this website just gives advice on how to play games with people. Which one is it? You are basically telling me I’m wrong for following the 5 steps that this website provides lol. The contradictions are amazing thus far.

7

The 5 steps are guidelines but you should do whatever you think is best considering the circumstances of the breakup. She broke up with you for not making enough effort during the time you were together and now you’re making no effort, even though she contacted you.

But the very best advice is to not get between her and the other guy while they’re together.

8

Her phone message "But she left me a voicemail saying “hey, it’s Alexis, I just been worried about you and I just Wanted to make sure that you are good. You don’t have to call me back if you don’t want to, but I just hope that you are doing well”

She sounds like a nice person who cares about you. But the message doesn’t mean she wants to reconcile.

9

If anything, it would seem she’s the one trying to play games. 3 days before Thanksgiving she wants to meet up and make things work, on Thanksgiving she said she had a drunken hookup with the guy on Wednesday but he’s still just a friend, and magically by the end of Thanksgiving she says they are officially together. That’s a lot of drastic change in 4 days don’t you think? That’s confusing as all hell. And now she’s checking up on me. She could just be doing that to keep torturing me while she’s just having sexual escapades with the new guy. What are your opinions on such drastic changes in her mind within a 4 day span?

10

She sounded confused, but after Phil gave her an ultimatum, she chose him and told you she doesn’t love you anymore. She said he treats her well and maybe she doesn’t want to lose him.

I guess by “checking up” on you that you are referring to her asking how you are. But like I said, she seems like a nice person and it doesn’t necessarily mean she wants to reunite.

Being treated well with respect and feeling cherished is a high priority for a woman.

11

Last evening I received a bunch of back to back calls from a restricted number, I know this was her but i’m really committed to this 30 day NC and I do not want to break it. I am doing this for myself because I want to heal and i need the space and time after how brutal she was to me on that Saturday night.

I woke up this morning and I saw another 5 missed calls from a restricted number around 2:30am in the morning, she also unblocked me on INSTAGRAM and left me a text message o IG at around that same time. She asked if I could call her in the morning so we can talk about us. I thought I had her blocked as well, but i guess i clearly didn’t since she was able to text me through Instagram last night. So now she knows I seen her text to me, because i blocked her account on Instagram after I saw the message this morning.

I really need this NC to properly heal and clear my mind. Do I continue this NC or should I break it and tell her I need some space for self reflection and healing and restart the NC again? Should I tell her “you told me on Saturday that you moved on to Phil, I need time to be able to heal and move on as well.”?

12

Yes, let her know you need no contact and tell her whatever you think is best as to why.

Good luck…

13

Hey there, just to provide my two cents…it does sound like she is confused but it is obvious she still has feelings for you. For her to have even spent three years engaged to you and now she calls you and tells you about her new relationship,that means she wants you to see what you’re missing. She felt like you weren’t stepping up to the plate before and maybe her new happy life with Phil will make you care enough to change your behavior to the way she wished you’d treat her before.
If you’re really willing to adjust yourself and treat her with value then I think its important you show that. That might even need to be “as a friend” for a while…just to prove you’re there for her. When she sees that you’re stepping up, she will reconsider staying with Phil.
Also, if you really feel like you need to do NC for 30 days then clearly tell her that you care about her and want to work things out but you need some time. Let her know you will reach out to her soon.

14

So Wednesday morning she calls me again after I made my last post here. I texted her that i’m not picking up because i need time to heal and move on since she has moved on and is with Phil now. She left me a voicemail saying something along the lines of “its funny how saturday you drove 2 hours one way to see me, waited in the car for six hours for me, but now you are not making the effort pick up my calls. Once again proving that you do not care to make an effort and that you will always be the selfish douchebag you always were. Thank you for wasting my time and making me fall for you again” Thats not verbatim, but pretty close to what her voicemail said.

She calls me again a few minutes after that voicemail, so i picked up. Obviously she had a bit of an attitude after she left me that voicemail, but I tried to explain to her how I felt and how I needed to move on since she’s with phil, and I just needed the space for self healing. She then told me that after saturday she didn’t know how to react that night, and she just needed some time to think and process. That is why she started calling me two days later. She wants to give me a chance.

She said she’s coming to CT to visit her friends this coming Saturday, and asked if I would like to see her and if she should bring our dog. I agreed to both. She came over last night, she slept over. We slept in the same bed and cuddled, no sex though. She asked me if I miss her and i said YES. When I asked her the same question back, She replied that that “she thinks she does”. She said Phil doesn’t know that shes at my house and that shes been avoiding him all week despite his attempts to contact her.

Now idk what decision I should make moving forward, last week she claimed to “be with him” but now she’s here. Idk if we should really try to make things work being 2 hours apart knowing this other guy is only 10 minutes away from her. I fear there is a great chance she may cheat on me with him if we ever decide to get back together.

15

Basically she’s cheating on Phil by contacting you and staying over. But it sounds like she would like to try and reunite if you change and make more effort to show you care and love her. It could be little things like texting sweet things, calling more often, and making plans to have fun together whenever you travel to see her or she comes your way. Maybe buy something she would like once in a while as a surprise, like a cute necklace etc… Always treat her with respect and never call her names. Try very hard not to argue! Talk about positive things and fun things…

She needs to make a final decision what to do about Phil. And you two need to discuss how things will change for the better as to what each of you will do to meet the needs and desires of the other.

I can tell you that most women will not cheat on a man she loves and who treats her with kindness at all times. A guy who proves by his actions that he loves her too…

I hope it works out the way you both want and good luck:)

16

Since the day I went to go see her on thanksgiving weekend everything has been on the up and up, we have been talking and texting every single day, she came over a week later and stayed the night, but we weren’t intimate. Before she left to go home she said that she wants to work on things and plans on never seeing Phil again.

It’s been two weeks since she slept over, and we have been in touch every single day without a single argument or negative incident. Earlier this week I texted her to ask if she wanted to go to NYC this weekend to see the Christmas tree in Rockefeller center. She called me immediately after that text and asked me why I wanted to go see the tree, so i answered “because I want to go see it with you”. She then asked again, “but why” so i answered “because I know you love going to see the tree and I would love to go see it with you, I know it would make you happy”.

When I said that I immediately noticed the change in her voice, her voice went from being weary and defensive to something more cheery and happy, but I also felt she was trying to hold that happiness back and still be distant. She stated “it’s a little hard for me to trust you being this nice and wanting to do ‘gay cutesy’ things with me when you never really cared about doing so before, I find it to be suspect”. So I told her I know I was not like that before, but I am actively trying to change for the better and I am showing her I am putting forth the effort in doing so, and seeing the tree with her would mean a lot to me.

Long story short, her close aunt just passed away a day after we had that conversation, she was suffering from MS and her services are to be held on saturday, so our plans to go see the tree had to be canceled. Sunday is supposed to be a complete washout so we will not be going then either. So instead I proposed to drive 5 hours rounds trip to long island just so I can take her out to dinner and possibly a movie. She said that it would be annoying for me to do all that, so i answered “I drove 5 hours round trip and waited around for another 6 hours to see you 3 weeks ago for only 10 minutes… doing all that to get a dinner and a movie with you will totally be worth it by comparison.”

That was yesterday, and she started opening up to the idea of me coming to see her on sunday, she even told me what movie she wanted to go see. Later that night I send her two selfies of myself while im at the gym, she told me I look very good but when I sent her the second picture she started bringing up the negative past out of no where. “why did you have to fuck it up, I was so happy”, so I replied with “I’m putting in my effort, I’m trying to make things right, we will be happy”. Then she says every time she looks at me she feels angry and upset about the past. I told her she has every right to feel that way, but at the same time it’s all water under the bridge and we have to leave the past behind and build a more positive future, that dwelling on the negatives in the past will get us no where fast. So I brought up the fact that she probably needs more space and I am willing to give her that. She never replied.

Later that night, while I was sleeping, she sent me some instagram quotes that said “when she was invested, showing effort and care. That’s when you should have loved her” and the second one “if you repeatedly have to tell someone the exact same thing about how you feel and nothing changes, they don’t respect you”. That’s what I woke up to this morning. So 3 weeks went without incident, and now this. Idk if I should even make the effort to go see her on Sunday if she is feeling so negatively about me currently. I think a 30 NC would be beneficial in this scenario, it would help her let go of all the negatives from the past and let her settle down a little. This is all so confusing.

17

Wow, it’s been about 3 months since the breakup and yet she’s still holding a grudge against you even though you’re willing to change and make the effort to reconcile. It’s as if nothing you do or say will be good enough. But if she doesn’t cancel Sunday, try one more time. Go see her and have a nice time. If she’s still holding resentments, go no contact again or move on…

In my opinion, she is making this much more difficult than it needs to be. Perhaps she will even continue to throw up her negative thoughts indefinitely. It seems she’s intentionally trying to sabotage your efforts and that must be very frustrating!

Good luck:)

18

So I mentioned how I was planning to see her on Sunday the 15th, well that Saturday she texted me saying she doesn’t think its a good idea for me to come see her on Sunday. She said she wants to work on things but still has anger towards me and she doesn’t want her mood to affect our time together. “I want to approach this with an open mind and not anger, and I am not in that place right now. We’ll come see you next weekend since I will be off. I love you a lot, and I truly want to work on things, but I am still angry”

I told her that I understand and that I will respect her wishes, then she said “I’m hesitant you know? what makes this time different, like what can i do differently to make you happy. I don’t want to go back to how things were and me constantly worrying if you’re happy and if you love me. I’m angry you couldn’t be who I needed when I was madly in Love. You took what we had for granted and it kills me”. So I told her she has every right to be angry and that I don’t blame her for it at all, but she also has to let the anger dissipate if we truly want to work on things together.

So the entire week goes by, we talked and texted every day. No issues there. The weekend comes along and she went out with her co workers and her boss to celebrate the “company christmas” Friday night. She calls me at 6am on Saturday morning while I’m on my way to work, she said she was just getting home and that after the company party she went home with one of her bosses videographers, and thats where she was coming from. She was very adamant that nothing happened. He was obviously trying to get laid, and she admitted she was too, but she claims that in the end she couldn’t go through with it because she still loves me a lot. She was clearly slightly under the influence from what i could tell, and she started rambling about the past again and how “I don’t know how im still so stuck on you even though your such a shitty person, I don’t get it etc.” I tried my best to dissolve the negativity and asked if she’s still coming later that night. She said she needed some sleep first.

About 6-7 hours later she calls me while I’m at the gym. The conversation starts off innocent, she’s wondering what to buy her mom for her Christmas stocking, she mentioned how she was trying to finesse the random guys she went on dates with to get her some presents and she wasn’t able to get anything. So I told her I got her a gift, the night before I want to zales and got her a nice little sapphire necklace, nothing extravagant. She was shocked and said “why? we aren’t together, you don’t have to buy me anything, let me just finesse these random guys to buy me something lol. Besides you never really bought me anything before”. I simply said, “what does then have anything to do with RIGHT NOW?”, she got silent and had no answer for that… there was a moment of silence and she basically agreed with me.

She then said she may not be able to come over saturday night because she has to fill in a night shift, but I can come see her on sunday after she gets out of work. Then somehow she started bringing up how angry she is with me still. She says she wants nothing more than to come to me so we can be happy together, but she knows that if she comes and has sex with me that everything will be fine in her mind, and that she will start coming to see me during all her free time, she will be back in love. So i light heartedly said “ok, I guess we will never be intimate”. That set her off, “no, that’s not what I said, see… its like talking to a wall, you don’t get me, you are just a selfish asshole etc. etc.” and she rambled on like that for a few minutes. I told her I was trying to be lighthearted and she says “you don’t get to be light hearted, you don’t get to see me because I know that if we go back to being happy again you will just get comfortable and go back to being how you used to”

“I want to be with you more than anything but then I think back, why am I here in long island and not in CT with you? why am I sleeping alone in my bed in my parents house? Why could’t we just be happy? Why did I have to move away for you to realize what you lost? that makes me so angry”. So I told her its been 3 months already, she needs to let it go, she cannot live in the past or we can never get over this. She just hung up in my face and I haven’t heard from her since. So back to square one.

I know everything would be fine if she just gave me the opportunity to see her, to show her I really care… I just want to be happy and be a better person not just for her… but for myself, and it’s so frustrating because it doesn’t have to be this difficult.

19

What a mess! She sounds very immature. I think you should try to think what this would be like in the long run. Stop thinking and getting happy by a few nice things she says. She will always throw the past in your face whenever you say or do something she doesn’t like.

20

I agree Patricia, at this point no matter what I do or say will do anything to move us in a positive direction.

We were supposed to see each other this weekend so I can give her the Christmas gift i bought her, but she still kept pulling the “I’m angry with you” card. Instead she went out with her friends and then later, Sunday night, she went on a first date with some random guy she met on a dating app. She texted me merry Christmas on Monday afternoon, and then she bragged about how the guy spent $250 on their dinner Sunday night, and for some reason she of course felt the need to brag about how she went over his house right after. She told me she wanted to have intercourse with him but he was feeling anxious and couldn’t make it happen “physically” after “they tried”.

At this point idk if shes making these things up try to hurt me or if she’s actually doing these things and bragging about them, to once again, make me feel jealous and hurt me further. We texted back and forth for a while and I said how I feel like I’m being emotionally strung along and getting played. She asked how so, and I listed all the obvious reasons. I asked her if she trully wants to work on things or does she just plan on continuing to play with me emotionally. She says a part of her wants to, but a part of her still hates me. At that point I told her my intention to start a period of NC. She was blowing me off with the usual “k bye” quick replies.

I told her to not brush me off like I’m nothing. I told her I’m serious about making things work if she wishes the same and that a NC period is essential for us to mentally reboot since we are going no where fast. She simply replied “Hopefully we can talk in a month Eddie. Happy New years”. And we left it at that. My plan is to NC for 30 day at least, although she tried calling me at 2am last night, it woke me up from my sleep, but obviously I did not pick up. I notified her of my intentions on monday and told her im not doing this to ignore her, that I want to do this because I truly want to make this work. So she can’t say im ignoring her and not putting in any effort.