Is it over or is he freaking out?

not-your-ex
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Hey guys. I came to this back in May because my ex and I broke up. A week later we got back together. I didn’t wait 30 days, however 4 days of no contact was all it took before he realized I was the one for him. We’ve now been together for 8 months and things have been going great. Met his family, he told me he loved me, brought me to his best friend’s wedding in his hometown… all amazing stuff!

Now fast forward to the present.

Lately he’s been extremely stressed at work. During these times, I’ve given him space and let him come to me. Sending him minimal txts and calls. On top of his already stressful work life, an event happened last week that put him over the edge. His partner is being investigated and my BF was guilty by association. They were terminated from the firm. And left with no pay out.

Last week was a whirlwind. At first he seemed to brush it off. As usual I thought he needed space only to find out from him that he wanted me around for support. I felt somewhat defeated as I thought I was doing the right thing by giving him space. We both chalked it up to a miscommunication. The rest of the week we were somewhat irritable towards each other. Thinking back now, I was clearly PMSing and could not snap myself out of it. Friday we hit a wall and I felt I wasn’t doing anything right. Trying to be there for him while I was PMSing. We agreed we were both on edge. He was trying to soothe me and we eventually started joking with each other. I fell asleep. Out of nowhere he says this feels awkward and his life has changed, his priorities have changed, and he needs to rethink everything in his life, including us. I was shocked only because I thought we had settled it. I said “hey whoa… So we had a little disagreement. You can’t give up. This stuff happens. I know tonight I was not myself and all night I was telling myself to stop. I wanted to have a great night with you”. We sat for awhile then decided to go to bed. We wake up in the morning and I ask how he’s feeling. He feels the same. Rethinking. And says he needs to go home and focus and strategize. We walk downstairs together and part ways. I called him in the evening. No answer. Texted him “Hey you. How’s it goin?” (Stupid question). No reply.

I miss him dearly and understand he’s going through quite the whirlwind. I’m afraid I lost him for good. I wish I didn’t act the way I did. I should have realized what I was doing and stopped it.

Now I’m not sure what to do besides wait and give him time. I can’t imagine our relationship ending over something like this. He must be going through so much… Is it me or is this beyond our relationship and something he simply needs to deal with on his own? And eventually he’ll come back around?

Thoughts?

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Guys! Help!

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Hey,

I basically already said this in the other thread but agree with you that you should give him space right now. The more you push, the more he fades away. I’ve learned this the hard way. Basically everything your instincts are telling you to do, don’t do.

I think you guys are going to be ok. It sounds like he really loves you.

Hopefully some other people can offer their advice…

Be strong.

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Thanks. How can you tell he loves me? He’s never flat out ignored me before. But then again he’s never been in this situation either. I just don’t get why he has to push me away. So we had a few had nights together… no need to give up on me.

I’m going to start NC. It mostly bugs me that I’m not sure where I stand with him. It’s been 5 days since we’ve talked.

Going crazy!!!

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Well, I mean you said the first time you broke up he realized how much you meant to him after 4 days and then just all the stuff you said about the last 8 months…meeting his family, best friends wedding guys only do that when they love you. You are obviously very important to him.

He’s been ignoring you for 5 days?

I don’t really understand why he is ignoring you when you are still in a relationship, I’m no relationship expert I mean look at my situation. Not great.

It’s pretty messed up that you don’t really know where you stand. But maybe he really does just need space right now to sort out everything on his own. It sounds like he’s been through a horrible ordeal. I really hope it works out for you guys. Keep us posted. Hang in there!

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We talked tonight. He said it was hard for him to verbalize but long story short he’s gotta focus on his career right now. He said he has to get his “mojo” back. Not that I made him lose his mojo, but he had to focus on career and he doesn’t think it’s fair to me.

I was calm the entire time. He asked what I thought. I told him I support him. I care about him. And it’s silly to push me away. Then I asked if this is truly what he wanted. He said “why are you asking me like that?” I said “cause I know you made the mistake once before, and I want to make sure you’re 100% sure”. He couldn’t tell me yes. In fact he had to get off the phone (sounded choked up). He said he couldn’t talk right now and has to get off and he will call me back. I calmly said ok.

He calls me back again and says “yes, I thought about it I don’t think a relationship is what I can focus on right now. It’s not fair to keep you in limbo.” Again, I calmly said “ok”. He sorta repeated himself. Again I said “ok”. Then I asked if that was that? He said “well… yeah I think so. You don’t really seem phased by this”. I calmly said “Jeff. Are you kidding? Of course I’m phased. But I can’t beg you to stay”. Then I told him exactly what was on my mind.

I said:
I don’t mind giving him space. His drive and motivation are things I love about him. Take the time you need to figure out your stuff. Don’t push me away. When you feel confident in your career again you’re going to want loving people around you. I know women, and most of them would not give you the space you need. But I support you. Life is about the people around you who love and care about you. Money comes and goes.

He was confused. He couldn’t stick to his decision. He was frustrated (not at me). I asked him what he wanted. He said he wants to feel grounded and that he feels vulnerable with the business. I told him that’s ok. You can’t be in control all the time. Sometimes you just have to let life lead the way. He said “that’s why we’re so much alike”.

The conversation went more or less back and forth like that. I felt I was talking a lot, tried to listen, but he kept asking me questions about what I thought.

Then he asked if he could have a few months to think. I said “whaaaaat?” He laughed and said he was joking. Then he said maybe just the weekend. I said “well… I’m very sure about this. So maybe you already know?” He said “what are you so sure about?” I said “that I enjoy my time with you. Simple as that.” He’s like “yeah…” Then he said he had to go again and he’d call me before bed.

At this point I’m thinking… He’s the type of person to say yes or no when he wants/doesn’t want something. He couldn’t say yes or no right now.

He calls back. He mentions how weird things felt last week. I agreed. He said “last Friday just came out of nowhere. I thought what the heck”. I said I know that’s not what I wanted to happen.

Then we got off topic a little and talked about something he saw on Facebook. Talked a little about my friends (he saw them the other day).

I told me he wants to feel strong again. I said I had one piece of advice for him. He said “grrrrr”. I said “okay you’re right. You’ll figure this out. Don’t need my advice.” He told me he may have found another job. He’s looking into it (he gave me the name then I made a joke about it…).

Then he said he needed to get to bed. And he wanted to sleep on all this. I said okay. We said good night.

I called him back. He answers “yesssss?” I said “I just wanted to give you piece of advice. My advice is you’re already strong. Remind yourself of that”. After a pause he said “you’re right. Thank you for saying that.” I said “yep. I wanted to say it earlier but you grrrr-Ed me. And I knew I wanted to tell you so I could sleep”. Then I said “…and last week. When things were weird… You know that wasn’t me, right?” He says “oh yes I know.” I said okay good.

I’m having a hard time letting him go. Trying so hard to hold on. I don’t know what to do.

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He sounds really conflicted. I mean it’s a good sign that he thinks he just needs through the weekend to sort things out, right? I don’t know.

Your situation sounds so much like mine.

Right after my boyfriend broke up with me the first week, he said he just needed some time to think and that he was feeling really conflicted about if he could be in a relationship right now. He said the same thing about not wanting to leave me in limbo. At the end of the week, he was still conflicted but he didn’t want to lose me in his life and he missed me so much all week. But he said I just can’t be in a relationship right now. He displayed hot and cold behavior the next few weeks, we hung out a few times and he was really affectionate and treated me like I was his GF again. But then he blew me off after we made plans one day and sent me that “you deserved better” text. I haven’t heard from him since and that’s when I started NC 12 days ago now.

The difference is you guys are still together. I hope your situation doesn’t turn out like mine has. I have been so confused by my ex boyfriend’s behavior and I don’t know why he is not talking to me right now. I guess he is stubborn as hell.

I would say just give him the space he needs through the weekend and then you guys should talk again. Maybe he just needs a few days to gain some clarity. He sounds a lot more mature than my ex. I really hope it works out for you.

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Any update?

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Do you want the long or short version…?

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I’ll give you both. :slight_smile:

Short version: we are still together, but he’s still in a slight funk. More about that soon…

Long version: after the conversations last week (posted above) he calls me the next night. I accidentally hung up on him… Oopsies. So I called him back. He’s like “what the heck who do you think you are hanging on me?” Joking, of course. So the convo started off fun, which was good.

We talk normal stuff, about our days, what I did that night, what I had for dinner, etc. Then… he says “I’m going through a lot right now. I just wanted to let you know.” I said “I know. And I understand.” He says “aaaah why are you so nice?” Ha. I said “I’m just understanding. And I understand you’re stressed.” He told me he just wants to focus, which he was doing and he’s getting good results. I asked if there was
anything I could do to help. He said I was doing everything right. Then he asked me to dinner.

The next day while I was at work, he sent a txt asking about my day. Later called and said “I’ve been thinking…” Oh jeez not again! Then said “I shouldn’t shut the good things out so quickly when times get rough”. Duh. I do uld have told you that… I didn’t say that of course I just agreed.

He calls a second time and says he’s not feeling the wedding we planned to go to the next day. I said “oh ya no problem”. He’s like “whoa… are you sure?” Sounded very surprised. I said “yes I completely understand”. He’s like “why are you ok with it?” I said “because you told me you aren’t feeling social. And I don’t want to make you do something you don’t want to do”. He’s like “wow… That is awesome. I need to get back to my old self again and give compliments again. You are a good woman”. I said “that is really nice of you to say”. :slight_smile:

Dinner was good. He brought up “the last week” at least 5 times. He said I was so calm and collective. Which he isn’t used to with women. He liked how I just gave him the chance to “figure out what he wants to do” without getting pissed. He said I was a good girlfriend. He said I was a " fuss fart" last week and he doesn’t deal well with that (his past GFs were nuts). He said he needs to be more communicative. All good things, right? And I didn’t bring anything up. I just agreed with him and let him talk.

He didn’t come to the wedding, which was fine. He walked my dog for me and was at my apt when I got back. He texted me during the wedding. I could tell he was down… made a comment about how he’s feeling self conscious. I made sure to give him compliments to remind him he’s great.

The rest of the weekend was great. Even though he’s still in a funk, at least we’re talking and seeing each other.

I haven’t seen him since Sunday night. But we talk every day. He told me he’s not feeling himself and made a comment about “starting fresh and moving somewhere new”. I said I’m not sure moving is the answer.

I know he’s going through a lot and I’m extremely happy he thought against breaking up with me over this… but I can’t help but worry WHEN he’ll feel himself again. Last night he was telling me all the work he’s been doing and how he’s very tired. Mentioned he might have to go out of town this weekend…

I’m willing to give him what he needs to feel himself, but I also want to make sure I’m still in the picture when he does.

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I’m glad you are still together! It sounds like he just needs to time to work this all out. I totally understand how you are feeling. Keeping my fingers crossed for you. Keep me posted. Sending positive thoughts your way.

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He just broke up with me…

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Oh no!!! What? Why? I’m so sorry girl. :frowning:

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Basically same stuff as before… not feeling 100%, his mindset isn’t on a relationship right now, he’s not fully present in the relationship because he wants to focus 100% on his business. He said he wants to succeed and put himself out in the world and he just needs to be alone right now.

Makes no fricken sense.

I’m so lost right now. Having a hard time finding my place in the world.

Any words of wisdom?

How is your situation/NC?

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Oh man. That really sucks. I wish I had words of wisdom, I wish I had the answers. But, I don’t. The most important thing I have learned over the past few weeks is I have to put myself first, not my relationship. So as cliche as this may sound, you should focus on yourself. Try and find happiness outside of him, I know its hard. I struggle with it too. Do things that make you happy. Hopefully he will realize the mistake he made.

My situation is the same. I’m on day 20 of NC, haven’t heard a thing from him at all. I think I will contact him after 30 days of NC, but I’m not sure yet. I have a feeling I’m going to get a similar response to what your bf said to you. That he can’t handle a relationship right now.

Are you going to try NC again? I feel terrible for you, him breaking your heart twice. Ugh, why are relationships so hard sometimes?

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What kinds of things have you done to focus on yourself? All I’ve wanted I my life is a partner in crime. Someone to travel with and just live life with. I thought I met him and now he’s leaving me. It’s terrifying that he’s gone.

What sort of things have gotten your through NC?

The only thing I can do is NC. He made his decision so now we both have to live with it. I hope he wakes up next week completely regretting it.

The right relationship at the right time won’t be hard. Our relationship was flawless up til his business took over everything. Everything was so easy.

Have you dated anyone since the breakup?

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What if he DOES contact you next week? Or tomorrow? Will you accept him with open arms as if nothing happened?

First of all, I commend you for being so patient and thoughtful. He’s extremely lucky to have a GF like you and he knows this and told you so. So why did he leave?

This is just a theory and I don’t even know him, so please don’t feel offended by what I’m about to say. But it seems that in his difficult period, he discovered you could be incredibly patient and he is counting on that to feel free to do his thing and get his mojo back because deep down he thinks you’ll be there for him, if he wishes to go back. At the same time, he probably thinks he’s being fair by distancing himself from you, since you’re not his priority and “you deserve better”.

Well, you know what? I agree with him, I think you do deserve better. You can’t be a backup plan and come second. You need to put yourself first, like it’s already been said.

I’m rather impulsive sometimes (and yeah, I’m single at the moment, so probably not the best example out there), but in your position in this exact moment, I’d explain him that you wouldn’t be always available like you have been so far, that you have also been thinking about your relationship and realized that, considering his behavior these last few days, you would also need to make myself a priority, just like he’s doing with his career. Oh, and that you really deserve better.

So, this would basically be his last call. If he’s confident he needs to leave this time and not have you by his side, then he needs to know that you’ll also be making decisions of your own and there’s a heavy chance you won’t be there if he decides to get back. You will only accept being in a relationship where you are treated as a priority, because otherwise you’ll just become a secondary character in someone else’s life. And that will inevitably lead you and others not to respect you as a person. Remember, you are not his sidekick! You’re your own star. Good luck!

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I have started working out a lot more and I have put energy into getting in the best shape of my life. In fact, I have dropped a whole pant size over the last two months. Feels incredible.

I’ve just done things that make me happy. I love football, so I have been going to alumni watch parties for my school. I’ve been focusing on my career goals, I’ve been going out with friends and people that make me feel good.

Today, I went out and did a little shopping. I’ve also started a couple of new hobbies.

Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been easy for me. I actually cried for a solid 20 mins today about my ex.

The things that have gotten me through no contact are my supportive friends. My one friend had a falling out with her bf last year (he cheated, they broke up) and did NC on three separate occasions and after many months of NC and building their relationship back slowly she has him back. So her as an example has helped me stick to it.

Also, just trusting in the leap of faith, it took me a while to believe in NC but it has helped me heal and I do feel stronger than when I started it. I feel calmer about everything. I still cry sometimes and I’m still scared but I know no matter what I’m going to be ok.

It’s also has been a mentality for me when I’m feeling particularly sad, I tell myself that he is still missing me and he is still thinking about me. And it helps a little. Also thinking that if he doesn’t want me back after all is said and done ,that it’s his loss not mine. Because I’m an incredible person.

I went on one date with someone, I didn’t enjoy it. I wanted it to end the second it started, I kept thinking about my ex the whole time. I’m not ready to date other people. It would just be a rebound.

I would say try and go the whole 30 days NC. If he texts you don’t respond. The only reason you should break NC is if he specifically says he wants you to be his girlfriend again. If he just texts to see how you are don’t respond. He won’t forget about you. He won’t move on. He will miss you even more. (this is what a lot of experts say). Fill your 30 days with friends, hobbies, work, shopping…whatever makes you happy. Focus on your happiness, healing and getting your confidence back. You will be infinitely more attractive to him.

You can do it! It’s going to be ok. I know exactly how you feel and I’m still doing NC just like you. You are not alone. I know you are in a lot of pain right now. But just remember pain is temporary. I’m here for you! :slight_smile:

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The last two posts were awesome to read. Thank you guys. Please keep posts like this coming! I need them.

teresaa: you’re right on everything. Him and I both know that I deserve someone who will be 100% present and working towards building a life with me. He knows he is not at that place right now and I respect him for knowing this about himself and for letting me go. It doesn’t make it any easier though. We had something amazing. It’s hard to understand why it all had to happen this way. Why couldn’t it just work out for once? I know in my heart we could have been happy together. And it simply sucks to know he wanted to put his business first. I won’t be contacting him. But I do agree that I hope he realizes I will not be around for whenever he’s ready. I won’t be a second choice/thought/idea. I have more value than that.

I keep thinking of Carrie and Mr. Big from Sex in the City.

Dopierk: your words helped me so much. Knowing you and I’m sure tons of other people feel the same way I do and are getting through it.

I am trying to remind myself that I’m high value and it is HIS loss. Not just mine. I keep thinking about all the awesome things I’ll miss out on not being with him… But need to remember he’s missing out on some awesome things with me too. It’s not all about him.

I was out for a friend’s birthday over the weekend and actually met someone. It was refreshing but today I am really missing the ex…

:frowning:

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I’m glad we were able to help! Stay strong.

Trust me I miss my ex too. All the time. But it will get easier during NC. I’m on day 24 now and I feel like I have a lot more clarity. You will feel that way too if you start focusing on yourself. I’m going to contact him next week but at this point if it doesn’t work out, HIS LOSS.