Guys… I’m really desperate. A day before Valentine’s Day this year, my boyfriend said he didn’t know what he felt for me anymore. I was more a good friend than his girlfriend to him. I was so confused at that moment. I told him to take a little break for a couple of days and then maybe go on a short holiday with me to make our relationship fun again.
But two days later… he went to my house and said he couldn’t do this anymore. He still loved me, but as a good friend. He also told me that he found out what he really felt for me, after he got his accommodation for his study in the big city. Somehow I understand, because he is discovering exciting thing there and meeting new people. And when I asked if he met a girl he may liked more than me, he said no. And I really believe him. I know him for 4 years now and he is the most honest and pure guy I’ve ever met. He’s also my first boyfriend and I’m his first, so we’re really connected and honest to each other all this time.
I begged him to give our relationship another chance, because 4 years isn’t just something, right? But he felt that it would only become worse. I still cannot understand… Every relationship deserves a chance!
He wants to be friends now and I’m also still welcome at his home, or I can call him or visit him when I have problems. But that’s not enough for me. I really want him back! And of course I can’t force him, but I really think he is just kind of confused because of his new environment and experiences in the big city.
Please guys, what can I do? I want to follow the no contact plan. Though the biggest problem is: we have the same group of friend we see almost every weekend. AND his birthday is coming up, this monday, and I was invited. But I’m not planning to go there… And he knows.
Im going through the same thing, ive done a month of no contact and feel amazing - I initially did it to make my ex miss me, but its a huge healing process and a great break to figure yourself out and realise that you can get along with life without him (I was with my ex for 3 years and he did the same thing, we survived a year abroad together and were best friends before/during the relationship)
At the moment he knows he can just call you up and your on the hook. Let him simmer for a bit, wonder where you are, make him miss you! Show him your not dependant on him, that your an independant woman! Dont go out with your friendship group every weekend if hes going to be there -do something else and make him wonder what your doing
Your too easy for him at the moment, and thats not attractive to guys. Make yourself unavailable, meet new people, start new things…nothing is more attractive than a strong, confident woman! And nothing is least attractive than a girl who is desperate (and if you are definately dont show it!)
Speaking from experience - I was exactly the same as you a month ago!
Thanks for the kind reply, I really appreciate every kind of advice!
A few days ago I said to him that I wanted to have no contact for a while and I said afterwards something like “I will see you again some day”. And he was immediately “wait, let me think. I don’t know if I want to”. I told him the reason, that I needed time to heal and to get rid of my feelings for him. He agreed with me that it was the best solution, but not the most fun.
So we haven’t talked to each other for 4 days now. Although… He once said when we still were in a relationship, that he wanted to go on Tinder for fun if he ever would become single. I already had Tinder a few days after we break up, also for fun, nothing serious. And 2 days ago I saw him on Tinder, just clicked “Like” out of curiosity if he would like me too (and of course I still like him). After 3 minutes I got a message saying I had a match with my ex… He said he just installed Tinder and I was his first match! Well, isn’t that true love?
I know I can sustain the no contact rule, but I think will feel guilty if I won’t congratulate him on his birthday… or even visit him. It’s so hard and so unnatural…
trust me, I get that! I still feel like me and my ex are ‘meant to be’ which is very silly! but we found out a few weeks befor ewe broke up that his stepdad used to live with my auntie when they both went to university! We used to joke and say its fate! haha.
But seriously I get that its hard. But you HAVE to!! It will really, really help you and really make him appreciate you too. My ex when he left after he broke up with me kept saying ill see you soon yeh yeh ill see you soon…but I havent, and that was a month ago!! I still miss him and love him with all my heart, but you have to make him miss you. constant contact with him will drive him further away - give him a chance to see what life is like without you - and to make him realise what hes lost. You need to put the fear back in him that you will not be at his every beck and call. At the moment his ego is probably through the roof - yes he will miss you and care about you, but for a guy who has just broken up with his gf a weight will be off his shoulders, and he’ll be thinking your sitting at home, moping about and missing him. Not attractive! He won’t stop loving you or thinking about you - but you need to show him what he’s missing by not being with you.
Personally, I’ve found 30 days really really hard. I’ve cried most days and its only the past 2 days I havent. He’s going to a party tonight and I’m super scared that he’ll get with someone - however, I’m also going out. Im planning on contacting my ex this weekend once the 30 days are up. Very scared!!
Congratulate him on his birthday, but just that. Dont ask how he is, don’t ask what hes up to…he needs a break from you, and you from him. a month ago I would NEVER have believed that if someone told me, but trust me, I went through exactly the same and you don’t want to give him the satisfaction of him having his cake and eating it (not being with you but still getting your attention). Say “Happy Birthday, have a lovely day! :)” and leave it at that. If he replies then reply, but DO NOT talk about the past relationship, or even mention it. Come across as cool and laid back, as if it never happened. If you do, you’ll drive him away even further and you dont want that at all. Make him regret it!
It would be really hard to not bumping into each other this month. There will be a lot of birthday parties and local festivals we both are going to. And it may be pretty strange for my friends to not come to their birthday, isn’t it? Although they will understand it if I clarify the situation of course.
I’m actually really afraid that he won’t miss me at all, because he is so social and he makes connections very quickly. He is also very physically with many people, hugging and stuff. Also with girls. Yeah, I just trusted him for hundred percent. He’s just totally not the type to cheat, and if he had, he definitely would tell me because we could talk about everything.
Even though he said he would never kiss with random girls, or in his eyes “sluts”, he was almost kissed by two girls when we had a relationship. He didn’t want to of course, but I’m afraid he doesn’t care anymore now…
Gosh it’s hard… We were only 16 and 17 when we started a relationship, but would that be the reason to end one? Because we are so young and still have a long life to live? I’m 21 now and he will be turning 20 this monday. But I’m almost certain that we’re meant to be, because so many things have happened that couldn’t just be coincidences.
I’d love to hear how your ex reacted on your first contact after the 30 days, if you don’t mind!
Nooo of course he will miss you - 4 years is a lot! i thought mine wouldnt but his family all told me he has Thats the same with my ex - hes going to a party tonight and its the first one since we broke up a month ago…am terrified that he will get with someone and forget about me! but we cant think like that
Im exactly the same - we got together when we were 17/18 and now we are 21/22. I think that is the main reason he broke up with me - worried that because we were so young he was missing out on something
but definately stick to no contact as much as possible, it will really help. and in that time improve yourself, whether its taking up activities/going to the gym e.t.c!!
I will! Im really, really scared he wont reply…infact terrified!! Ive progressed so much from crying every day and im scared if I’ll contact him he wont reply and I’ll be back to square one…definately dont want that! which is why ive done the 30 days
make sure your posting fun things that your doing (without him!) to your facebook too!
I signed up for a gym membership after 5 days to lose a few pounds for myself but also for him, because that’s what he secretly wanted. Not that I’m that fat, but a nice body is always welcome haha! I really want to look good and “sexy” when we may accidentally bump or see each other after a long time. I think you do the same?
Hmm, wouldn’t it be better to exclude him seeing my posts? So that he hasn’t a clue of what I am doing after all? So that he craves to ask me what I’m doing? I actually want to ask some of his (and my) friends of family members if he misses me or not, or how he’s feeling right now, but I think that would be a bit strange…
Definately! I’ve had a hair cut and also got job offers which is good
I think you should put a few things up-if you are out with friends, take a group photo of you happy and smiling To you it might seem mysterious if you don’t put anything up but remember, boys are idiots. If you stay quiet and don’t put anything at all up, he will think you are doing nothing and waiting around for him-something that you definitely do NOT want.
I wouldn’t contact his family to ask if he misses you, it would be strange and also sound like you can’t live without him. What I did was I sent a text to his mum, in a very cheerful manner, saying " just wanted to say thanks so much for having me over the past 3 years, I always had a great time! Hope the dog is well, lots of love! xxx"
It went down really well with his mum and I got a very sweet message back-but don’t ask about him. He hasn’t asked about you, so you shouldn’t ask about him.
Hey I just wanted to chime in from a guy’s perspective in a similar situation. My ex of 5 years dumped me and I was heartbroken. Her birthday was also coming up. We went NC for about a week before her birthday, then on her birthday I sent her just a short, sweet text wishing her a happy day and that I hope she’s doing well. So I would say definitely wish him a happy birthday because obviously you still care about him and it’s just a kind gesture.
Also, about sending the mom a text. I did that to her mom because I was really close with her family. I sent her a text saying how I was sorry about the things that went down between us and how I know she was the best thing to enter my life and that I have nothing but love for all of them. Well apparently that made her mom cry a lot and she wants us to get back together soon. So if you haven’t already, I’d say send a nice text to his parents!
Feel free to ask me anything I’d love to give you more perspective.
You’re right Amy, I need to post happy things, as if I don’t need him to do fun things. Even though that’s the only thing I want of course, to do fun things with HIM… But I’m scared he would think something like “I’m happy she still do fun things with other people”, so that he doesn’t need to worry about me. Because he still does.
Maybe I’ll send his parents a message on his birthday, wishing them a nice day. A few days after the breakup they sent me that they will miss me and that I’ll always be welcome, so that was really sweet of them. I didn’t really had a close bond with them, although they were very kind to me.
Thanks Ryan! It’s always good to see a situation from a man’s perspective. Yes that’s correct, I still do care a lot about him and of course I don’t want to show the opposite.
I’m so scared that he really doesn’t want me back anymore, he was so certain about his choice to make an end to our relationship. He was thinking about it for two weeks. And then I think, why didn’t you tell me earlier about your feelings? I feel a little betrayed because of that.
How is your situation now? Are you still doing NC or have you already made contact with your ex?
I was here eating my slice of pizza and I stopped when you said he was thinking about it for two weeks and didn’t say anything. mine was like that too. and guess what one of the last times I was with him (two weeks ago, we broke up 2 months ago) I said:
You know I didn’t really wanted to tell you this but since you are bringing this up (he said the hardest thing is I only realized what I was doing wrong when we broke up) your biggest mistake is you never had a talk with me. You never said “listen, I am not well, I can’t handle this much longer if things don’t change”. I thought we were together, and would keep being together and work things out together. I never ever thought we were going to broke up.
And he was like: I never thought of things like that…
So I hope that got him thinking, and that he did screw up. I know I was the reason why things went bad. But he did screw up too. It was not like there was nothing he could have done to save our relationship. So I really hope that got stuck in his head
Yes that’s exactly the problem I have now too! He never mentioned something about his changing feelings, he kept it for himself. I can’t remember I asked him why when we broke up or after that. I think I never did, but I’m afraid to ask now. Especially because I’m doing the NC now.
I know there were things I did that he didn’t like, such as not doing any sports and being lazy or always watching movies or tv when we were together instead of doing other things. And even when I told him I wanted to change for him (and for myself, fur US), he didn’t want to give the relationship another chance…
Oh guys, i had exactly the same - though mine said he had been thinking about it for a week! One week of him panicking, he didnt contact me or ask my opinion, just said HE felt like we needed a break from each other and that HE didnt want a serious relationship. After 3 years and choosing a drastic decision like that after a week and not talking to me about it…
What are men like hey!! Im hoping that these rash decisions of theirs make them regret it when it sinks in.
Yeah it’s a horrible way, thinking all by yourself…
I wish my ex said that he has hopes to work things out. But he said to me that he can’t give me hope anymore, and that’s so terribly painful. How can you be so sure? How can you just let someone go you loved and cared so much for? And not even trying to make it better.
Bleh… I’m just invited for his birthday party next week with all of our friends, but I just can’t go there. It’s so hard because I really want to. But that will drive him more away from me and that would really put me into his “friendzone”.
No thats what I had to miss noun - mine was so blunt and I even got the “I still love you but this is better for us in the long run” and then he had the cheek to start crying! if he was so upset why was he doing it
Kaila I agree - thats what Im hoping. Mines at a party tonight and Im dreading it - its the first time hes been single and at a huge house party for 3 years…dreading what he’ll be up to! my no contact ends tomorrow too and am so terrified to contact and have him not reply!
Missnouk my ex said he has hopes things will work out. Three weeks later, he said he wants things to work out but he is affraid, doesn’t feel ready, and doesn’t want to give me hopes and doesn’t know if he will ever feel ready.
My ex birthday was this week and he didn’t invite me to any party or anything. We were together the next day after his birthday. He is celebrating this weekend with friends at his family’s house in the country…
Indeed that’s what mine did too Amy! You don’t cry if you’re so certain about your choice, right? You cry because you just don’t know what to do anymore and you need time for yourself to figure it out, but not just end it because you think that’s the best.
I think he will reply to you because the curiosity of how you’re doing will still be there, don’t you think?
Well I know that my ex still cares about me a lot and I’m still very special for him (also a big question “why did you let me go then?”) so he will still invite me for parties. But I just can’t attend. He’s the one that’s already over me, but I’m not…
