Hey everyone, so I’m on day 4 of No Contact and I changed the chat back to normal today (no nicknames, cute animal as an icon) because it hurt me a lot to see everytime I saw it. I know it might have been a deal breaker but I just needed to do it to move on.
Now my ex wrote me right when he saw it:
“you changed the chat back to normal, which is fair enough i guess
I hope your bachelor is going well
ive been ok the past few days”
Why would he say he was okay? Is the break up maybe really the best thing for him because I was too annoying for him? I know he typically is thinking about me too but I kinda believe him that he was okay… This makes me sad now. Does anyone have advice how to continue now? I won’t contact him but I’m really sad now again when the last days were fine. I’m really hurt by how he treated me during the break up and really disappointed but I still want him back. I’m just so confused now
@Anni - I’m sorry for your situation. Sounds like he has very low self esteem and that causes depression. There would be times when he’s feeling good, but then go low again. The hurtful things he said to you are the result of his low self worth and a kind of protective mode to lay the blame for his bad feelings onto someone else. If he started talking with a therapist or even group therapy, it would help a lot. My suggestion is to continue no contact until his birthday in December and focus on your college studies. Don’t worry about changing the chat or what he said about it. And don’t be sad or obsess about his word “ok”. Later on Skype might be nice, if he agrees. Wish you luck:)
@patricia12 Thank you so much for your reply! It always helps to hear the perspective of other people and I think you are right. He needs to figure out himself now that he should to talk to people and also that no one can be blamed for the bad feelings he gets.
Once No Contact is over I’d love to tell him how disappointed I am though how he treated me, how he let me fall and how he never apologized but also that I am a strong woman who has changed as well. And I’m not sure how I can do that without putting him into the position again that he gets bad feelings… Do you think I could do that in a second letter or on Skype after his birthday somehow or is it a bad idea when I really want to get him back?
But for now I need to figure out a lot myself. I’m really good at distracting my friends, going out for drinks or coffee and study and being happy and somehow free doing those things even though I miss him and know I don’t want to lose him. It’s a strange feeling.
@Anni Are you still planning to go to Ireland in the spring? Is your family in Germany? I don’t think you should tell him you’re disappointed by the way he treated you or didn’t apologize. Saying those things will only make him feel guilty. Also, don’t tell him you’re a strong woman. It would be like saying, I’m strong and you’re weak. I’m sure he knows he treated you badly and he might someday apologize. When you write in December or when you Skype be positive, letting him know what you’ve been doing and ask how he’s doing etc… I’m glad to hear you’re distracting yourself and enjoying life.
@patricia12 Yes that’s true, I don’t mean to do that… more like that I can handle this break up and am not needy and desperate but I guess he will see that through no contact. I’m just so hurt and disappointed… Thank you for your answers!
Yes I’m still planning to go to Ireland because I really want to work in that design studio for some time. And yes my family lives in Germany.
Patricia, from what I can tell from reading other posts you are very well in giving very objective advices and answers.
Could you give me an advice on following? My ex wrote me this today:
“hey (my name), you asked me to check in in like two weeks or so
im up at (friends name) recording
i dont know how i feel to be honest
im very sad some days
but im working a lot on myself
and I think im slowly getting better
your mandala is very nice
i should start doing them more
that was a part of art therapy
i hope your ok anyway
and im sorry for being the person I was in general”
Shall I just ignore that and continue NC? I’m really confused now but also find it really nice that he apologized.
Guys, I need some advice please. Do you think it’s okay to write following instead of ignoring him completely?
“It’s nice to hear from you. I’m sorry you’re sad. I’m really good but at the moment I need space to concentrate on myself. I will write you once I am ready to talk again.”
@Anni - Sending a short reply would be the polite thing to do since he did reach out to you. If you really need more space, then what you wrote about it is fine. OR you could send the note omitting the part about space and wait to see if he writes again and thereby slowly reconnect. In your reply, you could also say thank you for the apology.
@patricia12 Thanks so much for your answer! I felt already so confused not knowing what to do and so overwhelmed.
“It’s nice to hear from you. Thank you for your apology, it means a lot to me. I’m truly sorry on my part as well and I’m also sorry to hear you’re sad. I’m good, I’m concentrating on myself and feel happier day by day.”
Should I apology again? I have so many times before but I don’t know, I find it so nice of him to apologize finally… What do you think?
It’s nice to hear from you. Thank you for your apology, it really means a lot to me. I’m very sorry on my part, too and also sorry to hear you are sad. I’m good! (Besides being sick in bed for almost a week) I’m concentrating a lot on myself and feel happier day by day.
I’m not sure if I’m ready for a conversation with him. I don’t want to go back to being needy or begging for anything in case he tells me it’s still over.
If it’s getting too much for me I can still write that I think I need a bit more space to concentrate on myself, can’t I?
“That is good, im happy you are feeling more confident and happier every day. that is what i am aiming for too. good to hear from you”
What could I answer on this? Should I answer at all?
I just feel sad now. All the emotions came up. I was able to write him without thinking and now all of that is lost. I want to write something but I don’t know what and if it’s wrong if I do. It’s a strange feeling
@Anni - Did you already send the text? If you didn’t and you’ve already apologized many times before, omit that part. Sure, if you feel you need more space you can let him know. I’m glad he wrote and it seems a good sign he thinks of you:)
Yes I did and he wrote back the text above right away when he saw the message. I just told him how Mandalas help me a lot and that he could try to do them. And that I’m working on another one which I can show him once it’s done.
I’m just so confused I think he wants to move on but that’s not a sign of moving on is it?
UPDATE: He wrote “anyway, im glad you are doing well. send me your mandala when its done so i can have mandala inspiration ?
im going to go eat and then relax and sleep”
So he finished the conversation before I was able to.
I have the feeling he just checked in so he know I’m okay and doesn’t need to feel guilty anymore so he can continue moving on. I could be wrong though…
Do you have any advice on how I should continue? I wanted to send him the mandala maybe tomorrow night or Wednesday night and see. After that I wanted to wait again and improve myself more maybe?
@Anni - I know you must be confused because you can’t possibly know how he feels about you or what his intentions are. If you can accept communications without thinking about what everything might or might not “mean” or lead to, but instead just enjoy the contacts, you could continue without texting too often or asking him how he feels (neediness). I know it would be difficult because you want answers right now, if not sooner, lol. The thing is to take it slow and simply enjoy each contact for what it is. My suggestion is to wait until Wednesday to send the mandala. If he responds with thank you, you could write back you’re welcome. If he responds with more than a thank you, you could write back if appropriate, but keep the conversation very short and upbeat. Since the contacts probably won’t be daily, you can improve yourself if needed. But if you don’t want him to contact you for a while, you could let him know you need space. Please try to calm down. I know it’s easier said than done, but high anxiety won’t help you. It’s great he apologized:) Good luck…
@patricia12 Thank you for your answers! It really helps to see the view of someone who isn’t involved (friends, family) and it helps me to clear my head everytime. I tend to panic easily in situations like this when I don’t know what’s coming, it’s a weird feeling. I try to calm down and take day by day. Thanks again!
Patricia, I got weak. And I made a huge mistake to ask him why he wrote me and then I got so upset and told him that I am okay with working on myself and no contact but that I’m not okay with throwing everything away we had. I feel like I’m going away to begging when I don’t want to, I’m so stupid All the past two weeks were for nothing. He just told me he only contacted me because I told him that I would check in and he was confused that I didn’t. Because he is fine with no contact. I wasn’t ready for contact at all.
UPDATE: He snapped…he went cold again and he asked why did I bring this up and that he misses me but also knows he is sad but never as sad as he was in the relationship. And that I should accept that he doesn’t want a relationship anymore with me. It almost killed me to hear that… I just said I accept the break up and that I want to continue on NC and said bye. I shouldn’t have done this. I was so weak and saw he was online and had the question in my head and then just asked. I wasn’t ready for conversation at all ? And today I started using tinder and I think that made me so emotional because I felt I wasn’t ready to meet new guys.
I’m going back to NC now and will contact him next on his birthday but I feel like I’ve lost him. I cannot make him see what I see, that we had bad moments but many more good ones and that if we work on those(on ourselves) we could be a great couple. I don’t know why he cannot see this.
I feel like I start at day 1 again now.
@Anni - OMG! I can’t believe you asked him “why he wrote” you. I can’t believe you said you’re “not okay with throwing everything we had away”. Of course he snapped! And he asked why you brought it up… I’m wondering the same thing. You put pressure on him and caused a lot of drama. You knew you should’ve taken things slowly, but your emotions got out of control. I do understand that sometimes our emotions drive us to say or do things we regret, but please don’t feel too badly about it. You were right, you just weren’t ready or strong enough for contact yet. But please believe that over time you’ll be able to gain more control over your emotions and actions!
I’m so sorry this happened and you must have been devastated that he said he doesn’t want a relationship with you anymore. I had suggested waiting until Wednesday and just send the mandala. If you haven’t sent it already, don’t send it. Yes, start no contact over again and you could extend beyond 30 day if you feel you need to. What day in December is his birthday? You could send a simple Happy Birthday greeting and that’s it. His depression probably has a lot to do with how he responded and what he said might not even be how he feels deep down inside about you. What about his therapy… is he continuing with it or is he on any medication for depression / anxiety etc…? I know you have high hopes for the way things could be, but he needs to get stable first before a possible great relationship together could occur in the future.
Don’t give up hope:)
Yeah Patricia, I cannot believe it myself… I just felt very emotional. I shouldn’t have written him at all. And to be honest I don’t know if I’m ready to talk to him again if it always brings up those kinds of emotions. I’ll see. I need to concentrate on my studies now and I won’t wait around for him. Of course there will always be hope but I don’t think until he is not realizing that I’m not the monster who tried to pull down the whole relationship and that his mind played many tricks on him during that (and of course the communication caused by the depression), he won’t give me another chance. And that’s okay. Because I cannot be in a relationship with someone who is blaming me all the time when they have a depressive period in their life.
I will continue with NC, his birthday is on day 25 from now on, I’ll send the game and the card but with a simple Happy Birthday from Anni, that’s it.
As far as I know he had his last one to one session with his therapist about two weeks ago and before he told me he didn’t want to bring up the break up because it would cause too much discussion in his last session. When I suggested he could book more sessions with her before group therapy started he declined. And I’m not sure if he will talk about it in group therapy either. I for example go to group therapy to work on my anxieties and then I went to a few one to one sessions now too to talk about the break up and understand my ex and his illness better too. I don’t think he will talk to anyone to be honest which makes me sad. He will maybe mention to his friends how toxic I and the relationship was from his point of view but maybe not even that.
He got so sad during the past year because he got confronted with his emotions and talking about it openly with a person who was as close as he never let anyone before so I think now he will just shut down because he thinks it’s a bad sign maybe because of everything what happened. I hope he finds his way because I care a lot for him as a friend too.
He is taking antidepressants but I’m not sure if they are the right ones…
In the end of the day I always ask myself: Can it all be the depression? Isn’t it maybe all my fault that he got so bad and I’m really the monster? Of course I cannot think like this and I push those emotions aside. But it’s a tough topic to deal with.
