@Anni - Jealousy of him and unfounded fear of losing family and friends can possibly destroy a relationship if you harped on those things. I’ve read a lot of threads and the number one cause of break ups seems to be arguments. No contact will give you time to reflect on your part in the break up and to improve yourself in those areas. Hopefully he will open up more in group therapy because others will maybe share stories similar to his own. You’ve suggested also talking more about relationship dynamics and problems with the group, so maybe he will.
I hope therapy is helping you with your anxiety and glad to hear you will be focusing on your studies too. I guess you’ve let him know all what was in your mind and heart since the break and it always feels good, like a kind of relief or release to do so. And at that point, it can’t do much more harm. Honesty is the best policy is one of my favorite things:) Take care of yourself Anni, you seem to have a good grasp of the situation and I pray all will turn out well for both of you…
Thank you Patricia! I really appreciate your advice.
Yes my jealousy comes from fear to losing people around me and my insecurities which I am improving and feel already more confident with myself and my body. Once I’m out of bed and not sick anymore (which doesn’t help to not get so emotional I guess) I will hit the gym, too to feel even better.
One thing that I always tried to not think about and that cause the jealousy towards my ex too was that he was texting me throughout more than half a year (before we finally met up one year later) while he was seeing 1 or 2 girls during that time. I trusted him and knew he wouldn’t do anything in that direction to hurt me. The jealousy or feeling of loosing him wasn’t rational at all. I really hope I get over that through therapy and also by working on myself.
I didn’t let him know everything because I thought it was unfair to bring up negative feelings again. I wrote him an E-Mail saying why I started NC and why I want to continue for both him and myself.
In the end everything happens for a reason and I believe in faith. If we stay good friends, we will stay good friends, it is what it is.
Thanks so much again Patricia, much love to you too!
A few months ago, my ex and I broke up because I was addicted to a online chat… and he didn’t like it cuz guys were giving me attention and tbh it just wasn’t healthy…
I begged him, and did everything what I shouldn’t have done, when I was ready to give up… he came back. It took 3 months to get him back.
U still have a chance, even tho it seems like u don’t have a chance after what happened.
Concentrate on yourself for now, he will do his part. (;
Wait, you are the same girl I was giving advice to in the other thread aren’t you? So you got your ex back already ones?
The problem is that I decided to go on a break my relationship before because I wanted to make up my mind. After a few days without talking he came back begging for me but I think this time it might really be over for good. I’ll see. I concentrate on myself and see how he will react when I contact him in the middle of December. I decided to send the present when the 30 days are up (a few days after his bday) so it’s not too late to wish him a happy bday or an early merry christmas.
Yes I am the same girl haha
And yea I already got him back ones, plus the reason for our breakup then isn’t the same as the one now… so I hope he knows that if I did it ones… I can do it again?
I dont know… I like to think that if people really love you, they will come back.
SO even tho u rejected him back then, maybe it’s his anger talking?
Just like my ex, he needed 3 months to calm down and forget about everything that had happened when we broke up back then.
Guys have a hard time too… he told me once that guys don’t talk about their emotions like girls do so when they are going through a breakup it takes everything to get over it… because they don’t allow others to help them.
Like u told me, stay positive and work on yourself. The rest is upto him. (:
so three weeks later and I am back again. What has happened meanwhile:
My ex decided to add ten new girls each week on facebook so I removed him from my friends list but made sure he can still see when I update my profile pic for example. Removing him helped me so much to focus on myself! I had my weak moments still but I’m in a good state of mind now I think. It still hurts me that he chose to go back to his old habits of meeting a lot of new girls and sleeping around (he did that before when he was depressed and it made him worse, that was before me) but on the other hand it could be a sign of filling the void and also I don’t know if he really slept with any of the girls or wherever he met them.
I recovered from the flu (during the time I almost lost 5kgs cause I was only eating soup, I was sick for almost 4 weeks). I started eating well now again and I have picked up dancing lessons again (4 different classes each week), I made new friends at group therapy and went out with them a few times and I keep myself busy with uni work, meeting friends or spending time with my family. I also started talking to a really nice guy and we gonna meet up either this or next week.
So I’m writing in here now because my NC is almost up and my ex’s birthday is in two days. I wanted to send him a present in the beginning but I listened to you Patricia and also to the advice of my friends and will not send it but will write a short letter. This is what the text will be:
"Hi Moon(my nickname for him),
I wish you a happy birthday and hope you have a nice day with your family, friends and (his cats’ names).
I thought of you the other day when I was out with some friends and had a drink that reminded me of the drinks you and (friends name) mixed over the summer. Hope you are fine.
my name"
What do you think? I have told him before that I’m sorry about the things that has happened and I also told him I accept the break up so I thought there wasn’t any need of it anymore.
On one hand I am scared to contact him because he treated me bad and hurt me a lot but on the other I feel that I’m ready. I’m not sure how the experiences of you guys were shortly before contacting them? I am scared I can ruin my chances of getting him back even more now but on the other hand I already have lost him and I cannot lose him more.
@Anni - I’m glad you recovered from the flu okay:) Glad you made some new friends in group therapy and enjoying dancing lessons. Hope you’re doing well at university too. I think it’s great that you’ve been talking to a really nice guy and will be meeting up with him soon! You deserve to be treated well… always remember that! Your note to the ex sounds fine. You’re correct, no need to apologize again. You’re ex going back to the same pattern of getting involved with other girls must make you feel very sad. This guy has hurt you so many times and I feel upset for you. Maybe he will never change his flirty ways or recover from his depression and if that’s the case, there would only be much more heartache ahead for you. I think I’m secretly hoping thing work out with the “nice” guy, lol. Take care of yourself and my best wishes for your happiness.
So a little update: I messaged my ex before he got the letter to tell him I wanted to finish this chapter of my life and find some closure with some questions that were going on in my head. I knew once I dropped the letter in the mail box, that I wanted to concentrate more on myself and that I am happier without him at the moment even if I miss my best friend (if that makes sense).
So when he answered he said it was good that I wrote him before the card arrived because it would have been too much for him if he didn’t know about it (he got the card before he said that). He also told me that with some of the girls he is just friends, with some he would flirt or make out. He told me he made out with them because he was so terrified I’d want him back if I saw he didn’t move on. He started going off with them two weeks after he said “I love you” to me and had sex with me when I was in Ireland to find closure. He also said me coming that weekend was torture for him and he’d rather hung himself or really thought he’d jump in front of a car while we were on walks and discussed about the break up. And he also said he was being forced to be nice that weekend (even tho I didn’t force him to anything, not to say I love you to me and he even got angry, that I didnt say it back, nor that he says I miss you so much all the time and to be the sweet guy I met in the beginning) He did all those things on his own that weekend. Before I came he was hot/cold with me and one day he would say: no, don’t come, you ruin my life.The other day he would beg me to come. That was less than two weeks after the break up and he told me we could decide about the break up after the weekend. He also said he is not ok with me moving to Ireland (I just got the big news yesterday and will start in the design studio I was interning for before but I had those plans even before I met him) but that he “has” to be ok with it and hopefully be ok with it until I move there.
Long story short, it’s my fault he is this person he is now (in his eyes) and he truly believes I’m the reason of his depression. I know I did many things wrong but I know I’m not the monster he is describing and I really have no idea how someone I cared so much about has such a wrong image of the reality.
Yesterday he had a clear moment for the first time these days and he told me how hurt he was that he made out with these girls and that he was sorry and that he is suffering as much as me because I meant a lot to him. And then he showed me a new beat he made and told me that I would like the new song he made an that I should check it out.
Patricia, I’m feeling I’m getting insane. I don’t know what to believe anymore about myself or him or our relationship we had. I thought I loved a sweet guy and not someone who could hurt me so much.
I definitely know I do not want him back for now. I still think we could have been a great couple but I think too much has been destroyed between us and his image of me is so wrong that I cannot try to get him back in a few months.
I will have my first date with that guy on Saturday btw. I’m excited but also scared that I’m not ready to date yet and that I’ll start crying or something.
@Anni - When he said he made out with other girls because he was terrified you would want him back if you saw he didn’t move on is a RIDICULOUS excuse! And the part about rather to hang himself or jump in front of a car, the weekend was torture, and he was being forced to be nice, all more ridiculous immature things to say. This guy has problems and you’re better off without him. Don’t think back to the way he used to be, it’s over. Think about the way he treats you now and how much hurt it causes you. Imagine your agony of his continuing to blame you for the way he is and for his depression. Then he says sweet things, but they’re only words. Maybe he is passive / aggressive or has a bipolar disorder. Something is very wrong psychologically with him and you can’t fix him. The good you remember of the past is over and you have to consider your future. I pray the date will go well and try to be strong and enjoy yourself. Congratulations on getting the job working in the design studio! When you get to Ireland, please be sure to meet and go out with normal guys. Someday you will find someone who is more compatible with you and you will be happily in love again:)
Thanks for your answer Patricia. Yes, that is true. I find all of this so unfair. Like I am going to therapy (besides my group therapy) to deal with how he treated me when he should be the one seeing someone at least twice a week to fix his idea of reality.
I just hate that someone I cared so much about hates me so much that he cannot even stand the fact that I will be living in the same city as him. And I am afraid of seeing him on the streets and how I will feel if I see him with another girl. It’s like those past one and a half years were a lie and I was loving someone who I didn’t know at all.
He also told me as an answer to my E-Mail the other day that he wanted to break up for months and he couldn’t go through it because he was too weak and that was his fault. But the month before the break up he was so different because he was depressed. Every time I asked what’s wrong or if I can do anything to make him feel better or change something about me he said it’s not the relationship it’s just the constant feeling of being down. Why does he have to say that all of that was my fault now? When it was clearly something that was going on inside of him. I cannot understand how someone can have a picture like that and call me manipulative and controlling when I tried everything possible to help him and I couldn’t in the end.
@Anni - You have to stop thinking of the past! When people start dating, they put their best foot forward. Only over time you discover what they are like when they take the mask off. Don’t feel badly that you fell for his early tactics to win you over. It happens to a lot of people. Yes, he’s the one who should be in intensive therapy for his psychological issues. Even then, it may not help. You should realize that you’re a good person and deserve better. What he answered is true for a lot of guys. They’re not satisfied or unhappy and it takes a while to reveal it. And then they give all sorts of wacky reasons which may not even be the truth. Whatever his problem is, it’s not your fault! At this point it doesn’t matter why he’s acting strangely or why he says it’s your fault! Dwelling on how he treated you won’t help. You have to think of yourself first and what’s best for you! If you see him on the streets with or without a girl, it will affect you in some way, you might feel a skip of your heartbeat. But don’t let it make you think anything has changed. Even having a sensible conversation with him won’t likely make any difference. It’s mainly by actions and words over time that changes for the better are apparent and true.
Wishing you the best always:)
That’s true, I know I need to stop thinking of him and that I’m responsible for him and start thinking of me. He won’t thank me anyway when I try helping him and thinks I attack him instead.
I went to see my therapist, too and she told me the same. It’s just hard to believe that he has those two faces but I know anyway that I don’t want to be with the person who he is atm and it helps a lot to remind myself of that whenever I’m sad or thinking of him.
I had my first date with that nice guy yesterday and it went really well we get along great and he is in the same situation as I am (he broke up with his gf about 2 months ago), so I think we are on the same page there and that was really important to me. We gonna meet up again soon when he is coming to visit his sister who is living in the same city as I do and I’m looking forward to it It really helps to see that someone out there is interested in me and it gives me new hope and I’m happy that I met him finally. I can only suggest anyone who is going through a tough break up to start dating other people. It shows you that other guys have a lot of good sides too and it takes the status off your ex in which you have put him (if that makes any sense) Like the throne you were building around him disappears and the dates show you what you were missing out in the relationship.
I wish you all the best too and I’ll keep you updated if I have any news!
