Sorry to spam you. I am just trying to keep you updated for your response. My ex responded and said she did get two more tattoos and sent me pictures of them. She explained what they meant. She said it is a birthday present to herself. It’s hard to not drag the conversation out because I really want to talk to her.
When you look at social media, mostly you see stuff that confuses or hurts you. If you want to continue that kind of torture, don’t give her the third degree over anything she or someone else posts. She isn’t your girlfriend anymore and you don’t have the right to accuse or question her about any of it. Your male friend also has a right to do anything he wants and if he meets up with her, just remember you did the same thing with her friend. BTW: what are you so concerned that your friend might tell your ex about your life?
I wish you had mustered up enough self constraint NOT to message her about the tattoo! It seems you’re always looking for any little reason to contact her and of course she knows that. And she also knows you stalk her Facebook. And you always drag out conversations until she gets bored of responding. You should stop doubting her word when she says she has other plans like visiting her grandfather etc… You should trust her more, otherwise it causes you totally unnecessary hard feelings that you create in your own mind.
If you can do it, don’t contact her until her birthday and then wish her a great day! It would be fine if you want to ask her out for a belated birthday dinner and to the haunted house thing. I know waiting for her to ask to see you (like the movie thing) is so frustrating, but what other choice do you have? Pestering her and acting needy just makes things worse and you know that. It’s so hard for me to understand why you keep doing it when you know very well it doesn’t help you. It just makes her want to keep her distance because she is sooo tired of your smothering. Good luck and try to stay no contact until October 7th.
Social media literally is torture. I seriously don’t know why I can’t stop looking at her page. It seriously only brings me misery, makes me miss her, and then I question anything and everything. It’s like I get curious about what she is doing or something and just look at it and get upset.
You are right that I don’t have the right to question her over things that are posted on social media. I am going to try harder and not look at her page because it’s hell.
So I wrote everything above yesterday. I feel like a lot has changed mentally for me. As far as friends hanging out with my ex. I feel like its disrespectful or some kind of betrayal for my good friends to hangout with her without talking to me. It’s simply not being a good friend and don’t see how anybody wouldn’t think it might create a wedge in a friendship. Today I went golfing with a friend and ended up at my friend’s house that was talking to my ex on social media. His roommates were watching football and neither of us really are die hard football fans and he asked if I wanted to go to lunch. While driving he was like do you want to go to lunch in two weeks and brought up the social media thing with my ex and said it would be weird if I wasn’t there and how it all went down on Facebook.
I told him I saw the post and we talked about the time I asked my ex’s friend to lunch and how I wanted to say something to my ex about it all because she got mad at me for the same thing and said I was trying to get at her. Honestly, he is one of my best friends and I am glad he told me about it because I would have said something. I knew he didn’t have intentions I was just getting to myself and over thinking. Maybe it even made me jealous because she wouldn’t hangout with me? Mainly I have been in a really low spot the past few days and today hanging out with good friends helped me get out of it today.
I doubt they go to lunch, if they do, oh well it’s no big deal. I feel a lot better after talking to him. I guess I was just worried he might slip up and tell my ex I got really hammered in Amsterdam one night or something. Plus, I knew she would ask about our trip and I wanted to tell her about it. I wasn’t going to let her ruin my friendship with him so I decided I was defiantly going to say something to him but I am glad he was a good friend and brought it up. I am actually going on a double date with him and this girl I have been talking to this weekend. I am excited for that.
Ok, so I wish I wouldn’t have said anything about the tattoo but I actually kept the conversation really short. Essentially all I asked was:
Me: You hot a tattoo (heart emotion)
Her: I did. I got two more.
Me: The one on your neck looks cute.
Me: What did you get?
Her: (sends pictures) I got my finger touched up too. It’s a birthday present to myself.
Me: What does that one say?
Her: The one on my color bone is the meaning of my name.
Me: what does your name mean?
Her : Lovable ;worthy of love.
Me: I can agree with that.
Me: what does the other one mean?
Her: Balance The libra scales.
Me: Cute. I like the one on your chest. It’s sexy.
Me: Well have a good night darling and sweet dreams.
Her: Thank you. You too.
So I don’t think I really dragged it out much. I found out what I wanted it, didn’t call her an insulting name and ended the conversation. Last night she liked a picture I posted on social media so I guess that’s a good thing.
I have to say; you were spot on about not doubting her and trusting her more. She ended up posting pictures on social media with her grandparents. Everything she said she was going to do, she ended up doing. It appears like she wasn’t just blowing me off. I am sure she could have scheduled me in somewhere, but I guess she didn’t want to. Oh well I had a good time focusing on myself today. The other day I was creating hard feelings that made me so upset and act irrationally or assume things that just weren’t the case. Thank you for pointing that out.
So as far as not contacting her until her birthday I don’t think that should be a problem. Today, she posted a video of her shooting again and swore at the end. I commented “By the sound of it, you missed the target! (laugh emotions)”. She liked my comment. Other people commented too. I probably shouldn’t have said anything I just wanted to be funny and point that out and didn’t leave room for a response. I know that’s not creating space and didn’t give her room to miss me. I won’t do that again though because it made me wonder if she would respond.
I am not going to pester her anymore because this weekend I was literally at one of my lowest points and I don’t want to go back there. I don’t want to look needy and embarrass myself either. Honestly today I have just thought about how cruel she has been to me. I don’t know if you treat somebody you love or loved like that. Today I just feel relieved I guess and not as depressed. I promise you I will stay no contact until her birthday.
You are right, waiting for her to see if she asks me to do something like the movie thing is hard and sucks. But I don’t have any other options in that case. I guess that is just time I need to work on myself and try and keep moving on. Honestly I am kind of excited to go out with this girl other girl again this weekend (it’s our second time). It just seems easy and not so tough with her. Plus there are no games involved. It will be good for me even though I still miss my ex.
Alright, when I do wish my ex happy birthday and ask about the dinner/ haunted house thing, do you think I should ask her to go the following weekend (October 15). Or just leave it open ended and say sometime? I am kind of confused on which one you are suggesting? Today I feel like I could just wish her a simple happy birthday and leave it at. Today I feel like I have made progress.
Don’t comment on her postings because that’s breaking no contact! You haven’t made any progress that I can see. Happy birthday wish on the 7th and ask if she wants to go to the haunted thing on the 15th (in the same message on the 7th).
This weekend with the other girl? This weekend is over, do you mean next weekend the 8th? Same girl your ex is friends with? If so, your ex will find out…
Funny how you would be upset if your ex dated someone, but it’s okay for you.
I shouldn’t have commented on her post you are right. After I posted, I knew I shouldn’t have. I defiantly won’t be doing that again because you are right, it does break no contact regardless of what the comment said if it was serious or not.
Yesterday I was just saying I made progress mentally on my behalf. I wasn’t as stressed and depressed as previous days. So that is a positive gain at least on my behalf. Not so much in making progress between me and my ex. Today I am feeling a little bit down compared to yesterday. I feel like I am on a roller coaster with the ups and downs. Alright, I will ask her on the 7th about taking her out the weekend of the 15th to celebrate her birthday. Hopefully she says yes, but I think she will so no, come up with an excuse, or ignore my question which is likely.
Sorry, I meant to say that I am taking the other girl out the weekend of the 8th. It is our second time going out and doing something together. I am not sure if I want it to go somewhere with her, but it’s good to get out and date. Oh no, my ex doesn’t even know this girl. I wouldn’t ask her friend (my friend too but hers more than mine) out on a date or to eat or anything again. It’s tempting though just because she considered lunch with my friends. It’s like she is taking a jab at me.
I defiantly would be upset if my ex were to go out on a date. I know she went on a date months ago with some guy and he was a douche bag and she wasn’t interested in him according to her. Of course I didn’t like the fact she went on a date but I didn’t say anything about it. What am I supposed to do though? Not go on dates? It seems like I should go on dates because I have to accept that there is a chance my ex and I will never get back together (which sucks but what can I do?).I mean she has been pretty cruel to me thought this entire processes. Obviously I want try with my ex but she doesn’t want that right now.
So they last few days have been rough but I have hung in there. Tuesday was especially tough because I went on a business trip which I originally planned on taking my ex me and making mini vacation out of it. On the way there I thought about her a lot. Yesterday seemed a little bit easier and I hope today is the same. I’ve literally been on a roller coaster.
So tomorrow is her birthday and I plan on messaging her sometime and asking about going out next weekend. I believe she gets off work around 3:00 so it’s best to do it when she is off work and can respond. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little bit nervous. I am afraid that maybe she has completely moved on. I mean after all of this time is there even a chance of things working out? She could just say thank you in response to “happy birthday” and completely ignore my other question about going out. It seems like she does that. If she does, should I say “answer my question”? Or just stay silent and focus on moving on. Honestly I think she likes me chasing her.
She liked a photo I posted on Instagram the other day but that probably doesn’t even mean anything.
So what is your take on going out with the other girl? It seemed like you kind of sounded like I shouldn’t. I feel like this girl is fun and cute so I might as well have a good time with her. I’m a little nervous to get involved with someone else if there is a chance things might workout with my ex. Then again, they might not and it doesn’t mean if I go on a date with this girl again I am getting serious with her.
Sure, go out with the other girl and have fun. Don’t pay attention to Instagram. When you message her happy birthday, make the note extra short. If she doesn’t reply to the question, that means she doesn’t want to go. Don’t say answer my question. I don’t have a clue if things will work out or not…
All she said was “thank you. We"ll see”. In response to my saying happy birthday and aaking about the haunted house. Like wtf do I even say to that?
NOTHING! Don’t reply! If she wants to go, she’ll contact you.
Sounds like she’s not very enthusiastic. Have fun on the date…
That what I was thinking too. I didn’t reply because I thought it was kind of a rude response. I did send the message like at 4 AM because I couldn’t sleep and I knew she had to get up for work soon.
I am starting to think this is a lost cause which sucks. I don’t get why she is treating me like shit.
So here is what I was thinking. Following up on like Monday and asking her how her birthday was. Then saying so are we planning on dinner and the haunted house this weekend? I am tired of her games and don’t get why she can’t be straight up with me. I have a meeting with my counselor in a few hours thankfully.
She was nice a month ago now is an ass to me. I don’t get it.
OMG!! Don’t follow up on Monday! You will look needy, clingy and desperate!
So you think I should just let her contact me? I am assuming she won’t. Like how fucking rude to say “we’ll see” like I am just a option or something. So I shouldn’t even follow up at all?
Part of me just wants to respond and say? So is that a yes or no? Show a little respect and don’t treat me like that. I know that’s not probably the best thing to do though. I really just want to go off on her but won’t.
Hi sdub,
First of all, sorry for my English, it is not my mother tongue.
I follow your story from day one and really feel sorry for you all these weeks and months. I know very well what you feel from first hand experience, I know how hard it is for you to pass the hours and days w/o her and most of all how hard it is for you to understand how could it happen that she became a completely different person not saying a complete stranger after all these years and love you shared.
I stayed quite all this time trying not to respond, worried to mislead you god forbid, but I feel now that I must tell you my opinion regardless of hard it will be for you to hear it.
If you ever want to have even a slight chance to win this girl again you have only one option, you should completely disappear for a couple of months, yes a couple of months! even 30 days won’t be enough in your case, I believe 3 months or more will be the minimum. Strict no contact, dont send her any message! dont like her posts! And most importantly, block her all over social media/messaging tools you used!!! Yes, this is the most important element in order to regain her respect and maybe “love” - blocking her all over. I know it sounds brutal but this is why it is so important.
Then just focus on rebuilding your life. Really really let her go, no matter how hard it is for you.
This doesn’t guarantee you’ll win her back but this is the only chance you have at this point to my humble opinion.
Moreover, this is what you need now for yourself and for your sane. You need to rebuild your life! and for that you really need to let her go.
You’ll be surprised what an impact this will have on your ex if you block her all over social media and messaging apps and completely disappear… (Btw, If you can try also to actually disappear from social media, dont post anything, just stay in the drak).
Only then she’ll start missing you and maybe, maybe start chasing you…
Btw, dont say anything before you block her, no execuse, nothing, just do it, block her all over, let her think (endlessly) what happened to you… Initially she might see this is a sign of weakness on your side, but as the time goes by it will flip in her head and she’ll see it as if you really moved on… only then it will start having an impact, a huge impact, I believe!
Hi, I completely agree with TLV.
I’ve read all of your posts and can feel how much pain and how desperate you are. It’s been going on for months and you are torturing yourself.
I know how difficult a breakup is, my boyfriend broke up with me 11 weeks ago and it’s been tough. I’m now on about 43 days no contact and my feelings still range from sadness to anger, but NC is the best thing to do.
What I have found is that NC makes you start to see things clearer. I blamed myself for everything when we broke up but now know that it takes 2 to make a relationship work and it’s not all my fault.
You really need to try and go complete NC, it will be difficult and you will have mixed emotions throughout the time. But it will help clear your head and you may even get to the point where you are happier and don’t want to contact your ex.
Your situation has been going on for months and it sounds so unbelievably stressful and honestly it sounds like you are torturing yourself.
I understand how you are feeling , but life is short and you have to be happy.
TLV and SaraiD, thank you for your responses. I wasn’t sure if anybody was reading patricia12’s and my comments. Sorry for my delayed response, I had a lot going on over the last few days. I have read both of your comments multiple times and you both make great points and I really appreciate your input. Your comments helped me make it through the weekend in my low times. This has been a long drawn out painful process and looking back I can’t believe how long I have been going through this.
Yesterday my ex and I had a little contact. I didn’t reply to her message until just now because I just needed a break and time to gather my thoughts. I think you are both right about going no contact for a few months. It seems like I have a hard time going no contact but at this point I don’t really have any options and I don’t think I can keep putting myself through this without going crazy. It’s just too hard on me.
Honestly at this point, I don’t even know if things will ever work out between me and my ex again. It hurts to say it especially after all of the years we spent together, but maybe she is over me. I think blocking her on all of social media would be really beneficial for my sake as far as moving on because I wouldn’t have to see her posts and pictures that make me feel anxious. Like for example, last night I was snooping on Facebook and saw a picture of her friends (girl and a gay guy) taking her out for a birthday dinner and in the picture she was all seductive (cleavage hanging out) and it looked like she was leaning over to lick the gay friend’s ear. In some of the pictures her and they gay friend are linking arms too. All of that instantly made me sick to my stomach (he does have a kid so I wonder how gay he is). It all messes with my mind.
TLV, I guess my only hold up on blocking her is she won’t see my posts and see that I am doing well without her. Saturday night I went to a college football game with the girl I took on a date. I posted a picture of the football field and my ex commented on the picture “jealous”. I don’t think she knew I was on a date because I didn’t tag the girl I was with (my date made me realize a lot so I will come back to it). I guess worrying about how my ex thinks I am doing isn’t part of getting my life back on track and moving on right? Overall, I feel like I worked so hard to get my ex to add me on social media so blocking her will be hard but your logic in doing so makes complete sense. I am just worried I guess.
SaraiD, congratulations on making it 43 days with no contact! I wish I could say the same thing. You described it really well when you said your emotions go from being angry to sad. I feel the exact same way on a daily bases. Are you friends with your ex on social media or did you delete him and block him? I think you and TLV are both right, going no contact is my best option. I really need some time to clear my head. I feel like my emotions have become a lot more leveled from where they were when this all started. Usually it takes snooping on social media to make them go crazy.
That really hit deep when you said you realized everything isn’t your fault and that it takes two to make a relationship work. I have blamed myself for being a jerk at times while dating my ex, when really she wasn’t great at times either. I have also blamed myself for trying so hard after the break up and pushing her further away. At times I look back and realize how much she put me through and she wasn’t always great towards me either. Life is defiantly too short to be unhappy.
On my date Saturday I realized quite a bit. I have gone on a few dates with different girls since my ex, and even rebounded with a few I didn’t go on dates with, but I realized I like something about the girl I went out on Saturday with and it felt good to know that there are other girls out there I will be interested in.
Overall my date went pretty good and I had a lot of fun with this girl and we have a lot in common. But I feel like I missed my chance with her years ago when I first met her mainly due to my ex and now the timing is off which sucks. I wish I could have seen the future back then. Long story short, I met this girl through my friend’s girlfriend back when my ex and I weren’t that serious. I didn’t pursue anything with her early on due to my ex though but would still see her occasionally at my friends. My ex got mad at me one day and broke up with me for like a day. I had tickets to a concert I planned on going to with my ex so I figured I would ask this other girl to go instead. She said she “would love to go”. I think she was kind of interested in me back then from the short amounts of time I spent with her. Anyway, my ex made up with me and said she wanted to go to the concert still. I told her I already asked somebody else but eventually ended up canceling with the other girl and went with my ex. As the years passed the girl I just went on a date with got a boyfriend and moved to California. She and her boyfriend broke up not long ago and she just moved back to Utah maybe a month ago.
Which brings me to my date on Saturday and the football game I mentioned above. This was our second time going out. She came over to my apartment and we drank before the game and everything went great (we ended up drinking an entire bottle of vodka throughout the night). It seemed like she was into me and she grabbed my hand and held it while walking around in the stadium. It felt good to have things just flow and go easy verse dealing with all of the crap I have been with my ex. It was awesome. At the end of the night we came back to my apartment and started watching a movie. It seemed like everything was going right and my hand was on her leg so I kissed her, we briefly made out, and then joked around about who had bigger lips or something (I was drunk so I can’t remember all that was said). Then out of nowhere she said “I don’t want to lead you on” and kind of looked almost like she was going to cry.
She was like you are fun, cute, and a great guy. I am just not ready for a relationship after moving back from California and I am still trying to figure things out after my breakup and I don’t want to lead you on. I think she felt like she was rebounding and felt bad or something. I know after my ex when I did stuff with girls, I felt bad because it felt like I was cheating or something
So I just said I am in the exact same boat. I just got out of a long relationship too and I know exactly how it is. It takes a while to figure things out after a break up. Then she said you almost have to find yourself before you find somebody else huh? I agreed with her. Then I said I have fun with you and it doesn’t mean we have to get serious or be in a relationship after going out a few times. I enjoy going out with you so I am fine with just going from there. She ended up sleeping over on my couch and at the end of the night I kissed her on the cheek. I mentioned she could sleep in my bed and it seemed like she wanted to but was a little hesitant and ended up staying on the couch.
We ended up going to brunch on Sunday but my roommate saw us on the way out and wanted to come. He was kind of a third wheel and it didn’t feel like a date as much and made it kind of awkward because it was hard to be flirty and focus on her. I still paid for everything though like a date. So now I wonder if I got friend zoned by this awesome girl that helped me realize there are other girls out there besides my ex that I could be interested in? If so oh well I guess.
So obviously I am not over my ex yet and wondered what would happen if I hit it off with this girl I kind of was interested in years ago. It just sucks that I missed an opportunity with this other girl in the past because of my ex and now my ex is done with me and the girl I went on a date with has since dated somebody and it doesn’t sound like she is re adjusted back to being single yet either.
I literally feel like my ex made me miss a chance with this girl years ago and is still screwing my life up even though she isn’t in it haha. I kind of find it ironic and it makes me want to laugh even though it sucks at the sometime. I don’t even know if I should ask the girl I went on a date with out again?
Sorry for writing so much, I just had a lot on my mind. Thanks for all of your comments and for trying to help me get my life back together.
Hi sdub,
I see a great positive sign in what you just told us about your date with that girl.
Even though you are both not really ready for a new relationship at the moment, it is a great opportunity for both of you to heal yourselves together and you can never know, I know of many stories that this kind of a situation ended up in a great long-term relationship, even stronger than the ones you lost. This may happen because now you are both more mature after what you were going through and better ready to build the right relationship. Having said that, take it easy, don’t push too hard and don’t worry too much about getting into the friend-zone, if there is a real fit there, it may happen and if not, at least you helped each other free your hearts and move on from your lost relationships.
Regarding your Ex, I believe as I said that a strict disappearance and a long NC is a must. First of all for yourself, as you already know, but as I also said, you’ll be surprised what a “magical” impact it may have on your Ex. No one knows how to explain it, but the act of “blocking” someone across the board on all communication/social media tools, leaving that person incapable of contacting you by any mean and putting him/her in the dark, has a very powerful impact on that person, in a way that it may completely transform his/her feelings and may even turn him/her back into the panic and obsessive mode that is usually related with being dumped… That’s definitely not always the case, and it depends on other factors, I guess, but I can tell you from my own experience that even though, initially I broke up with my Ex (after 3.5 years of relationship) and she initially chased me like crazy for about 6 weeks, once she blocked me all over (I’m still blocked) It turned my feelings 180 degrees, in a way that I want her more than ever now because I feel dumped and helpless in my inability to contact her…
Hey TLV,
When did you break up with your ex? How long since she blocked you?
Hi, I was with my boyfriend for 4 years. Like I said before its perfectly normal to go through a range of emotions over time.
My ex doesn’t do any social media so I’ve not had to think about blocking him. We are both on whatsapp and I did go through a phase of checking his last seen but stopped as seeing what time he was last online made me over think and I realised it didn’t mean anything.
I still have his number and I haven’t blocked him, I will delete him eventually. I have no idea if he has my number still.
When people go through breakups both feel the hurt and the sadness. We think they walk away and felt nothing but everyone just deals with things differently.
I had a little contact the first week of my breakup as I had things at his flat. He asked me to give him time and he might meet up. I only left him alone for a couple of weeks and started texting him,just friendly text but after a couple of weeks he asked me not to contact him as we were not getting back together. I was heartbroken all over again but I immediately left him alone and went completely NC. That’s 6 and 4 days ago.
Im honestly so glad I did it, firstly, the first 2 weeks I did NC was nowhere near long enough, people haven’t even started to heal or sort their head out in 2 weeks and secondly, I feel completely different now than I did then.
NC gives you time to sort out your feelings and thoughts on the relationship, maybe write down the things you loved about your ex and the things you didn’t. Also be realistic about whether things are deal breakers.
I know there are things I really didn’t like and wouldn’t want to go back to. My feelings have changed so much I don’t want to contact my ex. It doesn’t mean I don’t miss some things but im now happier without the things I didn’t like. I realised I wasn’t happy for a while, maybe a year! But it’s hard to admit that and it’s not until you are out of something you can see these things.
Since my breakup my confidence has come back, I’ve been socialising more, joined a gym, had a haircut and generally am much happier. All positive things!
It’s great you are going out on dates, just enjoy getting to know new people. Have fun and don’t worry about whether things will go anywhere. You will probably look back in time and wonder why you spent so much time on all of this. I know breakups are horrible but there are lots of people our there for you.
FishingTheSky, it’s exactly a year now!
I had multiple relationships since then, including a great rebound that lapsed 5 months, but I couldnt really move on to any other relationship, partially because of that brutal disconnection…