Hi,
My girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me a few weeks ago because we had a long distance relationship and she decided she couldn’t wait any longer for me to make changes in my life to live with her. It was a fairly amicable breakup - she says she still loves me but she’s just too lonely and there are too many obstacles. She just can’t wait any longer.
I messed up a bit by sending her a pleading message, pouring me heart out, and then a couple of weeks later trying to meet her. She responded by saying “There’s no point in talking. I made my decision and I see now how unhappy I was. It’s over.” So now I’m starting no-contact for the next month or so and getting myself sorted. I’m going to make the changes necessary which will put me in a better situation but will hopefully show her that I’m serious and want us to have the future I believe we both still want.
Anyway, to the point. I already knew before we broke up that with her ex-boyfriends she doesn’t remain friends at all. She never speaks to them and doesn’t keep photos or mementos. When we broke up she said we couldn’t remain friends, especially as if we’re still in love it will be impossible for us to move on. So my dilemma is this - if I follow the advice on this site and start to make contact again in a few weeks or more, how can I get her to the step of wanting to meet up casually? If she doesn’t want to maintain a friendship won’t she just keep shutting me down? Advice is most appreciated, thanks.
Why didn’t you propose to her and give her an engagement ring??
I don’t know the steps she wanted you to take in order to live together or the obstacles she referred to, but if you can remedy them, do it.
Continue no contact and then write and tell her what you’ve done to fix things.
“Why didn’t you propose to her and give her an engagement ring??”
May I ask why you ask this? Moving in with her was the next step to see how we got on living together.
I was worried about the negative impact on my housemate of moving out. We’ve been best friends and lived together for 17 years, so it felt like a big step.
I also have a bad financial situation, in a toxic work environment. I need to quit and get a new job, which I’m in the process of doing.
I asked because usually couples who are in love take the step toward marriage when they’ve been together for 3 years. Her moving in while your roommate there was unusual and probably seemed like an invasion of privacy for her. A best friend would’ve understood this and made arrangements to move out. Anyway, it didn’t work out and the bad financial situation just added to the problems. She was unhappy and made the decision to break up. She said it’s over and doesn’t want to talk about it.
Long distant relationships are very difficult to maintain! How far apart are you?
It might be time to learn a lesson from the situation and move on yourself. But you could try no contact and then after you get a better job and fix your financial situation, write and let her know and see what happens…
Thanks for replying. Maybe I didn’t make it clear. I was supposed to move out from my house with my friend, and move in with her in her house. She’s about 30 miles away, so not far. We just didn’t get to see each other more than every weekend or every other weekend.
When we did see each other we always had a great time. We were very much in love. When she ended it, we parted ways with a kiss and each saying “I love you”. She wrote me a letter saying it was the hardest decision she’s ever made but she couldn’t wait any longer and there were too many obstacles in our way. She says we’re like soulmates and she doesn’t think she’ll meet anyone she’s more compatible with. She ended it the letter by saying “I’m going to miss you. Maybe next lifetime, if reincarnation exists.”
I have been looking for signs of hope, but I see deep conflict there. It seems to me that she’s saying things might be different if there were no obstacles.
You’re right, she did say she doesn’t want to talk about it and it’s over, but that was in response to me making myself look desperate and needy after just a couple of weeks after the break-up.
It sounds like you’re not seeing much hope in my situation though, even if I make the changes I want to make.
If you resolve your financial situation, get a new job, and you’re willing to move out from your roommate to move in with her, you might have a good chance to reconcile with her. Good luck.
Thank you. I will certainly do my best.
I’ve just realised, I think my original question got missed.
If my ex does not want to remain friends, how will I be able to convince her to meet casually to begin reconciliation? Won’t she just say “There’s no reason to meet, we’re no longer friends”?
Don’t mention the word friends. After you get a new job and your finances in order, call her to talk on the phone and tell her of the changes you’ve made and then ask if she would like to meet for lunch or dinner.
I have a (possibly) interesting update.
It will be my 40th birthday this Saturday. I’ve been doing no-contact for about 10 days and I was wondering whether (and let’s face it, hoping for) my ex to send me a text on my birthday. I hadn’t decided whether I’d respond to that.
Well, today I received a delivery to my address and it’s a birthday card and huge present from my ex. I don’t know what the present is yet, but the birthday card message was friendly and she’d gone to the trouble of getting me a 40 badge!
Now, she may very well have bought the present before we broke up, but she definitely wrote the card since then and took the trouble to send it all to me.
Any thoughts on this? Our last contact was basically her saying it’s over and she realises how unhappy she was. Does this change things at all?
It seems like it doesn’t change anything. And yes, maybe she bought the present before the breakup.
However, you should open the present and send her a simple thank you.
I opened the present. It was really thoughtful - it was something I saw in a shop last summer and said I liked. So she probably had bought it a while ago.
I sent her a thank you text (first breaking of No Contact in 2 weeks) and she replied with:
“I’m glad you like them; and happy birthday for tomorrow. I had promised I would get you a badge, so I kept that promise. Sounds like you have plans, which I’m really pleased to hear as you must be getting on with life. Have a great time.”
1st: at least she’s still replying.
2nd: my friend is convinced that’s insecure woman language for wanting to be part of my birthday. And saying she’s pleased I’m getting on with life actually shows fear that I’m moving on when she isn’t (plus she knows the plans I’ve made don’t involve her, so she’s left out, when she would definitely have been involved if she hadn’t dumped me). Thoughts?
How is the hunt for a new job going? And are you making any strides towards fixing your financial situation?
It’s strange she would write:““There’s no point in talking. I made my decision and I see now how unhappy I was. It’s over.” and then write:”…it was the hardest decision she’s ever made but she couldn’t wait any longer and there were too many obstacles in our way. She says we’re like soulmates and she doesn’t think she’ll meet anyone she’s more compatible with. She ended it the letter by saying “I’m going to miss you. Maybe next lifetime, if reincarnation exists.”
I think the main reason she broke up with you is that you didn’t make arrangements to progress the relationship by moving in with her! Instead you chose to stay with your roommate.
Wishing you happy birthday is not an “insecure” woman’s language for wanting to be part of your birthday and I’m sure she knows if she hadn’t dumped you, she would be there. And you don’t know if she’s moving on with her life or not. But there’s a possibility that she is upset how things turned out and wishes the situation was different.
I don’t know what your financial situation is, but that could have played a part too.
Continue no contact until you make positive changes in your life and then contact her to tell her about it.
Hi Patricia,
Thanks for replying. I don’t think the birthday message in itself is insecure, but I was thinking specifically of the comment: “Sounds like you have plans, which I’m really pleased to hear as you must be getting on with life.”
Knowing her as well as I do, I’m pretty sure the thinking behind that is actually, “It sounds like you’re moving on without me and that scares me”.
I’m still connected with her on PS4 so I can see (without intentionally stalking her!) that she’s not moving on. She’s spending most of her time at home playing games.
Regarding job and finances, I have a job interview in a week which I’m fairly confident about (it’s an understaffed industry!) and I’ve actually just yesterday come into an amount of money which might enable me to learn to drive and pay some debts.
I’m going back into no contact now the birthday message is out of the way and then I’ll see how it goes.
Since the weekend, I’ve been thinking about writing her a letter in which I apologise for how I reacted after the breakup, and tell her about the changes I’ve been making since then.
But I’ve been reading various things online and watching breakup coach videos on YouTube. Most of them say you should never break no-contact - just leave it open ended and wait for them to reach out. If they don’t reach out then they don’t want you. They say a text or a letter is a really bad idea.
What’s the correct plan? It’s so confusing.
No contact is to give her time to miss you and rethink the breakup. Also it gives you time to think about the ways you might improve yourself. I would suggest you don’t contact her until you have a stable job (the new one for which you’re going to interview) and fix your finances. Then write her a letter or call her to apologize and talk about the changes…
Ok, but what would you say to relationship coaches who say you shouldn’t put an end date on no-contact. Their philosophy is to live your life as if your ex doesn’t exist, and if they choose to reach out to you then they might want you back. Otherwise, don’t look back, don’t write, don’t call, ever.
Hi, I read through your story, and this last point (not looking back unless they contact me) is where I think I should be in my situation (hopefully it will be reviewed and approved soon as a separate thread).
I started developing myself a month before she told me to have a 2-week trial of not being together (including behavioral or mindset changes, and a lot of exercise [lost 10kg]), but after the 2-week she said that this is something she doesn’t want right now, she doesn’t know what she wants, but not our thing.
I told her what I think about our relationship, and now it’s time to let that seed grow. I hope she will water it and let it grow, but I can’t do anything besides that. I got to get my friends closer, probably a date is on the horizon, but I know that I want her, and not need her.