Shit.
Sorry. Let me read through this. Ive been hella busy and having a hard time keeping up with all the posts. Just a min. . .
Okay.
Regarding your awesome treatment and unconditional love for him…and you giving up a lot for him. THAT WAS A MISTAKE. You catered too much to him and in the meantime probably gave the idea that you werent much. Because you concentrated more about his happiness than your own. Fucked up right? Shouldnt love be about tremendous love and sacrifice for each other? Doesnt that go against what we were taught as kids and teens? Well, it’s bullshit. All of it.
Let me explain. If you are concentrating more on your partners happiness and well being for any lengthy period of time, over your own well being and happiness, you are losing yourself. You are giving up what makes you attractive. And there is so much negativity that can result from that. Insecurity, jealousy, resentment, stress…the list goes on. And not hust for you, but your ex will feel burdened.
A healthy, longer lasting relationship is one where each person’s being Is nourished by the effort of one’s own self. We are responsible for our own progression and happiness is what Im getting at. And too many times, we rely solely on our partners. Is it okay if they encourage and sometimes take on the weight? Of course, but too much is simply too much.
So… go NC until you have found a better version of yourself. Who you were in the beginning. Even better than that person. Even slight changes will do if you dont want to do long periods of NC.
If he isnt speaking to you when you reach out, then give it a couple months. You are at deaths door and you have to give it time. I haven’t read every post youve made to others. But these are my opinions regarding what you directed at me.
Yeah, you are right. I just had a temporary freak out. And I should have known that guys will usually always put up happy things, when it may not actually be the case. I guess its rare for guys to make depressing/mopey posts on fb. So that’s not a big deal.
I hope he does start missing me, because I miss him everyday
@LAbound Thank you for the reply. Its all good, I understand people have lives aside from looking on here.
Sometimes I feel like my whole conception of relationships is wrong. Like what you just mentioned. How am I supposed to change how I am in that respect? I mean when I was with him it didn’t seem abnormal to me, to make him happy. He did things for me too. I can understand not basing all of your happiness on your significant other… although for me its difficult. I feel like when I fall in love I fall HARD. I hope he didn’t see me as having a low regard for myself. I just loved him immensely and always thought love shouldn’t be restricted.
All of your points are valid. Im not sure if I felt like I lost myself. I was happy, I don’t know its hard to tell I guess.
So by now it has been probably a little over a month since we last talked… (this is my 2nd round of nc) Do you think I should wait till sometime in February or March? I just want to be effective this time and I’m having a hard time deciding on how long this NC should be. He left for his new job the 1st of December… then he was basically there for a couple weeks just getting settled and not really working and actually came back to the us for the holidays. He left again Jan 2nd and has since started working. I don’t know if he will be more open to getting back together once he gets a good feel for his new job…any thoughts on this? I just don’t want to wait forever…
Thank you again, I know I haven’t been giving all of the story in each post but you gave good advice
Oh, and another thing. Its funny that he broke up with me when this is the time when I was actively doing new and great things for myself. I used to work at a crappy 9-5 job in his same city just so I could be near him. But I decided that it wasn’t right for me. I quit my job and resolved to go back to grad school. I studied hard to take the gre and actually got into my 1st pick. I am now at the university working on my masters, Ive joined in the departmental clubs, and one of my professors even gave me a job this semester …which is rare for new master’s students! Ive got good things going on… how can I show him this? I am becoming a better person. I know he would be proud of me
You can tell him/show him all the great changes when and if you reconnect in the future. Shoot for the end of March for NC. In the meantime, keep kicking serious ass! I’m proud of you, and I don’t even know you! lol
If you ever felt like you were doing more for him, than he was for you, then there is where the problem probably started. And I’m not talking about doing sweet gestures and reminding him of how his presence is important to you and how you appreciate his love and companionship. I’m talking about sacrificing things about yourself because it would make him happier or more secure. Did you give up friends? Did you stop doing things you loved to be with him the majority of the time? Did you have a group of friends outside of him and his friends? Those kind of things.
Everyone is different, and it could be that you need to find out your personality type, your love languages, and keep discovering yourself…and shoot for someone that has a personality type compatible with yours and can speak to your love languages.
I am a very giving lover and partner. I give too much. Not just being nice and doing sweet things… but I will literally change up any habit, hobby, time constraint to fit what would benefit my partner…or make my partner happiest. Even if what I was giving up made me feel happy and whole. That’s how I lost the attractive person that I was. The person my ex wanted. I became a fucking mess! I can’t even blame her. It was my fault. I gave too much, and in the end she felt too responsible for my happiness and her happiness…plus there were other problems in the relationship. such has her inability to communicate properly.
Just make time work for you. Make you #1. Take care of you. Focus on your ex later!
@LAbound haha thanks! Yeah I want to be excited about of this, but he is always at the back of my mind. I definitely want to try to reconnect. I’ll try for March, he wouldn’t have forgotten about me completely by then right?
I don’t think I gave up everything. Granted I did give up hopes of going to Japan for a teaching program out of college, it turns out it was good bc I wouldn’t be going to grad school now. I loved hanging out with him, and I don’t think he gave me enough attention a lot of the time. We didn’t live together, and even though we were in the same city sometimes it felt like he only wanted to see me like once or twice a week. I guess I gave up my want for more attention and allowed him to have the alone time he wanted.
And that’s the thing! Our personalities matched up great! aside from him needing more alone time than me. We were always laughing together, we enjoyed the same activities and hobbies, we were both adventurous, and he loved to travel like me. He speaks German and French and I speak Japanese and Chinese, so we did have learning languages in common too. We even talked about living abroad together. That’s why I want to pursue him. The connection we had was so strong, its stupid but we even had our own silly way of talking to each other…made up words and such. We could just be silly together and not worry about being judged.
I understand what you went through. Its possible my ex started to feel that way too at one point. But I would always fight for the relationship bc I don’t give up. Which is why im here too lol. I miss him so badly! Do you think it is possible to get back to the people we were before we gave up too much? Enough to make our exs become attracted again
I can tell you that it is possible to get back to your old self again, but it takes a lot of working on yourself. I was this type of person and it took me a long time to figure out that doing everything for another person is the wrong way to go, I still have a hard time holding back and understanding that doing too much for another person is not the way to get someone to love and appreciate you.
Is a work in progress…
@Maria Yeah it is hard to do. And I wonder to what effect this had on my relationship… like if my ex even was truly bothered by it.
Im going to try and stick to NC… and I want to reach out… I guess my only way would be by email. Does anyone have any idea of what I should say? Just a casual how have you been? Can anyone add on their experience outside of NC? How long does a fake friendship last? I messed that up last time… and I hope he will respond to me…
The last time we spoke was on skype and I brought up somethings about our relationship that I shouldnt have… we both got emotional and I asked him if he would ever want to talk to me again and he said he wanted to, he just “needed time” and he took me off skype. I still replay everything that has happened…I guess realistically it was too soon for us to even be fake friends. It just kills me knowing I may not win him back…
He will not forget you by March. He will NEVER forget you.
Just like us, however, he will learn to bury the love and memories in order to move on. I’m not saying that he can do that any time soon. In fact, I doubt it very much.
We can find our old selves, but I am striving to be someone even better than that.
I have already made so much progress. You will get there! You’re going to be so strong and amazing. You’ll have so many options for your future…
So…question. I have this friend. I love her so much. She is such an amazing soul. All we have to do is say each other’s name and we giggle. (Sounds so…girly, but it happens). We’re very emotionally open with each other. I tell her how I feel about everything…including her. I tell her that I am platonically in love, and she makes me feel amazing when she’s around. Just the other day, I told her I think about her a lot. She told me she thinks about me a lot also. I explained what type of friendship I want. One where we cuddle, have fun, laugh and one where we introduce each other to our families (wife/husband/kids), and so on. She said that she wants the same kind of friendship with me.
I think that sometimes she is just so pure that we just have this emotional attachment to each other where we can be…at times…somewhat overly expressive. She was even worried one time that she was “weird” for being so open about how she felt about me. I laughed at her and told her that I am way more open than she is…and if she’s weird, I should just end my life. lol
Do you guys think that maybe there’s a bit more than friendship? I mean. I don’t think about having sex with her or any of that. She also has a boyfriend. And I wouldn’t cross the line in that way. And sometimes I feel that maybe us being so emotionally open is pushing the limits. She did spend the night on the phone with me once right after my breakup, and I asked her to do it the next night but she avoided the question and I didn’t push for it. It didn’t happen a second time, but that might be because she felt she would be crossing some sort of line. idk…
but it hasn’t stopped her from reciprocating or even stating things first.
Thoughts? Sorry if this redirects the thread. Not my intention to make it about me.
Hey LAbound, ever heard stories of how couples who started out as good friends and then eventually became a relationship? Yep this is what is happening here… If you were her boyfriend would you be okay with her having a friend like this?
You don’t necessarily have to have a sexual relationship with another person for it to be innapropriate you know ? Is really about respecting the other people involved… I am not saying you are wrong, I am just saying it could turn problematic… Now having said that, I think is great that you are connecting with another person like that, it could turn into something fantastic, just respect the other person and don’t cross the line until the path is cleared.
Just my thoughts.
Hey Maria,
Thanks for your input. My friend is a real good girl type. I’ve seen her stop talking to other guys because they seemed even a tad bit disrespectful to her relationship. And I believe if she thought it was along those lines, she would shut it down. Her relationship before the one she is in now, she was cheated on. She hates cheaters! So, I don’t believe she would ever let it get to a point where it would be disrespectful to her relationship, and neither would I! We don’t speak like that all the time, and we don’t hang out constantly. I just wanted to see if it seemed as if there could be more to it.
I can control my feelings, and I will not let it cross the line. She is such a good friend… I don’t know if I’d ever go for a relationship with her. It could ruin our closeness. And I don’t believe that guys and girls can’t be friends because something always happens.
And to answer your question…now thinking about it… No. I wouldn’t want her communicating like that with someone else that way. I mean… wow. As I am really thinking about it… it would seem like it was more than a friend type thing.
I just always thought of it being able to express unconditional love for another human being. Because I really don’t see myself taking it further than what it is right now. And maybe that’s because I am not a scumbag, and would tell her straight up to go home to her man if she ever tried. I wouldn’t help hurt anyone.
Dear co-member of the broken hearts club,
Just like most people on this board, I absolutely feel your pain. I too have been struggling with pain and misery since my ex broke up with me in September (did long distance before that). The distance played a huge part and things just got out of hand eventually. Long story short, I’ve tried to move on but I feel dead on the inside even after so many months. He is on my mind day in and day out and I dream of him almost every night. He says it’s too late for some things and in the 5 months we’ve been broken up he hasn’t initiated contact even once, only replied when I reached out with my desperate attempts to get him back, which needless to say failed miserably. So like so many of you, I’m also wondering: why won’t he come back if he misses me and give us another chance? The big question in my mind: is he holding back because of the distance or he’s really moved on? He’s recently told me something that really confused me and made it sound like the reason we broke up wasn’t even the reason to begin with or isn’t that big of a deal anymore. But he also added that he doesn’t care anymore and past is past… No hope???
@Maria You say he won’t find anyone else who will love him as much as I do. I’m absolutely sure of that but what good does it do if he doesn’t see it? How many other women does he have to go thru to realize that? I don’t want to be “the last resort” he goes back to when all else fails. I’m just afraid that it would only make me resent him… I also agree that giving yourself fully to someone just isn’t appreciated in the end. I have to admit that my ex was a very giving person too and that made me want to reciprocate even when he grew distant and cold.
@Ly88 My ex is also a very sensitive person who doesn’t like to deal with difficult and conflict situations. I know I’ve screwed up a couple times and caused him unnecessary stress at a point in his life when he was also struggling with school and work. So, just like in your situation, he chose to eliminate me as a source of stress. The problem is that you and I don’t understand how a person can give up on something so wonderful so easily, right? The truth is, we just don’t see it the way they do. And the more you try to contest their point of view, the more they will resent you and think you’re just being selfish. In a way we are being selfish because we just want them to love us and stick with us no matter what else goes on in their lives because that’s what we would do. But people are different. This is the way they deal with stress and you can’t change that. So either they realize that riding out the storms together is easier or we really gotta move on and find someone more stress-resistant and reliable in life. Do you really wanna spend the rest of your life with someone who gives up on you at first signs of trouble? That’s what I tell myself when I get really desperate about my breakup.
Finally, I have to say this site has been a wonderful source of consolation and support for me. Thanks everyone!
@LAbound, I believe you. I also think that you can be friends with a person of the opposite sex. I think is awesome that you have connected with her, I think we all should be able to connect with other people on deeper levels than just surface type things. Unfortunately in our current culture/society these things are looked at with skepticism… and a lot of times for good reason.
I guess my only thing here is about respecting your friend’s relationship. The other person may not like your closeness, but if he is fine with it then cool! otherwise you would be in a position of hiding your friendship and that is probably not what you want.
I do think that this has the potential to grow into something else, not saying it would, but the possibility is there and if I was the other person that is the exact reason why I would not be comfortable with it.
@divine girl,
It does you no good that he will not find another person to love him the way you did, unless he realizes it before is too late. And sometimes we have to be okay with that because we have no other choice 
and the reason he does not reach out even if he misses you is because he does not want to. I know because I have been in that position, of missing someone so bad, but still not reaching out, because I did not want to be with them. For me in order to be in a relationship both things have to align.
One of the reason I did not reach out was because I did not believe he could/did change, he would talk a good talk, but I did not really see a lot of action. So in order for this person to try to reach out, you have to do whatever you can to change that belief in them. I think this site touches on that a lot, thats why you have to do NC and work on yourself and then show them that you have changed.
I’m really not doing good…I don’t care about anything anymore…I still think about suicide from time to time. I’ve become very cynical about everything. I don’t think I can get him back, I mean how could I? When he’s moved across the world…I’ve tried to beat this and I’m just not strong enough. I feel like he ruined my life. All these good things, I’ll end up throwing away. I really just feel like I want to give up on everything. I’ve been suffering for months and it hasn’t gotten any better. I hate myself. And I haven’t been able to have fun for as long as I’ve been broken up with him.
Ly88!
If you’re thinking about suicide, you should speak to someone. Doesn’t have to be a therapist, but someone you can meet with that you feel comfortable and safe with at least.
I didn’t start getting better until my 5th month. I’d have great days, and really shitty ones where I stayed in bed, crying and being pissed off.
You’re stronger than what you think. This is a test! In time, you’ll freak yourself out at how amazingly strong and brilliant you are! I’ve been where you are. I even felt suicidal in the very beginning. It feels like your life is over and when you picture a future all you see is black. That’s how it was for me. And now…going on 9 months, I am so far ahead of that. And I never thought I’d be here. Happier, healthier, more confident, smiling and laughing more and more every day, picturing a future and even a future love; with no one in particular but just a great love and future of adventure and happiness. It WILL happen for you too, but you can’t wallow in the misery. You can’t let it win. The more you sit idle, the more you stifle yourself in every way!
Thank you for your support LA. I know I need help. I am actively looking for someone to talk to.
I guess I just feel this way partially because I know if I don’t get my ex back I won’t be with anyone. I really do not want anyone else. He was the love of my life. I won’t find someone I care about more and I don’t want to
So I guess I’m setting myself up for a lifetime of loneliness
You have to heal. When you do, you will not feel like you are destined for a life spent alone.
@Ly88 I think I know what you’re feeling - I am 3 months after breakup and few weeks ago I thought I am getting better and over it - but now I am broken again and feel so lonely and empty. I have no one around to talk to - I am alone in a foreign country and have been suffering from depression for quite some time.
I was trying to think positive but now can’t stop thinking that nothing good is there for me anymore and I will not meet a person as compatibile as was my ex.
And I don’t think I will get her back so…
I don’t know if this helps but you are not alone in this.
And let’s try to be more positive that things WILL get better
LAbound said he got better after few months and now after 9 months is way ahead.
For anyone feeling suicidal, please call a hotline or talk to someone, we need you here! You probably think that I am just saying that and I don’t know you, but I have been there I know those feelings, you would not be getting what I hope is a little support from myself or LAbound if we had let those feelings take control. Please look at the new postings here and find someone who you can offer a few words of encouragement, sometimes it helps to stop focusing on yourself, find someone or something that needs you, for me at one point it was my cat, I had to stay alive because he needed to be fed etc.
Today just feel what you feel, don’t try to change it, just feel it and let it pass.