I know that you are the only one that can make your own happiness, but I can’t seem to get even close. Ever since my ex has been gone I just feel like life has become dull and nothing matters anymore. I’m trying hard to improve myself…I’ve been going to the gym, trying to eat healthy, focusing on my schoolwork. But nothing is working. He is still in the back of my mind every freaking day. I just started grad school and Im not even excited about it like I should be! What else can I do? What does everyone else do to to make themselves happy? I do want my ex back. I know I need to be appealing to him again but I’m losing hope everyday. I also tried going on a “date” and hated it. I don’t want to do that again.
Background on my relationship again. was together 5 years with ex, we never had any serious problems in our relationship. He got a job abroad and said he wanted to focus on this job and broke up with me. he will be gone for 2 years.
This is my second round of NC. I also don’t even know how long I should go for. Some people have said more than a month. (we broke up end of sept) (the first time I didn’t give him enough time to miss me) Well he is over there (since dec) and im also in a new town for school and I’m lonely. I can’t imagine how he isnt? He was never as social as I was. He hasn’t reached out to me and im scared to reach out again. I don’t know what I would say. Any ideas? Deep down in my heart I absolutely know we are soulmates. we got along SO WELL. The distance is what killed it. Since he will be away for 2 years, how can I possibly convince him to come back? Please anyone. Im drowning again/ I dont know if I should resort to getting professional help.
I know what you mean sometimes life loses its appeal and nothing seems exciting anymore.
Here are some things that have helped me get back to myself:
Read self help books
Start a new exercise plan
Eat comfort food
Keep telling yourself that at this moment all you have to do is take the next small step.
I love re-inventions, usually after something bad happens in my life I like to “re-invent” myself. I start daydreaming of what type of person do I now want to be. I change my wardrobe, start reading books on tops I never had interests on, I start eating different foods. I just basically dream up a new version of myself and go from there, this always seems to get me excited about life again.
I can’t really tell you how to get him back, but you CAN get yourself back and you never know what life has in store for you, there is always a chance of meeting up in the future, but don’t put your life on hold for that person.
I am a college student struggling in my final semester of senior year, and I can relate to a lot of what you said here. So just know that you’re certainly not the only one dealing with this. My ex moved about a 9 hour drive away and since he’s been gone I just feel empty, and sometimes I feel like with the distance it’s almost impossible to fix. I have gone on dates, kept myself busy, and have been working on myself as well and nothing seems to be helping either.
Yesterday was the day that I decided I’m really tired of feeling this way, and I’m beginning to look into going to a therapist once a week. This is something you might want to look into too. It may be helpful to talk to someone who is non-biased and who has the expertise to offer you some other coping strategies. I have never gone to therapy before so I cannot speak on how helpful it is, but if you’re feeling like nothing else is helping, it’s certainly worth considering.
Some other ideas:
-Keeping a journal, writing out your thoughts can be very therapeutic for some people.
-Self help books, I bought a couple of these specifically on communication (that’s the only issue my ex and I had) and I felt brief spurts of inspiration.
-Make a list of all the things you like about yourself, and refer to it often.
-It’s also important to remember that all of this requires baby steps. Just try to take one little step every day or every other day, and you’ll get there. These things take time and it’s frustrating but in time you’ll get there. I know it’s easier said than done but we just have to keep pushing ourselves through.
Thank you both for the kind words. I will try and express my feelings in healthier ways. If that doesnt work I may seek a therapist. I want to enjoy life…its just so hard when you know youve lost someone so important to you. I wanted to be with him the rest of my life and I would have done anything on earth for him.
I really hope I can get him back. We were always laughing and having fun together, I was kind and caring. I treated him like gold.
If you try some of the things listed above and stick with it, you will feel better over time.
A therapist may be a good idea too if after a few more weeks you can’t come to terms with the breakup. (I’m not saying have moved on, but in a better place.)
All of us here love to help so vent to us whenever you need to.
When my breakup first happened, I went to see a therapist. He wasn’t much help because I didn’t go to him repeatedly. Instead, he told me I was very well self-prescribed and seem capable of getting through my ordeal independently.
He also suggested I had adjustment disorder. lol I gave him the craziest look. Pretty much if you grieve for a long period of time after a life event (death or breakup) you may have the disorder… and they’ll try to prescribe you something for it. But like I said, I handled it by myself and within a few weeks (with the help of this site, reading self-help books, joining a sports team and making sure I never stay in bed past 10am- getting bathed and dressed even if I had no where to go) I felt a lot better.
ps… I even completely redecorated my home. So it didn’t seem like I was walking into the same place where I had lived with my ex for 3yrs of our almost 9yrs.
I can relate a lot to what you are going through and how you are feeling. Grad student myself even and my ex went long distance before our breakup too.
Therapy or counseling can work wonders. I think it’s more helpful to women as we like to talk and connect on a social level. It can feel really great just to know that you are being heard and considered. I’ve been going to therapy since before the breakup and it’s done wonders.
Something that helped me the most was getting angry. That’s when things really changed for me. I snapped out of the sadness and was angry at how he could do something like this to me and how I had given him so much. I also got angry at myself for letting him take away my happiness and that I was so miserable over him. After that, I didn’t want him to have power over my emotions anymore and set out to live a full life for myself.
Being in a new town can be awesome. Do some exploring and find out what’s out there. Try new things. Do whatever you can to make yourself feel better and happy. Treat yourself, pamper yourself, make time to relax and just enjoy doing what you want. Try not to see your time as lonely, but as an opportunity.
Therapy can work if you find a good one, but trying to find a good one when you are feeling lost can almost add to your helplessness. But like the others said if things continue the same way after a few weeks, then you should try to find one.
I have found that support groups are sometimes better. This site is a great support group!
@LAbound Thank you for the support. I really can’t say how thankful I am for having everyone on here to talk to. Being apart of the community on this website has really helped me…sometimes even more so than my friends or family.
Thanks for sharing about the therapist. I have never been to one, but I won’t rule it out. They told you that you had a disorder? I’ve never heard of prescribing something for what you mentioned. They would probably say I have it too lol.
I guess I just can’t get over the fact that I was so good to my ex, I treated him amazingly and gave up a lot for him. Its like how can you get rid of someone who loves you unconditionally, treats you well, would do anything for you? I feel like it was all because of this new job… but at the same time I don’t think like him. I wouldn’t break up with someone just because I moved. But he cant handle stress and cant handle difficult situations. He is very fragile. That’s why I feel like he did it. Like he couldn’t handle the stress of a new important job and focus on me. It’s hurtful. I know he works for a very good company but come on.
I just don’t know how long to wait to reach out again… I really want it to work this time. First round was almost a month then we talked to often and had a bad convo. Should I wait 3…6 months? it seems so long. I miss him so badly. What is life if you can’t spend it with the people you love? that’s how I think. the relationships you make with people are more important than any amount of money in the world.
@Nell thank you for your post. you mentioned your ex went long distance, did he also leave the country? Have you had any luck reconnecting with him? (if that’s what you are wanting) I am trying so hard to do things for myself, but I just don’t care. I guess Im extremely depressed. I just hate the feeling that I lost the love of my life and not being able to do anything about it.
I may try a therapist… they will probably tell me to move on completely and forget about him… so I would probably stop going lol. Who knows. I think everyone on here can understand that connections of the heart can be strong, and if you know this person is right for you, you don’t give up.
@Maria Thank you for the post. Yeah I completely agree. Finding the right therapist seems daunting right now. And I wouldn’t have any referrals so it would be hard to get the right person. This site has kept me going through all of this. Its so good to talk to people that understand the level of hurt you are experiencing. Heart break is one of the worst feelings Ive ever had. Like something is constantly clutching my chest tightly and making it ache. I would cry myself to sleep and have days where I literally wouldn’t get out of bed. All I could do was sleep. Some people may think its overreacting but its really not. Im still in emotional pain everyday, I just have to function with it because Im going to school.
I don’t want to feel like this. I wish my ex would realize the mistake he has made. He will never find someone who loved him as much as I did. I put his happiness before my own. Seeing him happy made me feel filled with joy. Im crying right now just typing about it. Love is a crazy thing.
Yes, my ex also went out of the country. He is still gone. I haven’t tried to reconnect as things had got pretty nasty on his end, fighting, blaming, lying, etc. I’m shooting for 2 months of NC before I reach out. I don’t want to get back together, but we do need to talk about some things at some point. Right now I still feel some anger and other emotions so I know the time isn’t right.
It sounds like LAbound had a bad therapy experience, don’t let that scare you. A good therapist should never tell you to just move on, forget, or try to medicate you right off the bat. I have a pretty good therapist. She never tells me what to do, just tries to help me realize for myself what I should do and what would be right for me. She’s very understanding, never tried to diagnose me with any disorders or try to medicate me, haha. She also went through a bad breakup and divorce so it helps when she shares her experiences. It’s been a really great experience for me.
Are you on campus? Hit up or call the medical center and see if they have therapists/counselors on campus or if they can refer you to someone. They should be able to point you in the right direction and it won’t feel like such a huge task.
We have all been there, the thing about heartbreak is that most of us experience the same things. Sure there are some people who seem to move on a lot faster, but everything you are describing are things we have all been thru, is not over reacting at all.
But I can promise you this:
Your tears will run out eventually.
You will get tired of sleeping too much.
Your heart will grow resistant to the pain and eventually it won’t hurt.
You will miss him less and less one day.
Your mind will begin to occupy itself with other things.
He will not find anyone who loves him as much as you did. And one day he will realize it, hopefully not too late…
This is a good time to look within to see if there are anythings that you need to change, sounds to me like you are a very giving person and sometimes this works against you. You should be careful to only give to another person as much as they earn, and they should reciprocate as well. When we over give ourselves, a lot of times people don’t appreciate it and so is easy for them to leave us.
The good part of this is that you will come to learn so much about yourself than you even thought.
I can honestly say that all the breakups I have gone thru, I would not change it, because I have learned so much about myself. The only thing I wish is that they would have happened a lot sooner than they did, and I should have started moving on a lot faster than I did.
The guy that brought me here is a long distance situation too, and although I am no longer in pain, I still in the back of my mind am hoping we reconnect sometime in the future. But in the mean time I have a life to live
All the feelings you described are what I’m going through as well. I know that in time it will get better/easier but just making it through the now is the part I’m finding hard. When it hurts so much and you miss them so badly but they seem to be going on like normal, it wrenches your heart and makes you wonder whether you really did mean anything to them & if they’re thinking about/missing you at all. If they are…why haven’t they come back?
Thank you for your post. Just what you said is how I feel…like if they do miss us why wont they come back? I hate feeling helpless. And its up to them to comeback. lets hope they do
I am just curious about your opinion on contacting my ex. You always give great advice and I wanted to see how long you think I should wait. I would say the last time we talked was right before Christmas (and have not talked /contacted since). That’s when we had a bad conversation and he took me off his Skype. How long should I wait to reach out again? I want to be effective this time. However Im worried that he wont want to talk to me again… I don’t even know what I would say… “How have you been?”… IF you have any ideas on this I would be so grateful.
AWESOME. Just made the mistake of looking at his facebook, and he changed his cover page to him looking like he is having the time of his life!! I am having a freak out. Why wouldn’t he being having the time of his life right?? Hes abroad and im stuck here. I hate everything right now.
I feel like I am going mad with regret and missing and love I can’t share for him. I posted my story last night but it still needs moderation. In the meantime, I decided to take the NC for at least 30 days, but since Sep, when we broke up we texted almost every day, even if short texts.
I am crying now, I am crying everyday, and I really don’t know what to do. I am in the process of finding a job, as well, and I really can’t concentrate. Crying takes away all my energy and will.
I will try all the advice above and hope that someday I will be able to smile again. I just want him back.
Don’t want to cry anymore. I also know that he is happy now with his rebound (hopefully) and it just breaks my heart.
All the best to all of you…
L.
@Ly88 hey! Cheer up and don’t bother with what he is up to. Forget about him and do your nc. Finish your nc and then come back to being frustrated and freaking out. kidding…the thing is: you won’t be frustrated nor freaked out. You’ll be much calmer and okay after a couple of weeks. Go for another couple of weeks and concentrate on other things on your life. He might even reaches out for you, mine did. Only the first 2 weeks of nc was hard on me.
Things like that are going to happen, nothing abnormal here. We know that people only post things on FB that look like their life is the best ever. If it were any other time you would not be attaching so much emotion to it.
You also need to remember that guys process things differently, most don’t sit around moping, I know that we wish they would so we know that we meant something to them etc. but a may just go on to do things so they don’t have to think about us, that’s why you see them going out partying and get into rebound relationships etc.
But sooner or later they will have to deal with the loss of the relationship and that’s why you cannot be contacting him until some time has passed, so hopefully by then he will have started missing you.
Go do the same thing, focus on yourself and do fun things, even if they don’t seem fun, do it anyways and eventually you will start having fun.
kidding…the thing is: you won’t be frustrated nor freaked out. You’ll be much calmer and okay after a couple of weeks. Go for another couple of weeks and concentrate on other things on your life. He might even reaches out for you, mine did. Only the first 2 weeks of nc was hard on me.