Hey. So I just got back from a night out and I just want to call him and have a heart to heart with him. But I know I can’t think straight so I won’t do it… It was so hard… I couldn’t care less about being single and clubbing. A friend f his was there too. Bah I hate my life
@Jen8720 I think you should really do no contact for now… Try to get relationship rewind pdf and have a read
well I have an update in my situation…I did no contact for a month…dropped him a text he responded positively. I left it another week and asked for some car advice which I then apologised for my part in the argument and said I understand why he ended it. He said no hard feelings. I then left it another week after that and then I finally texted him last night to say that I think we are making a mistake and is there a chance we could chat over a coffee or beer sometime? He didn’t reply and I thought all was lost until I got a reply this morning. He agreed to meet and asked if I was ok. We’ve arranged to meet next weekend which I am over the moon about! I’ve never mentioned about getting back and I’ve never begged I’ve also given him plenty space. I think you should do the same Kaila!
That is so great! I am happy for you. Try to be calm and I am sure you will at least have a really good talk about things.
I really want to give him time, that feeling I had these last days isn’t as intense anymore. But my friend will talk t him this weekend so for now I can’t really just relax and let time go by
@kaila, i didnt read through everything but i skimmed your story.
first - you mentioned he had just gotten out of an 8 year relationship? how long before? i ask because your relationship only lasted 5 months which leads me to think that it may have been a rebound for him. I’m not saying he didnt have real feelings, but getting out of an 8 year relationship should take someone a long time to get over. one of my best friends broke up in august with her boyfriend of 4 years because he moved to another state for medical school. she started dating someone else about a month after and i know she did love him but she ended things last week after 6 months because she realized she was still in love with her ex and never really gave herself a chance to grieve the relationship ending. she doesnt want to go back to her ex because it doesnt make sense right now, but she decided she needed some time to herself to sort out her feelings. i wonder if your ex just wasn’t ready for a new serious relationship.
second - you need to go no contact. don’t look for an excuse to reach out and text him. right now he is having his cake and eating it too. you jump at the opportunity to spend time with him and always initiate, but he hasn’t been forced to commit to you or be without you either. its a comfortable middle ground for him and he will stay there if you allow it. try to go a full 30 days and then re evaluate where you are and how you feel. n you wont be able to truly focus on yourself and your healing until you can cut him out and even if you do reconcile, you’ll need to be moved on and removed from the past relationship. tell him you need some time and space to gather your thoughts and you’ll reach out to him when youre ready. then really don’t reach out and take some time to reflect on the relationship, focus on you, get your own happiness back, and improve yourself for a future relationship, whether it be with or someone else. personally, i think 30 days isn’t enough time to do all of this, but start there and see how you feel. i guarantee if you do make it through 30 days of nc you will view the situation differently after.
third - its great that youre addressing your own personal issues (insecurity, neediness, etc.), but it takes time to get to the root of these issues and improve yourself. since you’ve been in contact with him and the break up is still relatively fresh, i don’t think its really been enough time to have made those changes. i know for me, i didnt really start making positive changes and being happy in my life until about 4 months after my break up because thats how long it took me to accept it was over and i had to move on - regardless of what was in store for the future. even if we reconcile, i would need to enter the relationship with a fresh start and i was unable to do that before because i still felt resentment, our old issues hadn’t gone away, and i was too obsessed with how to “get him back” and not how to be happy on my own. in my opinion, it will never work unless you are truly happy on your own.
fourth - don’t focus on him saying he would like to try again someday. i think that is a statement many ex’s make to lessen the blow and ease their own guilt about hurting someone. maybe he means it, but maybe he doesnt and its honestly too soon to know if he himself even means it yet! i know my ex has said that to me, but our situations are very very different. my ex and i were together for 7 years and he explicitly told me he wanted to date other people to confirm his “what if” doubts before he could make a greater commitment to me. honestly, he doesnt know if he wants to come back eventually or not! maybe he will if he dates other girls and sees he was happiest with me, but maybe he will meet someone else who he connects with and not even want to come back. if i hung on those words, i would never move on. is there a chance he will come back? absolutely. but i can’t wait around for it. maybe in the process ill meet someone and not even want him to come back! the point is that him saying that is stringing you along and you need to take the power back into your own hands. tell yourself “ok maybe he will be back, but maybe he wont. I’m going to keep finding other ways to make myself happy so if he does come back ill have all these great things to tell him and show him and if he doesnt i will be happy again because I’m actively seeking out other things to make me happy”. thats how you have to view this. there are no guarantees. theres no sure fire way to get an ex back and ultimately they have to decide to come back on their own. I’m a big advocate of giving time and space for a few months and then checking in to see how the other person feels, but some would disagree with the way to go about it. every situation is so different - some people reconcile after a week and some after years apart and of course others never do. I’m not a big fan of false hope and i think its great to get support through these forums, but strangers who read your stories can’t tell you that he will miss you and be back or that not contacting him will make him come back. no one can tell you these things. you have to take what everyone here says with a grain of salt and focus on becoming the best version of yourself and doing whatever it is you can to make yourself happy in the meantime. whatever is meant to be will be, but don’t ever revolve your life or your happiness over “getting someone back”. no one else in the world will ever be you and if your ex can’t appreciate that after some time apart then someone else will. put your own happiness first and don’t bank on him coming back. let it be a pleasant surprise if he does. my overall advice? don’t contact him for a while. give him plenty of time and space and then reach out and test the waters after enough time has passed.
Yes. That was something that worried me in the relationship and made me feel insecure. Two weeks ago we met and talked for about an hour about our relationship and honeslty I really think he cares a lot and isn’t lying when he says he would like to get back. I told him I wanted to know the truth so to tell me what he feels and not hold back. He als talked about is previous relationship, and said he regrets being in it for so long. That he ignored things he shouldn’t have and changed himself and her and it wasn’t worth it. He also said that he was alone for a short time, but I I was someone he really wanted to be with and he looked straight in my eyes and asked if I had doubts about it. I said no. He carried on saying that because I was someone he really wanted to be with and if what he had to do was dealing with those issues he was gonna do that and fight for it, but he isn’t doing that now anymore.
I do feel like I have changed enough for it to really work out. I didn’t have that feeling one month after the break up, but I do now. For me half of the problem was a matter of perspective and putting my relationship, not my insecurities, first. Relax and dont stress about the small stuff. So even if I still to work a lot on myself, the fact that my mentality, the way I see things, changed, makes all the difference.
But I do agree that I still feel resentment, I am obssessed with getting back and all those things. For me we should either get back in the following weeks or let it cool off and get back in months from now when I will be fully immersed in my life, have made a lot of progress in it and all the negativity from the relationship is out of his mind. I am just affraid because we were together for a short period and because a third or forth of our relationship was negative and I didn’t take care of it and him properly he will move on and forget about everything
And honestly I think I helped him see his relationship with her wasn’t worth it.He did say he was with her out of comfort also, I forgot to mention that.
I loved doing stuff with him, being with his family and friends. I loved doing stuff for him and them. I gave him a lot of attention and was sweet and caring. All things she mostly didn’t do.
I think he really likes me and wants would like to give it another shot. But now he feels he needs time for himself. I didn’t feel ready for a month or so either and I was the one who got broken with, he was always amazing to me. So if he broke up, he didn’t feel right and all that, it’s only normal it takes more time for him
Hi Kaila
surprised we have lot off common.me and my ex dating 5 months she had a very big relationship before me.7 years and i ve been single for a long time! Due to my insecure and jelousy we broke up.she also jealousy and insecure.in what phase are you now? I will read all the replys.maybe I could say something about your situation.
He isn’t insecure like me. He is a few months younger but such a man, a admire him so much and that is also why I was so much insecure than I normally would, but I think my issues come from way back in my childhood mainly so that is why I am going to a psychologist. But I am not jealous. 5 6 years ago I was with someone I admired so much too, and I did all the being jealous and being possessive thing. He broke up with me and I learned from it and never did that again.
Right now, last time we talked about our relationship (2 weeks ago) he said he wants to get back but is affraid things will be the same again, that he still remembers the negative a lot so he doesn’t feel ready yet. I was with him again a week ago for a coffee and giving him his gift for his birthday and it was ok. He was kind of distant but also I think he enjoyed his time with me. I said we shoud go for a motorcycle ride someday, he said yes the weather is gonna be good so we could do that.Nothing more after that.
@atea1234 any more thoughts?
i think you are in the right way.good for you…keep up and updating…
not sure what else you want me to say? i gave you my opinion. i know most people here are looking for someone to tell them that their ex will be back or what they can do but i really can’t tell you that - I’m sorry. its impossible.
the bottom line is that he doesnt want to be with you right now. will he want to in the future? maybe. but maybe not. the way i see it is you have two choices: 1) sit around and wait and be miserable and pine over him and obsess over what you can do to get him back or 2) try to be happy and move on and if he comes back or you reach a point where you feel truly happy without him then reach out to see where he stands. i had a similar choice since my ex also left the door wide open to reconcile. i chose option 1 for the first 4 months and i was miserable. so i decided to just let go with love and I’m much happier. i also feel i said everything i want to to my ex. i left the ball truly in his court. but i need to focus on being happy without him and thats my goal now. most people never reconcile, but among the ones who do I’m sure you will hear stories of those who were no contact, some who spoke occasionally, and others who remained friends. you have to do what feels right. personally, as much as i would love to have my ex in my life, i knew i would never move on unless i cut contact and since he didnt want to be with me NOW i had to try to move on. if he changes his mind in the future ill evaluate where i am.
my best advice is to focus on the present. anything can happen in the future and we can try to over analyze and predict and plan and scheme but the truth is none of us can predict how we will feel tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, etc. he doesnt want to be with you now in this present moment so you have to be your own top priority. do whatever it is that can make YOU happy. you can control control yourself - not him.
and also i think having friends talk to him is a bad idea. you should keep all of this between you two.
Thanks for your response atea. You raised a few questions on your first post and I answered so I was thinking if you had anything to had and/or if it seemed better now.
I have two fears with my friend talking to him. Or three rather. One that she says something she shouldn’t. Two that he feels presure but I don’t think he will. Third that we will say he doesn’t feel the same for me anymore. And oh, that from this point on he will talk to her about this and not me. But that is because it happened to me before something similar.
I am very stressed and anxious but well only thing I can do is enjoy today because tomorrow after she tells me about it I might go down a lot. Thanks for the words and be strong
I know I am being annoying but I am really stressed out and anxious. I don’t know how I’ll handle things if my friend tells me the talk went really wrong. Even if she tells me he said he doesn’t feel the same anymore or whatever, I don’t want to stop fighting but the fact that she listened to that from him and sees me almost everyday, I know she will no longer give me any hope or encouragement… She came to facebook a few hours ago and saw the message I sent her about gym stuff and didn’t even answered. If it was positive I think she would have said something already 
I guess it’s bad… sorry I just need to vent a little I am so scared
Hi Kaila,
This is probably a good reason why we shouldn’t get friends to talk to our exes. You don’t know whether what he says to her is even going to be the truth? The only things you need to concern yourself with are what he says to YOU. I seriously suggest some time out-no contact for at least a couple weeks! It will give him time yo feel what it’s like to not have you in his life and for you to just concentrate on yourself! In the month that I have been in no contact I have started a teaching course, had a hair cut and dyed it a different colour-I’ve concentrated in myself. Maybe you should set your a goal maybe? You said you go to the gym why not do an organised run for charity or something? Years ago when I split up with someone I decided to climb the 3 highest peaks in England, Scotland and Wales…in 24 hours. It kept me training in the gym and I had something to focus on that made me feel really good about myself. I think maybe you should try something like that.
It’s irrelevant what your friend is going to say because he isn’t saying it to you! He might look like he’s happy and coping ok but you don’t know what is going on in his head!!
Hey Jen thank you for your support as always. Right now I think my friend fell asleep lol. The wait is terrible. The only thing I want is just that he listened to her and that’s it. I just don’t want him to have put a full stop in his mind to our possibilities of getting back.
So, I am in the gym but I want to gain weight. A lot of it. I am very underweight. I can’t do those types of things. I do want to change my hair color, so this month I might just do so yes.
How are you feeling?
Kaila, how are thing going for you now? i am sorry i dont have time to read all the new posts, but i hope u could write in a short way of how things are now.
No news yet my dear. Thank you for wanting to help 
oh okay, keep us updated ! =)
I have news me and my “ex” are kind of together, just not commited and it is unoficial Im waiting for him to be ready to commit to me again if he wont then I will be okay too. at least I have him in my life in good terms, and we both have our needs
Yes I have read it somewhere else already, now take your time
My friend still hasn’t said anything and I’m here thinking she is avoiding me because what she has to say is that bad… I am feeling really bad right now… For a month or so I handled missing him really well. I actually didn’t miss him as much as I thought I would. But now I am getting so desperate. He just posted something about animals, which is not very common. He knows I love animals. I know that doesn’t mean anything but knowing he just a few minutes ago was onfacebook and the fact I was looking through his profile makes me feel I could just call him, and have a heart to heart and we will get back… but I know it probably isn’t like that… and I miss him so much! This makes no sense. We loved each other and were going thru things together. We broke up and the door was open for thr future. We were together after a month of breaking up and he was so sweet even grabbed my hand. What the hell happened. Why this? I know I screwed up but I don’t deserve this. I love him with all my heart for everything he is, I am making such an effort, letting him have his time, trying to understand and respect that he needs this now as I never respect his time during the relationship. And I am not getting anything in return. I know he doesn’t owe me nothing but oh this is so hard. I miss him so much and I know things would work out much better than before and if they didn’t it wouldn’t be due to the same issues again 