Hi! So I was with our mutual friend today. She is really cool, we used to hang out the 4 of us a lot (me, him, her and her boyfriend). We became friends basically. We go to the gym 3 4 times a week together.
So she told me that he is gathering a lot of people at his house in a small town north of the country. She actually asked if I was going but in a way other people wouldnt understand. She says he looked at her, thought for a few seconds, laughed (not a mean laugh just thought it was funny how she asked it I guess) and said no.
I don’t know like… I think maybe he doesn’t feel ready and is so unsure if we will ever get back he doesn’t feel like it’s a good idea… I don’t know exaclty what to think. She thinks that if we said we would remain friends he should invite me.
Also she said she is going to talk to him. That she is sure other people have been telling him negative things and filling up his head with that and that she is the only person from his friends that actually knows me and how much I have changed and all that. I think she will say that and that we should really give it a try, that it isn’t something you can’t turn back on. Say we try and it doesn’t work, he just goes back to where he is now…
I am really affraid and I feel like he is really far from me. Like distant… That he is pulling away hard…
Should I have some talk with him for example try to figure out why did he change with me? Or send him an email saying some stuff? Before their talk?
I am affraid he will feel pressured to make a decision and between getting back or even just try to start feeling ready for it, he will decide to just go the other way and end these doubts completely
He will probably feel pressured if your friend starts talking to him yes!! Id advise her/him not to get involved. It’s been you and him so keep it that way. Yes they are his friends but definitely don’t let them get involved. He might start to feel pressured from all sides. Plus I don’t think you should pay much attention to what people say he has said. If he hasn’t said this to you then let it go over your head. He might say things to other people to sAve face and it may not be exactly how he feels. It might not be accurate because he doesn’t want to talk about this kinda thing with anyone but you.
That makes sense yes. But I am pretty sure his friends have all encouraged him to not get back, because I did make him suffer and all. She is the only one that could tell him otherwise, with reasons to. She is her friend too. She said she was doing this not just for me, but for him as well. I did ask her not to make him feel pressured and to give him her opinion so that he wouldn’t think I asked for it
Ahh right well if she’s more his friend then that’s cool. Thought she was more your friend. Would look like you’ve encouraged her to do it if she was. Well it seems there’s still something there he obviously still cares for you with everything you’ve said. I think you just need to give him some time! X
I just can’t get over how much he changed with me. A friend of mine saw him before valentines day and he didn’t seem well. He liked a post on FB on valentines day and I was told he was depressed that day. I really feel like his friends tried to make him feel better by talking crap about me and from that point on he started being more distant. Another friend told me that he sees him at a bar a lot and he is really well and happy.
I have been through a situation where I broke up and I couldn’t care about my ex and would go out and be happy. I only second guessed myself when I saw he was seeing someone else. We were in a long distance btw. I don’t want to have to pretend I am with someone for him to wake up
Kaila, I’ve read your posts. I think that you two should have had one month NC so he could really miss you and such. If he isnt sure of trying a new relationship, then dont force it. I think NC would be for now best. it seems like he still cares, but if he isnt sure to reconcile, then he wont. So you have to show him, you are okay being without him and that you’re happy and positive and confident (even if you are not, he needs to have that feeling, he probably will ask himself how she can be so okay without me, and same time he will see you arent desperate and needy for him). I understand you it is hard but for the best, and honestly, I had a friend(i am no longer friend with him cause of this), a mutual friend with my ex who also talked shit about me !! and in fact that was the one first thing that ruined my chances of reconciling in first few weeks.
If you talk to your mutual friends about your ex right now or did … I strongly suggest do not. It will come to his ear- in a way more negative way than you might think, at least in my oppinion.
Really, dont text him anymore. It is hard and all, we all miss our ex’es and them being with us. But if he is friendly and nice and then gets cold, it sure tells he is defensive towards you in being together matter. Also that you have changed, don’t say that, when the time will be you will be able to SHOW HIM the changes and improvements you’ve made. saying so doesnt prove anything. he really needs to see them. 32
Btw, about your friends. I had the same situation. they all were saying OH YOUR EX IS NORMAL and happy… he isnt sad or depressed, he laughs jokes etc etc… but i saw him a lot of times & i saw it on his face how depressed he was after new year. when I menitoned that to our mutual friends they were like: Loool he isnt, whats with you? forget about him already, he wont come back to you.
you know what he told me a week ago? That after new year he was depressed. and the mutual friends told me few weeks ago he was depressed. and i said: oh and when I said why he looks so sad and that i care about his well being you said NOT TRUE and bla bla… then i just told them: You know him, but you dont know who he is and I do. stupid-all of you, u look into his eyes and cant see the difference when he is happy and sad and I can see it from 20 meters!" Tho it is true that my ex has a poker face, but omg I always knew by looking at him, and no one else could know.He has a twin brother and my ex told me; I swear, no one knows who I really am, even my twin…you know me better than anyone else." and I know its true. he is a loner and doesnt like people (same me) but we do hang out with same friends, 70% of my friends are also his, from before we were together.Oh and we know each other from kinder garten.
So my strong advice, really NC for real, if he intiates contact idk, you probably should ignore it. I know it’s so hard i also had my last bf when I was 17, before i fell in love with my last bf and now im turning 22… after 3 months i love him still…
Thank you so much for your post and advice tami. So you read this last page of posts as well right?
I haven’t talked smack about him to mutual friends, I did once with this one because I was frustrated and I will say straight out he is being dumb by letting things slip like he is doing.
I was actually thinking of texting him for him to have a nice trip tomorrow and saying the phone he borrowed me isn’t working and ask him to get me an hardware stuff for my computer so that if the talk between our mutual friend and him goes wrong we have an excuse to be together. Also last time I waited for him to text, I really regret it. But it was after we had such a great meet up, I should have not let it cool, and try to become closer. Now in this case, I think yes, focusing on myself and try to show him in other ways I am good, positive, confident and such (facebook, mutual friends and stuff like that) will probably be better.
So you mean that after 3 months you still love your ex? It’s been two for me. I know I will love him for a long time, if we get back I will love him for years on end for sure
Also his mother is sick. I would like to ask him about her. I honestly think it’s rude for me not to… but it ruins the plan. Also I had an interview yesterday he hasnt asked how it went…
Im afraid I agree with tami420. No contact for awhile-No excuses. You can ask how his mum is after no contact period is up. Strongly suggest you take some time out from him otherwise you’ll end up driving him away! You need to show you are independent and can live without him. That although he probably isn’t, he’s replaceable! I don’t think most men respond to being chased. I think they like the thrill of chasing someone and no contact is the only way you can encourage him to start chasing you! Give him a dose of what it’s like to not have you in his life! Even if it’s no contact for say 3 weeks? Just give him some space.
I see, well i strongly suggest you dont write him at all. he knew about the interwiev he didnt ask about it… what does it tell you? nothing good, and i am sorry and i know it hurts, but… it is like that… NC until april would work for you? it 25 days and if u will feel okay fter those 25 days u still can make it 30 or more. better a bit more than less, trust me! I had done NC three times. reached out 2weeks after,one week after the first reach out and for his bday i got ignored. When I did FULL NC of not 30, but 55 days i got a response.imagine 55 days… and now you see i talk to him everyday. I swear it will be only best if u do NC. after NC ask about his mom. really it will be for your best interest. let him be now and u focus on urself.
and about friends; ah okay i understand but idk talking with friends that are friends with him, only pops up more questions about him in ur head and its even harder for you.
Ohmy god i love him like i lvoed him the first day. with the difference i dont get to show him the love and dont receive any love from him. but No problem i am positive about reconciling… not too soon, but i’ve learnt to be patient druing this 3 months:)
tami he actually has been like that since the beggining. I had a consultation for something that could be serious and he didn’t text, he just waited till we were together to ask how it went. So maybe that’s that. He did say yeah we should go for a ride, the weather is gonna be good. So I guess he didn’t ask cause he will ask next time we are together. He also always tells me to send my mom a kiss eheh (I just think its cute). My mom doesn’t cause she is mad he did this to me, but last time I said she did and he seemed happy about it.
I will try no contact yes… Thank you so much for the support. Do you think we should create a little secret group on FB?
@Jen8720: yep,55 days and that was second NC and almost one month before NC, when i reached out he ignored me i was so down :c.
Well it wasnt him reaching out, but me. I asked him for a favour but he refused in a nice and polite way. So, idk, i thought all was lost, but then one day after work went to meet with a friend and he called my ex to hang a bit, and there were only three of us …I said hello and he said hi back, and then he started to talk to me first, abut work and such.that was friday, then saturday and sunday we hanged out with friends, and went to get coffee on su day with my sister and her bf and me and my ex.Then on monday he picked me up by himself after work when I was waiting for bus… and now i drive with him everyday.
@kaila; okay I see yes. But understand u were together at that time. he still feels for you, now let him feel how it is without you and if he will miss you really! in april reach out and meanwhile its only you and you again!
Idk about FB heheh :)) I dont want my friends to see and tell him, my ex doesnt have fb so hat is not a problem xD But i can say I have met here a friend, that i actually my best friend and we have been there for eachother since december and idk i love her so amybe FB is a good idea for people who want to join
Tami actually that was all after the breakup. Yes… I have been feeling a bit more positive and focus on the fact that just less than 2 weeks ago he said he would like things to work out and he showed I let him feel nervous (in a good way) and that he still thinks and cares about the relationship. How fast could that go away?
You guys have been helping me to feel a lot better too thank you so much I understand I was considering creating a fake facebook for the group and to keep in touch with some people here.
Jen, I asked you a few questions about your situation, maybe you didn’t see them, or I didn’t see the answer? I said it would be a good idea for you to do the car thing
Hi Kaila sorry I scrolled back as I think I only read the last couple recent ones!
Yeh I think this would be good and not sound too clingy but I always think yeh that’s a good idea then a few days later think nah I’m not going to do that. I’ve read so much stuff I don’t know what to do for the best! Haha some say this no contact thing isnt a good idea where some say it is?? I think a little time apart after a break up is good for both sides to calm down and gain some perspective. Then give it a shot of reconciliation…everyone knows what their ex will respond to better than anyone on these sites I feel.
Yes that is right. Remind me how long did you break up and how long haven’t you guys talked?
I don’t know what is going on, if I am just feeling good and feel like I can live without him now, or if it’s a feeling that we won’t get back, I don’t know… but it scares me… my friend that is his friend too says she has a feeling we won’t get back. She didn’t tell me that from the beggining only for the last two weeks… I am so affraid… and I hate myself for not doing all the right things.
Kevin’s email today (from this website):
"That’s why you need to understand the healing process and
you shall strike when the timing is right.
Here is exactly what the time healing process looks like
Breakup Pain Healing >>>> Bad Memories Healing >>>> Missing You Badly >>>> Moving On"
And I’m like shit… A month ago he seemed to miss me badly. Three weeks later he says he only remembers the bad stuff but also misses me and wants to get back but not prepared. Are we still on the second phase? I hope so but I feel like he is moving on
She is gonna talk to him. I asked her to be positive and not make him feel pressured. I hope that they just have a nice light talk and he comes out of it lighter and positive and with a new perspective, that’s it
Well it’s impossible to know when “the right time to strike” is!! How can we possibly know? I just think it’s important to have that time out and distance and then maybe reach out. It kinda depends on the reason you broke up too? If it was a really bad break up then I’d suggest a longer time apart than if it was just a silly argument? It all depends on the couple I think? We were together since last October and split up beginning of feb. I didn’t speak to him for 3 weeks then I texted. We had a good chat catching up. A positive response. A week later I messaged for help about a car and he replied with some advice. I haven’t spoken to him now for about a week and a half. I still have him on facebook though. Our break up was a sily misunderstanding over text it wasn’t really much of an argument either. Wasnt nasty or anything either!
Yeah it was so stupid to break up like that. I have mine on facebook too. I am sorry but I don’t think today I am the best to give advice. I just hope this feeling comes from anything else but how my ex actually feels… Because if he feels like what I am feeling like he does, he just doesn’t care anymore and has moved on.
By the way, he lives 5 minutes from me. By foot. I am proud I haven’t ever gone to his house since we broke up
i also had my last bf when I was 17, before i fell in love with my last bf and now im turning 22… after 3 months i love him still…
but idk talking with friends that are friends with him, only pops up more questions about him in ur head and its even harder for you.
so amybe FB is a good idea for people who want to join