He says he would like to get back but...

Breakup Help reconciliation
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I fear not having a chance to make things right as this is the best person I have found yet, he fits what I want in a person more than well. And I was the one to ruin it. Sure he did mistakes. But it was mostly me. I know I can’t blame myself forever. I didn’t know any better before.

Also I know I got him before I can again… but also I know before the slate was clean. I made him feel so bad once he puked out of nervousness. This was 3 weeks before the break up. He stresses out easily as well. I know its hard for him to forget… but I didn’t make any of the mistakes after the break up. If I did one, was to be distant when we were getting close again one month after the break up. He knows I changed the way I see things. That I want to make it right. That I really want us to work out and care about him. That has to count for something. To me the shear fact he said we could get back again the day we broke up, and that 2 months later he was still saying he would like to… makes me think it wasn’t that bad the mistakes I’ve made during the relationship. Still bad enough for him to remember them a lot after two months.

Not sure what do you mean by if you missed something… But maybe I already answered in the first paragraph

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He has told you that he can see a day were you 2 are back together. That day isn’t today or tomorrow or even Saturday. But he still thinks like that.

So chill out. Enjoy the slow Patient build up. You will get him but only if you let things happen. You cannot force anything. If you try too hard you will in fact create the opoosite from what you desire. You have to let go a Little. Stop obsessing. When something happens that Freaks you out just relax and accept that it is a bump in the road, a Twist on the path. And Keep going.

Don’t look back. Never look back. What’s done is done. You have only one way to get him back. And that is to chill and let it happen. He wants to meet so that is a massive plus. Go and read the countlesss stories here were People never got that Chance. But you have a Chance which puts you ahead of most People here. So don’t screw up by thinking that you are entitled to something or that he is yours.

Nver mind what has happened. Of course he hasn’t forgotten but in time it will be just a distant Memory.

Do you get me?

You are on here far too much. Asking questions and looking for answers. You have the answers. Stop reading too much into things. THere is nothing to read. Get off this for a while. Enjoy life. And then you will get him

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He didn’t give me any certainty. That talk a month ago he said he wasn’t prepared and didn’t know when or IF he was gonna be…

I feel he really loved me and missed me so that is why he said he would like it to happen. But at the same time he wants to live his life now and possibly is doubtful if I am the right person. Which wouldn’t bother me if I knew he had seen me at my best, but he didn’t.

Only time and as you said patience can help. And also having fun and enjoying life and fighting for what I want :slight_smile: Which includes but isn’t restricted to him. I will take your advice and try not to come here as much. Thank you

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last time i was with him (tuesday of last week) we scheduled a meet up for tomorrow. yesterday i thought he was in class and texted asking if there were news for tomorrow and if he had something that is mine in his house. when i got home i realized he actually wasnt in class and when he is free he takes ages to answer back. so yea basically still no answer. messaged on fb he was online. nothing. called, no answer. i need to know. im here in limbo worried and feeling weak he doesnt even care anymore and i want to know what to prepare for tomorrow argh

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ok so …. im devastated. yesterday he canceled our ride for today. and said we had to talk about something. i insisted that he talked to me so he called.

the other day i went to a coffee shop his friend works in. as soon as i heard motorcyles i know it was his friend coming and i instantly left off. it was by impulse. i got nervous.

turns out, he was with him. now he thinks i turned my back on him. he also says i looked at him several times, there was no way i didnt see him.
i said, at that time, i thought he was in class, i never thought it could be him at all! never in my mind that was a possibility. he doesnt believe me. i said i dont know about you, but i really really like you, do you think i would really turn my back on you? after everything, after all ive gone thru these 3 months, i would do that?! i wouldnt! please trust me! he said we maybe could go out for a coffee today. he is really upset really mad

i also said a few things like “this friend wanted to go at around that time and when i heard the motorcycles by impulse i just got up cause i didnt wanted them to see me with him and go tell you, he is just my friend nothing is going on”. he said “i dont care if you were with someone, you know me, you know i wouldnt instantly think that, and if you had something to explain you could explain if not you wouldnt”. i said i was disapointed in him. he said you? i am! I told him 10 times I didn’t see him… Also he said he didnt wanted to talk at the time, but I insisted… this is something that would happen in our relationship too. I hope he doesnt think like oh she isnt changed. We talked for 10 minutes or so. At the end I calmly said a few things I don’t even remember right now but were good things. Said I am sorry he is having problems at home, that I care about him and his family, so he can talk to me. That I would like to do what we had planned, but ok, “just think if after everything I would do that” and we hang up. he was calmer.

Its funny cause once he passed by me in his motorcycle, i looked back lifted my hand and didnt see him greet me. i was really sad but people told me maybe he didnt see me. i also thought it was impossible. still i just forgot about it and never even talked about with him. also in the relationship i would do what he does, assume things! and fuck stuff up because of assumptions. I will make sure to tell him that so that he sees I have changed that.

Please, any tips on how to handle this? How do I turn this in my favor?

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Kaila don’t freak woman! Start recognising your behaviour patterns. Be calm. Be kind to yourself and be calm. Stop writing it on here and start doing it.

Read Patrick’s message. Then read it again. Read the messages I’ve sent you.

Literally, the only thing you have to do is be calm enough to speak your mind without the need to beg and plead. To be able to talk about normal things.

This idea of getting him cannot become your whole life. You need to live your life with the hope of getting him back. He will notice.

Indifferent, but hopeful.

Show him that you’ve changed, but that you’ve changed for you and not for anyone else.

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The coffee will be fine, by the way. Just let him come to you. Don’t text and call if he is around and not responding to your messages.

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Thank you California. But when these things happen I need to talk to get other points of view. As I said, this was a problem in my relationship, I would just assume the worse most of the time! My mind was clouded by my poor judgement, my insecurities. So I want to make sure I make as less mistakes as possible by knowing about other perspectives.

He just texted me. He said:

Hi, I am sorry but today isn’t really a good day to be together and talk and it’s not what I want at the moment. We will arrange a day to talk and we will do that ride. Kisses

So… I was happy about the text but also worried. I don’t know if he means he doesn’t want to be with me, or if he doesn’t want to be with me on a bad day… Also waiting is really a pain for me. I can wait until the end of the week. But I know I am gonna freak out if he doesnt text by then.
It’s been 3 months, I need to get a sense of how he is feeling about us. I couldn’t forgive myself if I have let things just slip by my fingers once again. I don’t leave things up to fate. I don’t believe in it. I believe I could have done things differently for us to be back together already. So now I think as much as possible each step of the way as to do the best I can. This situation gave me the fuel to keep trying. He cares. I can see that much. But I don’t know what else to think. I would like some perspective on that and on how he must be feeling right now. California? Anyone?

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Maybe he doesnt want to be with me because he is fragile and this situation made his feelings come up? If time passes he will just go back to having them in check and will be harder me to break through … Thoughts? I know most will say to give him time but… I thought this situation could help us get back. Now he is drifting away again…

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I think you’ve got to look at it this way.

When you were together, he didn’t bring so much anxiety in to your life, and the same goes in return. You didn’t bring anxiety and unsteadiness into his.

Now he mostly just makes you anxious, and as much it might feel like it that isn’t how love should feel, at least I don’t think so.

Both times I’ve seen my ex-girlfriend, she’s been hit by horrible anxiety afterwards. The same goes in return, but obviously the anxiety is more constant for me just like it is for you as we’re the ones trying to fix things.

The first time I saw her she left feeling confused, the second time I saw her we kissed for hours and it was really nice, it was the most calm I’ve felt in a long time. In those hours we laughed and she even brought up fond memories herself. But the next day I felt so anxious, and I didn’t expect her to feel it too.

Why would anyone want to come back to someone if all they do is drudge up those feelings. You need to be helping him find those positive memories. These are less intense, and that will feel odd to you because you’ve gotten used to feeling so torn. He should have his feelings in check before you get back together. If he feels fragile he will most certainly run for the hills. That’s the difficult part, you have to let each other go so that those feelings do actually go away. Humans are funny like that with emotions, you can just sense it in the other person. Letting go of all of that feels like a big risk and it is in a lot of respects, but it’s what needs to happen. The Toronto Date Doctor site talks about building a new situation in which the other person feels safe with you, and can let their guard down. You have to be in it for the long run, it’s going to be hard, and it’s never going to happen straight away. It might feel like you won’t speak for months, have one coffee and then move in together but that’s not how these things go haha. That’s just us fantasising.

When you think about it objectively, if part of you worries that outside of all those very intense emotions there isn’t anything else then it would be worth considering whether the relationship is actually worth reconciling.

And please don’t regret anything. We all know that we ‘could’ have done things differently, but what does that bring you apart from blaming yourself. I know full well that had I sent a text just saying “I think we both need to move on etc etc” and then gone no contact then things ‘could’ be more in my favour. Or not. But the thing is, I didn’t do that, because just like you I have feelings and we should not hold ourselves accountable for having them.

React sensibly to every situation, take your time and think things through with a calm mind. For you.

Change your mindset from ‘What should I have done?’ or ‘There’s nothing I can do’. Instead at every setback take a deep breath and think to yourself ‘What can I do next?’

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Oh and this is an interesting part. When me and my ex-girlfriend kissed, it was the first time during all of this that I had really given up on holding on to all the emotions of the break up. She had just been saying to me for hours how she couldn’t do it, so finally I thought to myself ‘Well you won’t see anymore emotion from me’. I thought enough is enough. I’m done with this. I had paid £57 ($85?) to go and see her, and had followed her for hours trying to reason with her, and it hadn’t worked.

Then everything turned around.

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Little Update: My response to his text

Sorry for taking long. I didn’t understand your message very well, but ok. I really am sorry that we were going to be together and because of something like that we are like this. I wish we could just talk. But if you think its not the right time I understand. I’ll be waiting for our ride then. Today I’m gonna be at the same place so if you see me say something please, don’t just assume again. Kiss

I was actually gonna re-read but hit send instead. I don’t know how I could or couldn’t have change it but well it’s sent now. I wish we could just talk normally as friends, text back and forth as friends sometimes and not be with these stupid games. I know at the beginning it’s what he wanted. Stay as friends text each other. Then I purposedly did the no contact periods… But… Today it’s Easter! I want to wish him happy easter, and I know he won’t do it for me. He didn’t answer my text but I didn’t expect him to. Should I wish him happy easter?

Now answering you California:

Actually we did bring anxiety into each others life. Mine was mostly brought upon myself, and his, I caused it. Every week there would be some complain or something from me. It was draining for both of us.

Today I am feeling anxious again and honestly I don’t know how to make him feel safe again. I want to take care of him so badly. When I know he isn’t ok I always get in touch and want to know what’s going on. A month ago on his birthday we talked on the phone and he told me about his problems at home. I felt good about that like he felt good about talking about it with me. Lately I think I insisted too much that he should talk to me I’m all confused…

I guess I need to wait until he schedules that ride. I hope he doesn’t decide by then we shouldn’t really get back. I want to bring a sense of calmness and positiveness, have really nice moments with him. It was supposed to have been saturday but well no use mourning over that.

At the almost 2 months mark we went to the movies, and I was so so nervous. I wanted to get close to him he actually was sitting close to me and me close to him but we didnt really touch each other like grabbed hands or interlocked arms or anything like that. At the end I made a puppy face for sure and he hugged me and kept it like that cause I was shaking. I said I want to things to work out. He said “me too” and said Im worried with you you are shaking! So yeah that probably wasnt good either cause he saw how I was… but he was weird too. I could see something was wrong he was cold…

I also read on that site that we can’t put a time on getting back… I guess I need to learn to live with this anxiety and fear he that he will just get close to someone else. I was about to end this but now with this situation I will just give it more time. A lot of feelings stired up inside him for sure. When we were together in the beginning after the first arguments he would say he feels closer to me. So maybe this might have helped. I know it seemed like we were together almost.

Well this situation makes me feel like he must have other feelings. Most people think it’s a bit ridiculous he is so mad over this. So actually I feel good that he is.

An I totally understand you. When I do something out of trying to manipulate it always backfires. I went to that coffee cause I wanted to be seen living my life and with a guy. But then when the motorcycles came I got nervous and acted on impulse. And then this happened. So it’s best if we are honest, do the right thing, act with our head and hearts together. At least the outcome is comes from a sincere place.

About your situation, how is that going? Have you been talking? Are you giving her time? Are you meeting up?

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kaila, i felt the need to answer your post because one of my best friends is in a similar situation but she is on the dumper side. she had a long term relationship that ended after about 5 years back in august. the break up was due to them becoming long distance. about a month later she started dating a guy who we had all been friends with growing up. their relationship progressed really really quickly and no one could believe how quickly she got over the 5 year relationship and how much she already loved the new guy. well she broke up with him last week after 6 months and it sounds similar to your breakup. she told me she ended things with him because he was insecure and sensitive and also jumped to conclusions and they began fighting a lot. he had never been in a long term relationship and i think that maybe caused some friction because he didnt know how to act. anyway he was devastated about the breakup and cried, pleaded, begged, etc. she said it was way too soon as she’s obviously sad but reality hasn’t set in yet to see if she made the right choice.

she was really stressed from him continuing to contact her. finally on thursday he sent her a text saying he recognizes that he made a lot of mistakes and wants to take some time to mature and grow and he hopes they can revisit in the future but for right now she’s right and he respects her decision. she thought that was incredibly mature of him and now is taking some time to really think about what she wants. she has very mixed emotions because i think she is also just now starting to process the 5 year relationship ending because she jumped into a new one quickly.

i really think that every situation is different and unique so i don’t want you to base your decisions off this story but it reminded me of you. I’ve read your recent updates and i think the best thing you can do right now is to tell him you respect his decision about the breakup and feel like you could use some time to grow and mature on your own but you want to keep the line of communication open so that there could be a possible reconciliation down the line if you should BOTH decide thats what makes you happy. then you should really take a step back. i know being patient and waiting is virtually impossible and i know you think the longer that goes on the harder it will get to reconcile but i don’t believe you’ve healed enough from the first relationship ending yet. i think you need to really work on getting to a point where you feel this is HIS loss. i know you made past mistakes - everyone has. but him getting mad at you for this reason is in my opinion very selfish. he broke up with you. he’s lucky youre still wanting to reconcile. even if you did ignore him on purpose, you would have every right. i think some time and space without pushing or trying too hard would be really beneficial for you both. you need to see if you will gravitate back together naturally. he knows how you feel and he knows you want him. you’ve said your piece and now give him some time.

good luck :slight_smile: hope youre feeling ok

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Hi, so I was reading about how you feel anxiety. I think thats normal, but it depends to what degree. I know for certain I felt it for an entire week afterwards even after him continuously texting me. Eventually I was fine, not worried just going about things and he began texting me again this week. Oh by the way it was a year relationship and I ended it because he was ignoring my feelings and it was becoming hard to withstand. I now feel anxiety, but thats because complications arose that was both our fault…

Anxiety can also be nerves, maybe you just feel nervous of what may or may not happen. Do you do any sort of relaxation techniques or exercises? I find yoga is very freeing or even painting.

I’m up for offering any assistance, if you just need to chat or what not.

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Hi atea, thank you for remembering me :slight_smile:

The thing is, I actually told him those things when we broke up! I didn’t beg or plead. He broke up with me and at that right moment I did insist and beg that he gave me one month to change. But he said he couldnt and I asked him to please meet up with me in a few days to talk. So 2 days later we met. I told him we should try again that I see what I did wrong. He said he wasnt feeling ok with himself, that he needed to focus on him and we got to the conclusion that time for ourselves would be good for us individually as well as for the relationship. and that we would keep being friends and talking and we would see what would happen. I was actually the one at the end of the talk that said “ok so we both need time for ourselves now… ok” and thats how our talk ended. i looked at him smiled at him and touched him on his arm, we hugged holded hands. and i was feeling positive and excited about making changes in my life and in myself, and that we would get back in time. a month later my feeling was confirmed. he grabbed my hand, hugged me, lifted me from the floor while hugging. he said he had hopes to get back that he missed me. after that I dont know what exactly happened but this is how we are now.

I believe yes his relationship had an impact. the previous one. but i feel like it was just something that was there, stuck. she didnt give him attention, she didnt do things with him that he enjoys. anyway, i understand for the past 9 10 years he was always in a relationship so this time off can be good for him. and unfortunately just like your friends ex, I have got a lot to prove. And yes you are right. He is being selfish. He also does things I dont like, like liking guys comments saying he “needs a good fuck” or “female company”. He knows I’ll see it. And still acts like that.
Also he passed by me on his motorcycle once and I didnt see him greet me. But thought maybe he didnt see me and let it go. I will be sure to tell him that for him to see I dont jump to conclusions anymore. Anyway we did agree to meet, so it would be weird if I ignored. Its scary whathappened but at the same time it shows he cares and cant even think straight

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And yes I have been feeling good. I even went on a date today and I have been listening to romantic-ish songs without feeling bad. Weird. I still get anxiety and fear. A lot of fear. But I am just trying to focus on muyself, improving and wait for our meet up.

How have you been doing?

Any news on your part? I know you met him and he even cried. You said bye and good luck. Any news from there? Did he contact you?

nycor I will answer in a bit, I’m a bit busy : x

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nycor

This was by far one of the worse things I have had to deal with. I never tried for so long and so intensely to get back with anyone. I got broken up with years and years ago, like 7. The relationship after that, I broke up. And was single for 3 years. This guy is a dream to me in a lot of ways. And I truly believe it’s a mistake if we don’t try again. It freaks me out this last situation… That we were to go on a ride and I would see how he was acting towards me. Finally after 3 weeks no contact I was no longer feeling he was as uncomfortable talking to me. And now this happened so I don’t know really. I will have to wait once again. He didn’t tell me when we were going to meet. I don’t know how long I should wait :confused: that gives me alot of anxiety. Also he has been liking other girls pictures. Like constantly. But does never like anything I post or even my pictures. And I am starting to be sick of his behaviour towards me. He is turning something that could work out because we loved each other so much… into this nasty thing where he is showing how of a jerk he can be and turning against me. Now that I think about it, I did ask when we were talking about how I supposedly ignored him, why he was turning against me. I think at that point he said I was forcing him to talk about things right at that moment and he wanted us to talk calmly later. But thats too bad. He shouldnt have told me by text we needed to talk…

Sorry about the long rant. Post your thread I’ll read it. Also if you want here is my kik: kailak19

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Kaila

Hmm he seems to be dodging the situation. I don’t know everything but from what Ive read he doesn’t seem to be ready… Idk if he ever was after wards but at this point he seems to be doing the “single life” but he’s also keeping your attention. That’s a bit of an a****** move.

Now if you truly think it’s worth the work I say give it time. You’ve most certainly put in your effort but now he has to as well. You have presented your thoughts and he seems to keep dancing around as if not wanting to give the definite answer. Now you say he’s the dream guy, but have you come to understand that even if you try it might not work? I’m saying this because it took me understanding that in order to just relax and let my anxiety go.

Now I’m not saying give up. You feel it’s important so keep going but do not let him drag you along. Maybe he’s still healing or is confused, so do what you said and wait. When a situation presents itself attempt again. For now go to taking care of yourself, I’m an avid meditator and it has brought me peace. And like I said that hobby you enjoy do it more often. Slowly your anxiety begins to ebb away.

I hope I helped ^.^
Also ask me anything and I’ll help to my best extent!

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He never initiated contact after our one month of being broken up. Or even before that. Also I don’t know if you read the first post where I tell my story at that one month he was so into me… I am starting to live with that but it has been really difficult for me to overcome how much things changed after that.

If I understand that even if we try again it might not work? Absolutely. But I want to make sure. There were a lot of mistakes and situations I created because I didn’t know better. I learned now and I have a better sense of how to make him happy. I feel like I truly know him… or did before I started seeing all these behaviors. But yes I came to that realization after watching a video on youtube of a couple splitting up. They just said they rarely fight but they don’t think its for them. At that moment I saw that yes even if we tried it might not work down the line for any other reason. But I want to know. I need to be sure.

Anyway, about yoga, I have yet to try it. There is yoga at the gym but still havent gone yet :stuck_out_tongue: Really? Cool. I guess we will have interesting talks :slight_smile: I created a topic in the no contact subforum. It’s called “Improving yourself during no contact” if you want to share something there for everyones benefit do it :slight_smile:

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I feel like it’s so over :frowning: Still nothing from him and his “it’s not what I want at the moment” (talking and being with me I suppose)… for some reason I sense it’s gonna last and I’ll be here waiting…

On the upside I have been studying, a guy has been tutoring me and he is interested x) got another one interested as well so it has been keeping me more distracted. Anyway it’s not what I want. I feel really needy… I hope he doesn’t feel the same when around girls -.-’