My ex called me last night. we spoke for four hours about a variety of things. during the conversation, I made it a point to use certain techniques I’ve read about to try and present myself as new and to plant seeds. I’m not sure if it worked. What I am about to write may be long and drawn out, but please read and give insight.
during our phone conversation, we started out by her saying how happy she is that i contacted her. she said when i disappeared, she thought about reaching out to my family to see if i was okay. (but I think she checked my twitter account and realized I was alive and well) We then spoke about her thoughts and feelings on her new guy.
She began: Ya know, I really do like him. He is really nice and he is affectionate, and we have the same ideas when it comes to family. But idk. I am so guarded. I don’t understand why he is still trying to pursue me. We have fun together, but I am so distant sometimes. My mother doesn’t want me to date. She thinks I should be single and deal with the breakup, but I feel that I have. Idk how to do this dating thing, and Eric wants to introduce me to his family on Christmas. I don’t know if that means he is trying to move really fast. I started dating him Nov. 21st. Almost a month, and I’ve heard from a mutual friend he wants to make us an official couple. I wouldn’t mind because I like him, and he treats me well. but I feel like people will judge me for moving too fast with him. My mother thinks it’s too much right now. What do you think?
Me: Well, I don’t agree with your mother on most things, but I do feel that maybe you should at least take it slow. I can’t tell you not to go for him. you obviously like him. I do think that you have went from one person to another withut a real break in between. I mean, when we decided it was too soon for reconciliation, you didn’t date for 17 days. That’s not a long time, and now you are already talking about getting into a more serious relationship with Eric.
Her: I feel like I have spent time alone to realize a lot of things. I just don’t want to be judged by everyone for moving forward after only a month and after just getting out of a relationship for almost 9yrs. I value your opinion and you know me. You’ll give it to me straight. what do you think is best?
Me: What I say to you is not because i want you back. it is what it is, and I can place feelings aside, but I do feel like you just need constant emotional fulfillment from other people. You literally have never not been involved with someone. I’m not saying don’t go for eric. I am saying, take it slow. really get a feel for him and what he’s really about. you see him on average of twice a week, and it’s been less than a month. you haven’t seen his ugly side yet.
Her: Omg! I have to tell you something. When he first approached me in the bar, he was actually on a date. he was on a third date with a girl he had been seeing. he said he walked in, noticed me, and then he ditched her because he said I was what he wanted. I was like, this asshole… but he has been really working toward gaining my trust. i told him I didn’t like that and it made me feel uneasy about him. he said that he was on the fence with that other girl anyway, and that he just felt like he needed to introduce himself to me.
Me: WOW! He really did that? That’s a character flaw! Please be careful with this guy. He ditched someone on the third date. By the third date, he got to know this person and had a friendship of sorts and there was a level of trust. And he ditched her because he saw something he liked. That’s also a good sign he is extremely selfish. but you know him better than I.
Her: I honestly feel like he wouldn’t do that to me. He has been super honest about everything.
Me: If someone ditched someone else they’d been dating for three days just because they saw something they liked, what makes you think he wouldn’t just tell you what you wanted to hear just to obtain you? sometimes people only like the quest, and after they get what they want, they bail. Please be careful.
Her: I don’t think it’s like that. We’ve spent a lot of time together, and he hasn’t shown anything but affection and honesty. I think we make a good looking pair too.
Me: Good. I don’t want to have to hurt him. And what’s his last name?
she told me his last name. i googled him. She didn’t think it was creepy, but was actually interested in googling him herself. She saw his picture and said he doesn’t look like that now. that the pics were older. I said, well, I think you’re too hot for him, but he’s not bad looking.
Her: I figure that I can break up with him whenever. even if we become exclusive, and I am taking it slow and being guarded. im just seeing what happens. what have you been up to?
I just explain the changes I’ve made. My future goals and how I have made a point to work out every two days. Without saying it directly, I sent the message that I am more confident, and I am extremely driven and focused on achieving my goals. we went back and forth talking about what we’ve been up to, and we also touched on some things we realized we did wrong in the relationship.
Her: I love you like crazy. I LOVE LOVE LOVE you like crazy, but there’s no romantic feelings. I closed that chapter of my life.
Me: I have too. If we were to build anything in the future, it would be new. I don’t want an extension of that relationship. It’s been buried. I learned from my mistakes, and I have been blessed with tools to make any future relationship functional and happy.
Her: So, tell me about this girl you went on a date with. What’s her name? What does she look like?
I tell her, but I don’t try to make her jealous or anything.
Her: You do love dark eyes and dark hair. Do you really like her?
Me: She’s fun.
Her: Do you think you’ll be going on more dates with her?
Me: I could be, but I am not trying to revolve my life around any particular person. I am driven and focused on my goals. If this girl hits me up or if i am going out and she wants to go, then she will be there. but I am not revolving around any one person.
Her: See, that’s what my mom wants me to do. Date and see what’s out there.
Me: maybe you should. You’ve been with someone constantly.
Her: yeah.
I change the subject. I talk about the cute things or memories of our past when we were at the height of being in love.
Me: (Randomly) You’re so beautiful. I was just thinking about your eyes. They’re amazing. remember when I first got in the backseat of the car, and you turned around in the front seat and looked at me and smiled? your eyes made me melt.
Her: giggles Oh ****.
Me: You know my style. I’d do anything to make you smile. (This was a lyric to a 50 cent song that she sang to me shortly after we fell in love.) i laugh a bit
We talk about feelings and emotions for a min.
Me: i just want to know something. I’ve been thinking about it.
Her: Go ahead…
me: Why didn’t you ever ask me to marry you?
Her: (gets quiet for a second) i thought you’d say no.
Me: I wouldn’t have said no. You asking me wouldve shown me a lot.
She starts to sniffle into the phone. I asked if she had a cold. she said no and was silent. I asked if she was crying, and she said yes. i asked why and she said because it makes her sad. she said she remembers how it felt to want marriage and kids with me so bad, and it’s all she focused on for most of our relationship. but those feelings went away the last year of our relationship, for her. She was still crying, and I said, “It’s okay baby. don’t cry.” i held back my tears. I didn’t want to seem emotional too.
Me: You know. I was thinking the other day about how I used to be compared to how I am now. I have changed in good ways and bad, but I can see how I changed for the worst. When we met, I had confidence. I knew what and who I was, where i was going…and I took really great care of you. I stopped being grateful. I stopped taking care of my woman.
Her: giggles I stopped taking care of you too.
Me: You did just fine. I was the one that dropped off, but there were things in the relationship that made me feel frustrated to where I couldn’t see what I had anymore.
We both, again, agreed the cycle had to be broken. but she says this:
Her: Sometimes I think about finding someone else and being able to be really happy, or it being something I really don’t want and I’ll be okay, “Omg…my baby!”
Me: i won’t convince you to come back. I won’t hold up on life waiting, and from what you’ve said, you need to figure out where you and eric are going in this relationship.
Her: yeah. but I love you so much. You soothe my soul. I don’t know what to say. i don’t want to give you false hope and I am sorry for being emotional and asking you for advice. I don’t know if it’s hurting you and I don’t want to hurt you. I just love you and if we aren’t together in that way, I really want you as someone very important in my life. I just don’t feel that thing with you anymore, but I am going on a different path…and I don’t know if that path will lead back to you.
Me: I can’t promise you that. I have to take care of me. i’ll think about where to go from here, and I’ll let you know.
Her: So… tell me more about this girl you’re dating. have you guys kissed or had sex?
Me: Why do you keep bringing her up? And you know I am not about hookups.
Her: You ask me questions! And I don’t know how you are when you date.
Me: yes, but we both know why I have asked questions… but no. we have not kissed or had sex. We just hung out. Why are you so curious?
Her: idk…I just want to know. maybe to see if I’ll be bothered knowing you’re with someone.
Me: you act and say things, but then say it’s not like that for you. you’re asking me questions about a new girl to see if it will bother you. Doesn’t that say something?
Her: yeah, but I just…something is missing! It’s not on that romantic level. but I know that I do love you. you are my person.
Me: You want to know something?
Her: What?
Me: You sooth my soul too.
She gets quiet. and we start to fall asleep on the phone. she told me she loved talking on the phone with me and that she doesn’t want me to just disappear. I told her I will think about some things and let her know where I am at.
we both said i love you and she has contacted me today three times. I have responded. and I am confused. lol
i don’t know where to go from this. She read into everything as a possible sign that we aren’t supposed to be together. she is obviously conflicted about this Eric kid, and she even says that her feelings aren’t intense or anything like her first rebound. and that’s why she doesn’t feel like it’s a rebound with Eric. That she likes him and likes the way he fulfills her emotional needs. but she’s guarded and just taking it a day at a time. she did say she looks forward to their dates. she’s so open with me, I don’t think she’d hold back her feelings for this guy.
Today when she texted she again said that she enjoyed being on the phone with me all night, and it was a treat for her. I said I enjoyed it to. Then I messed up and texted: “Maybe we can do it again sometime ;)” I fucked up. She hasn’t texted me back, but I do know she’s at work. she wants me to send her a picture too.
I must say that NC didn’t stop her from developing this things with eric. I’m not sure NC is my best option, but I am not a pro or expert with these things. I don’t want to abandon her. Our bond is so strong, and she is honestly having a tough time too. idk. I’m just really confused.
lol I loved hearing that.