does anyone want to try and move on?

so my ex and i broke up two weeks ago (after being together on and off for 6 years). for the first couple of days i briefly spoke to him about logistical things. after a week of nc he started calling me in the middle of the night dozens of times. i assumed he was drunk so i blocked his number for a couple of days, but then unblocked him. a few days ago i finally answered his call and he said he wanted to get back together. he recognized that our relationship has been like a roller coaster and it is largely his fault. he tends to take me for granted and focus on my flaws until we break up and then suddenly he realizes what he’s missing. he said he’s not sure he wants to get back together right away as he thinks we should spend time working on ourselves.

i’m not sure what to do. what i know i want to do is break the on again off again cycle, i’m just not sure whether there is something i can do to help him be a better partner or whether i should walk away. ever since he said he wanted to get back together i’ve been focusing on the potential relationship instead of myself and i actually feel worse than i did before. i am still in love with my ex, and i’d love to make it work, but i don’t want to keep being treated poorly. has anyone out there found the strength to let the relationship go?

I’m sorry to hear you are going through that. I know it’s tough to have those conflicting emotions. And I understand you not wanting to stay stuck in that on again off again cycle, did that myself a bit.

I know there are many that have posted on the boards in the past who have let the relationship go. Some people during NC realize that their partner or the relationship was not healthy and decided it would be best to move on. I’m at that point myself. I still come here for support with NC, but I don’t want my ex back because I know he isn’t going to change or do the work (he even said so). I also recognized how unhealthy our relationship was and gained confidence and got my self worth back during NC, which makes it easy to walk away from the mistreatment.

Ultimately, I believe that your partner should want to do the work and commit to changing that aspect of himself if he wants you back. I don’t know if there is anything you can do to help or fix these issues of his, and that would be a huge responsibility to put on yourself.

I don’t want to sway you either way in your decision, it’s yours alone to make. My best advice would be to take some time to think about what you really want. If your ex is sincere about making it work and making changes and you get back with him, I think it will be important for you to set some clear boundaries about what you will and will not accept from him. He has to know that if he keeps doing this to you, you will walk away.

If my ex makes the changes, I definitely want him back. But I feel like if we’re not in contact or I’m not guiding him he won’t make changes at all (even though he says he wants to). It’s hard for me to just remove myself from the situation. The scenario that I’m terrified of is that we take some time off, I am under the impression he is working on himself, and then we try to get back together a few months down the line and it’s the same old bullshit. I don’t want to waste any more time. This fear has made no contact impossible over the past two days! I just feel myself spiraling into a funk and I have no idea what to do about it. I feel like I have no self control. Is that something that ever happened to you?

@ms n. u, i feel like I’m in a very similar situation to you. my ex and i have gone on two “breaks” before this legitimate breakup. one when we were about 19 that lasted about 4 months of being in an “open relationship” and again when we were 21 which lasted probably around 3 months but we never stopped talking/seeing each other. the first time i tried to restrict what he could do. we had limits on what we could do with others, how many times we could be with them, etc. and we spoke all day everyday still. it sounds so silly when i think back to it. ultimately i told him i couldn’t take it anymore and gave him an ultimatum so he came back to me. the second break, we didn’t speak for like a week but then started talking everyday and seeing each other a lot and it was just a matter of time before we made it “official” again. i initiated the conversation after 3 months but we were basically together anyway and knew we would be going forward so it didn’t even feel like much of a break. now, we’ve been in this breakup 4 months. I’m embarrassed to say that i tried the same manipulations this time. i asked to put a time frame around this “break”, i tried to see him, to be friendly. i sent him love letters reminding him of all our good times. whiles he’s always responsive and nice and respectful, he is dead set on staying with this. he told me if we get back together it must be because he’s POSITIVE I’m the girl who he wants going forward. he told me this week he thinks i might really be the one but he absolutely needs to prove this to himself by dating and getting to know other girls. he told me maybe it will mean casually dating for a few months and he will see its difficult to find what we had with someone else, or maybe he will date someone seriously - that he is definitely open to that. he doesnt want to put a time limit on this, wants us to stay in touch and be on good terms. he tells me he loves me but if he just dated me straight through for 10 years and married me he would always wonder what would’ve happened if we took time off. he says now if we end up together he will know that I’m who he wants forever and the relationship will be much stronger. and he says if one or both of us actually meet someone else who we want to date seriously then we’ll know this probably wasn’t meant to be.

sorry for the rant, but i know EXACTLY how you’re feeling! i feel like my whole body is in so much pain constantly. i never wanted to live without him and didn’t think i could. I’m slowly seeing that i can be ok without him, but I’m so much happier with him. i can only hope he comes to this conclusion after some time apart. from everything he’s said though i fear even if he does come back it will be years from now and that is unbearable. i think in my mind he has about a year tops to decide. its been 4 months already so we will see what happens over the next 8. i also fear that I’m wasting so much time planning, expecting, and hoping he’ll be back. but he’s never guaranteed me this. he’s told me he does see himself coming back and committing to me one day and he genuinely hopes this time apart will make him want to do that but that i shouldn’t wait around because theres no way to know for sure what will happen in the future or who we’ll meet, etc. I’m not so worried about my ex not working on himself during this time but we had a pretty overall healthy relationship. any drama we’ve had i think has come from the fact that we started dating at 15 and 16 and he’s always felt he needed to really experience and get to know other girls before he could settle down with anyone. i don’t want to waste time sitting around and pining for him if he will actually take years away from me or if he might even meet someone else who he would rather be with. the future is all so up in the air - he’s left the door wide open but there is no way to know what will happen when. i also fear if he comes back too soon he will leave again. so constantly i wonder what an appropriate amount of time is away. i think taking more than a year makes it very unlikely to reconcile, but is 6 months or so really enough time for him to get this all out of his system? theres really no sure answer for any of it and it drives me insane. I’m so guilty of breaking nc way too often. he always tries to answer honestly but i usually feel like i took multiple steps backwards every time i reach out. i also feel like I’m in a funk - like ill never be out of this dark hole unless he comes back to me and he might never and even if he does it will be years from now. i also fear he is really moving on and happy while i am home alone and miserable. i feel i have no self control often with reaching out. my best advice is not to be so hard on yourself. so what if i break nc a few times? overall after 7 years i don’t think it will change much. he knows how i feel and still will ply come back if he really wants to, regardless of what i say. I’m really trying to make it through 3 months nc so i can give him time and space to explore others and give us more of a clean break as i think maybe it will speed up the process, but i know i might be very tempted to break it.

sorry for the rant!! how old are you can i ask? and how long have you been in nc? any updates on your situation?

@ms.n.u

Tell him you’d like a future with him, but you want real change because the off and on again relationship isn’t working for you anymore. That you love him, but you are willing to walk away because this situation isnt healthy for either one of you amd you both deserve happiness.

The define the terms of your situation. Will you be false friends? Will you need NC?

After it’s all said and done, you will be in such a great state mentally and emotionally, you will be able to walk away if needed. Sometimes loving ppl from afar is for the best.

@atea1234 i think you and i are doing something similar and it’s extremely detrimental for both of us. we are focusing on our exes instead of on ourselves. we can’t control whether or not they will come back to us in the way we want them to or if they will even come back at all. focusing on when they’ll come back or why or with who they’ve been with in the interim will just drive us nuts. this is time we should be spending on ourselves! last week i found that i was focusing on myself (it was actually happening naturally) and i felt pretty good. this was even before my ex started reaching out! i felt more confident than i have in awhile. then, as soon as my ex reached out i just got sucked back into focusing on the relationship. i’ve been obsessing over when this break will end. all weekend i’ve been wondering if he’s slept with someone, and if so, if he’s spending the day with her doing activities he would have done with me. it sucks and i’m making myself feel so much worse! i just don’t know how to get a grip and stop this!

i think the fact that your ex left the door open is a blessing and a curse. it’s nice b/c it can be comforting when you feel lonely… but it could really prevent you from moving on. i would encourage you to move on sooner rather than later- but what i mean is move on with yourself, not necessarily get over your ex. you don’t need to make any decisions about your ex today or tomorrow, you have the freedom to take it day by day. if you focus on yourself and your feelings lessen for him over time, that’s ok. i’m sure if he were to come back you’d feel just as passionately again b/c love generally doesn’t just vanish. i don’t think moving on means the end of your relationship. it just might mean some peace of mind. obviously it’s much easier said than done… i’m just proposing being open to the idea of moving on.

the thing i’m really struggling with is not if i’ll have a chance again with my ex, but how to make this time productive enough so that when he comes back it sticks. i keep wondering how long we have to be apart for real change to happen for me or for him. i really have no idea though. i’m going to try and keep no contact going (and by going i mean starting b/c i already reached out today only to be ignored). i feel like i know how to get my ex back so i know that nc really does work, but it’s navigating the waters of how to get him back PERMANENTLY that’s stressing me out.

i’m 26 btw.

@LAbound Do you think I should actually say those things to him? While they should be true, I feel like I’ve lost a lot of self confidence and unfortunately am not in the place today where I could walk away. My goal is to reach a place where I truly do have boundaries and limits and needs that I won’t compromise (even for him) but I’m just not there yet. I’m worried if I were to say it before I felt ready I could end up just losing credibility.

I’ve seen a lot on here about focusing on new hobbies or exercise. And those might help make me feel better, but any suggestions for developing personal boundaries? Also, did you try being false friends at any point with your ex?

@ms n. u, everything you said is sooo true. i focus so much more on him than i do myself and some days i feel like its truly out of control. i tend to be a bit of a control freak and a planner and the fact that i have absolutely zero control over if and when he will want to come back makes me crazy. i took think every saturday night about who he is possibly sleeping with. is it someone consistent? does he take her for brunch the next day? are they starting a relationship? its a double edge sword. i think for my ex to come back and be committed in the way i want him to, he needs to have these other experiences with girls. besides me, his only experiences were a couple of one night stands while we were in college. i don’t even think he’s hooked up with any girl other than me more than once or twice. he will never commit to me unless he has those flings that last a few weeks or months and then die down or unless he spends significant time with another girl and realizes the relationship doesnt stack up to what we have. so as much as it sickens me to think about, if i want any hope of him to returning to me, i need to give him the freedom and space to explore. i have PROMISED myself if he comes back never to ask who or what he did while we were apart. I’ve made this mistake in the past and it haunts me to this day.
what you said about him leaving the door open as being a blessing and a curse is truly spot on. on one hand, if he had told me it was over for good i think i would absolutely be crushed right now. the only thing that gets me through a lot of days is the hope that he’ll be back one day. but its also such a bad thing because i do not allow myself to move on.i feel like i am passing the time just waiting for him to be ready, and the truth is, it could take years or might never happen. its not like i sit in bed all day - I’ve been exercising, spending time with friends, focusing on grad school, reading self help books, etc. but he is always in the back of my mind 24/7 and sometimes i even find myself fantasizing about us getting back together and it seems thats the only time i feel truly happy! i also believe exes usually only come back when the other person has moved on. my ex knows how i feel and i think its enabling him to take all this time and freedom without doubting for one second that ill be there when he’s ready. i think the only way to really try to move forward is through nc.i can only hope in time that i will get sick of waiting for him, meet someone else, or just naturally move on. i try my best but i feel like right now I’m almost in denial because i have too much hope - i also for some reason have hope and believe he will be back around april or may but this is SO random. i have no idea why i could possibly think that. i need to try to move on…so much easier said than done as you said but its really my only option now. even if my ex does come back, it wont be anytime soon.
its hard to say how much time apart is really appropriate before reconciling for enough change to be made. i read somewhere that most successful reconciliations happen 6 months-a year because people have had time to evaluate the breakup, make changes and improve, and still want to keep the relationship going. lass than 6 months usually isn’t enough time for real change and more than a year (although i know it happens), i personally just believe a lot of times too much time has gone by. personally, if i ever do actually get over my ex and he tries to come back after that time i think theres no way i could do it once I’ve gotten over the hurt i think the door will be forever closed. i have no idea how long this will take, but i think its unrealistic to think spending more than a year away would be productive for our future.
personally i think its very unfair of your ex to call you, tell you he wants you back, and then today ignore you. its sending so many mixed signals and its so confusing. i don’t doubt he loves you very much, but he is clearly not ready to reconcile. i would stay stick with the nc as best as you can - don’t beat yourself up if you slip up and text him, but it sounds like nc is ready for your situation because i don’t think it will be healthy for either of you to be “friends” and it doesnt seem either of you are ready to reconcile. i think the 6-7 month mark might be an appropriate time to start discussing the subject. how long have you been apart for now?

@atea1234 I read somewhere (it might have been on this website actually) that while time heals all, what you do with that time makes a huge difference in how long it takes to heal. i too feel like I’m just sitting around and waiting… and that feels crappy! we need to find the strength to make this time work to our advantage. i know the feeling of being pretty miserable all day and then getting caught up in a day dream about our future together and suddenly i catch myself smiling. it feels good for a minute, and then when i realize it’s not real i feel worse again. it’s kind of nice to come on this forum and know other people can relate.

i’m also very much of a control freak and a planner. when i can’t control my ex it makes me feel powerless and desperate to control him. it turns into a vicious cycle!it might sound crazy to want to control someone, but really what i mean is that i want him to see things from my view. for example, over thanksgiving my ex decided he didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore (i could immediately tell something terrible was up) but we wound up staying together through the holidays until early january. during that weird grey period i kept trying to reason with him… explain to him that what he was feeling was temporary. i tried to point out the fact that every time he feels slightly unfulfilled in the relationship he breaks up with me only for a few weeks or months later to realize he made a mistake. i begged him to see the pattern & fix it. low and behold history repeated itself! i feel like i saw this coming, tried to stop it but couldn’t. i keep telling myself if only he listened to me we would be fine! somewhere deep down i know that he has to identify these patterns on his own and want to fix it. but i’m having a hard time accepting that there’s nothing i can do about it. patience is a virtue that i absolutely lack.

i think I’m going to try no initiated contact. if he reaches out to me, i may or may not respond. maybe this is a mistake, but i think this is where i need to at least start. i also think 6 months is a reasonable time frame. as much as i want us to be able to get back together immediately and be fine, i think i have to face reality.

so i’m just going to keep venting on this thread, b/c so long as i’m typing this i’m not texting my ex!

last night, in a moment of weakness i called my ex. he didn’t pick up. a few hours later i texted him that it was important and to call me back so he did. we briefly spoke. he was out with his friends and drunk. after saying all week that he wanted to get back together, last night he was actually rude to me. he made a snide comment about something i did that pissed him off like 6 months ago but immediately apologized for it. clearly though, he’s still harboring some anger.

all week i said i thought we needed a break, even though he said he wanted to get back together. well last night i told him i wanted to get back together and that i missed him (this was after he was already rude, what is wrong with me?!). i was particularly vulnerable b/c one of my best friends is very sick and being worried about losing her is making me want to hold on closer to my other loved ones (including my ex). when i told him how i felt he said i wasn’t approaching this the right way and we could talk about it more when he wasn’t drunk. i said ok, but i asked him not to hook up with any other girls until we at least spoke and decided what our plans were. well this really pissed him off and he refused to promise not to hook up with someone. he said we’re broken up right now so he’s free to do whatever he wants. then we got off the phone. i texted him a couple of hours ago asking if he had any time to talk today and he never responded.

this is the most confusing roller coaster! i can’t stop replaying this conversation in my head. also, i’ve managed to convince myself that the reason he hasn’t texted me back is because he slept with some girl last night and is spending the day with her. i’m not even upset about that b/c i feel threatened… i’m just upset b/c i think that’s rude. even while he was being a jerk last night he was still saying he wants to get back together. clearly he thinks he can just have me whenever he wants and treat me however he wants. this feels awful! i know i have to change the precedent here but it is really hard.

so sorry for rambling! thanks to anyone who read through :slight_smile:

its crazy how similar our situations are! my ex and i broke up at the very end of september this year. starting in july, we were bickering more than normal and he expressed this desire and need to explore others before he could know if he was truly happiest with me. i think he started to push me away in the hopes i would end it so he didn’t have to hurt me. all through these months i also kept saying the same things. that he was feeling distant because we had been fighting and we should spend more time together, get back to being “us”. i also would tell him that we’ve taken breaks before and always gone back to each other because we truly are meant to be together. he told me eventually he didn’t know if he just went back to me because it was easy and comfortable or because he genuinely could never permanently walk away from me and that is something he needs to figure out now - by taking this real time apart.
i try to make the most with my time but honestly i don’t really know how. i hang with friends which is nice. i haven’t been as into partying lately as i used to (i don’t like meeting random guys in bars and it makes me wonder what he’s doing) and then i send the dreaded drunk texts…i do try to focus a lot on grad school and just on spending time with friends but i would be lying if i said that i didn’t spend a significant amount of time reading these forums, researching reconciliations, or envisioning how amazing it would feel to get him back.
i also am trying no initiated contact. my ex really never reaches out to me (because i haven’t gone more than 30 days without contacting him, he’s had no need). he’s only texted once or twice and thats only been in the last 6 weeks or so now that he knows I’m a little more emotionally stable than i was at the beginning. he always says he wants to keep in touch. he also throughout the breakup i must say has been very mature and honest and respectful. he doesnt drunk dial me, doesnt send mixed signals at all. but whenever i have reached out to him whether to be friendly, to catch up, to discuss our relationship, he has ALWAYS responded - something he doesnt owe me anymore. he tries to be as honest as possible and never makes me feel badly for reaching out - he tells me to let it all out, tell him how I’m feeling and do what i feel i need to to make myself feel better during this confusing time. it makes it hard to hate him!! i also wanted a quick reconciliation - i begged him about 2 months post breakup but he assured me it hasn’t been enough time and if we reconciled now then the pain we went through over the last two months would be for nothing. he’s right. i refuse to ever go through this again. this will be the LAST breakup in our cycle and we both know it. he will either come back because he’s sure he never wants to lose me again or he wont come back and we will both in time, move on. facing reality has been so difficult for me because i really expected him to have come back by now. but I’m realizing now that i just kind of need to wait out this hard time - eventually i will be over him or he will be back but i can’t force anything. if i want a reconciliation that will last i need to wait until he’s ready. i don’t want to initiate anything with him right now. my birthday is the end of april so I’m trying to wait until then when i know he will initiate and at that point i might ask him to meet up. we will see. i do see though that he really need significant time and in a way I’m happy he’s been so strong about keeping it because i would’ve taken him back months ago if he wouldve come and this would have to happen again. i need to trust now hell take the time he needs and need to try to be happy in the meantime

just read your latest post! i really think for your own benefit you really need to try your best for nc. i can’t blame you because I’m so guilty of doing exactly what you did last night but i stopped 3 weeks after the breakup. i never call him anymore as hearing his voice is too painful. i only text when i want to talk. and i try to only reach out if I’m happy and upbeat and see something that reminds me of him and remind him of my existence haha every time i reach out and ask him about the relationship he just tells me he’s not sure and needs time and I’m left feeling like i wish i hadn’t reached out. discussing the relationship right now is so counterproductive. don’t beat yourself up but just be patient with yourself and give it some time. you’re a couple months behind me. i wont tell you i feel “good” now, but it does get a little easier and more normal with time

@ms.n.u.

Yes, I tried false friends, but it was like she was getting the attachment and comfortable feeling with me while getting the exciting feelings of someone new. Essentially having the best of both worlds. The perfect relationship with two people. I couldn’t let that happen.

And yes, I think that even if you don’t believe you could really pull away at this point… you should definitely say it. On the phone, verbally, with confidence. You can muster the confidence to say that stuff. When it comes to personal boundaries, tell him that you don’t want him just showing up and that you want to maintain boundaries so that both of you feel respected. And just spend time defining those boundaries together. You don’t want to be too cold, but not to inviting either. In time, as you become stronger, you will be able to back the words up with confidence.

You asked if I had feelings of spiraling out of control or having no self control. I didn’t go through that. I’m stubborn and was determined to stick to NC. My ex had gotten pretty nasty with me at the end, so it made it easy to not talk to him, haha. I also had some projects and schooling that I was working on, so I think focusing on that helped me. I do know how you feel in a funk, went through that totally. Still do sometimes.

Don’t put too much thought into what he said while drunk, because…he was drunk. I wouldn’t worry too much about another girl right now either, he may just be angry and hung over and ignoring your text. I went through this with my ex when we broke up. I wouldn’t recommend trying to talk to him if he is hung over either.

As far as working on boundaries, I went to therapy for a while and that was something we talked about a lot. I have always had trouble with boundaries in my relationships and we worked on that quite a bit. Sometimes having someone trained and knowledgeable in that field can really help you see where you can improve and what you need to do. I agree with LAbound that you should tell him those things. I think he needs to know that you are serious.

thanks everyone for the great advise! i took @LAbound 's advice and when my ex called me tonight i told him that i loved him, and would want to share a future with him but the on and off nature of the relationship and the overwhelming roller coaster ride it creates is not sustainable and needs to change. he said he completely agrees and just doesn’t know quite how to do that. he proposed getting back together and i declined b/c i think i need to gain some self confidence and independence to truly be a better partner in the long run. there’s something about the dynamic of our relationship that doesn’t bring out the best in me and i need to change that in order to make it work. i also told my ex about the things i would be looking for him to change too. he said he agreed & asked how i wanted to proceed. this is where things got a little sticky. initially, i proposed no contact (for obvious reasons) but he did not like that idea. he said if i need space to figure some things out on my own that’s ok, but that he’d like to be able to talk a little bit and catch up once a week. i said i couldn’t have him in my life if he was going to continue to see other people. it distracts me from focusing on myself and makes me paranoid b/c whenever i’m not hearing from him i’m assuming he’s with someone else. he’s also been unfaithful in the past and i truly think he needs some time without female attention to develop some of his own self worth (he’s always gotten a lot of female attention and has really thrived on it). he said he would stop seeing other women so i agreed to trying that. do you guys think this is a mistake?

part of me is worried that by having him as a safety net i might not truly develop the independence i need. i’m also worried that by asking him not to see other women i’m controlling him in a way that he might resent down the line. in all honesty, if he wants to see other women, i can live with that… but i would need to be in a no contact scenario b/c otherwise i would get too curious. i tried to give him a choice & make him feel like he was the one deciding which course of action we took… hopefully, making him feel like it was his idea will help.

@Nell I’m actually in therapy now. I’ll bring up the boundary issue in my next session. great suggestion!

personally, i think this is a mistake, but thats just my opinion. he’s been unfaithful in the past. he has had interest in hooking up with other girls. i know how much this pains you and believe me, i feel physically like someone punched me in the stomach thinking about my ex with someone else, but you are controlling him still. you need to really set him free. let him experience and date other girls. he loves you. none of it will mean anything. in fact, it will probably make him appreciate you more. i truthfully believe he will present you down the line if you don’t give him all of this time now. nc is really difficult. i think you should tell him you think nc will be best for your healing now (which it will). i do think knowing you have him as a safety net and you can reconcile at any time and talk at any time will prevent you from making the progress you need to make. i truly believe in order to break the cycle you need a reset button. i think only by going nc and allowing him the freedom to get all of this seeing other girls out of his system will this be possible. i made this mistake with my ex about 15 months before the most recent breakup. we agreed not to get back together but not to see other people and just give it some time. we ended up talking so much and getting back together too quickly. i wish i would’ve just allowed him to experiment with other girls back then because it would’ve prevented all the pain and heart ache i have this time around.

i think you should both be free to see other people otherwise it is not a true breakup, which i think is necessary to break the cycle. it seems like the solution you chose is helping you short term (right now), but i fear it wont allow you to find happy, long term relationship with him for the future. worry about the future of your relationship, not the now. i know its so tough. i would tell him you need nc. HE broke up with you and HE cheated on you, so you owe him nothing. even if he wants to keep in contact, it will hinder your healing. what i would do is ask him to respect your space and tell him you will contact him in a few weeks when you’re ready. get through 30 days nc and you will already feel in a better place. after that, you can decide if you are ok occasionally reaching out to catch up. i wouldn’t put a once a week rule on it. i did 30 days with nc then reached out to catch up. then back to nc and he reached out 3 weeks later. then i reached out in another 2 weeks but now i have decided to stick to nc indefinitely as talking to him usually hinders my healing. plus, he is essentially getting his cake and eating it too and using me as an emotional crutch. i think the only way to break this on and off cycle is for a clean break and to see other people (as much as it hurts) to appreciate each other and miss each other more. just my opinion. I’m no expert but my ex and i have had agreements like this in the past and never found success. I’m hoping this time if we give it enough time and enough of a true break, we can really break the cycle to find happiness together or both move on if thats what’s meant to be

I think everything you said is valid. I think before I say anything to him I need to take a few days to compose my thoughts and then write him an email saying that i appreciate that he offered to stop seeing other people but what i really need is some time and space. i genuinely want this to work and if being in one another’s lives is going to hurt those chances then its not worth the risk.

@atea1234, i really appreciate your honesty. i think deep down i know that going down the same path is just going to be another disaster… i’m just secretly hoping that’s not the case. i need to do something different this time and i think nc is the way to go.

@ms.n.u, i cannot imagine how hard this must be on you. if my ex was not so strong-willed this time i definitely would be trying to come up with a solution similar to the one you posted about. i knew this last year when we broke up - he told me we were too young to settle down and he thought we needed to see other people. i simply could not let it go. he had a brief 2 week fling with a girl but that was that. we only didn’t speak for about a week tops. i think we were both scared to let each other go completely. but in retrospect, did his two week fling with the girl really show him what life would be like without me? did it really confirm his doubts about us being together so young? we did get back together and i wont lie and say this last time around was the best - pure happiness. it lasted 15 months. we were more committed to each other, more in love, and happier than ever. but of course his doubts resurfaced and i think i knew it was always a matter of time. in the back of my head i knew what you know now. this time he feels passionately about dating other girls and really experiencing life away from me. i truthfully think it is the only hope we have of a successful and lasting reconciliation is if he genuinely takes this time and realizes I’m the one for him. from what you’ve said about your ex, i think he needs this time too. if he’s cheated and broken up with you numerous times, he needs this time to be completely free. even though he might not want to admit it yet - let him go with love. tell him you’ll be there if he ever needs anything and you do hope to reconcile down the line but you recognize you have things you want to work on and you want him to take complete time and space to sort out on his own why he keeps cheating and leaving you and to finally once and for all get all of this out of his system

When we were younger my ex used to talk about needing to experience more and get shit out of his system… but he stopped saying that a year ago. lord knows over the past six years he has had ample opportunity to get stuff out of his system! i don’t think lack of experience is his problem, i think it’s something a bit more serious… something surrounding how much confidence he derives from other women’s attention, but also something about how he takes me/our relationship for granted. If he were to just go out and date other women right now I don’t see how that would solve our problems. i think he needs to work on himself. based on what his specific issues are, i’m having a hard time wrapping my head around how enabling him to see a bunch of girls will help. i guess i need to trust that he will work on the rest on his own… but it just makes me so nervous about how much of his self worth comes from attention from other women. it’s actually kind of weird. I’m scared he won’t see that continuing to fuel that could be counter productive. I’m a bit skeptical about NC in terms of how it will better him. But I do see the benefits of NC for myself. I really need some time on my own… I guess I just wish he would truly benefit from it too. Either way, I’m going to try…

do you fear that his desire to get confidence from other girls will continue to be a problem in the future? if he takes you and your relationship for granted then your only choice is really nc. don’t LET him take you for granted. force him to experience life without you and miss you. if he goes on like this for a period of time, maybe he will miss you. its funny, when my ex and i broke up he told me that he hadn’t been appreciating me in the way he should and he hoped maybe some time away from me would make him appreciate me more. i think your ex needs some time away as well - without the privilege of catching up with you once a week! its not really about “enabling” him to see other girls. but its also about not preventing him. he needs to go about dealing with his issues in his own way so i just think placing any boundaries or restrictions is a bit unhealthy and might lead to resentment. if you worry about how much of his self worth comes from other women, voice that to him! tell him your concerns. maybe he should go to a therapist about it. YOU can’t make any decision to better him - he must decide to better himself on his own and unless he makes that decision, the relationship wont work. nc will benefit you right now and that is really your only priority at the moment. i think some time and space for both of you will be a really healthy and productive thing :slight_smile: don’t lose hope but be patient and don’t look for a a quick or easy fix