Hey. I think that false friendship is okay. Because false friendship doesn’t mean being around each other constantly or talking constantly. He defined it as catching up at least once per week. You two have reached some sort of understanding and are communicating. To go NC would set you back in terms of being emotionally open. He mentioned getting back together and he said he understood when you declined and the reason why.
Even if he is talking to other girls, it shouldn’t stifle your progress… You two aren’t together and to set stipulations like that only creates an aura of insecurity. You should also date (but do not openly discuss it with your ex). It helps build confidence, it can be fun, and you are single! And there should be no double standards. If he is dating or plans to, you should be able to as well.
Trying to control what each other do during the break up is just a red flag in my opinion. If you two want to work on yourselves for a future relationship, then you need the room to grow and explore things outside of each other. If there are rules in a breakup, then how will it be in the relationship? Do you get what I’m trying to say?
Create space between the both of you, grow, maintain light contact (false friendship) and read relationship rewind. And get rid of the rules. Fight those insecurities. You’re not together. This doesn’t just free him up, it also liberates you! Even if you don’t want to date… you must become your own person. By telling him you can’t be in contact if he is talking to other women, you are making him responsible for your happiness outside of a relationship. It’s simply not fair for either one of you.
Define the boundaries (not rules). And begin healing and being the best you possible.
I should add that while continuing light contact (if that’s what you choose to do), you should not inquire about him dating or talking to other women. It is not about other people. It is about you. And he shouldn’t be prying into your life either. Because it is not about who you date. It is about him changing for the better, and you being a fully emotionally and mentally secure and independent woman. (aka you changing for the better).
When you feel that you two are ready to make the transition to reconcile, then there can be the conversation and rule that talking to other women in more than a friendly way etc will not be tolerated. And that you are more than willing to walk away. You can say it with confidence (not bitchy) and mean it. Because by that time, you should be more than willing to walk away if not given the proper respect.
I need to clarify my situation in comparison to yours. I couldn’t continue false friendship because my ex never mentioned getting back together and never agreed on mutual terms. Instead it was constant mixed signals and even acting like a girlfriend would…but then pull away. Maybe similar to yours, but your case is different because you two are coming to mutual agreements and he mentioned getting back together. My ex didn’t. And my ex, due to my allowance of it, thinks she can do whatever she wants and I’ll just easily forgive her because I did it for almost 9 yrs.
False friendship with your ex is a good idea. Unless you really think it will hinder your progress.
&atea1234 & @labound, it’s kind of crazy that i’ve never met either of you, yet am valuing your words of wisdom so much! i’m super torn btwn no contact/minimal contact and figuring out what to do, yet your advisee has helped me come up with a plan i feel good about.i’m going to tell you what i said so far, but would love both of your opinions on this plan, b/c i really value what you have to say.
this morning my ex started calling/texting me like things were normal (i.e. back together). i ignored his advances for contact b/c i was busy at work (nyc mega snow storm over here). finally, he called once i was off work and i picked up. he asked why i was ignoring him and i explained that i was very grateful for the fact that he offered to give up other women in exchange for staying in touch with him… but it felt like a short term fix to a long term problem. i told him i needed some time to work on myself to be a better person and partner and suggested we don’t talk for three weeks. i guess that was an arbitrary amount of time, but in the moment it seemed reasonable to me. i brought up the fact that he was a jerk to me while he was drunk this weekend and said that clearly we both have some anger and resentment we need to get over and that taking time to reflect on our feelings and grieve/forgive is imperatively important. he said that while he doesn’t want the time apart, if that’s what i think we both need he’ll respect it because he too wants the best for us in the long term. at that point he asked me if i still expected him not to see other people. i told him to do whatever he wanted b/c i didn’t want to control him during this time where we both had freedom. that being said, i told him that i’m a bit concerned about how much stake he puts on affection from other women and would hope he’d consider that when he decides what he wants to do.
do you guys think i was too controlling? do you think i was reasonable? while this felt right for me, i’m very open to the opinions of those who have had similar experiences. hope you are well today!
@ms. n.u, i do think you handled the situation well! i think 3 weeks is a good amount of time to start off with because it doesnt seem too daunting and will allow you to touch base but will also give both of you to spend some time apart and really think about things and create some distance. i think checking in at that point is a great idea and you will see if you feel comfortable talking more and how you want to proceed going forward. and i don’t think you were too controlling. i actually think you are very reasonable. just because he is “free” to date other girls doesnt mean he should use this time as an excuse to go out and get drunk and hookup with as many girls as possible while he’s “allowed”. I’m glad you told him to do what he wanted and that you didn’t want to control him. maybe he will even wonder what you’re doing too. i think it was very fair of you to bring up concerns about how much concern he has regarding affection from other women. this is an issue he needs to confront for you to work things out in the future. i think by raising that point, you will at least cause him to consider this issue he has. i think overall your plan so far sounds like a good one!
btw im in nyc too crazy snowstorm going on here!! i will be in my apartment for days responding to these posts!
You made your intentions clear. The way you communicated was great. Three weeks will give you both space to think clearly, and you did the right thing by saying he can do whatever he wants becomes of the freedom factor & you didn’t want to control him. And it was fine that you planted the seed for him to consider maybe not leaning on affection from other women…
You aren’t chasing, and I think you might have the majority of power right now. He is agreeing and respecting your wishes. Now it’s all a matter of you working on yourself, and then coming together with your ex and taking the next steps. hopefully your ex will improve as well. Things are looking great for you.
thank you for the positive support. i appreciate all the details you guys provided.
this might sound weird, but even knowing this is a short term nc that my ex doesn’t want… i’m still kind of struggling. there is a snow storm right now and i am super bored! i’ve found that when i’m stuck in my apartment i get particularly lonely and insecure. i know i have movies to watch, books to read, and this forum to post on… but it’s still tough.
i’m trying to stay strong. but, in some ways it’s hard knowing that if i called he would pick up and be nice. it puts a lot of pressure on me to execute the nc b/c he doesn’t want it. i keep trying to remind myself this is best but being lonely is just… arghh… for a lack of a better word.
does anyone else find that its hard to do nc when you have less to do?
nc is always very difficult for me, but I’ve been doing it on and off for 4 months now so it really has gotten easier. I’m stuck stranded in my apartment in the snowstorm as well and i wish i could call him and chat or we could be snowed in together, but i no longer have the temptation to actually pick up the phone and initiate. i know nothing productive would come from it and I’ve also just kind of gotten used to it. when I’m really tempted, i call a friend instead. one thing my therapist and i have been working through is being able to be “alone” and not “lonely”. i think this is something I’ve struggled with both in and out of my relationship. i relied on my ex a lot for attention and support. i also always was used to having people around going straight from living home with my parents, to living away with all my friends in college for 4 years. my ex and i broke up in september which is right when i moved into nyc and i felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness all the time. i realize now this is something i really need to overcome before possibly reconciling with my ex. i need to learn to be ok on my own. and surprisingly i think I’ve made a lot of progress. i go to museums on my own now, shop on my own, even stop in cafes for lunch or coffee alone. these are all things i ever would have done 4 months ago! i also know if i called or texted my ex he would probably pick up and be nice but it wouldn’t change any of our problems. you need to look at nc as one day at a time. i also try not to put too much pressure on myself if i do slip up and text him. in the grand scheme of things, i don’t think it changes much. but i think going forward its best for my own healing and development. i wont beat myself up if i slip up here and there because he always answers, but for right now I’m trying to stay strong. it does take some pressure off to remind myself I’m only human and all things happen for a reason. try to be strong here. it doesnt seem like it will but it will get easier in time and every time you break nc its like starting the clock all over again. trust me, it might make you feel better in the moment but you will regret it eventually. i find posting to these forums actually makes me feel less tempted to text him than when i try to distract myself by doing something else. sometimes talking ABOUT him is enough to get out of my system the need to text him if that makes any sense
@atea1234, i can relate to so many things that you say! accepting the difference between feeling “lonely” and “alone” is something i struggle with on a daily basis. i’ve never thought of it in those terms, but there is a difference. it’s so funny you say that you go to cafes and museums on your own. one of the goals i set for myself was to go for coffee/a meal on my own. i’ve only done it once in my life. i mentioned that to my best friend and she laughed at me and said she does it all the time. she has a lot more confidence than i do. for me its hard. it just feels like a reminder that i don’t have my ex. i also think you’re right about not beating myself up about reaching out to him once or twice. typically, i’m so type-a when i make a mistake i beat myself up over it… and i’m doing that now, but i have to be realistic. allowing myself to make mistakes is so hard for me and i guess it’s part of the learning experience i have to go through while i’m on my own.
i think i’m going to spend this storm watching movies, reading the message boards and trying to feel ok. thanks for all of your advice. how are you today?
its honestly all a learning process for me. I’m 4 months post breakups and I’ve hit many bumps along the way. i know what you mean about doing things and being reminded you no longer have your ex. i feel that way a lot. but i think its a life lesson thats so important. who knows, maybe i could marry my ex or someone else down the line and end up divorced? its really important i know how to handle being on my own. also 3 weeks is a very achievable goal. i know it doesnt seem that way, but you can absolutely do it. it took me a while to get there. first i was able to go 10 days, then 12, etc. then I’ve had some sports of reaching out every 2-3 days but i eventually made it to 30.
I’m actually feeling a bit hopeless the past few days. my ex has continuously told me this breakup was necessary for him to confirm that I’m genuinely the girl he wants to commit to. it means him dating other girls (both seriously and casually) and spending significant time away from me. theres really not much i can do. we had a great relationship - great chemistry, families loved each other, always had fun together, very natural, few arguments. he told me he knows he loves me so much and our connection is special but if he doesnt take this time now he’ll always resent me and wonder his whole life what else might have been out there. he’s told me repeatedly he hopes this time off will bring him back to me and confirm his feelings to strengthen our relationship, but he can’t say for sure what will happen and i shouldn’t wait around. i just feel hopeless because theres seriously nothing i can do besides wait it out. its been 4 months and i don’t think he plans on coming back anytime soon. from what he’s said it makes me feel like he’ll need years away but really i have no idea. i don’t want to pressure him and bring up the relationship but i constantly wonder what he’s thinking, who he’s sleeping with, etc. it drives me insane. i promised myself to go 90 days nc. even if i slip up i will not mention the relationship at all. i set myself a goal to ask him to meet up in the beginning of may/end of april to discuss how he’s feeling. do you think thats an appropriate timeframe? it will have been 7 months post breakup. i want to give him time to explore but i also can’t wait years fro him to be back and i think after so much time, a reconciliation is unrealistic. but is 7 months really enough time for him to have had these other experiences? maybe not? i have no idea. any opinion on this?
crazy snowstorm going on here!! i will be in my apartment for days responding to these posts!