Damn I really messed up

Breakup Help reconciliation
1

Hey all, I’ve started reading the blog and this board yesterday and its been a help. Let me summarize my situation

  • We started dating 2.5 yrs ago - I’m 3 yrs younger. March 2012
  • 6 months in I broke up with her to deal with my some depression I was enduring. We didnt speak for 2 weeks - August 2012
  • We get back together… NO problems , smooth sailing. Sept 2012
  • Months later she tells me she has health problems and may not be able to conceive children down the line and she’s ready for us to build a family. We start speaking of marriage, I instantly start saving for a ring. July 2013
  • My mom begins having financial problems, I help. Mom asks me not to tell GF. Savings emptied, no more ring. Sept 2013
  • GF becomes frustrated because of lack of ring, no relationship movement, lack of communication. Especially since " I know her situation" Dec 2013
  • I start having major health problems. Feb 2014
  • Mom’s financial situation turns for the worse, I begin to temp support her - April 2014
  • MY moms situation and my health push me into depression, my ex notices - April 2014
  • I finally tell her about my mom, she feels betrayed “I lied and kept secrets” - May 2014
  • My Doctor tells me my health is deteriorating and I need to get it in check. I dont tell my ex - May 2014
  • My depression reaches all time high, it begins to cause my ex pain - May 2014
  • I cant stand to see her in pain… I decide to (what i thought was a good idea) break up with her instead of letting her help me. Deal with my problems alone - June 2014
  • We dont talk… I live a hermit depressed life (health, mom’s situation and me missing my ex brings me down), she becomes outgoing and parties it up. I see on her FB. June - Sept 2014
  • Mom’s situation finally ends, my health gets better… Still depressed - Late, Sept 2014
  • I decide to email ex - Oct 2014
  • I eventually beg her to talk via gchat, so we talk, twice. Heated discussions, her being cold and me practically begging to see her and try again. In the end she tells me I kept secrets from her, I wasted her time, she regrets getting back with me in August 2012, I messed up her chances of having a family and I have to live with my decisions and to leave her alone. She blocks me on gchat but not any other social media - Oct 2014 aka yesterday
  • This morning I found this site

I broke up with her in June because I loved her so much that I didnt want to see her burdened with my problems. During the 4 months of not speaking, I stayed home, pushed away my friends, didnt go outside except to go to work and gym and was in poor mental health. According to her fb, she was out and about almost a week later. After reading this site, I realized, me emailing her was the beginning of me going into panic mode. All my other problems were subsiding, so I believed getting back with her would help me be whole again.

Obviously, I was wrong.

After sitting on my couch yesterday for about 5 hrs just staring at the ceiling, I came to the conclusion I need to get out this funk and be happy on my own merit. I’ve decided to just work on me for at least the next 30 days (do something that makes me happy everyday, reconnect with friends, go on some trips, become a mentor again, gym and do the things I enjoy doing but stopped doing). I’m going to brunch with a friend who’s been reaching out for the longest today and then a chill session with college buddies who just happened to be in town this weekend. If I didn’t find this site, I probably would be on my couch all day and not talk to anyone.

I miss her and she’s the only one I’ve considered marrying and having a child with. Before her I was a commitment phobe, but now my light switch is on and I want to build a future with her and NOT waste her time. I don’t know what do except for starting NC. Today, will be day 1 and I’m scared and a lil nervous. Even tho I’ve dated many women, she’s my first true love. This sucks.

I’ll be updating this post as NC continues.

Any advice?

2

@ndubc if you really love her and you know what went wrong I would do NC for 30 days, and please use these days to work on yourself and do something positive about yourself.Posting something’s on face which are positive will be good don’t post anything from stripers club please lol.Its not easy just tell yourself" I’m doing this for myself and for the girl i love" .wish you good luck.

3

You pretty much identified the problem. Rest is on you to get to work. Don’t worry about what she may or may not do. Just focus on yourself. Being proactive will help your physical and mental health so always find something that changes you little by little into the fun, attractive person that you once were.

I wish you best of luck!

4

Yeah. Just thinking of not contacting her makes me queasy.

She just posted on her fb a super hot photo in her Halloween costume, titled “no worries, no stress, happy Halloween” :confused:

I unsubscribed from her posts, didn’t unfriend tho. Looking fwd to brunch in a few… I need some human interaction.

5

Yes, go out and be happy. You gotta be happy first before you can be with anyone.

I liked reading your story because I feel like my ex broke up with me for similar reasons. He told me he cared too much for me and he needed to deal with his own shit on his own without dragging me down to it. I didn’t believe him, but after reading your story, I think there’s some merit to his story.

Anyway, did your mom’s situation improve? What about your health? It’s really commendable that you used your money to support your mom when she needed you. Next time, be honest with your partner. They want to be there for you and won’t feel burdened. They will feel like you value them when you share your problems. The right woman would support you and not feel burdened.

But, before you think about getting her back, fix yourself.

6

@TravelBug

My mom is no longer draining me financially and my health has improved. My mom had always held me down so I had to do the same.

Just came from brunch, cruising through day one.

7

Yeahhhhhh!

8

Hi ndubc, first things first, kudos to you for getting off that couch and for reaching out to old friends again. It sounds like you’ve been through a really tough couple of years, and you have every right to feel depressed and anxious. Anyone would in your situation. I hope the financial problems (your mothers and yours) are under control, and even more importantly, I’m glad your health is better. Take care of your physical and mental health FIRST, and your finances too. The ex problem can take a back seat for the moment.

Now, for the ex: It really helped me to read your story, because, in many ways, I think I’m on the “other side” of your story, in that, I think my ex left me because he felt under a lot of work/family//financial/health stresses too. It might just be that he simply didn’t love me enough to stay with me through all that, but, whatever the reason for his leaving me, it’s clear that you left your ex because of all your stress. You simply felt overwhelmed by your life, and you did what you thought was best for her. I think it would be best for you to keep a strict NC - 30 days at the least, maybe 60 days - and then perhaps send her an email, or even better, a hand written letter, explaining everything that you’ve explained here. But NOT MENTIONING anything about getting back, not even a hint of that - read and follow Kevin’s instructions as well as you can - just write to her a heartfelt letter explaining why you let her go. And apologize for keeping things from her. Don’t make it too long. Maybe two handwritten pages max. Send it to her, don’t mention anything about meeting or getting back or anything like that. And see if she responds. At least, that’s what I’d suggest you do.

But I’m not sure I’m in any position to be giving anyone any advice, because I followed Kevin’s instructions to the T, keeping NC with my ex for 53 days, working on myself, working hard to feel genuinely happy and content in my life, and then I wrote to him, and no response, and - there we go - back into the most soul-sucking sadness.

But, good luck to you, and keep looking after yourself, and remember, you’re not alone. We’re all cheering for you!

9

@SM

Thanks for the well wishes. I plan on doing a strict NC. I need it.

Don’t let his lack of response get you down! I believe I read your story, didn’t you move out the country ? That’s amazing! Keep working on you and I’ll do the same.

10

These positive messages are making me so happy! Even though I don’t know you guys in person, but it feels so good to share our stories. It’s been one thing I did everyday since the breakup and I’ve changed so much!

Anyway, @SM, even if you heard from your ex, it my not have changed the outcome. Are you looking for closure? Him not replying means that he still has unresolved feelings. Just let him be for now.

Also I suggest yoga and meditation for you.

11

Just finished day 2 of NC.

Day 1 was smooth. I went to brunch with an old friend and then that night to a chill lounge with old college buddies.

Day 2 not so much. Went to church in the AM and I felt the word was relevant to my situation. After I got a good work out in at the gym.

Tonight my family invited me out to dinner… About 10 of us at the table. We were having a good time. And then my cousin brought up my ex gf.

I started shaking and I had a anxiety attack. I didn’t make it noticeable to anyone but I just excused myself about 15 min later and came home.

Hoping this gets better over time.

12

It will get better over time. Even though it seems impossible. Write in a journal about your feelings, write that you’ll be ok until you start to believe it. I also watched addictive tv shows that kept my mind busy. Try to do things that make you happy. Discover yourself.

13

@travelbug

I’m going to do the journal thing. I haven’t had a journal since I was a child but At this point I’m open to try anything.

14

Nnubc, keep going, I know it;s hard, but we’re all here rooting for you. You will get through the pain. Just take it one day at a time. It’s great that you’re going to the gym, meeting family, going to church, thinking of writing in a journal; all these mean that you are actively working on yourself, learning to become yourself again, finding happiness in yourself. Whatever works for you, whatever makes you happy, whatever distracts you from thoughts of your ex, do it. Slowly you will make new friends - maybe at the gym, maybe at church, maybe through family - and slowly, but surely, you will feel better and better. Keep up the NC. At least for 30 days. Keep going! you can do it!

15

@SM thanks.

I started reading this book this morning called the Alchemist… I’m about 1/3 through. Its pretty good so far and is helping me with my situation. It was suggested to me by a friend years ago when she was going through a rough patch in life but I just decided to download it this morning and check it out. Check it out , it may help you in some way. Its a short read.

I came into work this morning and signed into gchat… Gchat saves ALL past convos you’ve had through it over the past year. I read the last convo I had with her, the one that pushed me to this website. I was down but then I started reading the post here again and it brought me back.

One day at a time.

16

Just checking in. Day 5 of NC. I’ve just about finished reading the Alchemist and its been pretty motivational. I feel good.

I’ve also decided to become a mentor again… I had been one for years but around the time my problems reached an all time high, my mentee graduated from HS and I declined to rejoin the program once he left. I’ve rejoined and will be matched with someone soon. I’m excited.

Working on my happiness.

17

Today starts day 17 of NC and this weekend has been the most trying. Right now I’m on holiday in the Caribbean with friends and a few pretty ladies. Been here since Friday … However most of the time I zone out and think of my ex.

This is the first time I’ve gone on holiday in the last 2 years without her. I picture her on the sand, by the pool and even across from me at dinner.

While here I’ve reading this book called The Zahir and I feel like I can relate to the character. It’s been helping me get back to myself and have fun when I can’t get her off my mind.

Time heals all wounds I guess.

18

Whenever I’m in amazing places, I take a second to be thankful to be able to be there and how lucky I am. Start thinking about how amazing your life is and be thankful for it.

Your life is still amazing without her. Find signs of happiness and you will see it.

19

@travelbug thanks, I am thankful… it def had its ups.

Last night was another rough night. A year ago, my ex and I visited this same island and while waiting to for our flights at the airport, we browsed the shops in the mezzanine. We stopped in this jewelry store and she showed me the “perfect” ring for her. When we finally got home, I went to the jewelry store I had her engagement ring on lay-a-away at and exchanged it for a ring similar to the one we saw on holiday.

Maybe I did it to myself but last night I stopped in the store to see if the ring was still there… and it was. Lets just say after, I got no rest on the flight home.

One day at a time, Day 18

20

ndubc I’m sorry to hear that it was so difficult for you. But I’m glad you went on the trip anyway, and with time you’ll maybe come to see it as a special trip in it’s own right, one in which you wrestled with your heartbreak and didn’t allow it to completely get in the way of your having fun. You’re winning, because you had the courage to go on the trip, without your ex, knowing full well that it would dredge up old memories. This means that you’re a strong person, and you will keep getting stronger by the day. I’m rooting for you. You’ll get through the next 15 days!