Contacted Exgf

Breakup Help reconciliation
101

So went on a date last night, dinner, ice skating, a movie, and then an impromptu bowling game. Overall the physical signs were great. We held hands, she was touching my arm during the movie and during bowling. However after bowling, and it was very late at this point, we started talking about how her friends don’t like me because they didnt like how I treated her. This is because of our fights they knew about and a bad facebook post i made the day of the breakup. She said she waa also partly to blame because of her behavior, but that’s it hard to give herself to me.

So we were walking and talking and the moment seemed right so I reached over to pull her close for a kiss and she pulled away, and said “we are just friends”. I was like… okay after all the signs tonight. But okay I’m fine its too soon I get it and I drove her home.

She called me on the drive home and said she wanted to hangout Sunday and Wednesday (my birthday) and that we should go to a football game next weekend.

Then earlier this morning she sent me a good morning text with a smile face blowing a heart kiss, and she apologized for pulling away last night.

She was then going to come over tonight before going out with her friends but she called a little while ago to cancel because “her friends are all over at her friends apartment early”. I am little concerned because she confessed last night that her friends place is close to her rebound and she might be tempted to hookup with him if she’s drunk. I was like really? Thanks for telling me. Maybe its a test?

But i guess we have plans to hangout tomorrow. So that’s good?

So Friday night was good but today I’m getting mixed signals and having doubts. Trying to remember I went through NC and need to be strong.

102

You are making amazing progress, it’s great she even apologized for pulling away. Don’t worry about the rebound. You have plans this week! Just have patience.

103

your doing so well, Im so happy for you. :slight_smile: your almost there keep going. :slight_smile: also dont worry about rebound guy hes got nothing on you. :slight_smile: you got this. keep us posted. :slight_smile: good luck

104

so we hung out pretty much all day sunday and it was very good we had lunch went for a hike made dinner had wine. she decided to spend the night, but we only fell asleep together.

throughout the day and the night she kept saying don’t touch her like if I try to touch your arm or hand and I thought she was playing around because she would touch me or no slap my back or rub my arm. so I thought she was just playing hard to get but then this morning she told me she thought I was trying to pressure her into being in a relationship. so at 6 a.m. This morning we had a very serious conversation about the future so right now I really don’t know what to do I basically told her I was sorry for the past.

now she’s telling me she’s going to do her own thing if I don’t like it then too bad

What to do? she’s coming back after work to get her car

105

So she says she doesnt want a relationship right now… but shes hanging out with you and doing couple activities with you, not to mention hanging out with you for hours upon hours…

here’s my question… What does she want out of this? Does she really think that she can keep stringing you along like this?

its like she is able to do anything she wants to you but when you try to recipicate the feelings… she freaks out. To me this means that she wants the comfort of being with you without the commitment of being together with you. She wants to have her cake and eat it too.

I think at the end of the day, she is still unsure if she wants to be with you. Who cares what her friends think… if she wanted to be with you, she would…

It appears she is in control of the result of if you are going to be together or not and is calling all the shots. From an outside perspective, I think you need to control. When she comes to get her car, let her. Be very friendly about it, any feelings of negatively or frustrated from you will only push her away.

This reminds everything of what was happening with me and my ex. I think you might end up getting tired of accepting “scraps” from her and push her to decide if she really wants to be with you. This is what i did and it ended with her telling me that she lost the spark and chemistry between us and didnt feel the same way.

I think you have two choices:

  1. tell her that you want a relationship with her and what youre doing now isnt working for you. its only hurting you more because its not what you ultimately want.
  2. play the game… create distance and uncertainty in her mind of whats going on with you. take the power back and get the ball back in your court.

But whatever the choice you make. You need to take a stand. Right now she’s doing whatever she wants, leaving you with just reacting to her actions.

Let us in the loop on what you’re thinking. We want you to be in a good relationship with someone who loves you and WANTS to be with you. This may or may not be your ex.

106

Nevergiveup- I think you nailed it. This morning I was reacting to everything she was telling me. I felt like I was going back in time to around the break up. The thing is I have to pick her up from the train to drive to my house to get her car. She was planning on staying a little because of traffic, but who knows now.

Yes she has been acting like a couple and saying “just friends!” whenever she can. I’ve called her out on it, but she just smirks. I think she is torn and confused, but ultimately stringing me along.

I am going to call her in a few minutes, we agreed to talk rather than text. I want to tell her- just tell me what you want. If it’s not me then okay give call me when you change your mind. Just something short and to the point. Whenever I try to pull away she doesn’t let me. I asked her this morning if I wasn’t in her future, because she outright said she can’t see herself with “the old” me, and her response was “I’m just concerned about my friends and my relationship would affect them”.

Also here is a more detailed account of the weekend…the prior one I did via voice typing and it wasn’t very detailed:

So we hung out pretty much all day Sunday and it was very good- we had lunch, went for a hike, made dinner and had wine. she also decided to spend the night, but we only fell asleep together.

Throughout the day yesterday, and last night she kept saying don’t touch her… like if I tried to touch her arm or hand. I thought she was playing around because she would touch me or slap my back or rub my arm, but I couldn’t do the same back. However when in bed she said don’t touch her (I draped my arm over her nothing crazy) I started to feel like I was being used so I got out of bed and told her I would sleep on the couch. She said “no no no please stay don’t be mad”.
I said “I’m not mad, but I feel like you’re using me to get over Jon”
She said “if I was using you I would have hooked up with you by now”
I said “no for emotional support” , but after she begged I relented and went back to bed with her.

Later in the night and early this morning she was hugging me, but I think it was out of pity or she thought I was mad at her.

Then this morning she told me she thought I was trying to pressure her into being in a relationship and at 6 a.m. this morning we had a very serious conversation about the future. She basically brought up all the bad things about our past relationship and how it was hard for her to jump into something with me. She says she feels bad because she was with Jon last week and jumping to someone else so fast makes her feel like a wh*re. She started to cry right before I dropped her off for work. So right now I really don’t know what to do I basically told her I was sorry for the past, what else could I say, and that I learned from my mistakes.

Now she’s telling me she’s going to do her own thing if I don’t like it then too bad, she needs to respect herself right now, and that she is emotionally exhausted.

What do I do or say? She’s coming back after work to get her car. Do I just say okay and tell her to call me when she changes her mind?

107

I agree with @NeverGiveUp

You need to remind yourself why you did all this NC. For yourself, right? So why is she still trying to control you? or why are you letting her? This is essentially power game man. You endured a lot in this process but don’t hand her everything now. You already said you’d only hang out with her if there is a possibility of you two being together again, and she gave no response? and still hard to get? Just pull away immediately. Don’t play to her hand. Remember, you are not happy at the moment with this situation and uncertainty caused by your ex. If she is not ready mentally, let her be. You don’t have to be part of that. You shouldn’t be. Because in the end you will be the one who gets hurt.

You know, she already did her thing with that guy. What’s she gonna do now? Play the field again? That would be pointless. She is looking for that same thing you two shared, and she couldn’t find it with her rebound but now you are giving it to her again, and she seems content with that without the shadow of relationship looming in background. But that’s not what you want, right? False friendship is one thing, and friends with benefits another. Clearly the latter isn’t what you want. You want something more. But she is pushing you to second one until she feels secure enough and play the field again, thus having ALL the control.

I’d suggest being available to her less and less. And let her wonder why you are not passionate about this ‘friendship’ thing. She needs to realize she cannot have you like that. Either she needs to admit her feelings and give you two a second chance, or be on her way.

You are the most important person here. So value yourself.

108

Hmm… say you respect her decision. And she is right with her situation at the moment. Say her all the right things. Don’t bring up the relationship thing again. They don’t like it.

But, in background you need to be less available to her. No couple activities for now.

109

I agree with ghost. You are being used for emotional support. If you keep sticking around, eventually she won’t need you anymore or get bored and leave.

You need to tell her that you tried and gave the relationship and her enough time, but no more. Tell her you want to date other women and make her believe that. It might make her jealous and make her realize what she has. And really scale back on how much you communicate with her and see her.

110

Ghost wish I had read your last post before talking with her. We just spoke and I let her explain her last comments and then told her I would give her space and not bother her because she wasn’t ready and I wanted more.

She took this the wrong way and that I was forcing an ultimatum on her. Got upset said its over for good. She’s done playing games and I’m not respecting what she is asking for. F-me.

111

So the best thing is NC until I see her later today right?

112

Yes, NC.

113

hey travel. in a way this whole thing goes to show how emotionally immature she still is. I didn’t give an ultimatum. I said backing off would be best for her because she is feeling pressured and we want different things right now. She then resorted to saying I was causing flashbacks of our breakup and she was getting anxiety (her favorite line). She then said she thought I was calling to take a different approach and work on us (nice way to guilt me right?), and that it’s too late it’s over.

114

It’s ok. Shit happens. No need to get upset now.

Yes, do not contact her again. And when you see her, don’t be upset or look sad. Look happy and content with situation. Send her good vibes. You need to be happy with or without her. That’s the whole point.

If she traps you into talking over relationship thing again, say you respect her decision. Don’t add anything else. No let’s be friends or whatever. That would make you look desperate and look like you are chasing her all over again.

She will reach out to you again, don’t worry about that. She will bring up the friendship herself and say she just wants to be friends. Then, you can agree with her. For now, just agree with her and pull away.

115

she already reached out. via text. saying I can’t give you 100% because I don’t even know myself.

116

Answer her:

I respect that. It’s probably best for you.

117

You know this whole “I’ll be independent and do my thing” is actually game within a game. A test so to speak. And only way to play that game is to respect yourself. If she wants to be independent, then what’s stopping you from doing the same? She shouldn’t take you for granted. She actually needs to do more than you do because she was the one who broke up and basically is the reason for all these mind games.

That is when she will respect you. And you will look attractive to her. That is why you need to be less available, and while she is doing ‘her thing’, then you will do your thing. Except more independent than her.

Remember the text exchange you had with her when you were in Italy? That was attractive as hell. You looked independent. That is why she came back.

You actually already know what to do. Just being sentimental right now. But don’t be. Keep your cool.

118

haha I sent her a screenshot from Dumb and Dumber (one of our fav movies) that is where Lloyd is asking Mary if he has a chance with her and she says 1 out of a million and he says:

Lloyd Christmas: So you’re telling me there’s a chance… YEAH!

She laughed, said OMG silly lol!

Hopefully that turned things around to be more positive.

119

Lol.

Yeah good thinking. She is not gonna magically come back now but at least that friendship thing should be on the table.

120

She is totally throwing everything on you… making you seem like the bad guy for wanting something more. Dont believe this. Dont let her think that she can treat you like a second-hand choice because you made mistakes in the past. That doesnt give her the ability to make all the decisions.

When you tell her… " I understand" “ill give you space” “call me when youre ready”… these are all (re)actions to what she’s telling you. When you answer this like… it empowers her. It makes her think that she’s justified in everything that she’s doing to you. She is 100% using you for emotional support, and will eventually leave you worse off then you are right now if you continue to play into her games. It’s already happening right now… Remember to take strong actions that subconsciously say “you can do whatever you want, i know what i want in my life and im going to get it…and it doesnt matter if its with you or not”
When you turn the tables from being reactive to active it gives you self worth. No one wants to be with someone that is a pushover… and i know thats not the guy that she fell in love with. People want to be with someone that knows what they want and goes after it. She admitted that shes getting flashbacks of the break up… When you take a firm stance and pull away (you’ll do this because you know that whats happening right now isnt ok with you and not what you want) she will respect that and may come back to the conclusion of " oh wait… he was the best guy for me"“what am i doing!?, if i dont get act now then ill lose him to another girl” — which is exactly what you want her to be thinking.

I think its good that you turned it into a joke with the dumb and dumber quote. But now that you did that… its time to take a stand. let her do her own thing, you’re going to act like she is just a friend. But dont be there for her… remember that she’s using you and WILL eventually leave when she’s done with you. Don’t give her that ability. This is about you… be strong and remember that you’re not a toy that can be played with and thrown away when she’s bored.