@Aphrodite
The feelings of aching and such started after meeting each other for the first time, so I don’t think it’s codependency entirely. It could have turned into that, but the way I still feel about her… I can’t believe it was or is anything other than love. I have no guilt about what I’ve done. I have progressed personally on a lot of levels. I’ve been able to evaluate with a level head everything my ex and I have done, and I am now in the process of determining whether or not I really want her. It’s surprising, even to me, that I am really in tune with my feelings and can think so rationally. I am not getting caught up in emotion (although being somewhat emotional sometimes, to the point where I lose perspective and revert, and it helps me to determine what’s love, what isn’t, and is it even worth it anymore.
I think my ex, from me seeing some messages from her to others, that she passes herself off as being extremely happy without me. Saying things like, “**** and I broke up. haha who would’ve thunk it, right?!” And in her pictures our mutual friends have posted show her being extremely happy.
However, during our phone conversations, she hasn’t seemed extraordinarily happy. She told me she’s happy now, but yet told me she cries about me sometimes and is sad about me being gone. “It’s not easy for me! I’m not having the time of my life!” So idk. I feel like she told everyone that we were so unhappy all the time that she wouldn’t come back easily just because it could make her look bad. She hates for anyone to see her in a bad light. She wouldn’t even let me call my family if we had spat a bit some days because she was afraid I would say something negative about her. (Which I never did)
I think when she tells me she loves me and misses me, she isn’t trying to be cruel. She is wrapped up in her own emotions at this point in her life. Like me, she always believes we’d be married with babies by now. It was probably a blow to her mind that she was over our relationship. Her still seemingly existent confusion kind of supports that.
She has befriended individuals from the past that have openly liked her. One individual, I suspect she liked during our 3rd year together. There were messages from the person that lead me to believe it wasn’t a friendship that was respectful to my relationship. So, I told my ex she, if she loved and respected my feelings, would not continue to contact this person. She agreed. She did have a short convo with this person in 2010, but made it clear that her and I were still together and will probably marry. My point in bringing that up is that she is seeking others besides the guy she is with… That’s what it seems like. She told me they were exclusive, but knowing what I know… I really can’t see my ex being with this guy for an extended amount of time. And I don’t see my ex settling for the first thing that comes her way.
I don’t think she is using me as a safety net. I think she wants her best friend back. This is what I think: She has moved on from believing we can work. From what she’s said and done since the breakup, I believe she has feelings for me still but they’re unable to come to the surface right now. For whatever reason. She tells me she misses me like crazy and loves me so much because she really does. I was her best friend. Have you ever lost a best friend? I have. And I remember missing them like crazy. Having them to talk to me about life bullshit and them just being around to chill with. 100% comfortable with them. That’s what she’s missing. She isn’t purposely being cruel. She is just attempting to soften me up so she can have her friend around like she wants. Is that wrong of her? I’m not sure. Her emotions are all she’s focused on right now. Man, she used to be such a great, loving girlfriend. Cared about my every emotion. Actually communicated about what was wrong. Even if it came with an attitude. She’s nothing like that and hasn’t been since a few months before the breakup. I miss my baby.
haha When she told me she didn’t accept that I was going to leave her life… I looked at her with the strangest expression… bent down over her and said, “Honey. What the fuck happened to your mind? You aren’t working with a full stack! You’re crazy and you have no control over whether or not I continue to allow you in my life!” She just had a blank stare at first and then cried a little.
I feel like if I stick to my word of not being in her life and just letting all of that go for now will show her when I say something, I fucking mean it. And then I also hope to gain some respect from her. I did lose respect over the last few years. I became pathetic in her eyes. I could feel it, and see it on her face. Loving words took a concerned motherly tone rather than a loving partners. By me staying away, I am hoping to clear the slate. I want to introduce myself to her as a stronger, more capable person. In the best shape of my life, and more like the person she fell in love with.
Shortly after the breakup, she came back to our house and I had went clothes shopping, got a haircut, lost weight and toned up more…she looked at me and touched me lovingly and said, “See. You’re everything I’ve always wanted.” I keep a hold of that. Because that person I was in that moment, is what she’s looking for. Confident. Not depressed looking. Dressed to impress. Decisive. (I spoke to her about my life goals. She wasn’t happy with some of them. She said, “That pisses me off. You didn’t seem interested in moving to California when we were together!” lol
I couldn’t stay that person because everything was so fresh. We started fighting again and I raged and cried a lot. Thus, it killed what she was willing to give. But even up till the last day that we were together, she looked at me like she loved me. Over the phone, she spoke as if she was still in love. So I know I can get back there. And time will help me. If I determine I want her… (I’m about 30% not wanting her.)
All any of us can do is work on things. One day at a time, Aphrodite. We’ll get there.
@Atea
I don’t believe she is attached to the new guy. I was telling Aphrodite, above, that she seems to be searching for other possibilities. And I don’t see this young, emotionally wrecked, guy being in the picture for a long time.
I am relieved to have my things back! The drive was so long, and I pretty much took care of business and turned right back around. I stopped at a rest stop to nap for while. I had a dream my ex and I were together. I woke up in a panic and at first I thought we were still together…then it all hit hard that I was alone. I don’t even have my cat. lol I was a bit sad from it, but I recovered after a while.
I large part of me wants my ex back, but when I think about how she’s going from person to person to fill the void… while I am right here and willing… makes me not want to be with her. I get feelings of resentment (I am working on completely forgiving her) but then I remind myself that she probably really believes that we are over…and she wants to find happiness. Am I wrong for feeling resentment? Am I being too understanding?
It has been easier than I thought it would be to not reach out to her. I think it’s because I have so much faith that we have a good chance in the future, and if I reach out or reach back when she reached out…it ruins those chances significantly. I am the big picture type of person. I can focus on the small pieces, but I am good at getting the big picture. And I am patient. lol VERY patient.
I just hope this experience works out for the best, but no matter what…I know I will be a brand new person that someone will love. We all will!
I have to start planning my move back. I want to be back there by the end of April.
So how have you been? Any news? What are you getting into that keeps your mind off your ex?.. if anything.
@Aphrodite
Same questions to you…