Confusing Breakup - Beginning the Steps

reconciliation
1

Ok, I know my title is confusing as all breakups are confusing :slight_smile:

18 days ago my girlfriend (23 yr) of 2.5 yrs broke up with me (24 yr).

We have been together since the last semester of college and continued dating for the next two years out of school. Everyone always said what an amazing couple we were and how compatible we were. Her family liked me a lot and we went on many family gatherings. We did many fun things and trips over the course of the relationship. She was always happy. She always talked about getting married and having kids always pressuring me. I was on the cusp of proposing this summer in July. I already had it planned.

We lived separate but close and had good jobs. We are both engineers. She spent a lot of time at my place since its much larger but also she often went to friends places. This did exhaust her.

Over the last few months, she has had some stress at work and her family is being torn apart by an unexpected teen pregnancy from her sister. She denies it but I know these things have had an effect on her. Many of her friends have also been breaking up lately but often to too much worse things (physical abuse etc). I have NEVER abused my ex in any way.

Over the last two months, she had started mildly smoking cigarettes behind my back. She had never smoked before. I found them and asked her about them and she said it was because of the stress at work it helped her. She has also drank a lot more in the last month. Iā€™ve found hard liquor bottles at her house and she got drunk several times with me and probably several times without. This is very new for her. She has also slacked off on going to church even though this was really important to her when we started dating she has lost her spiritual spark.

The last few weeks of dating were been hard on her and our relationship. six weeks ago I came back from a 2-week work trip and I sensed something was wrong so I asked. She said she was unhappy. Which I knew and had been trying to help her with, but this time it was about me. She said that she does not feel that I was affectionate enough lately and that I could never change and we donā€™t connect. She also said she believed we were not compatible. She is a bit more extroverted then I but this has never been a problem. She told me then that she briefly had thought about what life would be like if we broke up. She said she doesnā€™t have fun with me like she does with her girlfriends. We talked some more but did not break up.

To preserve the relationship I had a couple of talks with her and they were good. We felt we moved forward. And she said she felt much better. We had a new plan that we would talk more per her request. We had promised to talk at a minimum on Tuesdays no TV etc just bonding. The next Tuesday she comes over and asks for a drink after work. Which was odd because she does not drink more than socially. She was tried and wanted to watch TV, to that I said this is our night to talk to each other and she sighed. She ended up taking a nap.

The next Friday she comes over and says ā€œwe need to talk. I wanna break upā€. I talked to her for about an hour and held her off and try and figure out her reasons. The first thing she said was that she felt the relationship was not going anywhere and that If I want to wait to get married I should find someone else. I said this was not true, but she couldnā€™t exactly put a reason on why else she was unhappy with me. She said she still loved me as for how could she not after two years. I asked if she talked to anyone about this and she said her mom, but her mom was surprised to hear this, which gives me the vibe that this is invalid. We agree to talk more the next day.

The next day she comes over and I tell her that I think the marriage thing is a big misunderstanding. I wasnā€™t going to wait for years to propose it was coming in two months the relationship was going somewhere. She always wanted it to be a surprise so she was not aware of the plans, but she said she might not have said yes and she said that it would not have been a surprise. I also mentioned if some of her other stress has rubbed off on the relationship and she denied that. She was the one sobbing on both of these nights but she did not have much to say the second night. Even though I talked about the proposal plans she wasnā€™t happy. She said I was winning with logic but she felt how she felt. She said she no longer viewed me in her future she sees herself buying a condo by herself etc. I asked how long she had this vision she said only 3 weeks. She said she still loved me but there was no spark. She said the only decision she could be at peace with was breaking up. I understood and saw it in her eyes. So I said ā€œokā€. She cried some more and said that now that it was happing it doesnā€™t feel so good. But she held course. She left saying she will come pick up her stuff but she wants to make sure this is what she wants. She said this does not have to be the last time we see each other because ā€œthatā€™s what I deserveā€.

I know I have many things working for me. She acknowledges that I was always good to her. She said Iā€™m ā€œperfect on paperā€. I do believe thought that I have put the relationship on auto piolet for the last couple of months. Out dates were really generic (dinner etc) and we didnā€™t do a lot of bonding things. I want to undo this but Iā€™m not dating her anymore to fix it. :frowning:

I decided to have no contact with her except figuring out logistics to pick up her stuff over text.

She came over four days later to pick up her stuff, (clothes, a bike, some art etc). We were very minimal with each other. I decided if she wanted to talk to me she could but I wouldnā€™t force it, or if she wanted to stay I would let her do it. We were polite but of course awkward to each other but at the end, she came up to me and said bye but we did not hug, perhaps my body language gave the vibe to not hug but it kinda seemed like she wanted too.

We have had no contact since then 14 days. Iā€™ve decided to not beg or plead or argue. But Iā€™m so confused.

She expressed in her discussion that she wanted to get married and move the relationship forward. I told her I was How did that not work?

She has a history with her last BF of breaking up and getting back together multiple times. I also noticed she has not deleted ANY of our photos on Facebook or Instagram, they make it very obvious we were/are a couple. She going through a rough patch in life. I love her and never saw this happing.

Iā€™ve been trying to move on as if she will never come back. itā€™s the easiest way even though I wish none of this happened. Does anyone think anything of this? I feel she made her decision fast and in a cloud.

Against almost all advice from my family and friends who say she is gone I still really love this woman and want her back. Iā€™ve cooled off quite a bit since this all started and Iā€™ve been no contact for 14 days Iā€™m planning on keeping this up. I was a huge part of her life and she has to miss me we would see each other 4-5 times a week. I plan to work with the five steps. Iā€™ve been working on myself both emotionally and spiritually.

Thoughts? I think the marriage confusion is what makes this one unique.

2

Sheā€™s been with you since a very young age. She might feel that she doesnā€™t know exactly what she wants because she hasnā€™t had enough experience in determining what she doesnā€™t want as relating to matching well with a man. Her history of breaking up and reuniting is disturbing and thatā€™s why I mentioned the above. The recent change in behavior is also distressing, but I think she has to strike out on her own to discover what she wants in life and more time to understand that drinking doesnā€™t solve problems. Thereā€™s a slight possibility that you saw each other MUCH TOO often thereby cutting the excitement one feels when being with a lover. Anyway, I think youā€™re doing the right thing by not contacting her and working through the steps.

I know you must be heartbroken, but give it time, lots of time! Wishing you the bestā€¦

3

Hi Patricia12,

Iā€™ve read lots of your posts before you are very helpful.

I never thought of it but I agree we probably did see each other much too often towards the end of our relationship. for the first year and a half, we were in school or at 70 miles distance. Then we moved closer. She did indirectly cite a lack of romantic love as one of her reasons for leaving. It is difficult to always have a blissful experience 5 days a week.

From what she told me she wants to live this independent lifestyle where she is buying her own condo, advancing at work, etc. I havenā€™t see any evidence of any other man in the picture. Seems she all of a sudden she thinks her girlfriends are more fun even though in the past they have been less than functional. Another thing to point out is that many of her friends marry at a very young age (less then 22 yr old in some cases), however, most if not all fail very quickly. Her best freind is in a bad marriage right now. I feel that might have made her question what she wants in life even though Iā€™m a different cailiber.

Iā€™m going to keep up NC. I think more then 30 days is necessary since there is so much going on for us to realize. As sad as it is Iā€™m working on moving on dating others etc. I feel this relationship canā€™t be mended in 30 days she has to find out what she wants and experience life without a man.

Thoughts?

4

I agree. Itā€™s going to take a good long while for her to decide whatā€™s important for her sense of accomplishment and happiness, and if that includes having you in her life. Also by dating others, you might come to a better conclusion as to the woman who matches with you, whether thatā€™s your ex or someone else. So continuing no contact seems like the right thing to do at this time. Good luck and keep us posted:)

5

Update,

It was her birthday on Friday.

It had been 25 days of no contact. I sent her a text saying ā€œHappy Birthday, I hope you have a good weekendā€ I got no response. But at this point, Iā€™m not even sure I care. Iā€™m not sure if I want a woman that quit on me. Iā€™ve already gone on dates and feel as if Iā€™m moving on.

The main reason I sent her a text was that my birthday is in June. If I did not send something and she did in June I was worried she would appear the bigger person.

6

Hi Ernie, It was nice you sent a happy birthday text. I think it was appropriate because you were together over 2 years. Just because she hasnā€™t answered, doesnā€™t mean she didnā€™t appreciate it on some level. Glad youā€™re feeling a little better. Continue no contactā€¦

7

Yeah, I agree, it would have been kind of shallow to not send anything. She never did respond, but Iā€™m not hurt by that which means Iā€™m making progress. Iā€™m thinking she is afraid to open herself up to me at the moment. She knows I can be persuasive and effective in a discussion. She even said during our breakup that I ā€œalways know what to say and that gets in the way of her feelingsā€.

Honestly, I think this is all for the better. Like I mentioned in my last post. Iā€™m not even entirely sure I want her back. This sounds cocky but I know my worth. Iā€™m put together, I have a good social life, I make good money, physically fit, own a house, have a good career, volunteer and serve in the military and am getting spiritually healthier. I have to figure out if Iā€™m even willing to go back to someone who didnā€™t know what she had when she had it.

And I think for that the only way is to move on and continue NC.

Iā€™m sure there will be more updates.

8

Hey Earnie, I know how you feel. I guess this break up its a rollercoster of emotions. One day you miss her and the next you can care less. There is a point of NC where you donā€™t care if they comeback. Keep doing your NC and if she ever comesback and apologizes to you then you decide if you want her.

My view of what went wrong is this: she is following her friends pattern of live. She wants to see what being single is. Of course it sucks when you love someone but let her find that out herself. I think that she only wants space to find out if she wants you in her future or not. I also believe sheā€™s doing NC. :slight_smile: She was probably feeling too overwhelmed everything.

I wish you lots of luck.

9

So weā€™ve been apart for 5 weeks

Iā€™m doing much better still. It is certainly a roller coaster of emotions. I did miss her this weekend a little but not that much. Iā€™m still not entirely sure if she is even someone I would want back ever. Certainly not in her current state as of a month ago.

Looking back at the relationship there are tons of things I could have done better but none of them major, of course everyone reruns the relationship over and over during the first few weeks of a breakup.

But after some more thought I do have an idea of what might be an outside influence on her. Her best friend lets call her Kate has an enormous amount of influence over her life and thoughts, and something tells me she might have had something to do with this. Iā€™ve always been able to mesh well with most of my exā€™s friends, but her friend group is so diverse in character that its pretty hard to instantly become best friends with some of her friends. I also think many of her friends donā€™t value her as much as she values them which is something that I donā€™t think she realizes. But for the most part I know most of her friends approved of me even her best friend at one point.

The thing with her best friend is that she got married last spring and immediately had an unplanned child born in the fall. I can tell itā€™s a bad marriage because any time I was around them there was so much bickering and mild fighting. Another thing is that Kate parades the baby around like its her own and not theirs. The poor guy works two jobs of course to support them. I can tell with near certainty that the marriage is a bad one. I just always thought it was weird because my ex was never like this.
The thing is I was never totally accepted by Kateā€™s husband or his friends they are all also Eastern European. I remember meeting many of them for the first time and being social and talking to each of them and asking about them and then they wouldnā€™t pay me any attention. They didnā€™t care about me, my job etc or any of that small talk. They just want back to speaking in Russian in front of me, which of course neither I or my Ex speak. This also happened at a BBQ I hosted at my house for them. During our relationship I tried explaining this to my ex since it bothered her that there was no connection between this friend group. On a side note my ex meshed really well with my friend group but many of my friends are in sales and very outgoing etc and meshing well comes naturally.

Iā€™m not saying that Kate intentionally broke us up but I do feel that she probably enjoys having my ex around more and wouldnā€™t be crazy for us being together. After all my ex is a generous person and gifts a lot to Kate, it honestly seemed excessive at points. Sometimes she treated her as a significant other and it just seemed odd because Kate would rarely do anything for my ex. But at the end of our relationship my ex said that she just doesnā€™t have fun with me like she does with Kate when they hang out even though she has said the opposite before and I know she also went straight to Kateā€™s house after the breakup.

My Ex is not completely oblivious though she has on numerous occasions had frustrations with Kate and did state that she was a mooch and nosey. But nothing worse than that.

I donā€™t want to sell myself on the fact that her friend is the sole reason for all this or even a reason at all. But my mind canā€™t help but connect the dots. Obviously, my spiritual healing has no room for distain, or bitterness towards others so Iā€™ve reframed from feeling such.

I think that if I ever did want her back I would face a large obstacle which I can not control.

Of course, at this point though, Iā€™m still healing myself and moving on. These are just my realizations from the last two weeks.

10

Hi Ernie, I think you have an good objective view of the situation and glad youā€™re thinking logically as to whether you would want your ex back or not. Iā€™m wondering if ā€œKateā€ immigrated to the USA on an engagement visa. Sometimes foreigners use people to get here and Kate sounds like she doesnā€™t love her husband, maybe ā€˜usingā€™ him to obtain her goal. Anyway, yes I think Kate could be an influence, but any woman with a mind of her own wouldnā€™t break up her relationship due to outside pressures. Please donā€™t beat yourself up over what you might have done differently as Iā€™m sure you were overall a good boyfriend. Iā€™m glad youā€™re still working on your spiritual healing and trying the best you can to move on, although not an easy thing to do. Keep your chin up:) And keep us posted from time to timeā€¦

11

First of all thanks leidy1000 and Patricia12 for the input itā€™s amazing to have people to talk to on here.

Kate did not immigrate on an engagement visa she did come here when she was 4 or 5. and has been freinds with my ex since kindergarten. There isnā€™t really a reason she would have to use him to get here. She married a guy she dated since HS. She does kinda need him though since neither of them has really good paying jobs and she doesnā€™t even work anymore.

My ex is easily influenced by her for sure. She imitates her and wants to do exactly what she wants to do. If Kate wants to lose weight my ex-wants to lose weight. It Kate wants to go somewhere my ex-wants to go etc. I know girls have different relationships with their best freinds then guys do but my ex and this woman honestly seemed like romantic partners at some points. Buying each other chocolates, gifts etc. I remember my ex and I took a weekend trip to a lake once and when we got back and Kate saw how fun it was my ex-said she was jealous and thus had to plan a trip with Kate up to a similar place which of course my ex-paid for.

12

Hi Earnie, Kate is a childhood friend. Their friendship is way different. However one day your ex will realize her feelings. If she wants to fight for you she will. I have the same problem. My exes Mother and Brother got in between us. They pressured him to leave the relationship because they didnā€™t approve my view of life. And after 8 years of a relationship he actually did wait till i ended things to not blame him. Its on me because it was my decision.

I just believe our exes were influenced to leave us but it was their choice to follow it. They hurt us enough by leaving. One day it will just be too late for them to realize their mistake. We changed our lives back to single. As the days go by we just think how they hurt us so bad. At the end it will be way too difficult to take them back. Nothing can tell us that if we take them back they wonā€™t leave us again.

Earnie donā€™t blame Kate for anything. She actually did you a favor. You saw how your ex reacted by pressure. She turned her back to you. She will need to work alot to get you back. Thats what I think. Goodluck and keep us posted.

13

Hi Leidy,

Thanks for the input. Iā€™m sorry to hear that your exā€™s mother and bother got in the way. It really is a hard thing to swallow since there is very little you can do to stop it. Especially since people often have selfish motives when they do this.

Iā€™m not positive that Kate had something to do with this but I definitely think its a valid question. It could more likely have been in some indirect way. My ex probably saw the dismal marriage Kate was in and I know Kate vented to her about it. My Ex may have seen this and had her hesitations about marriage and commitment. Which is what makes this case unique. I believe if a proposal wasnā€™t eminent she might have had a different reaction to her dissatisfaction with the relationship.

In hindsight, my ex is rather emotionally weak. She seems to often times run from her problems and not confront them. Youā€™re absolutely right she just plain quit on me. In her current state she is undateable and if she didnā€™t quit on me know she probably would later for some reason and Thanks God it happened sooner rather then later. If she changes and I change in the future I may entertain the idea of getting back together but Iā€™m trying not to hang on.

I understand that it is not good for me to be mad or bitter to my ex or Kate. If Iā€™m bitter I canā€™t even begin to move on. And honestly, Iā€™m proud to say Iā€™m not bitter to either of them. Bitterness will only ruin my future relationships or prohibit me from even starting them. It also certainly wonā€™t help me get my ex back IF thatā€™s even something I want and Most of all it will destroy me on the inside.

14

I guess we will never know her true reason for the break up. Even though one day she might explain it, she might not remember the real motive. I do agree with you, bitterness will only destroy your chances at moving on. And just like you said its better that our exes quit sooner. We are still young with a whole future a head of us. You will find the right person who isnā€™t afraid of marriage.

15

Leidy,

Whats your situation like right now. Do you wish to reconcile? or are moving on?

I donā€™t think she was scared of marriage for the most part. She was pushing it for most of the relationship and it could at times make me uneasy early on. She has lots of freinds that will get married after a year etc. I think she started to see marriage and children for what they really were. More than just ā€œcuteā€ Instagram pictures and a love story. She saw the disputes and hostility and of course breakups and breakdowns of the people she was surrounded with. She couldnā€™t see through the fact that our relationship was completely different and we were both different calibers. And then we kinda traded places. I was ready to make that step and all of a sudden she wasnā€™t.

Honestly, I still love her and probably always will in some way. Iā€™m just getting through NC now. except for the birthday text and having to coordinate canceling a gym membership (total of 2 short texts between us 3 weeks ago) We have been totally no contact for 5.5 weeks now. Thatā€™s a long time but still not long enough for either of us to get sorted out.

So far Iā€™ve got a new car, joined a new church and I am working on completing some time-consuming house projects. And of course, going on dates. Iā€™ve had two with two separate women so far but neither really struck me. It might be because its too early or it might be because I know more of what I want in a partner or both.

16

Hey Earnie good question. Im 25 by the way. My situation is somewhat the same as yours. My break up was March 1. His phone was on my family plan so I transferred his number to another phone I have. That meant I wasnā€™t willing to see him again to pay his phone. I wanted no strings attached. He picked up everything the next day while I worked. He left his keys too. So 30 days passed by I didnā€™t know his new number. 31 day he texted me wanting to know about me. Our conversations were always from waking up to falling asleep. We got physical twice after the break up. As the time went by I wasnā€™t willing to settle for a non real relationship again. So yes I did NC from time to time. Right now it has been 3 weeks since we dont contact. Is much easier when you think about the pain they have caused you. I just think he will need alot of beggin and earning my trust back before we can start another relationship.

If his intentions were to teach me a lesson he has failed. I take lessons from no boyfriend and he must learn that lesson. You canā€™t do something like this to the person you love. Right now if he asks to be back I will tell him Im not interested and he will have to decide if he wants to chase me again.

My ex likes me to feel his pain. When I made him feel bad he would do something to make me feel what he felt. His brother is one of those men who break up and make up. He has about three years breaking up and making up with his baby mother. And im not settling for a relationship like that.

What do you think your ex will do? And are your conversations long?

17

Leidy,

Sounds like your relationship had run very deep. You were living together after all. I think NC is extremely effective in our cases. And yeah if he hurt you then you definitely need your time. I would be careful about making him beg to get you back. He needs to change instead and thatā€™s up to him. If he just begs and you take him back all you do is teach him that he can just mess up, beg/plead, get back, repeat. begging is a much easier path they changing and if offered it a guy will choose the easier path.

It sounds like you are interested in getting back together just not right now. I would just continue NC thatā€™s the only way he is going to know that he has to change.

As far as my conversations with my EX they are nearly not existent due to NC. I have made a point to be NC for now and work on my self. She texted me about the gym membership 3 weeks ago. It was short cause I can feel we both wanted space, or at least I did. She was very minimal with me it was only 2 texts. I sent a happy birthday text with no reply. Its been 5.5 weeks since the breakup. Very proud of my NC. Iā€™m still figuring out what I want.

Iā€™m almost sure her defenses are still up. She knows that I can interfere with her feelings if I start talking. After all, I talked her into staying another day. Her defenses might also be up longer since her last relationship had multiple breakups and she had a bad experience reopening up. Again though Iā€™m a different caliber.

I have no idea how she would react if I reached out, Iā€™m sure she doesnā€™t know how iā€™d react either if she reached out. I guess thatā€™s kinda the point of NC.

For now, I plan to figure myself out and improve myself. I still love her but God has a plan for me. Iā€™ll probably only reach out to her if/when I decide Iā€™m 100% sure I want her back. I just need to make sure I donā€™t want her because I got rejected or feel lonely.

18

Yes Earnie you are right. I should search for a change instead of waiting for him to beg. But he still needs to gain my trust. Im still hurt by this. Oh and forgot to say I have not dated anyone because I want to heal first. On my last conversation with my ex he told me he wasnā€™t and hasnā€™t dated anyone else neither.

Maybe your ex took that excuse of the membership to speak to you. I agree with you do not contact her because she will get an ego boost. And prolong her change.

Are you willing to reconcile with her after you too have done changes and healing?

19

I donā€™t think there is much of a chance that she used the gym membership to reach out to me. She was cold when she sent it I could tell. She could have been trying to get a reaction but she didnā€™t really get one.

One thing to remember is that my ex left me so Iā€™m on a little different ball field than you, at the end of the day itā€™s not entirely my choice. Iā€™m still not at the point where I know exactly what to do, so itā€™s not healthy for me to move in any other direction than to just move on. Iā€™ve made changes for the better in my life but I have no idea if she has. I guess the only way for me to figure out if she has would be to talk to her.

I have gone on some brief dates since the breakup. But itā€™s a little different for men I think. It helps get my confidence back. And who knows.

I know my ex-doesnā€™t really have the largest of egos, Sometimes it almost seemed like she could have low self-esteem, so I donā€™t know if she is playing games or not. In a moment of interest, I checked her social media and She seems to be posting on social media a ton more. But only with her family and of course ā€œKateā€ and Kateā€™s kid. Some of the pictures would almost make it seem like my ex is trying to make it seem like the kid is herā€™s. Which I guess honestly seems kinda pathetic.

So I donā€™t know if I want to reconcile yet. My dad gave me some great advice. If you do wish to reach out to test the waters do if for yourself and whatever the outcome you can always say you tried and have no regrets. We then talked about some of his regrets.

20

No Earnie its not so different. I was left by my long term partner when he decided not to try and fix things. He gave up on the relationship.

And thats funny you call it pathetic. Its adorable to me. I love other people babies. They are super cute because you donā€™t get to have them 24/7. I bet she will love to be a mother someday.

I donā€™t think she sees a flaw on herself. Im sure she has an ego. She got a boost when she broke up and is acting very cold towards you. But by now she must be a mess because you are not chasing her. Im actually proud of you. You seem so strong about this. Not many people can accomplish what you have.

Im also moving towards the moving on, but yeah Im open for reconciliation. What changes you hope to accomplish soon?

My changes so far have been being more relax about anything. That was one of the big issues at the end of my relationship. I also stop the arguing for nothing with family members and maybe him. I dont know hes not present to provoke my anger :). I have also healed so much from our loss. On Nov 29 our baby girl did not breath after birth. She never resuscitated and that was super hard for all of us and the relationship. Anyways Im more happy again. Thank God. Im working on dropping the baby weight now. So thats the last change im hoping for.