Leidy,
I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I guess I honestly can’t say I know what it is like to lose a child. It seems like you’ve been getting stronger and stronger through it though and it gives me more and more hope.
I don’t think my ex liking other people’s babies is pathetic. She just seemed to obsess over them so much. At times it almost felt like she would put in more effort to them then our relationship. I definitely held a little bitterness over that but not an enormous or obvious amount.
I think she is even confused on whether or not she wants to be a mother. We would talk about it and honestly I thought she would make a good mother and I couldn’t wait for that day. I just wanted to do it more responsibility than her friends who all have very unplanned children. I could tell at times she romanticized single motherhood. Her mom was a single mother for a point in time and it looks like her sister is going to be too. On the flip side she said a couple of months ago that she wasn’t even sure if she wanted kids due to the drama in her family with her sister, so there really is a lot up in the air.
I myself want to have a stable strong christian family someday. And most of the time it seemed like she wanted the same thing.
I’m not sure what you meant by saying she does not see the flaw in herself, If she is a mess since I’m not chasing her. To me it would seem like its both or none. Either she sees a flaw and is a mess or neither. I guess all people have an ego even her but since I know her I can say its not very strong. She might be a mess since I’m not in pursuit or it could be a relief I guess we don’t know.
That’s great you’re making changes. Especially getting rid of the bitterness and arguing. As far as changes for me. I’ve already accomplished some. I’ve joined a new church, I’ve lost 8 pounds, I’ll get back into lifting as soon as the doctor allows me I had a hip injury.
Oh wow be careful with that injury. Recover first. Im so glad that you accomplish those things.
Is this new church better in someway?
The days following my break up I was so devastated by my losses. I went to a new christian church too. They did wonders for me. They prayed for me alot and encouraged me.
Your ex has too much on her plate. She doesnt seem to know what to do next on her life. I was once there. Wished to be a single mother because my mom was one and raised us fine, but thats alot of work. 
Im sure everything will be alright for us. Maybe we will meet our next heartbreaker soon haha.
I’m taking lifting slow. Honestly lifting always made me very happy and it been about 6 months since I’ve been able to go hard. I had a hernia (TMI I know).
The church is not Catholic. I was raised Catholic but I just never found a church that was Catholic that spoke well to me after college. I was very involved with the church in college. The new church is nondenominational it’s more like the type of church my ex-went to before she fell off the cliff. I’m grateful the church does not remind me of her. It’s pretty upbeat.
My ex for sure has a lot going on and yes turned her back on me. I guess I’m at the point of six weeks NC and these last few days have been hard but I’ve held course. It’s at the point where I guess I just miss the companionship. Its crazy to think that I haven’t heard her voice in 5.5 weeks and that doesn’t bother me. I just still think that the relationship could have been salvaged and maybe its just taking a second round of that sinking in. I’m going to stick to what my Dad said. If I still feel this way in a month maybe its time to reach out. Who knows maybe she’s even crazier.That could be just what I need to sell me on the fact that its over seeing her more crazy.
One of my best friends is going through something similar. Same age same duration of 2.5 yrs. He and his ex-took a break had a decent amount of fights in the break and honestly aren’t really officially broken up yet but there going to be. Just seems messer. Crazy how fast I was able to jump in and help him. I only have 6 wks experience with this
No Earnie not Catholic. I also grew up being a Catholic. I didn’t see a connection with God by just going to mass and listening the priest read. I went to a Christian church. Those that mass is called a service and they preach the word. Catholics don’t do private prayers like they do.
Anyways after I healed enough, I can’t explain it but I ended up going to mass. Now I go to a Constantinople Catholic church. Its amazing and I love it. The priest gets to marry and speak to us after a 3 hour mass.
I think that following your fathers advice is the best thing you can do. Once you tried and it doesn’t work it will be much easier to not contact your ex. Right now you still have what ifs. You will be okay because you are very clear about your feelings and know that she might reject you. It wouldn’t hurt to try.
Im so sorry about you friend’s relationship. Taking breaks will most likely destroy the relationship. I wish him or her good luck. A break up it’s super hard but we must go through them to be able to find our soulmates.
Thats great about church Leidy, faith is really important.
Their break was really just a slow breakup. Honestly I think a break is so much worse because my freind
did not choose to be in this situation and he was letting her drive the bus until he was fed up a few weeks later and ended it by removing their relationship from fb.
Nothing against my friend but I think the break drove him nuts where they should have just broken up. A break does not force change because the other person just hopes they are accepted as is at the end. A breakup forces change if one hopes to reconcile or move on.
Things I’m proud of: 1) Not reaching out for six weeks except for birthday 2) Not bitter at her. These seem to be things that my freind was not able to do because they took a break instead first. I suppose this should be a different topic breaks vs breakups.
Over the past few days my mind has fixated more on moving on and reconciling instead of just moving on. I could be getting close to step two but I’m not sure yet. I need to have this feeling quite a bit longer.
Yeah you are right. A break is much worse. Plus it sounds like his gf was playing games with him. Maybe she would never return to the relationship and was just confused and dragging him along. In a while she might have let him go too. Im glad he opened his eyes and is breaking up instead. Maybe they get back together in the future.
I don’t understand on the moving on part. I guess you have to decide either move on or try to reconcile, because moving on and reconcile rarely happens. Once you find another perfect match is hard to let them go for an ex. I mean that person could be perfect in every way, and your ex might mess up again. I would preffer to get messed up by a new person than an ex. You know the saying “Mess up with me once, shame on you. Mess up with me twice, shame on me.” Or something like that haha.
I guess when I say move on I mean better myself and accept the fact that she might not comeback. Nothing good will come from having her as my only option so to speak or thinking that I need her to survive, I’ll be insecure.
I suppose I should have said growth then reconcile. instead of move on and reconcile
How is your situation Leidy? Seems you are more for moving on in your own life.
Yeah I think the saying goes like that.
Yes Earnie, Im finally moving on. Im so happy and open to a new relationship. I also stopped calling his grandma. She insisted so much on not letting me go, but I believe having a relationship with her was holding me back. Im sure she will be calling me soon. Thats my headache I guess.
I don’t want my ex back but if he manages to apologize on time, maybe theres a chance. But if I get someone new, goodbye to my ex. I hate the fact that he embarrassed me in front of my family. He picked up everything and left. I just don’t think I want someone like that.
That’s great that you’re moving on and are open to new relationships. I feel like that’s the only way to move forward Its all about the abundance mindset. I’m still not there yet I don’t think. I’m partially open to new relationships but sometimes I think I only do that because I’m working on my mindset while in the back of my head I’m still hoping my ex comes around.
I know there will be good days and bad days but the last week has been really hard on me. I still feel like I really want to reach out because its been so long or has sure felt like it. I have no idea what she is thinking, and that gets to me. Its been 6.5 weeks since the breakup and we have only had the minimal contact. I do regret taking her for granted. I just still don’t feel like I full on took her for granted because we still saw each other 4-5 days a week and I’d still planed nice dates. Most of it was just not new and exciting. I was busy with work for a few months. I just don’t know when enough is enough as far as time goes for NC. She could move on. Maybe she already has. I keep asking myself this and I know that along with the regret will drive me nuts. I was honestly in a better state a week ago.
Funny story a couple of days ago In a moment of weakness I checked her Instagram. I saw “account private” meaning I was blocked. It felt like a dagger stab to the chest for 15 seconds. Then I realized I was not connected to the internet lol. I signed back on and sure enough I was still there and so were “most” of the pictures from our relationship. I was already feeling a certain way before this but this is how I knew I still cared. I noticed she had gone home pretty much every weekend she posts quite a bit more too once a week at a minimum (none with guys). I know it will drive me nuts to take social media seriously though.
Helping my friend helps me through this too. Its nice to be able to help someone. But it also reminds me of my situation and at the same time but also makes me proud to have been more mature and restrained in the breakup which gives me hope.
I know she made a decision I just don’t understand how she lost her feelings for me in a couple of months when we dated for 2.5 yrs and had a crush on each other for 2.5 yrs before. 5 yrs of feelings. It tears me apart. I spent my whole early 20’s either crushing on or dating this woman. I still want her back but I know we both need to change and I need to be restrained now for sure.
I understand all of your feelings. I know it’s amazing how our exes do this to us. After being in “love” for such a long time. My ex would always say he didn’t know what his life would be without me. How he couldn’t live without me and didn’t want to imagine. Thats all bs. Life changes and ofcourse we change as well. I don’t think she stopped loving you. Its too fast to say that, but even loving someone doesn’t make them change. I don’t know your ex reason to break up. Most of the women don’t really mean what they say.
The only way my mind settled with moving on was by getting close to my ex and try to get get him to do something. He just pushed me away. Maybe not wanting to but since I didn’t see what I expected, I decided. Whenever you are ready just move to the next step on the 5 steps plan.
Ugh, Everyone in my life tells me to move on. And if she wanted something different she would have contacted by now. I just don’t know what to believe. Sooner or later NC is going to eat me alive too.
Looking for/dating other women only makes me want her more.
I’m worried I’m going to do something stupid, after almost 7 weeks of NC.
Earnie don’t have so much pride. Just contact her and see what happens. Than just accept the loss and move on. Contact her first or else moving on will be difficult.
I called her on Thursday, to see how she was doing. I got no reply.
It hurts but I’m working to move on.
Im so sorry Earnie. Life will move on. I hope you meet a good girl who is worth it. Reconciliation its out of the picture.
Update,
It is truly over. We have been NC for more then two months now. I’ve not heard from her at all. I have been having ups and downs over that time but I’ve felt pretty good for a few weeks now but so so today. I’ve been on a few dates and some of the women seem superior to my ex, which is a nice thing to see. I was rejected a second date by one though, but that’s part of it.
One of the things that helps me move on is that shortly after my last update I saw her post some pictures with another guy, She has posted a couple. She is careful about what she says about him online and she doesn’t really say anything affectionate about him but It’s obvious they are together. I never knew about him so he probably was not a friend of hers beforehand or he could have been kept a secret. This helps tell me that it’s over but it doesn’t make anything easier to swallow. Having an ex move on and commit to another person about a month after breaking up with me makes me feel pretty worthless, but nonetheless it closes the book. I make a point to not check her Social media but I have my weak moments.
I’m hoping I can continue moving forward. I still miss her. I miss her upbeatness, her compliments, her support and her company. But that woman was gone a long time ago anyway. Frankly it doesn’t help that everyone else in my life is in a happy relationship, but I know it will come. I do feel that NC has been a blessing it’s the fastest way to get over her.
I’ve been working on myself a lot lately. Hitting the gym hard. 8 plus hours a week. Heavy lifting and heavy cardio. I’ve joined a young persons church group filled with people my age. I’ve joined toastmasters too. I’m actually pretty jammed busy. Almost everyday I have something to do.
I’m glad you recognize it’s over, even though I know you’re sad about it at times. Don’t give up dating others as I feel you will eventually find someone who loves and appreciates you. Sometimes you won’t get that 2nd date, but don’t take it personally and don’t let it deter you! Nice to hear about your activities and “getting out there” so to speak. It will also help you move on… Good luck:)
Thanks Patricia,
Your words are always reassuring and well guided. It was tuff to accept that its over but It is what needed to happen. I don’t’ want to surrender all my thoughts and energy to this one women whom I know is not reciprocating. I wish the best for her even if it is with this new man because I’ll always love her in some way. But she did too much damage to me for me to be vested in her in anyway.
This is my first big experience like this. I’ve been rejected before sure but I’ve never had a long term relationship before and this one was a big one.
There are still dark moments. I can’t cover that up. I believe I could also be burning out from all the activities that I’m trying to do but its kind of a pick your poison thing where If I sit idle to long the pain boils up. Its just a balance thing.
Some of the positives that are coming out of the experience
• I’ve grown closer to my family, with my Ex gone I lost the person I’d share everything with. This forced me share it with my family. <- Biggest one
o I can’t believe some of the feelings I share with them know, its very different I used to be closed off.
• I’ve gotten in better shape.
• I’ve met at least 25 new friends or acquaintances
• Joined a church group, stronger faith.
I don’t want to go into to much detail because this site is for reconciliation. But unfortunately, in my case that doesn’t seem to be feasible. She simply does not what to talk to me right now.
I kept it from many, but I honestly wanted to be dead some days right after the breakup. I never really planned out an act but there were days where I was like oh boy it would be nice; wouldn’t all the pain go away. What if a car hit me today not so bad huh. The phase is long over. It gets easy to get carried away with trying to get someone back that you think life ends without them. It doesn’t.
Another thing to get off my chest that I didn’t reveal in these boards is that my EX was a self-proclaimed sex addict. She never cheated on me that I know of. She was never very open about this until the last few months of the relationship where she said she had a porn problem, which she expected me to break up with her over. She went to a support group for it. There were times where I could keep up with it and her desires, but then times where I couldn’t, especially this spring when I had a hernia repair surgery. In hindsight its impossible to state that this would not have had any effect on our relationship. Maybe that’s why she moved on so quick (ugh bad thoughts lol)
Anyway, thanks to everyone who contributes on this forum it’s a phenomenal resource. I’ll update if something radical changes.
@Ernie008 - I’m very glad to hear you’re much closer to your family and sharing your thoughts with them. I understand wanting to end the pain of a breakup (it’s not that unusual), but as a person begins to accept the breakup as being in their best interest, they look back and say “WOW, how silly of me, what was I thinking?”. With all the info you’ve given about your ex and now this latest revelation, you are definitely wise to move on, even if it hurts for awhile and you miss her. This will pass with time and she won’t enter your thoughts as often. Then hopefully someday you will meet a wonderful girl who is emotionally stable.
Look for the good things in life and be happy! Wishing you the very best of everything!