Hello. Just want to start by saying this seems like an excellent site, with great info, and everybody seems real understanding of the similar heartbreak.
Ill try to get this as short and to the point as I can. Could really use some insight. Considering how internet savy my Queen is, the places and names have been changed to protect my chances of not having my cover blown.
I met my Queen 2 and a half years ago on the internet. I never thought much of talking to people on the internet, but I knew she was real, I wasnt getting catfished, and she was awesome to talk to. We eventually began talking on the phone, which led to talking on the phone for long periods of time til the sun came up (those were the days). Unfortunately, she lived several states away (somewhere around a ten hour drive). However, I am a musician that tours every year, and I just happened to be going through her state soon.
As fate would have it, my travel got completely thrown off key and I ended up being stuck in, you guessed it, her state. So we got to meet in person (keep in mind I was already really feeling her before I even really got to see what she looked like considering all of her pictures looked different and didnt really do her justice). The second I saw her in person, I knew I was in trouble. I have never been so attracted to someone in my entire life. I was already falling hard with her just from our conversations, And it turned to be vice versa. Well, we ended up falling deeply in love with each other. Which led to her deciding to move with me states away. We didnt really plan it well, and knew that we loved each other enough that we couldnt be far away from each other anymore, and we would make it work no matter what. I (at the time) couldnt move to her state because I had a good job, was doing very well (nationally) with my music, and it looked like since I was going to be the breadwinner of the two of us eventually, that she should move up here and that would be the choice that made sense.
Eventually I toured in her area after we decided that, and I ended up helping her pack and she moved with me states away after this tour ironically ended in her state. I got her a job before she even moved, and scouted out all the schools that had programs for her major.
The next year and a half was literally perfect. The “bliss” stage as Im seeing it now. This woman was literally perfect for me. My nickname for her was along the lines of my “supreme design”. And I mean it with no bullshit. Literally. If I had the opportunity to design everything I wanted in a woman via a computer program. It would be her. Sense of humor was literally the same as mine, same music (for the most part), same movies, same style, gorgeous, amazing body, sweet, same thoughts at the same time, we could go on for hours. I told my mother, friends, family, everyone…“I found my Queen”
Eventually, with her being the super introvert, it became very difficult for her to get out of her box and meet people. Which eventually led to her resenting the fact that I did have friends I could go see. This led to her getting really homesick from her family, friends, and hometown environment. Which I can completely empathize with and understand. I tried to link her with female friends of mine with similar intersests, but none of them really cut it for her.
Not too long after this time period, she lost her job and her car. Which ultimately made her REALLY homesick. Before she could just drive wherever she wanted, had money to do so, and could do whatever she wanted. Now she basically only had access to a car that I share with someone else. She ended up falling into a serious depression. Literally watching tv from the sun came up until I fell asleep after working a 10 hour day, then clocking right back into music. The ways that she would show me she loved me started to drift away, and most of the romance, energy, so on, was coming only from me.
So, I noticed she was extremely homesick. I secretly contacted her best friend, told her what was up and basically said, If I buy her a roundtrip ticket and send her down there so you guys can hang out, can you please take her around and show her a good time, make sure she is all set to stay with you, etc. She agreed and we secretly set it up. Shortly after reaching out to her friend, we got in a tiny dispute, and she basically said F-it, Im leaving.
Once she got there she started spending alot of time with her friend, her friends husband, and their newborn baby. Which led to her remembering all the talks we had about getting married, having children, starting a family. She got mushy, and said she was going to come back and change everything, start appreciating me more, not resent me, and we would start our family soon once she got a job and we had our own transportation/living (I have a roomate, which also led to us not getting too much quality time/privacy). I was so happy. I really thought I was going to lose her forever.
The problem on my end, has been that I put way more effort into achieving my dream than anything else (because I know that a: it is achievable for me, and b: there is a lot of potential for me to make a lot of money). Tho I told her from the get go, “look I have to tell you upfront, I have a dream, I am very good at what I do, and I focus a lot of energy into it”. (You wouldnt go to school and then drop out right before you graduate). To which she understood and even found attractive. I also asked her “are you good with money?” to which she replied “no” and we both decided that we’d have to be very good and sharp with money and saving. Spending insane amounts of time writing, being in the studio, and basically being my own manager/booking-agent led to her resenting me in the worst way. Though, I have a dream, and was planning on sharing every thing with her just for understanding. So even though I was working more on me and not as much on us, it would in the long run be for us. Though she got pretty insistent with me focusing more on a career (I have a good job, not crazy paying, but stable, and Im pretty good at my day job as well as the music), I always knew in the back of my mind, its probably not a good sign that she is insisting this. Either I secretly suck and thousands of people have been gassing me, or she doesn’t believe in me. Either way, I do, and I knew once I started to fully support us off of it, she would completely understand and even encourage it.
Well, out of nowhere a cpl days ago I woke up at the crack of dawn and she was throwing things in her backpack. I asked her where she was going, she sat down and said “Im leaving”, then went right back to packing. So being an intelligent man who has fudged up serious in the past by saying stupid things at sensitive times, I walked into the other room to smoke a cigarette and figure out how I could get her to stay. Within a minute I heard a beep outside, it was a cab. So she walks past me, says “dont hate me”, hands me a note for me and my roomate and walks out the door. I follow her downstairs and she just gets in the cab and leaves. I get in the car, drive to the train station, and run to the train. She is on the upper deck of the train. I knock on the window and put my hands up asking her “baby where are you going” (Im young, but old soul. I come from the era of if you love someone and your having problems, you work it out after your anger and emotions have cooled). She just looks at me. So I leave. I got home and sent her an email basically telling her “I love you so much, Im not mad just devastated, and told her how crazy and out of the blue it was for me”. And of course, since we both say the same stuff at the same time, I got a message from her simultaneously saying she "is so sorry, didnt know how i would take it, needs to better herself instead of depending on me, shes gotta go back to school, we will always be “friends” (nooooooooo), and she thinks that we should be “individuals” for now. On one hand, I completely understand this. I too have felt like I was moving backwards, and have had to go home to re-root. On the other hand if she really loved me as much as I thought, wouldnt she bring this up to me before she was going to leave? Or at least give me an ultimatum. Or try and figure a way to work it out. Granted Im sure her leaving the first time was quite the hint, and there were probably millions of others that I paid no mind like an idiot, I just thought our love was strong enough to survive anything (especially after the first time).
So, yesterday she calls me. I answer. We didnt really talk for more than a couple mintues because her friend was taking her to a concert. But, as we’re talking, shes telling me that she wants to link me with another artist I should work with and says she told him “my friend -------”. Of course, I sigh the sighest sigh of all time, and she has to go. I performed the day before this call and was hit on by a number of woman that Im 99.9% sure I could have hooked up with. Also, alot of my friends are telling me to just start seeing other women, some of whom are hearing about us, and already on the prowl for me. I am not egotistical by any means, but Im aware of my worth. Im pretty talented and rather handsome. Getting with women has never been an issue for me, but all I ever wanted from the moment I laid eyes on her was her. And, thats how I feel now. I get the notion that hooking up after something like this can help you through it somehow (has in the past), but I cant even begin to think about it.
So shortly after the call, I started googling “best ways to get back my --”. Which led me to this site.
I have a lot of questions, and would appreciate any advice period.
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I understand the No Contact thing, its actually always been a method of mine. But what about in long distance scenarios.
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Shes still got me listed as her man on facebook. What is this all about?
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How could she possibly sound so happy after leaving me. I understand she is probably really excited to see her friends, family, familiar places, but damn. Is there any missing me at all going on? Is the reason she is so quickly over me cause she rebounded with someone in her homestate already?
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Have I already messed up the No Contact by talking to her (keep in mind, this hasnt even really concluded as a breakup in my eyes cause its so confusing, has been about 3 days).
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Am I the worlds biggest idiot for not just sticking my ground and basically telling her “you must be out of your mind for leaving me”
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Am I an assh*le for not completely understanding she has to handle her life (if thats really why she left). Couldnt she have gotten herself together here?
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What really is the best way to go about this situation? Do I not talk to her at all? Do I try to fix things before we’re officially (according to facebook) seperated? Do I tell her I will relocate to where she is if it means we can stay together and work on our relationship (I would do it at this point in a heartbeat)? Do I just stay here, motivate to work harder than I ever have with my career/dream/stability situation?
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I checked the site for relationship rewind, and it is kinda giving me the opposite advice that Im getting here (or at least Im interpreting it like that). Have any of you ever used it?
Im lost. I give great advice, but suck at hearing it myself. This is actually my first time hitting the internet family for advice. Usually when people hurt me, I have absolutely no problem cutting them off. But this feels impossible. Every song I hear reverts to her, every show we ever watched is re-running just for me to feel terrible, Im in the house with her stuff all in my space. I havent really had an appetite since the day she left. I miss her so much.
Please help me out. I know not all of the insight will be exactly what I should hear, but I know it will help.
Thanks for listening 