Today went well, it was lovely to see her 
However, it does raise questions about how I’m going to proceed…
I chatted to her briefly this morning to see how she was and she said she was feeling a bit better. We both did two hours of coaching and then went for coffee and a walk during lunch.
We caught up on a few things. I told her about the Muay Thai and she just said “omg” about it, because I’m getting so many bruises but I explained that just happens in the beginning until I get used to getting hit and my technique gets better. She said she is planning to learn to drive too but not until she finishes her course, so not until much later in the year. Her course is only going to be one night a week btw, and she’s doing it with her brother. She thinks she’ll need to study on weekends because it’s about computer programming and it’s almost like learning a language from scratch. She already speaks six languages fluently so I’m sure she’ll be fine! Her brother lives near me and she’ll be staying over with him when she goes to the course, but it’s during the week and she’ll be up at 7 am to get the tram straight into work the following morning anyway. I guess if I’m driving I could pick them up from the course but he lives quite close to town and there are loads of buses so it’s not really a big deal one way or the other.
She talked about how lonely she is during the week. We both coach individual children on Skype and she says she’s been giving them more time than she’s paid for just so she has someone to talk to! She coaches four nights a week, from Monday to Thursday. I guess if I was driving I could come over and see her during the week if she really wanted me to, but it’s not ideal as both of us have work in the morning. We used to video call on Skype/Facebook all of the time but we stopped doing that after New Year’s and the last time I asked (the day we broke up) she said she was tired and preferred to text.
We only went out during the week once, just before she went home in December, and that was lovely, but with her coaching schedule I don’t think she’d be free to go out as it would involve going into town for her, unless I came all the way out to see her. Possible if I’m driving, but there’s no quick fix before then. During the summer I’ll be off for two months, but in the meantime I don’t think I can help with this unless we go back to talking on Skype/messaging all of the time.
I also said that there’s a child moving here from England who’s very keen and I asked if she’d be interested in coaching her too, that I thought of her as soon as I heard about it. She said she has a lot of students already but would be happy to take on another one because “what else would she be doing?” I think she’s feeling very lonely and needs friends more than anything else, but perhaps she wants to keep me at arms’ length because she still doesn’t feel ready for a relationship. I just don’t know what to do. I think she’s very conflicted too!
Her voice had gone by the end of the day so I took all of the kids and did the final hour with them while she watched. It was a lot of fun (I was in my element, it was like the hobby we play and the teaching I do for a living all coming together) and I was delighted she was there to watch, and also that I was helping her out because her voice was gone.
She made no reference to what I said to her the last time we saw each other, except to say that she loved the present I gave her. She admitted she had been bragging about it to the kids! She didn’t mention me, but told them that her friend got her a book signed by the author, who’s her favourite author! They were very impressed and I just made a joke about having friends in high places. I was chuffed that she liked it so much. She said she’d love to meet him, and said that one of the other Irish teams asked her to play in the league in England that I play in at the final weekend in May (the author plays on the same team as me). She’ll be away for it, but said she would consider it next season (it begins again in November). I once again told her that we were always looking for female players and my team pays expenses too so she’d be more than welcome to play for us (I had said it to her before when we were together, but it didn’t suit her).
We also saw a street singer whose CD I got for her, and she pointed him out to me and mentioned that I had bought her the CD and thanked me again. I said if we’d known we’d run into him, we could have gotten him to autograph the CD and she blushed. It was a nice moment and a good memory. The night I bought her that was after a date we had where she had been in foul form all day and I reacted badly and, in her words, was a bit harsh to her. It was nice to see she remembered the positive thing about it, that I bought the CD without her realising and surprised her with it on the way home.
There’s a junior tournament that we’re going to be coaching together at, but it’s not until the end of July. It will involve us staying overnight in a hotel in another county/state for a few days. I mentioned this to her and told her the dates to see if she was free, and she said yes she’s definitely going to do it, but also visibly reacted when she found out we’d be staying over together (in separate rooms, but still!) I was cool about it and just passed it off as a necessity, but I’ve a feeling we were both thinking the same thing, that perhaps we’d be tempted to spend the nights together. I don’t know for sure, but she definitely sort of smiled/grinned a bit.
She’s looking forward to going home soon, but it’s not until the end of April. She said she was going home for Easter, but Easter in her country is two weeks later than it is here, that’s how I mixed it up. She can’t wait to see her parents, she says she’s going to visit her grandmother’s grave and hopefully get highlights in her hair. I’m hoping she feels great afterwards and I’ll see her the day after she gets back for more coaching, but that’s six weeks away.
I offered to send her materials for the next session, especially because she’ll be away before it, but she says she’ll prepare something herself. She appreciates everything I’ve sent to her, but she also says she’d rather I didn’t send her so much as she feels like she owes me. I’ve told her many times to think nothing of it, but she feels that way about a lot of things, meals and coffees too, so I absolutely respect that.
I walked her to her tram stop and went grocery shopping with her along the way. She wouldn’t let me carry the bag for her, but it wasn’t so heavy anyway. She said she always seems to get the same cashier when she goes to that shop, and he’s seen her with her ex-husband, her brother and me! We laughed and I just said he must think she has all these men to do her shopping for her! When her tram came we shared a tight hug and I told her she could message me anytime.
We’re both playing in a team tournament next weekend (starting on Friday) and there’s actually a very good chance that we’ll play against each other at some point. I’d rather not, but we’ve discussed this before and it shouldn’t be a big deal, we just play and forget about everything, and go back to normal after the game.
Here’s the really good news: she wants to meet up the weekend after next! She suggested we go for a walk along the beach (on the other side of the city, not the one we went to before where she was with her brother last weekend). This was something she mentioned to me when we were together, but the weather was never good for it and we didn’t get around to doing it. It will be a walk and a hike up a hill overlooking the sea. I’m really looking forward to it, I think it could be very romantic, just like the other beach walk was the first time, and I’m sure we’ll get to talk a lot.
However, I get the impression from her that she’s simply not ready to start a relationship, but she’s also very lonely. She was used to living with her husband and seeing him when they both got home from work. However, she wasn’t happy for months with him as he went out to play poker on weekends and left her alone anyway. I think she’s conflicted and still has negative thoughts about getting involved with me so soon after her marriage, like she told me back in January.
She said then that she felt “weak” for getting involved with me in that way. I couldn’t be there all of the time and couldn’t replace her husband in this way. She had just met me and it wasn’t like we’d be able to move in together straight away! I told her before that I wasn’t a replacement for her husband, that I’m a different person and many things would be different with our relationship. Some at first wouldn’t be as good (such as how much time we’d spend together, how much we’d see each other’s families), but that other things would be better and over time everything would be great. I really believed that and I think she wanted to believe it too.
I want to be there for her and I care about her more than anyone I’ve ever met. I’m just unsure whether I should push her to talk about things with me or just support her totally as a friend. Maybe I should just see how the next two weekends go? Is there anything else I can do? When we see each other in two weeks time for the walk, it will have been six weeks since I apologised to her. I wonder should I bring up the apology and ask her if she’s still processing everything I said? Or will I just see how the day goes and see if we share any romantic moments and be ready to respond to any signals she might give me?
I am so sorry for the incredible length of this post, I just wanted to be thorough! As always I really appreciate any insight you might have. I think there are a lot of positive things to take from today, but I’m also totally confused about how she’s feeling and what I can do about it! Other than being patient Thank you so much again
I know this is an anonymous forum, but I still felt uncomfortable sharing this as she’s only ever told her husband and me about it…but she has an eating disorder. She has it under control normally, but with everything that was going on, she relapsed last week.
I’ve often said it to her, but she gets very offended and feels like it means I don’t appreciate anything she does. I usually end up apologising (she’s my mother after all!) and just try to pre-empt what she might try to do in future so that I make sure I do it first!