Can I get back with her if I was the rebound guy?

reconciliation
21

I think you should apologize first ‘to clear the air’ and then ask if she would like to go out for lunch. If she doesn’t accept, don’t be upset as the conversation will leave her much to think about. If she accepts, you could enjoy the time out together or (if she wants) have more conversation about the situation…

How far apart are you in miles? Will you be able to drive to see her sometimes?

How far is the school from you? When she goes to school, will she be driving from her apartment? Could you meet her for lunch or dinner near the school?

Maybe sometimes have her over for dinner at your parents house? Etc…

22

Thank you, that sounds great. I’m just conscious that we may not have that much time in the morning to talk, and that by lunch time she’ll probably be hungry and eager to go for food! I will try to say it to her before lunch either way. Or maybe if we don’t have time to talk in the morning, I could say I was hoping to have a chat with her at some point, and we could arrange to do it over lunch or when we’re both free?

She lives an hour and a half away on bus/tram (23 km). I don’t drive (it’s very expensive and I live near where I work and the city centre/airport, I’ve never needed a car), but it would be about a 30 minute drive. She has been looking to start driving lessons too but I don’t think she’s interested in owning a car herself (she literally works two minutes away from where she lives!)

The distance wasn’t an issue, I was always happy to get the bus and tram to see her. Sometimes I was over at hers late, but had told my parents I was out with my friends and would be home, so I ended up getting a taxi home a couple of times. Naturally she wasn’t impressed with this and thought it was a waste of money (she was right of course!), but I’d hope that if we do get back together this won’t be an issue and I can stay over with her if she wants me to.

Her college would be in the city centre, just a half an hour’s bus ride from me. I’d say she would be getting the tram to college. I’m a school teacher, so I get off work at 2:20 pm every day and could definitely meet her for lunch or dinner near the college. Having her over for dinner at home would be no problem at all if she was ready for it. I’d love for her to meet the rest of my family.

Thank you so much again for all of your advice. I feel good about tomorrow, I know exactly what I want to say to her and feel like things will work out for the best if I can show her how sorry I am and how much she means to me.

There is just one thing I would like to clarify: should I just apologise for the way I acted when we broke up, or should I also talk about all of the things I did wrong when we were together? I thought it might be best to apologise for the break up and the subsequent message I sent her, and then tell her I also realised that I did a lot of things wrong while we were together and that I’m sorry for losing her trust.

Then if she wants me to be more specific or talk about it further, I can go into the details then. Or should I just tell her everything right from the beginning? I’ve a feeling it might be a bit overwhelming to spring all of this on her at once. Maybe apologising for my behaviour during the break-up, and mentioning that I know I did a lot of things wrong when we were together, and leaving it up to her to if she wants to talk about what these were, might be the best option. What do you think? Thank you so much again!

23

Yes, apologize for how you acted during the breakup and for the things done wrong during the relationship. You need to go into some detail, but not minute detail. This shouldn’t take too long, but if you feel like you don’t have a few minutes to spare before going your separate ways, then say you would like to have a chat and could arrange it when you both have some free time.

Ask if she would like to go for lunch and then pick up on what she says as to whether you should explain things further. I hope she accepts the lunch invitation, but if not, you will have given her information she can think about… If she declines lunch, ask if she would be willing to meet up when it’s convenient.

Did you talk with your parents about her yet?

24

Thank you, it’s a lot to say, but I will try to keep it fairly brief. Main thing is to be there early and ready to talk to her, and if she’s busy or if we don’t have time, I’ll just ask to speak to her during lunch or after we’re finished. I’m conscious of distracting her when we both have a job to do, but hopefully she won’t mind! She messaged me again today and I sent her some material for her to use tomorrow, and she said she was ever so grateful for it. Feeling good about talking to her tomorrow, but I’m also prepared to wait for the right moment!

I haven’t spoken to my parents yet…I wanted to catch them both together but it hasn’t been possible for the past few days. They know we’ve been messaging and that I plan to ask her to lunch tomorrow. I will speak to them. I would feel better having spoken to them before tomorrow, but they do know we were in love, and I can say with a clear conscience that they were much more understanding when I told them that.

Thank you again for all of your help. I really don’t know what I would have done without it! Hope I can try to make things right tomorrow!

25

I just spoke to my father and it went fine, he understood. I will speak to my mother in the morning. It feels so much better to have them on board and I will be able to tell her tomorrow if it comes up that they were cool about everything and would support us.

26

Everything went well today! She arrived fairly late in the morning time so we didn’t have time to talk properly before the coaching started. I told her I was hoping to chat with her but I also didn’t want to distract her, maybe we could get lunch later and she said sure.

The morning session went well but when lunch came around I couldn’t find her. I thought she might have been having second thoughts and that I had put her on the spot, but actually she was sitting in the restaurant behind a wall so I never saw her! She messaged me then and I joined her. We had a nice chat and went out for a coffee. We were in a rush though so I didn’t get to have the chat with her then, but we caught up with each other and it was lovely.

Then at the end of the day I walked her back to her tram stop. It was snowing (which is pretty unseasonable!) and she made several references to how alone she has been recently. She told me that her husband has moved to the States and has met a new girl that he sent her pictures of. This upset her, but she understood that he just wanted to show her that he’s happy. She mentioned that he had left her and that prompted me to say again that I wanted to chat to her but hadn’t expected to be walking around in the snow and maybe we could step inside somewhere. Instead she said we could walk and talk. I warned her that it might take a minute for me to explain everything and asked her just to please bear with me. She listened quietly.

I told her I wanted to apologise properly for the way that I acted and the things that I said on the week of her birthday. I said things that were untrue and hurtful, and I didn’t really mean them or believe them myself. I couldn’t believe I let her think for even a second that it was her fault. When I took my own ego out of it I realised that I had no reason to feel hurt. That’s when I sent her that message. All I meant by saying I was “over it and I’d moved on” was that I realised I had no right to feel hurt and I couldn’t let her go on feeling guilty any longer.

I immediately regretted sending the message. I thought about writing to her several times since, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised that not only did I behave terribly then, I also got so many things wrong while we were together.

I lied to my parents about the extent of our relationship and about staying over with her. At the time I thought it was my problem and my way of dealing with it and she didn’t need to worry about it. But now I understand why she hadn’t felt good about it and I should have listened to her. I realised how foolish I was because I recently told my parents that we were in love and that I had stayed over with her and they were understanding and supportive (I did tell my mother today and she was hurt that I had lied about it, but she understood why I felt I couldn’t confide in her and my father).

This issue with my parents also caused me to break my word to her on Christmas and lose her trust. She said right from the beginning that she just wanted to spend time with me on Christmas. I told her I could, but because I hadn’t been honest with my parents, they couldn’t understand why I wanted to see her so much, said that it was too intense a friendship, and said I needed to be at home with my family on Christmas. I left it far too late to say this to them (afternoon of Christmas Eve), and that meant I only told her late afternoon on Christmas Eve when it was already too late, and she would be spending Christmas alone in her brother’s with no way of getting home.

I felt terrible about this and tried to make it up to her the following day by surprising her at home, but when I did, we ended up sleeping together and she felt I had just come over for that, when that wasn’t the case. I couldn’t understand why she believed that was the reason then, but now I realise because I had broken my word to her on Christmas, I had lost her trust, and things weren’t the same after that.

I apologised for losing her trust and causing her hurt. She told me that she couldn’t believe the message I sent her about moving on and she even deleted her WhatsApp afterwards! She said I didn’t get it, that she just wanted a friend. She couldn’t believe I had left her alone. She said she felt she hadn’t said anything too bad, and I agreed, but said that because she hadn’t replied to my messages earlier in the week, I took it the wrong way. I realised now that she just wasn’t sure how to say it to me without hurting me or wasn’t sure in general. It was also because things were too intense and I had been so used to talking to her all of the time. She agreed that we had rushed things and it was too intense.

I said that I had always told her I would be her friend no matter what, that she never had to worry about hurting me, but when it finally came to it, I let her down. She sort of nodded agreement.

She said she needed time to process it all but she would talk to me about it. She asked (laughing) how long it took me to finally say all of this and I admitted it had been at least a month. She laughed and said (jokingly!) she would take a month too and I said not to worry, she could take as long as she needed. I realised I had been an idiot and I was sorry for hurting her. I told her that it took me time to realise that I had been right about her the whole time, that she’s still the person I fell in love with and she hasn’t changed.

She definitely appreciated me telling her all of this. We even laughed a bit, and I told her about how I was going to send her a letter but talked myself out of it. She laughed and said she prefers that I told her in person, because now she can just process it, whereas if I had sent her a letter she would have kept re-reading it and taking different meanings from it every time.

I gave her the birthday present I had for her (the book that was signed, it was still in bubble-wrap because I had been planning to post it to her) and apologised for the lateness. I also showed her the concert tickets that I had planned to send her too. She laughed and said it was too late now, and I said I was sorry I hadn’t sent them but didn’t want her to feel like she had to go with me or feel under obligation to me. She thanked me for the book, I think she appreciated it.

We hugged goodbye, and she thanked me for talking to her about this and that it was good to talk. I told her we could talk any time. And that was it!

I cried the entire way home on the bus. I’m still not exactly sure why I was so emotional, probably a mix of reasons. It felt great to finally tell her how I had been feeling and to try to make things right with her. But also I feel so guilty and angry with myself for hurting her the way I did. I had no idea of the effect that I had on her. I’ve spent a month thinking of nothing but her and her well-being, and wondering how she is and how I could make things right with her, when I could have just stayed friends with her and continued to care for her in a way that might actually have helped her.

I care about her more than anyone I’ve ever met. I feel like if I can make her happy, as a friend or a lover, I will be happy. I am happy in general and life is good. I told her when we were together and I was getting the impression that she wasn’t happy, that she needed to tell me if her feelings changed about me, that it wasn’t good for me to keep loving someone if they weren’t in love with me. Now I feel like I can’t help it anyway, I love her and that’s it.

Today was so nice, it was like we were just two close friends catching up, even before I apologised to her. She’s a wonderful person. I only hope I can learn from everything that happened and do right by her. She’s had such an unfortunate life and she deserves so much better. She’s shown me the kind of person I want to be.

I know I keep saying this, but thank you so much for all of your advice, your patience and all of your help. I don’t know if I ever would have made sense of any of this it hadn’t been for you! I feel like I’ve taken the right first step in making this up to her, and I have you to thank for it.

27

You’re welcome. I’m so glad everything went well! Keep us posted on any updates if you like…

28

Thank you, I certainly will if you don’t mind! I’m just going to wait and see what she says.

Actually, I’ve been thinking a lot and also talking with my mother about it too. One thing still bothers me, and she also can’t get her head around it. I’ve been trying to be objective and selfless when thinking about everything that happened, but even allowing for that, I still can’t explain this. I’d be interested to see what you think.

The reason I was so hurt was not because of what she said about just wanting to be friends (which is what she thought), but because she had been ignoring my messages and acting like she didn’t want to talk to me or spend any time with me. She first said that she just wanted to spend her birthday with her colleagues from work. This was the Sunday before her birthday, which was on a Wednesday, and we were due to see each other at the coaching the following Sunday (a week later). I was hurt by this because I had been her closest friend for months, we had talked before about spending time together on her birthday, and I had a present for her that she knew about. She didn’t offer any explanation or mention possibly seeing me at all.

Still, I took this with good grace and gave her the benefit of the doubt. Her birthday was mid-week, we both had work, and she probably figured it would be too much to ask me to come all the way over to her, and maybe she didn’t fancy going into the city centre. Maybe it would be difficult to get her work colleagues to go out at the weekend too. So I just said I couldn’t wait to see her, give her her present and treat her to a birthday meal/drink, but it didn’t have to be on her birthday itself. She never replied.

I expected to hear from her the following day, and when I didn’t, I messaged her around 10 pm just asking how her day went. She said she had an exceptionally long day in work, which was fair enough, asked me how my day went and said goodnight. So I replied, told her how my day went, and asked her if she wanted to meet up before the coaching on the Sunday. Again, she never replied.

I expected to hear back from her the following day (Tuesday), but she just never contacted me. Instead, she posted some song on Facebook (Hostage by Sia), which could have been a reference to our situation, but it wasn’t clear. This sort of thing really annoys me, people posting songs that are most likely directed at someone, instead of speaking to them. Still, I couldn’t be sure about this, but combined with the fact that she had ignored my messages, I couldn’t help but worry that something was up.

The following day was her birthday so I sent her a Happy Birthday message. She replied after a few hours with a nice message, thanking me very much, wishing me to have a good day, and saying she was looking forward to that night. But still did not mention the fact that I had asked her to meet up.

I messaged her the morning afterwards asking how her night went. She said she had a really nice night, got drunk and threw up, but otherwise it was very good. She again said have a great Thursday. I felt like all of these “Have a great day” messages were her attempt at killing the conversation. In fairness, we usually messaged each other every morning saying have a great day, but she hadn’t done that at all that week, and again, seeing as she hadn’t replied to my messages before, I felt she was just fobbing me off. I didn’t feel comfortable asking her to meet up again (effectively for a third time as I had said I wanted to see her, and also asked her directly) as I didn’t want to hassle her, and I thought she would just say no or ignore me again.

So that’s when I messaged her later that day asking if we could have a catch up and a chat later on. She said she didn’t want to video call as usual because she was tired, but was happy to chat. I told her I felt we hadn’t had a proper chat in weeks and that if something was bothering her she could tell me, I was her friend, I would always listen and maybe even be able to help. That’s when she sent me the message saying she was fine but felt she had gotten into some sort of a relationship with me in a bad way, that we had said “I love you” too soon, it was too big a commitment, that it was her fault and that she hoped we could be friends and colleagues.

That in itself wasn’t such a bad message and she was being honest with me, but this, coupled with the fact that she had ignored my messages about meeting up with her and hadn’t offered any explanation as to why she didn’t want to see me on her birthday, left me feeling very hurt. It was as if she had used me to get over her marriage and get to a place where she felt “fine”. That’s why I lashed out and over-reacted to the message itself. It wasn’t so much that she had ended the relationship, as we had established on New Year`s that we were friends with benefits and needed to pull back a bit, it was that she had ignored my messages about seeing her, and I got the impression she didn’t want to spend any time with me at all outside of our work together.

I don’t know if I misconstrued this whole situation, but if a close friend of mine asked me to meet up with them under similar circumstances, I would certainly message them back and give them an answer. I’ve tried to give her the benefit of the doubt about this and taken as much blame for it as I possibly can, but I still can’t figure out what was going on.

Perhaps she had lost trust in me and didn’t know quite what to say (that’s what I suggested to her yesterday, but I only mentioned it briefly, as I was apologising and didn’t want to take the good out of it by blaming her for something). Maybe the relationship was so intense, and I was so used to getting messages from her every day, that I was just being irrational when I didn’t hear back from her, and it was reasonable for her not to reply?

Maybe she regretted sleeping with me so soon after her marriage ended, and figured that if we went out for her birthday we’d end up in bed again, or that I’d expect to sleep with her having given her a present/treated her to a meal, sort of like what happened the day after Christmas Day. But if she really believed that was true about me, I don’t know why she’d want to stay friends at all.

Yesterday she said that I didn’t get that she just needed a friend, and I agreed with her. But if she wanted to keep me as a friend, she really should have replied to my messages, especially the direct question I asked her, or at least shown some consideration towards me when she knew I was expecting/hoping to see her.

I’m generally a very balanced person, I’ve no mental health or self-esteem issues, and I really try to look out for the people I care about. But I felt I was going crazy over this, second guessing what was going through her head. I knew she was in a vulnerable emotional state, and that she had been through a lot, but none of that bothered me when she was honest with me about it. I was always happy to listen and try to make her feel better. I’d just like to know the reason for the breakdown in communication that week, why she chose to ignore me and spend her birthday with her colleagues instead. I appreciated that she was trying to build up friendships with other people, so I didnt mind that so much, but considering how close we were and everything we had been through, I felt she at least should have acknowledged that I had been hoping to see her. I know I was due to see her on the Sunday for the coaching, but that was a professional occasion and I felt that didnt count.

Like I said I suggested to her that it was my fault, that perhaps she just didn’t trust me anymore, but now I’m starting to wonder if maybe she just didn’t mean anything by it. Still, anyone I have spoken to about this agrees that it wasnt normal to repeatedly ignore messages like that and show no consideration for someone you consider to be either a lover or a friend. They do say the opposite of love is indifference, and perhaps she just didnt care. But if that was the case, she should have understood why I was hurt.

Im going to try and put the whole thing out of my head until I hear from her, but I really did not like the way I felt at the time. I hope she does address this when she replies to me, even if its just to say she actually didn`t mean to ignore me deliberately. I know this has been another long post, but I would really appreciate your opinion on this if it makes any sense at all! Thank you so much again!

29

You’re over analyzing! She understandably had mixed emotions and leaving her husband was traumatic I’m sure. She told you on New Year’s that she wanted to dial things back, so of course that would include less communication. Yes, it would have been the courteous thing to answer your messages, but I think she has been trying to organize her thoughts and feelings.

I think you should try to let go of of the past and not ask questions about any of it as it will put her on the defensive about having to explain every detail of her actions. It might even make her feel guilty and lead to resentments. I always say honesty is the best policy, but sometimes it’s best to forgive and forget…

Be glad about the good conversation on Sunday and stop dwelling on the past.

30

Thank you! Looking back it certainly seems like I am over-analysing! I think I was just so used to messaging her constantly, and also receiving apologies from her if she didn’t message back, that I automatically took it to be a bad sign if she didn’t reply and read too much into it. It’s certainly something I wouldn’t want to happen again and shows that the relationship was too intense and she was right to pull back. The day before her birthday was the first day we hadn’t contacted each other since we met.

The breakdown in communication, the fact that she preferred to spend time with her co-workers instead of me, coupled with the message she finally did send me, caused me to think that she just wasn’t interested in spending time with me romantically or socially, which wasn’t the case. Looking back now I can see how much I over-reacted and didn’t see things clearly. I was very confused about it as it didn’t really make any sense (I was her closest friend after all), but I honestly had the impression she was just finished with me.

I also feel very foolish and guilty that I abandoned her when she needed a friend, and put myself through a torturous few weeks thinking about her and what went wrong, when I could have been spending time with her and continuing to care for her the way she needed me to. I don’t know what would have happened if I’d just taken everything with good grace. It doesn’t matter because I simply wasn’t able to see things clearly then, all I can do is learn from it. I do forgive her and I should have had more faith in her. I have made this clear to her. The other day I told her it took me time to realise that I had been right about her and she was still the same person I fell in love with. I hope she takes this the way it’s intended.

I have apologised sincerely and tried my best to make things right (thanks to your advice and help!). I’ve also addressed and apologised for the things I feel I did wrong in the relationship too. If it turns out she’s been thinking the same things, then I guess that’s a start. I don’t know if any good can come of the fact that I didn’t contact her for weeks, I feel terrible about it. I know she was hurt by the way I acted, but I hope I haven’t completely ruined any chance of reconciling with her. It’s such a confusing situation, I thought she had simply dumped me, but I’m not sure what you would call what I did!

I am looking forward to hearing from her and I’m hoping we can take things from there. She is very busy, she’s taken on some new students to coach (so have I) and she’s already started studying for her course (which begins in June). I will do whatever it takes to make things right with her. Thank you for your objective and impartial view, I really appreciate it. No more dwelling on the past for me!

31

Okay and good luck:) Slow and easy is the key…

32

Thank you very much again :slight_smile: I will let you know when I hear something!

33

Hello again! I just heard back from her tonight :slight_smile: this is what she said:“hi Arnold. how are you? listen i was thinking of writng u for a while! maybe we can meet up sometimes and give it another go at being friends?? :slight_smile: i d really like to be your friend if you d still have me around. best of luck this weekend.” I am delighted and i think i will just reply and thank her and say I’d like that very much. Maybe arrange to see her next weekend if she’d like to. I feel like the response could be crucial but i also don’t want to leave her hanging and I will reply tonight. I am so glad she seems to have forgiven me and I will try to take it from here, as long as it takes. Thank you for all your help!

34

I am sorry for seeking advice again as you have already helped me so much. I just feel like the next step is crucial and I am a bit confused as to how I should act. I would really appreciate your opinion.

I asked her if she would like to meet up this Saturday evening for coffee and she said she would. It turns out that her grandmother died last Friday, and this may have been part of the reason she reached out to me when she did. She was feeling alone and vulnerable and needed a friend. She was unable to go home to attend the funeral as she had to represent her office in court, so she was naturally very upset and disappointed about this as well.

She said nothing about our previous conversation and just said that I’m a very nice person and she really needs a friend.

I am happy to be there for her and hope to help her feel better. I have already sent her condolences and several messages to try and cheer her up and she has appreciated them. I haven’t heard back from her since Tuesday but I expect she’ll message me either tonight or in the morning.

I think she feels she wants to just be friends for now. I am hoping that we just have a lovely evening, that she feels she can trust me again, and that I can give her the emotional support that she needs.

However, knowing what happened between us before, I’m also concerned that things may move very quickly, especially if we end up going for drinks afterwards. In the past I have always either gotten the tram with her and then walked her to her door (as the walk is unlit and quite lonely unaccompanied), or she has called me when she gets off the tram in order to feel more secure. It sort of depends on how late it is but in any case I would prefer to walk her to the door, even though it adds potentially two hours to my journey, I just want to make sure she is safe. I’m planning to offer both options to her and see what she says.

My concern is that I know she is emotionally vulnerable and as much as I want to reconcile with her, I don’t want to take advantage of her emotional state. If we happen to have a great time together and rekindle our spark, I don’t want to rush into anything with her again, but I also don’t want to miss my chance.

The first time we agreed to be “just friends”, we had a long conversation about it, she said she wasn’t sure how she felt about me but wanted me to be rational and just be her friend. A couple of days later however, we went on a lovely romantic hike near the beach and she told me much later that she had really wanted me to kiss her then. Two days after that hike we ended up sleeping together and that’s when everything started.

I’m sure she doesn’t want to fall into the same pattern again and rush things with me. I’m also well aware that she may not want to get back with me at all and truly just sees me as a friend. I’m happy in any case and just want what’s best for her. However, I don’t want to ruin any romantic moments we may share by not taking the chance to, for example, kiss her if there is still strong chemistry between us.

I know I’m probably over-analysing again, and a lot depends on how tomorrow evening goes, but I’m just looking for your opinion in general: should I err on the side of caution and risk missing my chance to get back with her? I feel that I should and that no matter how much it might seem that she wants to rekindle our spark, she most likely isn’t emotionally ready and she’ll realise that before long.

If an opportunity arises where it seems like we’re getting very close to each other, perhaps I should just ask her how she feels? Again I don’t want to ruin the moment or pressure her. Should I just treat it as a friendly meet-up no matter what?

Thank you again for all of your advice. I understand that I’m probably thinking too much about this, but I also feel like it’s a tricky situation and I want to be prepared as much as I can for how things might play out. Knowing our history together, these were more or less similar circumstances to how we first got together, and it’s possible that things may go in the same direction again.

If she simply wants someone to talk to and spend time with, I’m happy to be that person. I would hope that she’d appreciate me not rushing into anything and that even if it seems like she wants something to happen straight away, she wouldn’t hold it against me if I was “rational” and held back. At the same time, I am concerned about her potentially feeling rejected if things are going really well and look like they can go further. Especially considering the confusing way in which things ended with us before. She told me she felt weak for getting involved with me and just wanted to be friends, and then I took that completely the wrong way and initiated NC. I am thrilled that she seems to feel like she can trust me again and wants to spend time with me, and I’m perfectly happy if that’s all there is to this. I just feel like I have spent the NC period healing and getting to grips with everything, but that she may just be in a similar emotional state to when I first met her/when we broke up.

I hope this comes across the way it’s intended! I completely understand that she may simply just want to spend time together and lean on me for emotional support, and that’s fine, I want to be there for her. I’m just worried that if the right thing for me to do is to just be friendly and keep a certain distance between us, I might push her away. The first time around I took everything she said at face value and tried to just be friends with her, but it turned out to not be what she wanted at all.

I know I can’t guess what’s going on in her head, but I feel like it’s a delicate situation, she’s decided to trust me again, and if I misread something I could damage that. I’m also aware that what she might feel she wants in the moment may not be what’s best for her or for either of us if she’s emotional fragile.

Apologies for the length of this post and for over-analysing again! I just feel I need some reassurance on what the best approach might be in this case. Thank you so much again!

35

Just curious; were there times you took the train to see her and go for lunch or dinner? Did she ever catch the train earlier in the day to go out with you and then go back earlier during daylight hours? Where did the sleep-overs take place?

Yes, be yourself and be supportive. Greet her with a big hug and quick kiss on the lips. Listen to her and add suggestions if she asks. Why not take her to dinner? Don’t drink too much and follow her lead as to something more romantic. You could also say you still love her and care about her very much.

Go at it with no expectations up front as this is the first meeting (date) since the breakup.

Good luck:)

36

Thank you again! :slight_smile: There’s not much to do around where she lives so we didn’t usually go out around that area. There’s a shopping centre near her that we could have gone to, but it just didn’t happen. Near the beginning there were times where she would get the tram to town, I would meet her and we’d get the bus to places near me, maybe once or twice in the day time. I think on the occasions this happened she would stay with her brother (who lives a couple of miles away from me, more or less the same area). Then as we got closer, we would meet up earlier in the day but would end up spending the whole day and sometimes the whole night together, or I would leave her place at 1:30 in the morning to catch the night tram. The sleepovers were all at her place, although I did visit her at her brother’s too, once when he was there in the evening, she introduced me, and another time when he was at work in the morning.

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Sorry clicked “enter” before I had finished! I definitely plan to hug her first thing, and I would like nothing more than to kiss her on the lips too, but I’m wondering would I be coming on too strong? She has said she just needs a friend and I’d be worried about pushing it too much too early?

I’d love to take her to dinner too, and there’s a good chance we’ll go for food if she’s hungry. She doesn’t like people buying her dinner and insists on paying for herself, and she’s also trying to save money and so prefers not to go anywhere expensive! I will definitely suggest food (I’d imagine she will be hungry as she has a game in town before we meet up) and I have a couple of places in mind if she wants to, but it might end up just being coffee. I will definitely listen to her and see if there’s anywhere romantic she’d like to go or even just go for a stroll (town is lovely in general at night time).

I would love to treat it as a date, but she has contacted me under the pretense of us just being friends, and I think that’s where my confusion lies: I want her to know I can be there for her without putting pressure on her to get back together.

Do you think she would have reached out to me if she genuinely just wanted a friend, or is she seriously considering getting back together? I know it’s very difficult to tell, but I feel like if I tell her I still love her and be very direct, I might just push her away.

I told her when I was apologising to her a few weeks ago that I had realised she was still the same person I fell in love with. I know that’s not quite saying “I love you”, but she did say before that she felt we had said “I love you” to each other too soon. She also mentioned that everything was too intense last time. I would love to be up front to her about my feelings for her, but I also don’t want her to feel under pressure to get involved with me again so quickly, if she genuinely just needs a friend in her time of grief. I guess I’ll just have to play it by ear and see how we get along together?

Thank you so much again! I feel much more confident about everything and I’m really looking forward to spending time with her :slight_smile:

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Okay, I guess a quick kiss on the lips is out and saying I still love you too.

I guess it’s just a matter of words as to whether you call it a date or meetup. The important thing is that she’s willing to see you. Yeah, play it by ear and I hope it goes well!

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Thank you again :slight_smile: I’m afraid she just cancelled :frowning: She says she cancelled dinner last night with a friend and also with her ex-husband on Wednesday. She feels that being around people right now is like pretending she’s ok when she’s not. She says she needs some time. She cried on Thursday night after having “been strong for so long”. She says she feels very weak right now and will let me know when she feels better. I don’t know if she’s still playing her match or not. She apologised for complaining so much and for letting me down.

I will reply and be supportive and understanding. I am disappointed at not being able to see her, as I think I could show her a great time and help her feel a lot better, but I totally respect her decision. I will be seeing her next Sunday for coaching anyway and I will let her know that there’s no pressure on her, but that if she feels like talking or meeting up before then, she knows I’m here for her.

Thank you again for all of the advice, it’s so helpful and I feel so much better about how to act when I eventually do get to see her. I am hoping she will feel better soon but she has been through so much. I will try to help her any way I can.

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Hope she feels better soon… Good luck:)