Hello lovelies!
I’m Nicole, 40, still married and separated from my husband - we only live together. But that’s just an aside. I met my now ex-boyfriend on holiday last year. We exchanged numbers and it was like a film - love at first sight. Despite the distance between Germany and Tenerife, we kept in regular contact and had video calls. Sometime in December, he met someone else. We still kept in touch and in February of this year, he cleared the way for us as a couple. Everything was going well so far, despite the distance. At some point he told me that he has depression and anxiety disorders and that these problems have a major impact on his life. I thought I could cope with it. The second time we saw each other for a few days, his mum had died at the same time and the whole situation was hard to bear. We were supposed to be happy, but that was difficult and impossible under the circumstances. I was overwhelmed and supported him in coping with the loss of his mum. We saw each other again at the end of May, again for a few days. Between our first and second reunion, he withdrew more and more and most of our relationship work was on my shoulders. I observed this for quite a while and kept telling him that I didn’t want it that way anymore. I was with him and he also withdrew during this time, we went to the beach once and went out for dinner once. I was with him and he also withdrew during this time, we went to the beach once and went out for dinner once. I could feel how the whole situation was weighing on me again and didn’t really want to come back. I took everything that was important to me with me, except for a beach towel - which left open the option of a maybe.
Now this time almost 3 months passed until we saw each other again last Monday. I missed him and yet I still had the uneasy feeling that the situation could turn out like the last two times.
I didn’t want that. In addition, my still-husband influenced me massively and had a manipulative effect on me because he really wanted me back. He expected me to spend the time on Tenerife alone and thus built up the pressure. I didn’t want to be stressed after my return to Germany, as spending time with him and my daughter is a challenge in itself in this situation. Now I’ve been in Tenerife since Monday night and ended the relationship with my boyfriend on his birthday. I left and left him a message. I was under a lot of pressure and had already become a very good actress. I didn’t have the courage to talk to my boyfriend about all these things again, probably also because I knew that he wasn’t very self-reflective and justified his behaviour with his illness.
I left and left him alone on his birthday. At first I was relieved, then came the feelings of guilt and now I deeply regret my actions. I didn’t want to leave the situation between us like that and he was deeply hurt and angry. I feel the same as him . I really hurt us both. I asked him for a chat but he blocked it, it all went back and forth via WhatsApp and frustrated me. I decided to wait for him until he got off work in the evening. My persistence was successful and although he didn’t feel like it, he still took the time to talk.
I apologise for my behaviour, he accepted it and accused me of. Which I can certainly understand. I saw everything in his eyes, from anger, anger, disappointment, hurt, love… After 20 minutes the conversation was over. I wrote to him that I still love him and thanked him for the conversation. It was clear that he wanted no contact for now and for the future he left it open. Tomorrow I’m flying back to Germany and I don’t want to. I miss him, I still love him and want him back and never wanted to lose him in essence. All I wanted was for him to develop in a positive direction for us. I wanted to get out of the situation, not out of the relationship. Now all seems lost. Although it is miserablely difficult, I stick to the “0 contact rule” because everything else makes no sense and I have to look after myself now.I have no idea if someone of you got the same situation like me. I don’t know what to say but he should be part of my new life and I have now idea if I or we can fix this again. Thx all for reading. Maybe leave some comments.
I am sorry you are going through this. People with depression and anxiety disorders sometimes need a lot of time before they are at a stage in their life where they want to get back together.
Hopefully, 3 months would be enough time for him. But regardless, if you wish to reconnect, you can just reach out on a light note with no obligations or pressure to get back together. I think that is a good way to test the waters and see where he is at.
thx a lot. 3 months… omg… today I’m not so fine with it and I just remember me to the nice moments with him to get all this fine again. Today I’m in NC-day 9… I just had “WhatsApp “ open was in our chat to reflect his way of communication… I came on the button for “video-call“ and I really don’t want to. I instantly deleted the call. It was an oversight. I hope it will not push me further away from him. I intend to return to Tenerife in January again, for one week. What should I write him? Just feels like crying… …
@kevin.. which point of time should I take? I guess 9 days is to less… what’s to long? Or should I wait for your recommended time? For the moment it doesn’t feel fine for me…
Hello Nicole
This seems to be a very complex situation. I’m trying to think my way into this situation…
In your first sentence, you write that you are married, separated but living together…
Situation number two is the one with your ex-boyfriend…There you make a connection.
You say that you were manipulated by your husband…
If I have understood correctly, his manipulation is to blame for you leaving your boyfriend.
Did I understand that correctly?
Why did you feel manipulated and what did he do to manipulate you?
I don’t read the reason for the cut with your boyfriend from this, rather from the situation that the ex-boyfriend withdrew and you were disappointed
Dear Arthur, thx for your reply… yes it’s very complex and I felt really under pressure with all those circumstances…. before I travelled to my ex I had a chat with my still-being husband.. we talked about I would be alone in tenerife… I just felt “fuck not once again anger- just because iam with my bf “ the whole situation is so crazy and unusual… I got apart from my husband in the end of January this year… can’t move out because the rents for a flat I can’t offer with my income for the moment… So I stayed living just living together…like friends… meanwhile I had my bf….
My still hb knews about my new relationship and tried to spy out any kind of information about my bf, also his number… I recovered him with my phone in his hands as well… and I saw he has safed my bf number as well in his iPad…
so I told him in June that I will return to tenrife in august and he became angry about it… I told him I don’t ask you for permission, I just tell you I’ll return. The following weeks I became more and more unhappy with the entire situation ;-/ then I wrote my still-hb a letter in hope we’ll understand me somehow ….
Then I book the flight to my bf and shortly before we had the talk about my stay…..
after my broke up I didn’t realize why I did hurt my bf and me so much… a day later I reflect the whole shit and I was very upsad about my fail and mistake…. then it was to late…
Now I’m back in Germany with my still-hb… I didn’t replay my mistakes towards him and don’t talk about the broke.
Hello Nicole
I’m actually trying to understand you and see the situation from the perspective of your ex and your (still) HB.
Admittedly, I still don’t understand it, probably because I don’t know the whole story.
I find it very interesting because I am in a similar situation, though not the same.
Did you meet your ex while you were still in a relationship with your husband?
Do you feel that your ex was also interested in you as a person? More than just a holiday fling?
Did your HB understand after you wrote to him and let you go?
So many questions… I already feel guilty
Perhaps it would be a good start to use the contact ban to get out of this mixture of feeelings and get grounded…
I myself am also unsure about which direction to take in the future…
The point is, I really don’t know you and you asking so much- i require myself to ask who‘s he and why do I have the impression that I would know him?…. There can’t be so much random that he‘s almost similar to me and my history🧐…. In other words I don’t trust at the moment…
There is a significant difference between your situation and mine; I am not married and I have other options.
I also have a problem with this myself because I still love my ex in some way…
Well Arthur, I saw your picture and my mind was „wow he‘s handsome!“ and then I remembered a situation which I had with my husband before I got married- he spied me out on other websites and create a profile just to got me under his control….
I don’t want to have this anymore and I also know I need to get out of my situation here, even if the problems looks like the Mount Everest….
All I can say is: talk to him… Tell him about all your problems – if he really loves you (and I would only marry a woman if I really loved her), then he will stand by your side…as well as a friend you mentioned…
Solomon’s judgement… that’s what I’m thinking of
I’m sorry… this is destroying this topic like an atomic bomb - and won‘t give you your BF back - maybe helps you to sort out
I decided to stop that unhealthy relationship to him 7months ago and I see no reasons to continue and in fact I don’t love him anymore since several years . It’s not fun to get clear about all this stuff and feel caught in a golden cage without any possibility to get out.
I never felt that way with my bf. In fact I love him from the bottom of my heart even the times for us were rough. I’m focussed right now to get the poisonous circumstances cleared and do what I need to do. Then I’ll look for the one in my heart, after enough time went by.
I love her with all my heart and I did everything for her that I thought she would like.
And, yes, everything was wrong. She didn’t understand my expression of deep love for her. She said that for her it was like – yes, it’s the same as for you – a golden cage.
What went wrong? We simply didn’t talk. It was also difficult for her because there was no argument, nothing. But now I think I understand her needs better. She doesn’t see that things and people, including me, continue to develop.
I am not co-dependent, quite the opposite. However, the more I tried, the further apart we grew, and my smallest ‘mistakes’ became my undoing. I have read and done a lot. Now I am trying my luck here…
Well, unfortunately my break is short… everything is complicated…
…
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