I think the only way you can get him back is when you start to see it as him having the opportunity to get you back. Thats my opinion. Men can be assholes. I think he may be looking to someone for comfort because he lacks love without you.
Thanks. That is helpful. So if she mentions doing something with me or being there for me I remain no contact? No matter what? I worry that she will stop missing me in a relationship sort of way and just move on. On the other hand she could come begging. I dont know. 30 days seems like a long time.
Yeah well he seemed like a different kind of guy. He’s always been a serious relationship man and he’s way too old for this shit I think. He has the audacity to say I’m immature. lol. And since we’ve been apart I have shown him love. He’s trying to change careers and went for a big interview which he thought he screwed up and I met up right after the interview and was so supportive and he was like “thanks I really needed you here today”. Like fucking hell don’t know what else i could have done. I’ve showed him i’m different.
Well I have an issue with NC myself. I’m not sure how long I will do it for with my ex. I may only ignore one of his messages but one is better than none right :P. However I think you need to take it on a message to message basis. So if she sends something thats not even going to lead to much of a conversation and isn’t very important leave it, however if its personal I think go for it. You still want to be there for her but not too available (like me :P). No contact can backfire and I think more likely in the case of women too. Men are like dogs they salivate when they see they’re bowl or any hint regarding their food (sorry for the reference :P) whereas women can be quite stubborn and we’ll give you a taste of your own medicine right back.
He broke up with you. How is you not being there after an interview bad when he says he doesn’t wanna be with you? What a load of crap. Ignore it. Its a tough one because he needs to know that you would be there if you were together. I am having those problems at the moment. I have to show non neediness and support when at the same time I have to go no contact. The worries I have with being there sometimes is that it may help her move on more easily. Notice this for me. Your anger and stubborness will eventually turn back to love and affection in my experience. That sort of is what I am expecting when it comes to this no contact thing. But the love and affection needs to be so intense that it turns things around that she wants to come running back. In a discussion the other day she said how does she know that I will stop the needy shit if I havent in the past. Yet she wont wouldnt give me a shot to show her. What a tough position is that…
I think that is a good question we can look into. How to prove a change to somebody while maintaining no contact.
Yeah I know I have given all of me at the expense of my own well being because of the idea of how happy we could be so it was like “short term pain long term gain” lol hasn’t paid off though :/. Oh yeah I know as soon as I see him my feelings come flooding back but I haven’t seen him in weeks so at this point I’m angry cause of the info I’ve found out.
I know what you mean, thats what I mean when I say I think mixed contact is the best form. Ignore where possible but still show you’re there and you care and the changes you’re making for yourself and you’re future with or without her. At this point I feel like I’ve given up most of my hope. Its been 3 months and nothing but mixed signals and him messaging some girl that is way too painful for me yet I still don’t hate him for it. Thats why I’m now doing whatever I want. Being there for him and doing everything I can wasn’t enough so now I’ll do whats best for me and god if he comes running then I’m gonna fucking kill him, but I doubt it haha.
Dont respond to him or contact him at all. The affection will come back even if you dont see him. When it does then post here. If he asks to see you or send you any message at all then post it here and we will do our best.
Id like to get Jburgs opinion on the mixed contact thing and communicating my changes to her without being the safety net. Coming on 2 days of no contact and I’ve heard nothing. I feel its quite necessary to let you know that when we last spoke she did say that she didnt know if she could believe I could change because I didnt in the past. I am looking for a way to communicate this while trying to keep attraction so I’m confused about what action to take. I desperately want to message her to try and work things out. But if I do she will just say she cant make me happy and will see that I’m being needy.
She just sent me a whatsapp. “Hey “name”, how you feeling about tomorrow?” Lol. Read or not read? Respond now tomorrow or not at all?
The only way to communicate it that worked for me was to go full nc. It’s a catch 22 and you know your ex better than anyone. If your at this point with her maybe ask.
If she is maybe prepared to attend counselling sessions with you. So she can understand how you react and your seeking help. You however have to be at that place with her.
She will care about you as that’s impossible not to, but what I have noticed is women are the best protectors of emotions as well worse than men at making knee jerk reactions.
I am afraid that asking her that will put me in a position where she thinks im needy for the relationship again. My reason for going no contact is to try and make her want me again. I believe I should wait for her to open up about the situation more before suggesting something like that. Like at least give me some form of commitment to making the relationship work. With regards to the text message she just sent. Considering my objectives what would you do?
Shit guys I am really struggling here. I have read her message on whatsapp. So she knows Ive seen it. Have stayed offline now. Its been a couple of hours since she sent it. I worry that by responding I will be showing neediness and rekindling her faith in me as her safety net. On the other hand I am worried that by ignoring it she will get the ‘screw you if you want to ignore me ill find someone else’ mindset. Not sure what to do. In the past after fights (particularly when we had been drinking) she would frantically contact me the following day to try and make sure everything was okay between us. I mean like 5 messages and 6 missed calls by the time I woke up. But in this situation I really could use some advice. Sorry for acting so needy but im sure everyone here can relate to the desperation experienced in these situations.
Okay so she now sent another message saying “Do you not want to talk about it?”. I havent read that one yet. So she doesnt know ive seen it.
She said do you want to talk about ?
This is up to you mate, you can either say I haut need some space to get me right. That will show you acknowledging your issues.
Or you can talk about it with her and say at the end I need to get some of my things sorted maybe we should have a couple of weeks to really think about it.
You can’t let her call all the shots.
She sent me a message saying: “Hey, how you feeling about tomorrow?” I am getting the results about my mole. I read it and never responded. Then she sent me another message saying “Do you not want to talk about it?”
Ok you can’t really ignore this if I am honest.
Just say thanks for thinking about it.
I’ll keep you updated then no contact again.
She will obviously care.
I responded “Was out with a friend. Just thinking about things. Thanks for your thoughts.”
She responded instantly and said: “If you need some support tomorrow let me know. What time are you going?”
I think I should ignore that one.
Thanks Jburg. A fresh perspective is always a good thing.
Scary how this is a carbon copy of my situation before.
Honestly I tell you what I did, wel she forced her self to come to the hospital with me but I said yes. Wrong or right I said yes, that week we then spoke about nothing to do with us and just about things in general.
It’s really up to you she would care is a friend if not anything else.
Wow. What happened? I dont think it is a good idea to have her come with. She is trying to start idle chat with me now about what time I am going to hospital tomorrow. I feel really bad ignoring her question. But I have to show her some form of distance to get her wanting me again right? I cant keep responding to her messages can I? I feel a bit strange. Perhaps if I tell her what time it would be fine provided I didnt push for the relationship but opened lines for communication. But I worry if I open that line of communication she will start saying we should be friends again and that will make me urgently beg for another chance.
If you go on my latest post you can see my story it may help.
But it helped get us to talking again.
But now is your chance to show that you don’t need constant support tell her that your appointment is x and you can update her afterwards if she likes.
Then say talk to you tomorrow night or afternoon whatever time your on
Will definitely check it out now. My intention is to make her miss me and want me back though. My personal feeling right now is that she is missing me after a few days of no contact and wants to try and hold onto something. And if I give her too much then she will start backing off again. I have read somewhere that woman will come running back when you switch the control back into your favour. I worry that any more contact will make her start feeling she is still in control. Bleh. Confusion. Ill check out your post now.