Hi Ladies and Gents
I am 31 years old and my ex/girlfriend is 24.
My girlfriend broke up with me last week Sunday. We dated for 11 months and things started out pretty serious. We share alot of passions and have alot in common. She is a very stubborn person, as am I which makes me worried about no contact (that she will play the “if he wont contact me, i wont contact him” game). Please excuse me as I am going to go quite in depth here. She has opened up alot to me very quickly at the beginning of the relationship and is very comfortable acting ways she wouldnt in front of even her family. I used to have major anxiety attacks and have experienced a few in front of her during our relationship (I mention this as it could be what made her lose some attraction towards me). About 3 months ago my mother was diagnosed with cancer which was very unexpected. She died 3 weeks later which was a large shock to my entire family. I currently live with my father and stepmother (who is very oppressive and has stifled my personality quite alot). Having had problems with anxiety after losing my previous girlfriend and a rather large business investment has put through quite a few depressive states over the years. My girlfriend started acting funny a few weeks back and started initiating periods where she needed space. She said I was too dependant on her and not moving forward in my life. Obviously my reaction was to try and win her back. The harder I pushed the more it pushed her away. She said she needed more space and this would make me more insecure and strive for more attention. She started getting really angry with me and texting me hurtful things. This made me try harder and act a “victim” so to speak, which then pushed her to break up with me on Sunday. I have done a medium amount of begging and pleading mixed in with some no contact (max 2 days). After going 2 days with no contact in an attempt to give her space I contacted her about her job interview (which she suggested we talk about). She responded very enthusiastically that the interview had gone well. After that I started trying to get signs of hope of getting the relationship back on track and asking that we remain faithful to eachother. This was on Thursday at which time I said to her that I wouldnt hook up with anyone else (I was going out that night) and that I hoped it would make her feel better. She never responded. On Friday morning I messaged her saying that I felt really insignificant to her and she responded saying that I was backing her into a corner and that she would only be willing to see me as friends (I asked her to let me take her on a date). Then on Saturday I had a major anxiety attack and was forced to call her as I had nobody else to help me. I messaged before hand and she said it was okay to call. I called and got no answer and then my father arrived who helped calm me down. After that I decided that was it I would no longer contact her as it was the best to go full no contact. I awoke on Sunday morning to a long message from her about wanting to support me through my difficult time (I am currently having a cancerous mole tested as well). She said that we obviously do love eachother and wherever that love is right now or will go she wants me to know I have someone who cares for me. She also suggested we go for a walk with the dogs and chat about life. Being fathers day (and to avoid being over eager) I told her it would be best to save our chat for another time and that I would like to spend the day with my father. This morning I sent her a text to reward her for sending me what I assumed were indicators of reconciling. She then offered to come with me to my mole checkup on Thursday as I was there for her during her operations in the past. I didnt respond to her text until this evening in which I thanked her but told her it would be best to wait until we had a clearer understanding of where we were with eachother. Her response was (if you want a friend to come with you then im happy to come). I responded that I thought she had different intentions with her previous messages. She went on about how friendship is important and love can be there in a friendship and said that I agreed to seeing her on her terms which were as a friend. My response was that I did say that however I made it clear that we would not restrict ourselves to friends. (I’m refuse to be friendzoned) I believe she has been sending me some mixed messages as she isnt sure about what she wants. Feels like she has an urge to still keep me in her life but keeps trying to find the weak needy side of me to reject to reassure her decision in the breakup. (Please let me know if I am reading this correctly).
Another big problem is that she keeps saying that she cant make me happy and thats why its best to end the relationship. This puts me in a position where saying I’m not happy with being friends with her makes her say “I cant even make you happy now so obviously it cant work”. This puts me in a position where I have to be happy with being friendzoned to show her she can make me happy (which cuts off reconciliation chance) or be unhappy and have her use it as an excuse to not be in the relationship.
Anyway what was last said a few hours ago was that I agreed to see her provided we didnt close off the possibility of reconciliation. I then told her I had to go to bed because I have alot to do tomorrow. She wished me goodnight and to sleep tight and I responded “Same to you. Give the dogs some love from me.” (we are both massive animal lovers).
I want to do the right thing here to get her back. Firstly how badly have I damaged things for myself? (Im hoping not too much as its only been 8 days). I really do love this girl alot and am hoping to reconcile things. She told me to let her know if I want to talk to her if I am feeling anxious about Thursday. She is expecting to hear from me on Thursday regarding my mole. Do I even contact her about it? Do I go full no contact with her and ignore her texts and calls? I have a strong feeling she will urgently try and contact me on Thursday regarding whether the mole cancer has spread or not. I would really appreciate any female opinions in this case. Or men who have been through similar situations.
Thank you kindly for listening to me story and I hope some light can be shed on this situation.
Speaking for anyone looking for advice in there situations I have much experience dealing with breakups with women in the past and what they have done that has or hasn’t gained my attention. I have broken up with women before who have tried to get back together with me and am eager to help those in need as well from a male perspective.
Yours Hopefully
Me
Hi Guys. I have maintained NC for today. Didnt hear a word from her since my message last night. I am in South Africa so it is currently 23:20pm Tuesday. I am really worried that she will attempt to contact me tomorrow regarding Thursdays meeting and I will cave. Some advice would be appreciated.
Sounds very similar in a way to my relationship or ex relationship. She feels that she isn’t strong enough to carry your emotional baggage I would say. Problem I am sure you have is you opened up to her and as she accepted some of your faults. You then invested more emotional time than you secretly wanted to. She then supported you through hard times and has now turned round and said its not you its me I can’t give you what you want etc.
When in fact what she is really saying, this stuff is either pulling on her as she has issues and its reminding her of them. Or she feels like she can’t give you what you need for example constant showing of love etc.
You shouldn’t be meeting her but since you are.
I suggest this, apologise that a lot has been going on and it’s all gotten a bit much for you. Tell her that you don’t need her to be full on and make you happy with needy attention. Say that her being like she always was is what helps you.
Then you have to be prepared for this, tell her that you need some space to sort your head out. Maybe see a counsellor, you have been through shit mate, nothing to be ashamed of. Tell her that your dedicated to getting the real you back because she adds value to your life and not a need.
I wish I had your position in my own life again.
You can get through this she just needs to understand that your anxiety hurts and worries aren’t going to be her baggage as well.
Thanks mate. That is really helpful. And it makes sense. It is great to hear an outsiders opinion as emotions tend to get the better of you in these situations.
After her I agreed to see her, provided we didnt rule out reconciliation, she never mentioned seeing me again. While I agree that I need to inform her of what you said I dont know when the right time for that would be. I’m attempting no contact at the moment.
Thanks Jburg32. You have given me some optimism.
It’s tough as regardless how stubborn they are or independent. A man always needs to be a man sadly. Just focus on you mate and I promise you will get there, even if it’s not with your ex, you may get through it and realise she may have heightened things by not being emotionally available 100%.
However I agree no contact and work on dealing with your issues and being positive. She just needs to see the change buddy.
I have sort of mentioned that I am working on my issues and neediness. Considering that shall I not send her any “I dont need you” story and just continue no contact? I kinda feel like I’m using this mole incident as a crutch to getting her to feel sorry for me. Any suggestions on how to communicate the results with her on Thursday? Shall I wait for her to ask? How should I mention what the results are to her if they are negative or positive? Perhaps I could throw the I need time line in there? Thanks again.
Wait till she asks you, then when she does. Just remain positive up beat. Even if it’s bad news just say, waiting for a few more tests and you are sure they would keep you waiting if it was serious.
Again I had this, I used illness to reach out and it created bliss which soon faded away. She cares about you of course they will want to make sure you are ok.
Keep mo contact going after she has asked. Which she will if she is any sort of human being.
You need to be prepared for all this to take a long long time, I know you just want her back and think that through all the hardship she has been the one that’s kept you going.
It needs to be you now, we are all messy and our partners should accept that. However unless they are willing to accept you for your full messy self. It will never last. So make your self better for you no one else.
The no contact like I said will help you. The first few weeks are the hardest, it’s like being on a diet, then constantly wanting that sugar fix.
The cravings go away.
Alright will do. No contact as in absolutely nothing? I am fairly certain ill receive some sort of mixed message signals. I’m guessing I completely ignore everything unless she is literally and without question suggesting we give it another shot? Haha look at me, even being needy on the forums. Apologies. Thanks for the support. Good night
Hey finalshine, we are in almost identical situations however I am 23 (almost the same age as your ex) and my ex he just turned 31 this year lol. However he broke up with me obviously and for the second time too :/. You are still in the early days of your breakup though. Remember even if you get back together you don’t want to get back together too soon as you definitely need that space apart where you both improve upon yourselves otherwise if you get back together too soon things will go back to how they are. Now unlike me who has been broken up for three months now I believe I have no chance of turning this around sadly :(. He has been giving me mixed signals like crazy and even said he would like to try again got me to sleep with him and then backed off again. I myself have really backed off recently and he is always contacting me asking how I am, how I’m going at university etc. All of this behaviour is so childish for a 31 year old man I feel. I would love your opinion though since you said you have some experience and you’re around the same age.
However in regards to your situation I know you have troubles with anxiety and depression, I am also somewhat the same however I think like jburg said you need to perhaps go see a counsellor or something and not depend on your ex. You reaching out to her and depending her is not exactly showing her how things will change, however I understand its only just been a week for you guys. But just keep that in mind for the future 
Hi Coolcat. If he is still texting and contacting you then the feelings obviously are still there. Sadly these things tend to exist regardless of your age. Have you gone a period of full no contact with him? When he makes attempts at seeing or speaking to you I still think not responding or not answering his texts would be the best thing to do. I mentioned this in someone on another thread. All animals, people included, like to chase. If you dangle a piece of string in front of a cat it desperately wants to catch the string. But if you drop the string in front of the cat it loses interest. Peoples natural reaction is to try and get what they cant have. If you are not available when your ex contacts you then he will start to see you as a person of desire again. You can completely turn things around here. I was with a girl for 6 years who broke up with me and I wasnt too fussed by it. She was in fact a mess and was trying to get me back. I was having fun with my friends and enjoying life. For 2 or 3 months she went NC and sent me a message about the new pirates of the carribbean movie, which I really enjoyed and this got us talking again. At this point I felt ready to be with her again. I think there is still hope. You just need to show him that you arent available to talk to when it comes to these questions he keeps asking.
Well I know men are more immature than women 
but he would carry on about how immature I was cause we argued a lot and I was very jealous however given his behaviours after the breakup I think my jealousy was warranted haha. I have gone through no contact for a week or two here and there however reached out a while ago as he owed me money from the house we rented together. He then used that as a stepping stone to meet up and was then saying how different i seem and couldn’t get enough of me. Then he just switched again even though I didn’t bring anything up or pressure him. However I have been going out having a good time and if I post photos he messages me and asks how my weekend was but nothing directly about the outing. We had a serious chat the other week and he said he misses me every day and wishes he could be in my arms again but he just can’t. I’m over being led on. I feel like I can’t not respond to him as he generally messages me on fb so he can see when I’ve seen it. He planned to go to a movie with me last night and when we sort out the details hours later he messages me saying he’s feeling unwell and can’t go. I wasn’t going to reply but thought it might show I was mad so I just said “no problems”. Bloody men, he’s gotta be way too old for these games (no offence :P) but I’m only 23 and know who i want and what I want in life.
How are you feeling today ?
If someone could help me what to expect from my ex during no contact? I mean I feel as though when I have gone for just these 2 day periods I have recieved some mixed signals about that there is a special love between us etc. And my reciprocation brought her back to being comfortable and trying to pull the friends card. What sort of contact is appropriate to respond to? And is there a point when I know that she is feeling enough remorse to respond to her contacts or answer her calls? Coolcat perhaps from any experience you may have had you might know what situations I should respond to and how to respond. I obviously am in a position where she knows she can have me. I’m a safety net. And I want to take that away from her and try and get her wanting to work things out with me so we can speak from a position of being equal and turning this relationship around. Also Jburg32, you seem to be pretty experienced in this whole getting your ex back thing.
Well I haven’t done full no contact I have done a bit of mixed. I have seen reviews for no contact and keeping some form of contact. So I went with a mixed method myself depending on his initiation and content of the subject. But its up to you :). You need to remember its only been just over a week for you. You can’t expect it all to happen straight away otherwise things won’t be different in the end. You won’t have learnt the value of space and depending upon yourself solely. And for her its to value you and what you’re worth so that will take some time. Space will help but meeting up in time will also show her the changes you have hopefully made. I know its hard, we’ve all been there but just think those things that are worth it take time. You can’t expect her to come back or for changes to happen over night.
Like you three months later however for me I am still just a safety net to my ex. After he messed me around and I felt used I really pulled back and he’s been the only one to contact me. He has initiated it all in the last few weeks and I’m surprised he hasn’t gotten bored to be honest like most guys do. I’m so over this whole thing with him. People who care about each other are not supposed to make the other feel like I do meanwhile he feels good about himself.
They are not. Do not worry about what he thinks. I can tell you right now that if someone did that to me I would think she is angry at first but after a few hours even, my mind would start going all over the place. What is she doing what is she thinking? Is she getting over me? Dont contact or respond to him at all. Dont see him. Dont be his safety net. If he messages you or tries to call dont respond until you have feedback from these forums. People here are very knowledgeable about these things. The only situation that confuses me now is if he (or my ex to be honest) starts phoning uncontrollably. Perhaps they may be trying to reconcile or perhaps looking to see if the safety net is available. If that is the case maybe just say u cant talk now as you need to clear your head.
I am really struggling today. Watching movies and watching my phone for messages. Lol sad I know. I have a feeling that at some point she will start anxiously trying to get hold of me. I have helped her through anxiety attacks before as well and although she is seeing a psychologist at the moment (which kind of makes me worried that the psychologist will be telling her not to contact me during these times of panic). Basically I want her to know that I would be willing to help her through them if we were together but that I cannot do it otherwise. (What do you think?) I do want the opportunity for that to happen to arise, but I am not sure how to handle it if it does. I think Jburg could probably shed some light on that.
Will keep an eye on my email incase you need any advice. Best of luck.
Sometimes it takes a little someones mind to start wondering. Specially if they feel they have control over the relationship and can call the shots. Once that control starts to fade, so the worrying and questioning begins. That is why in your situation stepping back will strengthen you over time. These feelings never go away for a man. Right now I still feel like contacting my ex that broke up with me 8 years ago for support. The feelings will be shown.
I know but I also worry cause he messages me on Facebook its such an obvious form of communication especially cause you can see if the other person has seen it these days. Do you actually think he’ll start to panic though his behaviour is all over the place but recently even though he contacts me he’s really dropped off but I guess that was a “hot” period and this is now the “cold” period if that situation actually applies to me that is. When he planned and cancelled the movie date though that was through text. Have you ever dumped a woman who wanted to still be with you and she started ignoring your contacts ? Is that legitimately how it is ? Cause he did admit to me he still misses me (whether its the truth or not who knows) will it actually kick in ? I also don’t want him just to want me cause I started ignoring him.
Now I have seen a psychologist myself last year after our first breakup to help me through many situations in my life including my most recent breakup which affected me a lot. Now they don’t tell you what to do, only make recommendations on how you can improve your life. My psychologist recommended effective communication techniques to use with my ex and techniques to calm myself down when in the midst of a panicky situation. They only make suggestions regarding what is best for you but in no way tell you unless perhaps you are seriously mentally ill perhaps. Working together on your issues is important but think about how good it is she is working individually on herself at the moment. Seeing a psychologist can take some courage and it is not easy as it can be confronting but it can help you become what you want to be and see things clearer. It all takes time, so she is working on herself individually, it might be good if you also worked on yourself individually and then should you get back together you work as a team and combine those important skills you learned apart and for yourself together.
I must be honest with you. It is biologically wired into us to want what we cant have. It has nothing to do with love. He does miss you. I cheated on my girlfriend of 6 years. Im ashamed of what I did. She broke up with me and it didnt bother me at the time, at all. I knew she was into me and could have her back if I tried. I wanted to be a part of her life. I knew she was besotted with me. I could tell when I saw a friend of hers she would text me a few hours later after her friend told her. If i drove passed a place where she was she would stare out the window at my car. Because of these things I knew she was a safety net. After not texting me for a few months part of me wanted her back, part of me wanted to have fun with my mates and be single. She ignored my texts completely during this time. I only texted her once or twice though. After she texted about a movie that was coming out I responded and said perhaps we should go together. She then said no. This flipped the script on me completely. Now I wanted her back. She eventually agreed and we ended up sort of being on and off for a few months. She then moved to London where I followed and continued on our relationship for another year, on her terms. I was madly in love with her and she had me doing whatever she wanted. I am not saying it is healthy to take it this far with somebody, but I am showing you how the tables can turn.
Yeah well I’ve just decided fuck this I’m going to ignore his next few advances cause in the beginning of our relationship we had troubles with this mutual friends of ours. They were exactly the same except they were exactly the same and she was even younger than I am, so 10 years age gap between them and I know she said she would probably just sleep with him but I wanted a relationship with him. Things got messy and I was jealous even after we got together cause they would talk all the time and I think its fair. Anyways things ended completely with our friendships with her and things carried on between me and him. However I recently found out he’s been messaging her. She works at the same store as me, and same company for all of us. I then found out he’s been messaging her last year when we broke up too. This upset me a lot. I see they’re not friends on fb as the reason I found all this out is cause she told a friend of mine to tell me and she apparently wants nothing to do with him and is over the whole situation. Anyway I see that he’s liked a photo that she’s also liked that not many people have liked. Those two are the only two common factors on that photos indicating he’s sent her a friend request. I’m fucking pissed off. He has really hit below the belt with this. I have done nothing but respect his need for space after the breakup unlike last time where i was always asking to see him. I have changed my ways shown no jealously, possessiveness, or neediness since he got back in contact with me. But he still seems to be messaging her. Last I heard he had sent 4 unreplied to messages. What the fuck is wrong with him and why is he doing this. I don’t care if he goes and fucks some other slut but this is too far especially as its in my workplace and only a couple other people know but its still been talked about and its embarrassing.
You are clearly very angry. Its good to let out your anger. I am looking out for your best interests as I feel the pain you are going through. Keep the attitude and get him out of your life. You are stalking facebook like I am. You are clearly very involved in finding out what he has been up to and who he is texting. We are both in the exact same position and are both on the back foot when it comes to these relationships. Hell I found a way to read whatsapp messages without it showing that they are read. Stick to your guns. Fuck this shit you will take him back when he deserves you. Believe in yourself!!
Perhaps from a female perspective you could help me understand some things. Its clear to me that when you love someone you can get angry with them. Anger turns to love again. I feel she is angry with me, then she starts to lose that anger and starts showing me kindness. Problem is that kindness turns to her wanting to friends zone me. I need to put myself in a position where I wont be friends zoned and that love starts to come back from a romantic perspective rather than a friendship one. I am asking for the deep down feelings that differ a man who is attractive versus one you would label as a loved friend (whom you are not attracted to)?
Lol I’m a very angry person so sorry for ranting on here. I’ve kept it all in regarding my ex as I could actually take it but him messaging this girl from my work and that I was jealous of and had issues with is too far. Why on earth would he do it ? I’ve been nothing but respectful to him since the breakup, giving him his space and not asking for my money back for like 2 months out of kindness to him and this is what he does its a massive slap in the face. I’ve heard she wants no part of it and I don’t blame her given the nasty things he said to her (for which he blames me for saying lol). I just would like to have more of an understanding as to why he’s doing this. There are plenty of women out there but he’s going for the one I had the most trouble with. And lol I don’t think I’ll actually get the opportunity to take him back to be honest. But I appreicate your optimism :P.
Dude to be honest I don’t believe people can remain friends after such a serious relationship. You have to be very special people, not jealous or anything like that. I’m not sure about you but my ex says he would also like to remain friends and I’m like mate we don’t have a friendship to go back to. Our friendship was built around the relationship and you were my best friend cause of that relationship. Its impossible to just forget all that shit I think. So good luck to her. Other websites about getting your ex back have said that any ex who wants to be friends doesn’t really want to just be your friend, especially if its just after you broke up. TO remain friends ever after a breakup you need a very long time apart and when you’re truly over each other and want a friendship then it may work. So don’t get too consumed on that. If you do just cut it off and go back to no contact. Nothing is better than a stupid friendship right ?