Hi All,
My bf of 14yrs (lived together 11 as of today, actually), broke up with me about 5 weeks ago. His reasoning was that he hasn’t been happy in the relationship for the past couple of years. I did a couple things that really hurt him, and he just never got over them. I never cheated or anything, but did betray his emotions. He isn’t one to forgive and said that he would never get over things and is tired of pretending to be happy. He mentions that he feels trapped all the time too.
Since then, he hangs out a lot with a female friend, but I know it is strictly platonic. She was going through a breakup as well, and they bonded through commisery.
Backtrack a bit, we co-own a house. Over the years, our belongings have merged together, we did EVERYtHING together, even grocery shopping. The two of us aren’t social people at all, so there is still a great comfort in not doing things alone.
So after about 3 weeks, we started hanging out a bit (we live together, making NC very difficult). We went to see the super moon at an old hang out, and he held me and told me how beautiful I was. We chatted for hours that night. Over the course of the next week, he started sleeping in bed with me off and on. We cuddled. When he’d get home from work, he’d kiss me on the cheek or forehead. He even bought a locket and put my picture in it. He wears it time to time.
Being that we were bed sharing, one thing led to the next and we had sex many times over the course of about a week. After the first time, we chatted afterwards and he brought up the “IF” word, and that it would ale a long time, if things were to ever work out. I was elated. There was a two day period where something was up and he said he was starting to feel the old negative emotions again, but still, unsolicited, slept in bed and cuddled a lot. After we had sex a couple of times, he said, out of the blue one night as we were laying in bed (didn’t do anything together that day) that he hopes I’m not getting the wrong impression and that things are not going to work.
The day before yesterday, we took a trip to the beach and had a great time. We held hands while walking around and overall had fun.
Yesterday started amazingly, but turned bad quick.
He mentioned that his next day off, he and his female friend were going to hike. They hang out a few times a week, and I don’t make a big deal out of it, usually. This time though was different. I mentioned a long while back that I wanted to go to the springs and he did too. I had brought it up a couple times, but it had been a while and he forgot. I said I was really bummed out, and it did hurt a lot that we had planned something, but now he’s hiking with his friend. He was upset that I didn’t mention it before. Because I was feeling blue, I started pseudo joking about wanting something bad to happen to me, and he went off the deep end trying to push a date to sell the house and break away for good. We are back to where we began. Last night, I asked him why he didn’t want to sleep in bed anymore and his response was that he is depressed from it because it feels like we are dating and it just reminds him of how unhappy he was with me. Ouch. He was the cuddler half the time and slept much better than when he goes to his room.
So many mixed signals and I just don’t know how to take any of it.
I am working on myself. I have schedule therapy, bought new clothes, got a haircut, work out more, and will be taking up a hobby that will basically be a part time job itself. I also am going away on a road trip for a few weeks in Oct/Nov.
Any thoughts? The sex, bed sharing, cuddling and all may have been sparked by my suggestions or flirtation, but I never asked for any of it. This is becoming too much of a roller coaster 
I could REALLY use some insight into what all the mixed and polarizing signals have been. Today would’ve been our anniversary and I’m really down in a hole today. Some direction from an outside source, I think, would help provide some direction. Please and thank you in advance!
Take some time away from him, or keep contact to a minimal. It will make him miss you, and will give him time to get over all of his negative feelings of you. Sorry it was so close to your anniversary. 
Does it sound like there is a chance of reconnection? I have a hard time believing this is completely over with all the mixed signals. I’m going to try to keep my distance, as much as possible.
I really do think you have a chance. 
Especially since it seems like he still has feelings for you.
Thanks so much for your input. I’m very keen to hear what others say as well.
Today, I’ve been very distant. He bought me a piece of cookie cake that he have to me when I picked him up from work. He also came to bed and snuggled for a little while. At this point, I think it may do more harm than good to shun him. I want to try to plant as many positives in his head as possible. It could just be that he feels guilty about the anniversary or what transpired yesterday. I just don’t know what to do. I will absolutely distance myself, but does that mean I need to say no to his advances?
Hm…if I were you I’d still be friendly, but I would definitely say no to his advances. I think giving in will do more harm than good in the long run. Maybe start going out and doing more stuff without him, evaluate yourself and see what you can change (that you want to change) that would be good for making the relationship better, and go from there.
I guess I’m just afraid to say no because he never forgets a word or words I say. I could very easily see him being dissuaded and not trying anything if I mention that I don’t want any sort of affection. He remembers things a little too vividly, which is why he harbors things and never forgives. That would put me in a position to become the chaser (a no, no, I know). Ugh. I want to do everything “by the book”, but it is so hard for me to determine what is best for us.
Maybe just try to tell him in a gentle way? Maybe ask him to respect your feelings because it’s a difficult time for you. You know him better than I do.
Thank you. Living together like this is so difficult. It’s rather hellish, actually. He asked if I wanted to go out last night, just to get out of the house since he knew it would be a difficult day for me. I asked if he had any specific plans. Nope. So, I went to hang out with friends and actually had a decent time. He is going hiking with his friend today. I wish WE were going to the springs.
I can tell you that I have some similarities in my current situation. My ex gf whom I was with for what would have been 12 years last week and I also lives with has been periodically coming over and sleeping in our bed together again. And I will say this…the mixed emotions and up and down roller coaster feeling that you are having are being caused by your unrelenting willingness to want him back as you once had him. Just by the fact that you aren’t feeling completely happy with your situation tells you that the cuddling and sex are probably not a good idea (although we all know it feels amazing). At the end of the day, perhaps playing a little more hard to get with him may make him miss what you are still currently allowing him to do.
I know how that goes, trust me. I always wanted to go places with my ex and he’d never take me, but he’d go with his best friend at the drop of a hat. His best friend’s a guy, but still…
Sorry the two of you have some similar experiences
12 years is a long time for sure. It hurts so much when it is such a very large chapter of your life.
Today’s events:
Funny enough, they went to the same place I go jogging. I saw her car, so went on the longer trail across the street (I assumed they’d go short).
I have been very cold and basically ignoring him today since she had dropped him back off around 1:30, so what happens? He comes in the room, without knocking, snuggles me and asks about my night last night (went out, for once, with a few friends). He then says that one store (right beside the place they went to lunch at) we go to every year to look at Halloween stuff has their season’s stuff out. I asked if they had anything really neat, assuming they went in to take a look. He said “I don’t know, didn’t go in. Figured we’d go look at it together”
What is all of this?!?!?!
He got a little touchy/feely, definitely was ready to go, but I could tell he was conflicted and I didn’t reciprocate whatsoever. So there’s one point scored for me. He fell asleep a few moments, holding me though and stayed in bed with me for about an hour and half.
If our relationship made him so unhappy, why is HE the one being all clingy today?
And for the record, it isn’t that I am against the physical aspects of everything. I absolutely love it all. I am apprehensive on how he feels about it though since he starts getting moody after the affection. I don’t don’t want another “off” button hit.
In addition to the huge range of signals I got from him yesterday, I did have another question. My birthday is less than a week away. I don’t really have friends to celebrate with. I know he is going to give me a gift and probably will bake a cake and either take me out or order something to eat at home. How should I respond to it all?
I think it sounds like he’s still having an internal conflict. Best not to go along with it, since I’m sure his attitude changes by the day, or the hour even. As for your birthday…I’m not really sure. If it were me, I’d tell him I don’t want him to celebrate it. But that might be hard/impossible. So I think just say thanks, be appreciative and not cold, but don’t accept any advances.
Thanks! I’ll keep your advice in mind for sure.
I’m trying to find the happy medium between being cold, but not having the appearance of being moody, which would mean I am still taking everything to heart.
I guess, to better word what I said before, I’m afraid if I tell him I need space/NC, he may interpret that as me still being emotional. I am doing really well, even with all the turmoil, and he has noticed. I will initiate NC for my road trip for sure, but for now, I don’t think it is the best.
The distance thing seems to be working, although I wish I had the mindset to tell HIM (the dumper!!!) to back off.
The night before last, we had dinner and I went straight to bed. He asked me yesterday afternoon, not even 5 mins after he got home from work why I shot off to bed so quick.
I think he is starting to get that I am staying away, and it is throwing him off. There was a bit of a personal convo where he seemed very concerned that I may have been with someone else (while in the same breath, letting me know that “I can do that now” gee, thanks).
I stayed in the room, reading, last night and he came in and wanted to see if I wanted to watch something, so we laid in bed and watched a show, his hand on my side the whole time.
This morning, he comes in the room, without knocking, to grab some pants (he still puts a couple items in our room time to time, for some reason). He came over, caressed me a bit, hugged and walked away. He followed me out to the front porch this am, and before heading off to work, he kissed me on the forehead.
I haven’t offered to give him rides into work like I was doing. He always inquires when I’ll be leaving, what my schedule is going to be like etc, hoping I’ll offer, no doubt.
This far in, and I am still just as confused as day one. How does any bit of this make any sense 
And I wholeheartedly agree. His emotions are crazy chaotic lately. They can change, without triggers, within moments. It’s nuts.
Update!
I have been trying to stay very distant but pleasant. He has made it difficult. He comes into the room unannounced to snuggle, he has been asking me to go out and do stuff, he has been doing chores around the house, then says he did them for me (seeking approval). He has been kissing me on the forehead or cheek when either of us get home from work and we had sex, again. He laid in bed while I dressed down to take a break between my job, and he just went from there. He cuddled me for a long while.
At night, I asked if he wanted to watch a show, do we watched one. No touching and he was texting his BFF half the time. Sigh. I won’t ask such things again for a while.
But, it seems things are going in a direction, without NC.
I had a problem with NC and jut couldn’t put my finger on it until now. I am actually doing very well, and I think he is seeing that change.
I feel that asking him to back off would make him feel like I am more hurt than I actually am at this point. The trip I’ll me going on will be my NC (probably more like LC as I know he’ll want to talk, I’ll avoid any deeper convo than saying I’m still alive though), but it won’t be so obvious as such. He knows how much I miss seasons since living in Florida and I can just say I want to experience a real fall again.
Thoughts on my approach? Advice? Think things are going somewhere? Feedback will be very much appreciated!
I’ve now been on both sides of something similar. I’ve now had 5 girlfriends and am 29, the 3rd and 5th girlfriend being similar situations for me. During my 3rd relationship, it got to a point where she acted like she didn’t care, as if a breakup would be great for her, though she was only doing it to get a reaction. Clearly we had some conflict at the time, but neither of us ever did anything like cheat. I sound somewhat similar to your boyfriend in that I remember everything and can hold things longer than I should.
With that 3rd girlfriend, I started distancing myself, and focusing a lot on how she got at that one point. This went on back and forth much like you describe in your relationship (awkward sex and all) for about six months before I finally ended it.
In retrospect, and during my 4th relationship, I came to the realization that what I had with her was actually quite good and rare (by then she lived over 1000 miles away). Thus, I’ve changed a lot about how I am about things and am able to assess my relationships differently and make more effort (be happier and not hold as much in). My 4th relationship wasn’t awful, but she really wanted kids and I’m almost certain I don’t want any.
The 5th was the one I hoped would last forever, and I truly made an effort. She claimed to love me, proposed to me once (too early), was able to talk about her future as my wife…all the way up to even the day she left (not even two weeks ago). It didn’t make any sense, but we had a rough back and forth (on her part) for almost the entire year we were together. There was really nothing wrong, but she had the ability to go from loving me to treating me like an enemy with no notice. She was furious that other women would hit on me in front of her even though I assured her I only had eyes for her (and I did–I loved her). We had everything in common, she talked of me as if I was far more than she could have ever hoped for, and yet, she could not bring herself to commit (her explanation for proposing to me too early was that getting married ASAP would make it more difficult for her to be so flighty considering her issue). Her mother informed me that she’s had problems with commitment since she was 12.
I’m uncertain if relationship counseling is a help or not. During my 3rd relationship, it was my girlfriend that suggested it and I refused. During my 5th, I pushed for such counseling and she refused. Would seem that the one pulling away doesn’t want to risk hearing that they are the problem.
The light at the end of the tunnel is that I did eventually come around about my 3rd when it was too late. If somehow your boyfriend can realize that you guys actually have a rare love, then it could work.
I expect as your relationship has been so long, that you guys haven’t had as many experiences as you have experience. Perhaps he feels like he hasn’t been with enough people to realize what he has in front of him, or maybe he longs for the feeling of a new relationship, believing that there is some “soulmate” out there that could give him that feeling forever. That kind of thinking can certainly sour a relationship that is actually good, when it is likely that all relationships will get to a point where there are disappointments that need to be worked out–something I wish my current self could have told myself during my 3rd relationship.
It doesn’t sound like your relationship is like my 5th, though in that instance it would seem like there would be little to do.
As far as your “approach” goes, it’s hard to say. My experience is that you can’t really win when it comes to NC/LC approaches. When dealing with such issues, your partner is likely to become more sensitive to it, perhaps looking for reasons to be upset about NC/LC as well as reasons to be pushed away by keeping regular contact. When it gets to that point, I don’t believe that measuring contact given is the resolution. Unfortunately I’m not sure what the next best step is. My last relationship I even agreed to a ten day hiatus. It seemed to do some good at first, but quickly went back to how it was and worse.
Suppose I forgot you mentioned he’s giving you the go ahead to…cheat? My last girlfriend said the same thing, but of course I had no desire to do so, and am certain it doesn’t translate into actually allowing their significant other to cheat. Would obviously result in the relationship being over. One reason to say such a thing could be to illicit a certain response they want to hear, or perhaps they feel they want to end things and is trying to push the other to make the final decision. With the former, there would be more hope towards fixing things. People can certainly say asinine things like that amidst relationship conflict. It’s absolutely a sign of an unhealthy relationship, but it may be possible to work through. It’s just difficult when one of the partners typically refuses to have an open mind and have a serious conversation, perhaps a product of not enough different relationships. Sure, some people can be happy forever with their high school sweetheart, but others just can’t make it work without learning how to change themselves.
There’s also the fact that people can reinvent who they are after a certain amount of years.
The awkward thing about my posting here is that I actually found your Screen name “elsewhere” and thought you were interesting (believe I live near you). Google search brought me here and I got sucked into the drama 
Not sure if anything I’ve written will actually help, but I am a caring person and hope my personal trials and errors can get you farther than I in discovering what can make the right change.
Thank you, Medi, for a very insightful, detailed (painfully for you, I’m sure) response that is unfortunately very empathetic.
Yes, we have been together since high school, and are lacking in the relationship skills department, sad enough as I am turning 30 in a couple of days. I thought we had pulled through the worst of it, but I guess he thought otherwise.
I think he is seeking a freedom for sure, but I don’t think it he is searching for a new relationship. He said it’ll probably take years to get over us am that I am the only one he trusts when it comes to sexuality. He really doesn’t care much for people, in general, and is really nervous about STDs and what not. I just really don’t see him wanting to be with someone anytime soon. He also has no life goals, which is odd for someone wanting to break away for themselves. He is in a job he hates,doesn’t have family he’d go spend time with,has no desire to pursue any goals etc. he is quite the existentialist at the moment. I do think time apart will help him figure out his own way. I wish we could part from this house so badly
I agree with the NC/LC not working well, for us. Time apart is essential, but not talking would cause resentments or make him feel that I am too hurt by our situation.
When he said he was fine with me dating, he mentioned very specific people, which makes me think he was just trying to illicit a response. He also said he let go of all his emotions but obviously still has a ton of bottled up anger. I have mentioned counseling and he wants nothing to do with it. I told him if not for us , than for his future relationships. He then, for the first time ever, acknowledged his problem with resentment, anger and bottling things in and said he might look into it much further down the road.
Can you elaborate a bit on the 6months of, I’m sure hell, that you and your ex went through when doing the quasi-relationship awkwardness?
Were you living together? Who solicited the affection, cuddling and sex?
Also, I have only used this name on one other board a little over a month ago for about a week. Are you in FL? You have piqued my interest, lol.
Again, thank you so very much. I may write more in a bit once I have more time to reread and think things out. For now, I have to go.
Thanks