Long story! my ex and i are both female, big age gap but never an issue. Been together over 5 years and lived together. Amazing love, passion, connection, neither had a same sex relationship previously and big sacrifices at the beginning to be together. i have 2 kids (12, 8) from previous relationship who she loves and they love her dearly. their father is very obstructive and never gave notice of access leaving us unable to plan time for just us/be spontaneous. i have sorted this issue since split and can now have holidays etc whilst he takes responsibility for the kids.
we planned to go away end of Sept for a few days but she says that everything would be great then the same issues on our return. we didn’t go and she left with only her belongings which upsets me as we shared this home together. we text and met up during first few days. We were both devastated. she said i was saying all the things she wanted to hear but not sure if i could fulfill these promises. there have never been any trust issues and over the next week i proved that i had made the necessary changes.
i made the classic mistakes of denial and bargaining. Massive wake up call. i want to live life not just exist. i contacted her friend to give her a long letter which included an apology but also all the changes i have made and plans for our future. i also contacted her close family member to say goodbye. they both said they couldn’t understand why this had happened and that her head was a mess and she didn’t know what she wanted, we were great together etc.
She was angry at my persistence and blocked me but said she didn’t want to fall out or things to turn sour. at first she said that she needed time and had to find herself but then said that we were not getting back together and i had to let her go. I think this may have been due to me being needy and VERY pushy. She did say that she had suffered 3 losses and that this decision was not easy for her but she has to put herself first.
During the last 6 months life got in the way. we lost the connection and stopped doing the little things. there was no balance between time for us, family time, shift work etc. our dreams to travel, get married and have children among other things mean everything to us and it may have looked to her like we could not fulfill them together but my point is we can now. I do think she was being negative, concentrating on the things we couldn’t do rather than what we could and had already done. i do accept though that we had lost our happiness.
I planned to be with her forever. i started no contact 22 days ago. she has not made any contact with me since. I did not do social media because we told each other everything and we had total trust. i have no way of finding out about her life but she said she had no intention of moving on with anyone else just now which i believe due to her previous trust issues and insecurities.
i have joined a gym, I’m doing meditation, yoga, due to start counselling. i am committed and patient but nowhere near ready for contact yet. i don’t think she will be either. i do know that when not working she spends most of her time in her room at her mum’s just listening to music.
i intended to leave contact until the beginning of January which is still 6 weeks away meaning nearly 10 weeks NC and 14 weeks since split. Her birthday is mid January and i know this isn’t ideal but i’m scared to leave it too long. also, if she doesn’t contact me do I send another apology letter or what type of text or email do i send.
i have plenty to talk to her about which wouldn’t include going over the past relationship. Even though I know her better than anyone (her words) its just so difficult to figure out what is going on in her head and if there even is a chance that she will see what we had is worth trying a fresh start.
Any help/opinions would be appreciated thanks!
No, don’t send another apology letter! Just leave her alone and perhaps send a Happy Birthday in mid January. At the present time, she doesn’t want to reunite, so stop pushing her.
thanks Patricia! i’ve been reading a lot of your comments and was hoping that maybe you would reply!! Sounds like you have a fair idea of what you’re talking about. Haven’t managed to get the answer to this anywhere!